Suck it.
I'm totally serious, you're a douche. It's one thing to create a pseudonym, be a regular blog reader, and establish a personality through comments. That's participation and it's a creative endeavor on its own--we're down for it. True confession, Elle isn't my real name and neither Tami nor I are Heather Locklear or Kristen Davis. (I know you're all shocked.)
But if you can't even come up with a name besides anonymous and you're going to nit pick posts, I'll say it again, you can suck it.
Are we going to have the occasional typo? Sure. We have jobs, relationships, friends, television and shopping habits, and cooking skills. This blog isn't our life, it's our hobby. I claim that's why I accidentally called Rice-a-Roni "Hamburger Helper." But that's all a far damn cry from Perez Hilton--his blog is his job and apparently his only passion in life and he still manages to have 8 times the typos.
And "Anonymous," if you really want to get into it "Interesting that there are typos in this very blog" is a fragment, and what follows is a totally ridiculous use of an ellipses. Don't bring out the grammar bitch in me.
This isn't the blog war we intended to start, but a good bitch loves conflict. The long story short is that we're not going to start obsessing for the amusement of an anonymous commenter who has no point for the myriad of reasons listed above. But we are going to mock you mercilessly.
Also, seriously, suck it.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
I Think I've Isolated Tyra Banks's Pathology
(Yes, we're going to rip on Tyra on a weekly basis. Those who object will be banned from the readership.)
Tyra believes that she is America's Next Top Model. This is the problem. Every cycle, when she says "one of you will be America's Next Top Model," what she means is "I am America's top model and none of you little bitches will ever challenge my title." This is why no one on that show ever goes on to modeling success.
How else do you explain her appearing between each girl's photo shoot--shot by Tyra, of course. Memo to the Tyrant, being a model doesn't make you a photographer. Deal with it. Get me Annie Leibovitz--wearing different colored head scarves, talking about the girls' performance, doing crazy shit with the scarves and making her ridiculous accents. And of course, there were choice self-love quotes (from memory):
"The reason you had to unwrap my whole body from that huge scarf is because you're going to wear head scarves in your photo shoot." Right, because that makes sense. Clearly the same thing.
"You're going to wear head scarves, so you're going to look like me when I go to bed." Yes Tyra, you and every other chick with your hair type, which is roughly an entire ethnic group.
"I was really excited to shoot Ashley because she was my girl that I found on my talk show and now I'm shooting her during my television show." Fuck it, Ashley wins.
Tyra, look into shock therapy.
Jay Manuel is actually a totally decent art director. I don't know how he puts up with this.
And what the balls is Tyra (and Hillary Duff at that) doing on Gossip Girl next week? I feel a shark jump coming on.
Tyra believes that she is America's Next Top Model. This is the problem. Every cycle, when she says "one of you will be America's Next Top Model," what she means is "I am America's top model and none of you little bitches will ever challenge my title." This is why no one on that show ever goes on to modeling success.
How else do you explain her appearing between each girl's photo shoot--shot by Tyra, of course. Memo to the Tyrant, being a model doesn't make you a photographer. Deal with it. Get me Annie Leibovitz--wearing different colored head scarves, talking about the girls' performance, doing crazy shit with the scarves and making her ridiculous accents. And of course, there were choice self-love quotes (from memory):
"The reason you had to unwrap my whole body from that huge scarf is because you're going to wear head scarves in your photo shoot." Right, because that makes sense. Clearly the same thing.
"You're going to wear head scarves, so you're going to look like me when I go to bed." Yes Tyra, you and every other chick with your hair type, which is roughly an entire ethnic group.
"I was really excited to shoot Ashley because she was my girl that I found on my talk show and now I'm shooting her during my television show." Fuck it, Ashley wins.
Tyra, look into shock therapy.
Jay Manuel is actually a totally decent art director. I don't know how he puts up with this.
And what the balls is Tyra (and Hillary Duff at that) doing on Gossip Girl next week? I feel a shark jump coming on.
Joel McHale is My Hero
Not only is the guy ridiculously cute (I have an affection for tall men), but he gets paid to mock bad television. And that has led to an opportunity to star in good television.
Now, I went to Berkeley (Go Bears!), and Berkeley is full of idealistic students who somehow do not realize that the 60s are over - and I am not just talking about the independent pharmaceutical distribution that the town is also famous for. No, I am talking about the pathological need some students have to re-create the Free Speech Movement.
So, that brings me to my love for Joel McHale - or at least his new show Community (but make no mistake - I love Joel McHale for who he is as well). On last week's episode, the students are so eager to be political in college that they host a protest to show their outrage over a journalist who was beaten to death in Guatemala - and had a pinata made to look like him for the protest. They finish the day's event with a silent protest and candle light vigil - you know, because silence=death and candles are dramatic.
Well, Joel McHale's character is trying to get with some generic, but attractive blond, so he pretends to care and joins the protest. Meanwhile, Chevy Chase's character gets super drunk and makes a scene. This is brilliant. Ah, reminds me of college.
Now, I went to Berkeley (Go Bears!), and Berkeley is full of idealistic students who somehow do not realize that the 60s are over - and I am not just talking about the independent pharmaceutical distribution that the town is also famous for. No, I am talking about the pathological need some students have to re-create the Free Speech Movement.
So, that brings me to my love for Joel McHale - or at least his new show Community (but make no mistake - I love Joel McHale for who he is as well). On last week's episode, the students are so eager to be political in college that they host a protest to show their outrage over a journalist who was beaten to death in Guatemala - and had a pinata made to look like him for the protest. They finish the day's event with a silent protest and candle light vigil - you know, because silence=death and candles are dramatic.
Well, Joel McHale's character is trying to get with some generic, but attractive blond, so he pretends to care and joins the protest. Meanwhile, Chevy Chase's character gets super drunk and makes a scene. This is brilliant. Ah, reminds me of college.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Trying to Start a Blog War
Perez Hilton is a tool. He is totally bought in to his own hype. Now, I am going to be honest. I absolutely check his blog daily. I don't know why, but I can't stop.
But, that does not mean I respect him or think he's a good writer. I mean, he has thousands (if not millions) of readers and his posts are riddled with typos. More than 90% of his posts are quotes pulled from actual news sources (read, glossy magazines and tabloids) and photos of celebs with penises or compliments drawn all over them. And seriously, with all the money he makes, can he not do a better job of building his site and integrating advertising?! His stupid ads make the blog annoying to read - well, more annoying than the shameless self-promotion and the ridiculous lingo he employs (faboosh!).
So, why would a self-proclaimed reader of this drivel attack him on a much less popular and read blog, you may ask? Well, I am hoping to start a blog war! Suck it, Perez! I mean, you know the narcissist has a Google Alert set up for himself, so he can see what others are saying. Maybe if I write enough nasty stuff about him, he will write nasty stuff about us, and then we'll get more readers (and some annoyingly integrated advertisements). Really, there's no downside here.
So, Perez Hilton, I challenge you to a blog duel. I can reprint "news" from Us Weekly and talk crap about Speidi as well as you can (and I can certainly do it with fewer typos and a more extensive vocabulary). So, whatcha made of Mario Armando Lavandeira? That's right, I called you out by the name your momma gave you. What do you think of that?
But, that does not mean I respect him or think he's a good writer. I mean, he has thousands (if not millions) of readers and his posts are riddled with typos. More than 90% of his posts are quotes pulled from actual news sources (read, glossy magazines and tabloids) and photos of celebs with penises or compliments drawn all over them. And seriously, with all the money he makes, can he not do a better job of building his site and integrating advertising?! His stupid ads make the blog annoying to read - well, more annoying than the shameless self-promotion and the ridiculous lingo he employs (faboosh!).
So, why would a self-proclaimed reader of this drivel attack him on a much less popular and read blog, you may ask? Well, I am hoping to start a blog war! Suck it, Perez! I mean, you know the narcissist has a Google Alert set up for himself, so he can see what others are saying. Maybe if I write enough nasty stuff about him, he will write nasty stuff about us, and then we'll get more readers (and some annoyingly integrated advertisements). Really, there's no downside here.
So, Perez Hilton, I challenge you to a blog duel. I can reprint "news" from Us Weekly and talk crap about Speidi as well as you can (and I can certainly do it with fewer typos and a more extensive vocabulary). So, whatcha made of Mario Armando Lavandeira? That's right, I called you out by the name your momma gave you. What do you think of that?
Vanity Pounds
A while ago Elle and I shared a conversation that we had about the phenomenon (common mostly to women) where you aren't fat, but you are fat for you. We were seeking help to name it. We got a couple suggestions from readers (thanks again), but nothing really encapsulated that feeling.
Well, last week I was talking with some friends. One friend had been reamed by his trainer for chewing a piece of sugarless gum. Now, given the recent diet I was on (and incidentally completely failed at), and the mounting evidence that artificial sweetener does contribute to weight gain, I semi-understood why the trainer freaked (However, one piece of gum? Really? It isn't like drinking a whole Diet Coke - or as I like to call it, the nectar of the Gods. But, I digress). Well, another friend said that it was funny his trainer freaked out, because on the Biggest Loser one of the tips the contestants are given is to chew gum. But, they are chewing gum to avoid eating a whole cake. These people have seriously weight to lose - in some cases half their body weight. They are basically one drive-thru trip away from diabetes or a heart attack. But, my friend (and most people I know) are simply trying to lose vanity pounds. That's why crap like sugarless gum matters! We have to go to extraordinary measures to lose a few pounds, because most of us are at a healthy weight.
So, that's my submission to the conversation. Let me know what you think. And, if the term vanity pounds catches on, I am totally trademarking it.
(Note to any attorneys - or recent bar takers like my fiance - I realize that I cannot actually trademark a terms without trademarking it for some product. Don't stifle my creativity with your endlessly annoying need to demonstrate legal knowledge. Go pick apart a procedural drama and leave our blog alone!)
UPDATE: Just informed by Elle that the term vanity pounds is kinda widely used. Whatever, the Donald tried to trademark "You're Fired!" so I am well within my rights here.
Well, last week I was talking with some friends. One friend had been reamed by his trainer for chewing a piece of sugarless gum. Now, given the recent diet I was on (and incidentally completely failed at), and the mounting evidence that artificial sweetener does contribute to weight gain, I semi-understood why the trainer freaked (However, one piece of gum? Really? It isn't like drinking a whole Diet Coke - or as I like to call it, the nectar of the Gods. But, I digress). Well, another friend said that it was funny his trainer freaked out, because on the Biggest Loser one of the tips the contestants are given is to chew gum. But, they are chewing gum to avoid eating a whole cake. These people have seriously weight to lose - in some cases half their body weight. They are basically one drive-thru trip away from diabetes or a heart attack. But, my friend (and most people I know) are simply trying to lose vanity pounds. That's why crap like sugarless gum matters! We have to go to extraordinary measures to lose a few pounds, because most of us are at a healthy weight.
So, that's my submission to the conversation. Let me know what you think. And, if the term vanity pounds catches on, I am totally trademarking it.
(Note to any attorneys - or recent bar takers like my fiance - I realize that I cannot actually trademark a terms without trademarking it for some product. Don't stifle my creativity with your endlessly annoying need to demonstrate legal knowledge. Go pick apart a procedural drama and leave our blog alone!)
UPDATE: Just informed by Elle that the term vanity pounds is kinda widely used. Whatever, the Donald tried to trademark "You're Fired!" so I am well within my rights here.
I Know Someone Who's Getting One of These...
This one is one of my favorites--and so thoroughly useful!--but there are several gems over on Etsy. Give them to someone you love to hate.
Take Your Taboo and Shove It...It Might Feel Good
I realize that most of the ideology in our posts is limited to the religion of hating Tyra Banks and worshiping the magic box that is television. This particular post will be a little more nakedly opinionated on current events and politics. If you're here for the funny, feel free to skip it, but I feel a rant coming on...
The American public amuses me to no end with our simultaneous ability to be both entertained and horrified, never more so than on the subject of sex. I love a good sex scandal, because all of the voyeurs who can't get enough of reading the story also have the humorous nerve to act outraged.
Political sex scandals I have no problem with, because they're usually exposing some hilarious form of hypocrisy. But really, the hypocrisy wouldn't exist in the first place if we weren't all so pent up about sex. Senators wouldn't have to deny that they're gay or occassionally like kinky sex acts that the well-bred wives they're forced to marry won't perform, forcing them into the discreet arms of a high-class hooker.
Life would be a lot better if we threw the puritanical opinion elite off a cliff and just admitted that sex is fun and any way you want to do it should be fine and no one's damn business. Let's look at the sex stories of late...
I already mentioned the McSteamy so-not-sex-to-my-incredible-disappointment tape. Good looking guy and his good looking wife want to get naked with a good looking ex-beauty queen and I would hope have a lot more fun than we saw on that tape, what do you care? Like you've never had a threesome fantasy? Really? Or made a sex tape with your partner? C'mon. I'll say it again: the only interest in that tape should be seeing attractive people naked. There really shouldn't be any incredible scandal to it.
Along the same lines, the front page, above the fold "exclusive" story in the Washington Times today (disclaimer: I'm forced to read that publication) is about how much porn the dear people over at the National Science Foundation look at at work. Personally, I'm not that comfortable looking at porn at work...I want to look at porn somewhere where it can do me some good, and alas, my office has a glass door and thin walls. But hey, if it works for you, rock on (so to speak.)
The larger point here, is that I don't have a problem with porn. Why should I? Why should anyone? I once heard that a family friend doesn't have internet in their house because the husband has a "porn problem." To which I have to wonder, what precisely would a problem with porn be? Fat people? That's a problem with porn for me.
And last but never least, dear ACORN. I don't really have a problem with them providing advice to prostitutes about how to report their profession to the IRS. In fact, had that been a real prostitute, I'd be impressed with her wanting to report her earnings. Prostitution should just be legal--it's good for tax coffers and for public health. Regulating the industry limits forced and under aged prostitution, it ensures condom use and regular STD checks, and it rids us of the capitalistic hypocrisy that you can profit from any unique skills you're willing to perform except sex.
I get that an entity that receives tax dollars shouldn't advise people on how to skirt the law--especially not these people--but the law is stupid, and disadvantageous to women and the poor, particularly because cops often can't prove prostitution and instead bust sex workers on tax evasion. But they definitely should have drawn the line when the suggestion turned to under aged and forced prostitution.
Long story short, sex has become intertwined with politics and with entertainment, but above all, it should be personal. If we all felt personally comfortable with our sexual selves, I doubt we'd need to make this stuff a big deal. The fact that it still is bugs me.
The American public amuses me to no end with our simultaneous ability to be both entertained and horrified, never more so than on the subject of sex. I love a good sex scandal, because all of the voyeurs who can't get enough of reading the story also have the humorous nerve to act outraged.
Political sex scandals I have no problem with, because they're usually exposing some hilarious form of hypocrisy. But really, the hypocrisy wouldn't exist in the first place if we weren't all so pent up about sex. Senators wouldn't have to deny that they're gay or occassionally like kinky sex acts that the well-bred wives they're forced to marry won't perform, forcing them into the discreet arms of a high-class hooker.
Life would be a lot better if we threw the puritanical opinion elite off a cliff and just admitted that sex is fun and any way you want to do it should be fine and no one's damn business. Let's look at the sex stories of late...
I already mentioned the McSteamy so-not-sex-to-my-incredible-disappointment tape. Good looking guy and his good looking wife want to get naked with a good looking ex-beauty queen and I would hope have a lot more fun than we saw on that tape, what do you care? Like you've never had a threesome fantasy? Really? Or made a sex tape with your partner? C'mon. I'll say it again: the only interest in that tape should be seeing attractive people naked. There really shouldn't be any incredible scandal to it.
Along the same lines, the front page, above the fold "exclusive" story in the Washington Times today (disclaimer: I'm forced to read that publication) is about how much porn the dear people over at the National Science Foundation look at at work. Personally, I'm not that comfortable looking at porn at work...I want to look at porn somewhere where it can do me some good, and alas, my office has a glass door and thin walls. But hey, if it works for you, rock on (so to speak.)
The larger point here, is that I don't have a problem with porn. Why should I? Why should anyone? I once heard that a family friend doesn't have internet in their house because the husband has a "porn problem." To which I have to wonder, what precisely would a problem with porn be? Fat people? That's a problem with porn for me.
And last but never least, dear ACORN. I don't really have a problem with them providing advice to prostitutes about how to report their profession to the IRS. In fact, had that been a real prostitute, I'd be impressed with her wanting to report her earnings. Prostitution should just be legal--it's good for tax coffers and for public health. Regulating the industry limits forced and under aged prostitution, it ensures condom use and regular STD checks, and it rids us of the capitalistic hypocrisy that you can profit from any unique skills you're willing to perform except sex.
I get that an entity that receives tax dollars shouldn't advise people on how to skirt the law--especially not these people--but the law is stupid, and disadvantageous to women and the poor, particularly because cops often can't prove prostitution and instead bust sex workers on tax evasion. But they definitely should have drawn the line when the suggestion turned to under aged and forced prostitution.
Long story short, sex has become intertwined with politics and with entertainment, but above all, it should be personal. If we all felt personally comfortable with our sexual selves, I doubt we'd need to make this stuff a big deal. The fact that it still is bugs me.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
What Someone Else Thinks Is Wrong with Tyra Banks
The good news for Tyra Banks: she was in Ad Age.
The bad news for Tyra Banks: the article is completely accurate.
Thanks MHS!
The bad news for Tyra Banks: the article is completely accurate.
Thanks MHS!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
I Love How I Met Your Mother But...
Why does Bob Saget do the voice over for Josh Radnor? I mean, Josh Radnor (Ted) is an adult. Does his voice change after fathering children? It made sense for Wonder Years - young Kevin was pre-pubescent. I just don't understand.
It Ain't Easy Being Green
I am having a crisis of green. See, I am definitely not one of those super crunchy people who makes their own compost and uses recycled toilet paper. However, I try to do little things. I recycle, I reuse paper and plastic bags, I opt for tupperware and canvas grocery bags to cut back on trash, and I use kitty litter made of corn for our cat. I also, until recently, relyed pretty much solely on public transportation to get me to work each day. But then, my fiance started working downtown as well. And, since the shuttle that picks us up from Metro at our complex stops running at 7:10 and he is working in a law firm, making that last shuttle isn't always feasible. So, we explored driving to work. And it is heaven!
We only live about 5 miles from where we work, so even with heavy traffic it's like 20-25 minutes door-to-door. On the shuttle, it is closer to 40 door-to-door AND we have to listen to the annoying shuttle driver prattle on about his dwindling bank account or his crazy night out - not to mention the hell that is Metro at commute hours. We also both have the luxury of leaving work when we want and not having to wait longer for the Metro after 7:00 pm or worrying about how to get home if we miss the shuttle.
But, then there's the environmental impact. It's true that we do carpool, but Metro is certainly the greener option. So I guess my crisis boils down to how much I care. Should I prioritize my convenience or the planet? It's really a tough call.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
The Emmys - Your Delayed and only Partial Recap
Before I begin my - as advertised - delayed and partial recap of the Emmys, I have a confession. After a series of events this weekend far too depressing to detail on 2B1B, I was so out of it that I completely spaced on the Emmys until 9:00 p.m. I missed the red carpet, the opening number, and the comedy awards. So, hence the partial Emmy recap.
First and foremost: I <3 NPH. I had such a crush on him as Doogie, and he is just awesome as Barney Stinson. He was robbed. I mean, he lost to Duckie! Are you even kidding me?! Then, there is the Alec Baldwin 2nd win in a row. Now, before you get all worked up over some perceived blasphemy, let me offer the following disclaimer. I think 30 Rock is genius. I was saying, "I want to go to there" for months after Liz Lemon immortalized the phrase. And, Alec Baldwin is hilarious. However, I think he won because of star power. Who should have won you may ask? Jim Parsons of the Big Bang Theory - that's who. Now, I know what you are probably thinking.
Huh? Who is Jim Parsons and what is the Big Bang Theory. Well, the Big Bang Theory is an amazingly funny comedy and Jim Parsons is its center. He is amazing. The show is about 4 nerds and a semi-hot neighbor. One of the nerds cannot speak in front of women without alcohol. Another is a delusional Jewish guy (who I swear I went to Hebrew School with) who thinks he's a ladies man. David from Roseanne plays the relatively normal one trying to hook up with the semi-hot neighbor. By the way, for all the years I watched Roseanne and all the times I have seen Christmas Vacation, I only realized like a year ago that Johnny Galecki plays RUSTY! Crazy. Finally, there is Jim Parsons as Sheldon. Words cannot describe how hilarious he is. Just watch the show - and you're welcome.
Kristin Chenowith's win for Pushing Daisies only serves to further enrage me about the cancellation of the show that was the televised equivalent of a big, warm hug.
We all know Glenn Close will not be ignored, but that is no reason to reward Damages - especially not with Mad Men in the category. Look, she's admittedly (by critics anyway) the best thing on that show. However, this seems to just be another case of star power winning out over performance. Glenn Close is the chick who boiled a bunny and has been in a billion movies. But, Emmy voters - let's recognize fresh talent for a change!
I don't even want to talk about the woman from 24 (which incidentally has totally jumped the shark - how many horrible days can one agent have...apparently as many as it takes for Keifer Sutherland to become too expensive to produce the show). Either of the amazing ladies from In Treatment were robbed.
I will say that the big wins of the evening - while predictable - were right on. Go 30 Rock and Mad Men!
Finally, the Emmy fashion was disappointing. No one was off the deep end crazy - well, no one who matters anyway. I think some random chick showed up wearing some kind of Obama blanket, but most everyone else who was bad was just kind of bad. Drew Barrymore was BORING for f***'s sake! For a full recap, I leave you to the Fug Girls.
One thing I will promise you, dear reader. Assuming this blog remains entertaining for the next 12 months, next year I will do better. As God as my witness, I will never miss the Emmy Red Carpet again!
First and foremost: I <3 NPH. I had such a crush on him as Doogie, and he is just awesome as Barney Stinson. He was robbed. I mean, he lost to Duckie! Are you even kidding me?! Then, there is the Alec Baldwin 2nd win in a row. Now, before you get all worked up over some perceived blasphemy, let me offer the following disclaimer. I think 30 Rock is genius. I was saying, "I want to go to there" for months after Liz Lemon immortalized the phrase. And, Alec Baldwin is hilarious. However, I think he won because of star power. Who should have won you may ask? Jim Parsons of the Big Bang Theory - that's who. Now, I know what you are probably thinking.
Huh? Who is Jim Parsons and what is the Big Bang Theory. Well, the Big Bang Theory is an amazingly funny comedy and Jim Parsons is its center. He is amazing. The show is about 4 nerds and a semi-hot neighbor. One of the nerds cannot speak in front of women without alcohol. Another is a delusional Jewish guy (who I swear I went to Hebrew School with) who thinks he's a ladies man. David from Roseanne plays the relatively normal one trying to hook up with the semi-hot neighbor. By the way, for all the years I watched Roseanne and all the times I have seen Christmas Vacation, I only realized like a year ago that Johnny Galecki plays RUSTY! Crazy. Finally, there is Jim Parsons as Sheldon. Words cannot describe how hilarious he is. Just watch the show - and you're welcome.
Kristin Chenowith's win for Pushing Daisies only serves to further enrage me about the cancellation of the show that was the televised equivalent of a big, warm hug.
We all know Glenn Close will not be ignored, but that is no reason to reward Damages - especially not with Mad Men in the category. Look, she's admittedly (by critics anyway) the best thing on that show. However, this seems to just be another case of star power winning out over performance. Glenn Close is the chick who boiled a bunny and has been in a billion movies. But, Emmy voters - let's recognize fresh talent for a change!
I don't even want to talk about the woman from 24 (which incidentally has totally jumped the shark - how many horrible days can one agent have...apparently as many as it takes for Keifer Sutherland to become too expensive to produce the show). Either of the amazing ladies from In Treatment were robbed.
I will say that the big wins of the evening - while predictable - were right on. Go 30 Rock and Mad Men!
Finally, the Emmy fashion was disappointing. No one was off the deep end crazy - well, no one who matters anyway. I think some random chick showed up wearing some kind of Obama blanket, but most everyone else who was bad was just kind of bad. Drew Barrymore was BORING for f***'s sake! For a full recap, I leave you to the Fug Girls.
One thing I will promise you, dear reader. Assuming this blog remains entertaining for the next 12 months, next year I will do better. As God as my witness, I will never miss the Emmy Red Carpet again!
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Clean Up After Your Dog
My complex is pet-friendly, which means lots of dogs - they even provide baggies and special places to dispose of the waste. This is precisely why I am so mystified by people's insistence in leaving their dog's shit on the middle of walkways. Dear everyone who has a pet they don't think they need to clean up after. Next time you leave your dog's shit on the sidewalk - I hope someone makes you eat it.
Friday, September 18, 2009
"The Men of 1987 Want to Date You"
There just wasn't a better headline for this than the one Scanner came up with. Disappointingly the Found Footage Festival won't be coming to DC, but I encourage our SF and LA readers to make a pilgrimage, if this video is any indication of the hilarity to ensue.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
On Project Runway
Who is this Nicholas fellow? Like Johnny (Tommy? whatever his name is) sucks every challenge and whines and it's annoying and I'm pretty sure he's moments away from finally getting kicked off, and I'm happy about it (despite the fact that, due to the Heidi cum Tyra after show, I really dig his sweet little model.)
But why does this Nicholas punk always talk shit about other people's designs and talk like he's going to be in the top when he sucks such big balls? How can you lack self-awareness to that incredible degree?
UPDATE: Holy shit, Tim Gunn was pissed! I've rarely seen it. Tim, if you're out there, be our friend!
But why does this Nicholas punk always talk shit about other people's designs and talk like he's going to be in the top when he sucks such big balls? How can you lack self-awareness to that incredible degree?
UPDATE: Holy shit, Tim Gunn was pissed! I've rarely seen it. Tim, if you're out there, be our friend!
2B1B: Now Even Cooler
So, in addition to now being available in Kanyevision, 2B1B has also purchased the domain name 2Bitches1Blog.com. So, while you're still viewing us on Blogspot, and we still love Blogger and all things Google (fuck Bing), and you can continue to use the address 2bitches1blog.blogspot.com, you can also simply type in 2bitches1blog.com.
And when you talk about how awesome 2 Bitches, 1Blog is to all of your friends (and you totally should because we totally are) you don't have to include that cumbersome blogspot part, which is awesome...just like 2B1B. Cool? Cool.
And when you talk about how awesome 2 Bitches, 1Blog is to all of your friends (and you totally should because we totally are) you don't have to include that cumbersome blogspot part, which is awesome...just like 2B1B. Cool? Cool.
What is Wrong with Tyra Banks?!
Ok, so I think there is no question that Tyra Banks is a narcissist. I mean, I have seen episodes of Tyra where she will ask a guest a question and as they begin to answer, she interjects with a story about her! Joel McHale loves to show a clip of Tyra pointing to herself and joyfully saying "Me!" TV Without Pity rightly calls her Tyrant (and believe me, I plan to borrow that phrase often).
But on this last episode of ANTM, she dressed in spandex and a cape and called herself Super Smize - as in smiles with her eyes. There were even cheesy effects where there were little flashes coming off her as she posed and smiled with her eyes.
Then, she actually cast Lauren Conrad of The Hills fame to be a guest judge?! That girl's only talent is letting cameras follow her all day and not rolling her eyes at Audrina whenever she talks.
For the love of all that is holy, Tyrant - it's bad enough that you think the world revolves around you, but don't do anything else to overstate the importance of the MTV/VH1 reality "stars".
But on this last episode of ANTM, she dressed in spandex and a cape and called herself Super Smize - as in smiles with her eyes. There were even cheesy effects where there were little flashes coming off her as she posed and smiled with her eyes.
Then, she actually cast Lauren Conrad of The Hills fame to be a guest judge?! That girl's only talent is letting cameras follow her all day and not rolling her eyes at Audrina whenever she talks.
For the love of all that is holy, Tyrant - it's bad enough that you think the world revolves around you, but don't do anything else to overstate the importance of the MTV/VH1 reality "stars".
Help Us Name This Phenomenon
Tami: I am bloated. Sometimes I hate being female
Elle: happens to the best of us
Tami: dont let me punk out of going to the gym tonight
Elle: mmk
Tami: I did last night because I was pouty, and had bar food for dinner, which was a bad idea
Elle: yeah, but it happens when you're pouty. Just recommit to the discipline. I'm having to do it too, for I am fat
Tami: you are not fat
Elle: all of my clothes are tight. I am fat for me
Tami: ok, I buy that. Same boat
Elle: There should be a word for that--when otherwise normal/skinny girls put on a little weight that they want to get rid of, versus actually getting fat (which I would expect you to tell me "bitch, get to the gym, it's getting bad")
Tami: lol
Elle: Because I feel like so often when you're trying to honestly discuss and evaluate weight gain that you don't like and need to work on friends jump into self-esteem defense mode a la Mean Girls and are like "you're not fat! you're so skinny!"
Tami: no, it's true. i think it's really tough to be a friend sometimes. You want to be supportive,
but not mean. And there is also the girl thing that when a girl says she's fat, she wants to hear she isnt--not always, but often. It's fishing for reassurance
Elle: right, and it's really hard to assess what the friend wants
Tami: seriously
Elle: which is why there should be these two separate terms, because when a normal skinny girl says the term that means actual fat, you would know she's looking for reassurance, versus when she says the new term--whatever we decide it is--for a reasonable assessment of her size, which she'd like to work on
Tami: what is wrong with our gender though? why can't we just be more straightforward?
Elle: ha, you want us to go to our friends and be like 'I'm having a low self-esteem day, please tell me I'm still skinny?"
Elle: ha, you want us to go to our friends and be like 'I'm having a low self-esteem day, please tell me I'm still skinny?"
Tami: kinda. If you need something, ask for it...and welcome an honest response. Like, "well, honey, you have put on weight, but your skin is awesome. Let's go for a run to fix the problem."
Elle: or, "Well sweetie, you have put on some weight, but you're still on the thin size of average. Rethink that shirt though, because it's showing off your problem areas."
Tami: YES!
Tami: YES!
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Oh, Awkward
We've already mentioned our affection for Awkward Family Photos. This is just a tribute to awkward.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Damn You, J. Crew
Seriously, J. Crew has 40 pages of sale items online at this very moment. But there is nothing on the sale walls in the store. And it's all final sale. I have no problem with final sale, but usually I can try stuff on. I don't want to spend the money only to find out something doesn't fit me. Do the stores just send all their sale merchandise away? Why must they torment me?
Southern Charm - Or Something
So this past weekend I had the pleasure of visiting Little Rock, Arkansas for a wedding. I was seriously stoked. Seriously. See, I want to visit all 50 states, but I don't actually want to visit all 50 states (like whichever Dakota doesn't have Mt. Rushmore - what's the point?!).
So, on the plane ride over I met two lovely women. The first told me that West Virginia is cultured compared to Arkansas. And she was from Little Rock... The second had moved to Charlotte (where, incidentally I had to change planes to board a puddle jumper, because no real planes fly into Little Rock) and kept talking about what a huge city it was. Now, I realize Charlotte isn't a small town, but a huge city? Hardly.
When I arrived to the single terminal airport, my fiance and the groom picked me up. They had a great story about using the groom's navigation on his Blackberry to get to Wal-Mart that guided them straight to the center of a trailer park. No, I am not kidding, exaggerating, or otherwise messing with you. Right into a trailer park.
But, with the small town feel, also comes the small town charm. Everyone was incredibly nice and polite. AND, we stayed at a 4 star hotel (complete with a daily duck parade) for $109 a night. So, maybe I should give the other Dakota a chance too.
So, on the plane ride over I met two lovely women. The first told me that West Virginia is cultured compared to Arkansas. And she was from Little Rock... The second had moved to Charlotte (where, incidentally I had to change planes to board a puddle jumper, because no real planes fly into Little Rock) and kept talking about what a huge city it was. Now, I realize Charlotte isn't a small town, but a huge city? Hardly.
When I arrived to the single terminal airport, my fiance and the groom picked me up. They had a great story about using the groom's navigation on his Blackberry to get to Wal-Mart that guided them straight to the center of a trailer park. No, I am not kidding, exaggerating, or otherwise messing with you. Right into a trailer park.
But, with the small town feel, also comes the small town charm. Everyone was incredibly nice and polite. AND, we stayed at a 4 star hotel (complete with a daily duck parade) for $109 a night. So, maybe I should give the other Dakota a chance too.
Fall TV Season - It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Ah, yes! The fall television season. There is always so much promise - and my two Tivos (yes, you read that right, my two Tivos) are all aflutter with anticipation. So far, it has not disappointed.
Now, to be fair, not that much has gotten started yet. But, the incredibly stylish and addictive Mad Men has been superb, and my guilty pleasures are back with a vengeance.
Now, I know Elle already talked a bit about 90210, Melrose, and ANTM, but I have a few things to add to her "Part 1" posting.
First, I must disagree with her assessment of the new 9-0. Now, don't get me wrong, the first season went off the rails hard core. It was trying to lure in viewers of the original with Kelly, Donna and Brenda nostalgia, but that really only served to make the adults more interesting than the so-called main characters. Plus, AnnaLynn McCord appeared to be unable to act her way out of a box. Don't ask what that actually means. I am trying to creatively say she was wooden and horrible. But, much like the shiteous addictive quality of the final seasons of the original, I could not stop watching the remake. It was like a hideous trainwreck - like Tori Spellings botched boob job - it was confusing, horrifying, and I simply could not look away.
This season though - this season has a different quality. First of all, I swear ALMcC appears to have taken acting lessons. Plus, the writing has improved. It also has that wonderfully soapy quality of ridiculous plot lines peppered with bitchy dialogue. I think the show actually has promise. Plus, the actresses are so ridiculously skinny that I don't feel bad about myself. I just want to strap them to a chair and force feed them McDonalds because they look about 3 seconds away from passing out.
Next, ANTM. I fully agree with Elle here. I also find it hilarious that Tyra cast short girls. You know she only did that because she felt the regular wannabe models (who, incidentally are lucky to get a gig with Wal-Mart after the show ends) weren't nearly appreciative enough of the opportunity. Literally every girl this season has expressed undying gratitude to the Tyra(nt), because "no one else would give us this shot. What she's doing is amazing." You get the idea.
Finally, the Melrose reboot. I am really proud that this time around they realized that not everyone in LA is white. There is actually some diversity in the cast. And yes, the plotlines are still totally over-the-top and delicious. Girl decides to prostitute herself to pay for med school? PRICELESS. Not even Passions could have come up with that shit.
I am also looking forward to the new season of Gossip Girl, the premier of The Beautiful Life: TBL (BTW - how stupid is that acronym in the title?), How I Met Your Mother, Big Bang Theory, and a myriad of new shows that look promising as well old favorites I simply cannot quit.
Now, to be fair, not that much has gotten started yet. But, the incredibly stylish and addictive Mad Men has been superb, and my guilty pleasures are back with a vengeance.
Now, I know Elle already talked a bit about 90210, Melrose, and ANTM, but I have a few things to add to her "Part 1" posting.
First, I must disagree with her assessment of the new 9-0. Now, don't get me wrong, the first season went off the rails hard core. It was trying to lure in viewers of the original with Kelly, Donna and Brenda nostalgia, but that really only served to make the adults more interesting than the so-called main characters. Plus, AnnaLynn McCord appeared to be unable to act her way out of a box. Don't ask what that actually means. I am trying to creatively say she was wooden and horrible. But, much like the shiteous addictive quality of the final seasons of the original, I could not stop watching the remake. It was like a hideous trainwreck - like Tori Spellings botched boob job - it was confusing, horrifying, and I simply could not look away.
This season though - this season has a different quality. First of all, I swear ALMcC appears to have taken acting lessons. Plus, the writing has improved. It also has that wonderfully soapy quality of ridiculous plot lines peppered with bitchy dialogue. I think the show actually has promise. Plus, the actresses are so ridiculously skinny that I don't feel bad about myself. I just want to strap them to a chair and force feed them McDonalds because they look about 3 seconds away from passing out.
Next, ANTM. I fully agree with Elle here. I also find it hilarious that Tyra cast short girls. You know she only did that because she felt the regular wannabe models (who, incidentally are lucky to get a gig with Wal-Mart after the show ends) weren't nearly appreciative enough of the opportunity. Literally every girl this season has expressed undying gratitude to the Tyra(nt), because "no one else would give us this shot. What she's doing is amazing." You get the idea.
Finally, the Melrose reboot. I am really proud that this time around they realized that not everyone in LA is white. There is actually some diversity in the cast. And yes, the plotlines are still totally over-the-top and delicious. Girl decides to prostitute herself to pay for med school? PRICELESS. Not even Passions could have come up with that shit.
I am also looking forward to the new season of Gossip Girl, the premier of The Beautiful Life: TBL (BTW - how stupid is that acronym in the title?), How I Met Your Mother, Big Bang Theory, and a myriad of new shows that look promising as well old favorites I simply cannot quit.
The VMAs: What Can We Really Say?
A lot of people have asked us what we think of the VMAs and if we're going to post on it. I'm not really sure what there is to say that hasn't been said already. Kanye West is a huge tool who does douchey stuff...that's not really news.
It's unfortunate that he humiliated Taylor Swift, who had no control over winning the award and was a really improper target for a point well taken, but they weren't going to give Best Female Video to the winner of Video of the Year. It's like Kanye's never seen an MTV award show before. Oh, but wait, he has, he disrupted one in 2004. And seriously, the VMA's are just not that important as far as awards are concerned.
In fact, they're so unimportant that the ratings had slipped pretty badly in recent years (only 6 million viewers in 2006 where it used to draw 12). It needed some sensationalist press and 2 simulcasts to reach a cumulative audience of about 11 million. I'm not so sure they didn't do it all for the YouTube hits.
Also, Kanye, what the hell is going on with your hair?
It's unfortunate that he humiliated Taylor Swift, who had no control over winning the award and was a really improper target for a point well taken, but they weren't going to give Best Female Video to the winner of Video of the Year. It's like Kanye's never seen an MTV award show before. Oh, but wait, he has, he disrupted one in 2004. And seriously, the VMA's are just not that important as far as awards are concerned.
In fact, they're so unimportant that the ratings had slipped pretty badly in recent years (only 6 million viewers in 2006 where it used to draw 12). It needed some sensationalist press and 2 simulcasts to reach a cumulative audience of about 11 million. I'm not so sure they didn't do it all for the YouTube hits.
Also, Kanye, what the hell is going on with your hair?
Can Sports Bras Rightly Be Called Lingerie?
I don't have a big feministy problem with this, but I don't really get why it's a big deal. Guys play football "shirts and skins" all the time. I used to practice soccer in attire that wasn't much different. The chicks in the pictures with bellybutton rings worry me a little...that doesn't seem safe.
Overall, I'm for it. I'm for women having the choice to play whatever sport they want wearing whatever they want. But seriously, take out your bellybutton ring.
Overall, I'm for it. I'm for women having the choice to play whatever sport they want wearing whatever they want. But seriously, take out your bellybutton ring.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
Wrong. Bad. Bad. Wrong. No. No. No.
The leggings topic is stalking me.
Fellow PR chick KA sent me a media request from HARO for VIVmag.com. (Sidenote: Ideeli, this is where you advertise?! Our readers are much more your target audience and our rates are incredibly reasonable.) The request read:
Well, Shelley Levitt, reporter for VIVmag.com that gets advertisers that it totally doesn't deserve, I don't know that I can be considered an expert, but allow me to take a stab at answering your questions.
First, there is definitely too old to wear leggings--you don't want to look too trying-hard-trendy. Age appropriately. This is why Vogue does the age issue.
There is also definitely too short. Short girls have to be very careful not to cut off their height with leggings.
As for good legs, well, here I have a question: when we say "leggings trend" are we talking leggings as pants or are we talking leggings under skirts? Leggings under skirts can actually hide bad legs pretty decently, but you have to be able to pull off the look, and there's an age limit on it. If we're talking leggings as pants, well, if you have fatty legs, don't fucking wear leggings as pants. In fact, even if you just have normal legs, most times you shouldn't wear leggings as pants. (And yes, acknowledged, many would say never to wear leggings as pants.)
Brands? Well, they're f'ing leggings. Basic black from Old Navy for $6 will work. Just wash them in cold water. Don't wear patterns. Or I'll find you. Just to be safe, as AO advised, just wearing tights...not as pants.
I kind of want to check for this article when it comes out...but I don't want to drive up VIVmag.com's viewer numbers and subsequent advetising rates. Hmmm...
Fellow PR chick KA sent me a media request from HARO for VIVmag.com. (Sidenote: Ideeli, this is where you advertise?! Our readers are much more your target audience and our rates are incredibly reasonable.) The request read:
I'm looking for fashion experts who can offer advice to women 35+ on how to make the leggings trend work for them. For women who think they're too old or too short, who think they're legs aren't good enough, or their style is too traditional, what are some tips to adding leggings to their wardrobe, including the best brands, styles, patterns, colors to wear.
Well, Shelley Levitt, reporter for VIVmag.com that gets advertisers that it totally doesn't deserve, I don't know that I can be considered an expert, but allow me to take a stab at answering your questions.
First, there is definitely too old to wear leggings--you don't want to look too trying-hard-trendy. Age appropriately. This is why Vogue does the age issue.
There is also definitely too short. Short girls have to be very careful not to cut off their height with leggings.
As for good legs, well, here I have a question: when we say "leggings trend" are we talking leggings as pants or are we talking leggings under skirts? Leggings under skirts can actually hide bad legs pretty decently, but you have to be able to pull off the look, and there's an age limit on it. If we're talking leggings as pants, well, if you have fatty legs, don't fucking wear leggings as pants. In fact, even if you just have normal legs, most times you shouldn't wear leggings as pants. (And yes, acknowledged, many would say never to wear leggings as pants.)
Brands? Well, they're f'ing leggings. Basic black from Old Navy for $6 will work. Just wash them in cold water. Don't wear patterns. Or I'll find you. Just to be safe, as AO advised, just wearing tights...not as pants.
I kind of want to check for this article when it comes out...but I don't want to drive up VIVmag.com's viewer numbers and subsequent advetising rates. Hmmm...
Because at 2B1B, We Always Strive for Class and Appropriateness
Never forget?
Hey tattoo artist, I hope that dude paid you enough...for your soul. Then again, had it been an ad campaign, he could have won an award.
It Must Be Fall...
I ordered a Sam Adams seasonal at the bar last night--it was no longer Summer Ale, we're in Oktoberfest season.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Oh Television, How I Missed You
Like an addict in detox all summer, I love the week after Labor Day. In fact, I was so desperate for my fix that I happily watched Modern 90210 last night which, as an obsessive fan of the original, I happen to think pretty much blows.
Actually, taking this addiction metaphor one step farther (largely because I've just started watching The Wire on DVD), it's not like I gave up TV during the summer shit season, the quality of my TV stash was just, well, stepped on. God help me, I actually watched the TV series version of 10 Things I Hate About You. Oh September, you bringer of high quality, mind rotting product, you.
No doubt this will be a multi-part homage to the return of television season (from both myself and Tami), but I'll kick us off...
Modern 90210
You still suck and bother me. Also I have no idea what's going on. But, whenever Silver decided to cut her hair and Adriana decided to grow it long, well, good choice.
Modern Melrose Place
Given the theme of this blog, you may have thought I was counting down to the premier of Modern Melrose Place. I was not. Modern 90210 was such a disappointment--so poorly acted, so obnoxiously squeaky clean (at least they were true to the original there)--that I had just given up hope that new MP would be any good.I was wrong. Where the original MP started out with the good kid, life lesson format fitting a 90210 spin off and then quickly devolved into drastic character changes and drama, the new MP starts off naughty...and I like it. I was skeptical when they killed Sydney in the first scene--afterall, everyone's tried to kill Sydney from pimps to her husband-at-the-time. (I'd have said "spoiler alert," but seriously, it's the first scene.)
It could still go wrong--and I'd had a cocktail or two upon watching (don't judge)--but so far I think New MP is all right.
America's Next Top Model
Oh. God. Tyra. Why?First and foremost, I wonder every season if professing Tyra worship is a prerequisite to getting on the show. Like if Naomi Campbell assumed a pseudonym and went to casting but said at every opportunity what a moronic, desperate narcissist Tyra is, would they cut her ass? Pretty sure. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's why Elyse way back in "cycle" 1.
And you know what makes me more over it? When every comment about the photos is whether or not the girl looks long enough. It's not changing the standard of beauty when what you're trying to do is take short girls and photograph them so that they look tall. It's like saying you don't discriminate against black models and then asking them to wear make-up/hair/clothes that make them look white (which, of course, is a controversy in the industry as well.)
Last and never least, god do I love the crazy Christian archetype on cycle after cycle of ANTM. This particular season's may well have been the f'ing craziest. She was weirdly loud and screamed "Thank you, Jesus! We're going to save the world!" when she was selected as a finalist. You can't beat that kind of crazy, and I'm terminally depressed that she decided not to continue on "for personal reasons." I wanted to see that crazy bitch do a nude shoot.
Top Chef
Padma, did you get hotter?!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Comments: Now Easier
One of the things that has confused me since we started this blog is why friends have been so much more willing to gchat me about blog topics, rather than comment on posts. For example, on the skinny jeans debate, gems like this should be shared:
I totally disagree about the high shoes, totally agree about the boots, but this is certainly an issue that should be debated among the entire community, important world issue that it is!
So why don't more people comment?
Reader LD informed me today that it's because you have to sign in to Google with your own account, you can't simply fill in a name. I guess Tami and I never noticed because we always have to be signed in. No matter, the issue is now fixed and you can be as anonymous as you want, so comment away!
I think they can be buffered with high shoes in general (hence maybe an extra 5-10% of the population can pull them off) and also have a whole diff look when worn with a boot. otherwise, people that are circa 100 lbs can wear them with flats.
I totally disagree about the high shoes, totally agree about the boots, but this is certainly an issue that should be debated among the entire community, important world issue that it is!
So why don't more people comment?
Reader LD informed me today that it's because you have to sign in to Google with your own account, you can't simply fill in a name. I guess Tami and I never noticed because we always have to be signed in. No matter, the issue is now fixed and you can be as anonymous as you want, so comment away!
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
"This place is the reason I created a Yelp account"
OK, I didn't create a Yelp account...in part because I have this here blog and in part because I worry that I'll become this. But reviewer Katie K. over there and I, we're on the same damn page about Art and Soul, because god knows I want to shout from every medium available, "don't fucking bother." I generally should have paid more attention to the Yelp reviews (the people who give it any more than 2 stars are just charmed by the celebrity chef rep and nouveau riche atmosphere) but alas, I was excited by the reviews when the restaurant first opened, bolstered by Art Smith's appearance on Top Chef Masters and sold when the restaurant appeared on an otherwise anemic list of restaurants for Restaurant Week.
First, I'd like to mention that I'm f'ing sick of restaurants that are a cutesy play on the chef's name or that are named the street number of their address. It's narcissistic and it's been done. I'm over it.
But Art and Soul's greatest offense is being a hotel restaurant. A "hotel restaurant" is not to be confused with a restaurant located in a hotel. DC, in all of its expense account loving splendor, actually has an odd tendancy to place great restaurants in hotels: Blue Duck Tavern in the Hyatt, West End Bistro in the Ritz, Urbana in the Palomar. In contrast, a hotel restaurant has fine food, but not great. It over promises, it under delivers, and it's offensively over priced. All of these things are true of Art and Soul.
If I describe each course, this post will approach the length of the Comcast post, and nothing in this world deserves as much vitriol as Comcast. Suffice it to say that the courses weren't particularly flavorful, they weren't particularly well presented and they certainly weren't particularly southern. (If you're looking for good modern southern in DC, go for Vidalia or Acadiana, I beg of you.)
I will, however, discuss the service and the company...and why I will never stay at the Liaison Hotel either. The crowd looked like an Ed Hardy convention had taken an entire sex workers conference to dinner. I can't believe my boyfriend and I had actually considered whether we were under-dressed. I overheard conversations so vapid that I've blocked them out due to emotional distress. And all of these losers crowding the bar somehow slowed down all of the service. I mean really, is there any excuse for waiting 20 minutes for a dessert menu? There's sure not.
I think my cocktail was the quintessential experience of the night, at least where food was concerned. I took a look at their specialty cocktail menu, which all sounded incredibly sweet. I often like one sweet cocktail at the beginning or end of the meal and I thought "what the hell?" and ordered a blackberry mojito. When the drink arrived 25 minutes later, it was actually surprisingly good--they'd replaced the sugar with the blackberries. I mentioned to the waiter that the drink was very good--that it could easily have been too sweet, but was not. He had strangely little reaction. I ordered another as I was finishing my appetizer. It arrived as I was finishing my entree, and it was like drinking corn syrup. Apparently the bartender had left out the sugar on the first drink. Boyfriend believes the waiter thinks I may be a honeybee.
After I had to pour table water into my cocktail in order to choke it down, we decided that the meal was over. Boyfriend flagged down our waiter for the check and I went to the ladies room, which was also the hotel lobby ladies room. There, I found three chicks standing in front of the sinks, checking themselves in the mirror and plotting how to get on The Real World (here's a tip, they're done filming in DC) and what appeared to be full stalls except the handicapped stall. I pulled on the handle to the stall and, score!, it opens...or so I thought. Upon opening the door I found some chick, bare ass in the air, clearly drunk, "squatting" over the toilet. I immediately apologized, but she had no reaction. I don't think it was the first time a stranger had seen her bare ass hoisted in the air.
Another stall emptied, I stepped in, peed, came out and the same chicks were still blocking the sinks. When an "excuse me" prompted no movement on their part and I realized they were trashed, I decided it was better not to argue, but rather to wait. While waiting, two other drunk chicks stumble in. One goes into a stall, while the other Rachel Zoe-looking one looked around confused. I gestured at the now empty stalll I'd exited, where upon she informed me that she didn't need to pee and that my dress was cute. I thanked her. But then she continued "You just need some really big earings...and a really big necklace...and oh, girl, some heels!"
I was wearing a large cocktail ring, which, for those that don't know my jewelry habits, is about as much as I'm willing to wear. And heels I love, but they're special occassion shoes to me--retipping my Stuart Weitzmans is a pain in the ass. If I were going out dancing, I would have been in heels. As I'm considering all of these things and trying to find an appropriate reaction, the chicks at the sink move and I'm finally able to wash my hands.
I move to the sink and Zoe follows me. She continues, "You have this perfect little body," and proceeds to place her hands on the sides of my breasts "like this," moves her hands to my waist "this," and finished on my hips "and these." At this point I must have registered horror on my face because she says to me, "Honey, I'm a mother of three--all girls, no boys--I'm not hitting on you, I'm just saying, you should wear tighter clothes and more jewelry and men would love you!" The seventh grader in me wanted to tell her that my very attractive boyfriend was waiting for me back at my table. The rest of me wanted to call child protective services.
When I got back to the table, the check had finally come, but the waiter hadn't taken our credit cards yet.
Thank god Bistro Bis is around the corner and the bartender makes a fabulous extra dirty martini. Try the coconut sorbet.
First, I'd like to mention that I'm f'ing sick of restaurants that are a cutesy play on the chef's name or that are named the street number of their address. It's narcissistic and it's been done. I'm over it.
But Art and Soul's greatest offense is being a hotel restaurant. A "hotel restaurant" is not to be confused with a restaurant located in a hotel. DC, in all of its expense account loving splendor, actually has an odd tendancy to place great restaurants in hotels: Blue Duck Tavern in the Hyatt, West End Bistro in the Ritz, Urbana in the Palomar. In contrast, a hotel restaurant has fine food, but not great. It over promises, it under delivers, and it's offensively over priced. All of these things are true of Art and Soul.
If I describe each course, this post will approach the length of the Comcast post, and nothing in this world deserves as much vitriol as Comcast. Suffice it to say that the courses weren't particularly flavorful, they weren't particularly well presented and they certainly weren't particularly southern. (If you're looking for good modern southern in DC, go for Vidalia or Acadiana, I beg of you.)
I will, however, discuss the service and the company...and why I will never stay at the Liaison Hotel either. The crowd looked like an Ed Hardy convention had taken an entire sex workers conference to dinner. I can't believe my boyfriend and I had actually considered whether we were under-dressed. I overheard conversations so vapid that I've blocked them out due to emotional distress. And all of these losers crowding the bar somehow slowed down all of the service. I mean really, is there any excuse for waiting 20 minutes for a dessert menu? There's sure not.
I think my cocktail was the quintessential experience of the night, at least where food was concerned. I took a look at their specialty cocktail menu, which all sounded incredibly sweet. I often like one sweet cocktail at the beginning or end of the meal and I thought "what the hell?" and ordered a blackberry mojito. When the drink arrived 25 minutes later, it was actually surprisingly good--they'd replaced the sugar with the blackberries. I mentioned to the waiter that the drink was very good--that it could easily have been too sweet, but was not. He had strangely little reaction. I ordered another as I was finishing my appetizer. It arrived as I was finishing my entree, and it was like drinking corn syrup. Apparently the bartender had left out the sugar on the first drink. Boyfriend believes the waiter thinks I may be a honeybee.
After I had to pour table water into my cocktail in order to choke it down, we decided that the meal was over. Boyfriend flagged down our waiter for the check and I went to the ladies room, which was also the hotel lobby ladies room. There, I found three chicks standing in front of the sinks, checking themselves in the mirror and plotting how to get on The Real World (here's a tip, they're done filming in DC) and what appeared to be full stalls except the handicapped stall. I pulled on the handle to the stall and, score!, it opens...or so I thought. Upon opening the door I found some chick, bare ass in the air, clearly drunk, "squatting" over the toilet. I immediately apologized, but she had no reaction. I don't think it was the first time a stranger had seen her bare ass hoisted in the air.
Another stall emptied, I stepped in, peed, came out and the same chicks were still blocking the sinks. When an "excuse me" prompted no movement on their part and I realized they were trashed, I decided it was better not to argue, but rather to wait. While waiting, two other drunk chicks stumble in. One goes into a stall, while the other Rachel Zoe-looking one looked around confused. I gestured at the now empty stalll I'd exited, where upon she informed me that she didn't need to pee and that my dress was cute. I thanked her. But then she continued "You just need some really big earings...and a really big necklace...and oh, girl, some heels!"
I was wearing a large cocktail ring, which, for those that don't know my jewelry habits, is about as much as I'm willing to wear. And heels I love, but they're special occassion shoes to me--retipping my Stuart Weitzmans is a pain in the ass. If I were going out dancing, I would have been in heels. As I'm considering all of these things and trying to find an appropriate reaction, the chicks at the sink move and I'm finally able to wash my hands.
I move to the sink and Zoe follows me. She continues, "You have this perfect little body," and proceeds to place her hands on the sides of my breasts "like this," moves her hands to my waist "this," and finished on my hips "and these." At this point I must have registered horror on my face because she says to me, "Honey, I'm a mother of three--all girls, no boys--I'm not hitting on you, I'm just saying, you should wear tighter clothes and more jewelry and men would love you!" The seventh grader in me wanted to tell her that my very attractive boyfriend was waiting for me back at my table. The rest of me wanted to call child protective services.
When I got back to the table, the check had finally come, but the waiter hadn't taken our credit cards yet.
Thank god Bistro Bis is around the corner and the bartender makes a fabulous extra dirty martini. Try the coconut sorbet.
On Skinny Jeans: Proof that We Read Our Comments
Recently, BellaNutella asked us the following in comments:
Well Bella, you're in luck because bitches always tell the truth. The truth about skinny jeans is that only (and this may be generous) 5% of the population can pull them off while closer to 35% of the population believes they can pull them off.
I don't object on principle, but the very simple fact is that skinny jeans were invented for, shocking though this might be, the skinny. And not just the normal skinny, the freakish model skinny. They're one of those things that should only be available in sizes 00, 0, 2 and maybe 4 (but only for the tall) just to save people from themselves. It's like when you see a tight fitting dress in a size large and you pray that the store won't sell any for the benefit of your eyes. I say if no one above a size small should wear it, you just shouldn't make a larger size at all...for society.
As for me, I'm a size 4 and I cannot pull off the skinny jean. Anyone who has hips and thighs just shouldn't try. Skinny jeans are the skinny legged, knock kneed girls' revenge from when they were picked on in middle school. To tell if you're in the should or should not group, try on a pair of skinny jeans. If (1) your inner thighs touch each other when you stand with your feet shoulder width apart or (2) there is any rounding from the thighs just above the knee then you're in the 95% of the population with me and you'll have to give up on the dream. Bella, I could be wrong, so take the test above, but my inclination is that, knowing you as I do, you have more womanliness to you than a 12 year old boy and, as a result, skinny jeans are not for you...or for most people who wear larger than an A-cup.
If you do qualify to wear skinny jeans, please, for the love of god, wear the proper footwear with them. Tennis shoes are a no. Really, not anything you'd need to wear socks with. Converse maybe. Generally, go for a simple flat...ballet shoe-esque. Like the overplayed Tory Burch slides...but something not so over played. If they're the type that bunch at the bottom, you can wear heels. Otherwise, heel with caution.
That's this bitch's take. Tami? Commenters?
How do we feel about skinny jeans? more coverage and hold than leggings, but are they still offensive? I'm hoping the answer is no, as I've spotted a nice black pair at BR; however, I'm counting on you Bitches to tell me the truth!
Well Bella, you're in luck because bitches always tell the truth. The truth about skinny jeans is that only (and this may be generous) 5% of the population can pull them off while closer to 35% of the population believes they can pull them off.
I don't object on principle, but the very simple fact is that skinny jeans were invented for, shocking though this might be, the skinny. And not just the normal skinny, the freakish model skinny. They're one of those things that should only be available in sizes 00, 0, 2 and maybe 4 (but only for the tall) just to save people from themselves. It's like when you see a tight fitting dress in a size large and you pray that the store won't sell any for the benefit of your eyes. I say if no one above a size small should wear it, you just shouldn't make a larger size at all...for society.
As for me, I'm a size 4 and I cannot pull off the skinny jean. Anyone who has hips and thighs just shouldn't try. Skinny jeans are the skinny legged, knock kneed girls' revenge from when they were picked on in middle school. To tell if you're in the should or should not group, try on a pair of skinny jeans. If (1) your inner thighs touch each other when you stand with your feet shoulder width apart or (2) there is any rounding from the thighs just above the knee then you're in the 95% of the population with me and you'll have to give up on the dream. Bella, I could be wrong, so take the test above, but my inclination is that, knowing you as I do, you have more womanliness to you than a 12 year old boy and, as a result, skinny jeans are not for you...or for most people who wear larger than an A-cup.
If you do qualify to wear skinny jeans, please, for the love of god, wear the proper footwear with them. Tennis shoes are a no. Really, not anything you'd need to wear socks with. Converse maybe. Generally, go for a simple flat...ballet shoe-esque. Like the overplayed Tory Burch slides...but something not so over played. If they're the type that bunch at the bottom, you can wear heels. Otherwise, heel with caution.
That's this bitch's take. Tami? Commenters?
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Comcast--The Saga Continues
I took a brief nap this evening when I got home from work (having a boyfriend on a four hour time change can often lead to such juvenile behavior) and awoke to a message from Comcast asking me to call a 1-866 number "about my account." Gee, can you vague that up for me a little? You're overwhelming me with the detail.
So, after I arose, I called the number. I was told by an automated message that all of the representatives were busy and then subjected to what should have been hold music, but I'm pretty sure was just static. After holding for a while, I was put to a voicemail and told to leave a message for "Box Number 5." I figured this had to be a mistake, so I hung up and repeated the process, static for hold music and all.
In the end, I left a message for good ole Box Number 5 and this is what I said:
I feel fairly certain that they're calling to threaten to shut off my service even though I've paid my bill (and the amount has been deducted from my bank account, I checked) and explained to them that it's their fault that they didn't receive the payment in a more timely manner. It would just be so...them. I'll keep y'all updated. Keep sharing your horror stories. This will be like group therapy.
So, after I arose, I called the number. I was told by an automated message that all of the representatives were busy and then subjected to what should have been hold music, but I'm pretty sure was just static. After holding for a while, I was put to a voicemail and told to leave a message for "Box Number 5." I figured this had to be a mistake, so I hung up and repeated the process, static for hold music and all.
In the end, I left a message for good ole Box Number 5 and this is what I said:
Hi, this is Elle Kay. I'm returning a call from you to call this number and now I suppose I will wait for another call, which is generally representative of the fantastic customer service I've received from you. Please give me a call back to discuss whatever vague issue with my Comcast account you alluded to on my voicemail [and here I left my phone number.]I couldn't help but think of Shirley Jackson.
I feel fairly certain that they're calling to threaten to shut off my service even though I've paid my bill (and the amount has been deducted from my bank account, I checked) and explained to them that it's their fault that they didn't receive the payment in a more timely manner. It would just be so...them. I'll keep y'all updated. Keep sharing your horror stories. This will be like group therapy.
I'm Feeling Morally Ambivalent
I hate children. Many of you may know this. I don't really think they're people, they scare the shit out of me, and in general I resent having them in the same places that I am. If anyone has venture capital in this economy, I'd like to start a chain of restaurants, hotels, airlines, etc. that are over 21 only.
That being the case, I've been known to bitch loudly when a child is making noise in what I would consider "grown up space." This is everything from the metro at rush hour to restaurants to nice stores. I just think that really you shouldn't be bringing your kid there. Make alternate arrangements. Watch the Sex and the City episode entitled "A Woman's Right to Shoes." Having kids is your choice...just don't force your bad decision on me.
That being said, I try pretty hard not to hit children--particularly other people's children. And so far I've succeeded. Somehow even the little devil on my shoulder thinks that seems wrong. But alas, not this gent from near where I grew up. I have some sympathy for him--crying kids and the parents who do nothing about it are fucking annoying. On the other hand, he looks like the meanest man ever. And it might be kind of wrong.
That being the case, I've been known to bitch loudly when a child is making noise in what I would consider "grown up space." This is everything from the metro at rush hour to restaurants to nice stores. I just think that really you shouldn't be bringing your kid there. Make alternate arrangements. Watch the Sex and the City episode entitled "A Woman's Right to Shoes." Having kids is your choice...just don't force your bad decision on me.
That being said, I try pretty hard not to hit children--particularly other people's children. And so far I've succeeded. Somehow even the little devil on my shoulder thinks that seems wrong. But alas, not this gent from near where I grew up. I have some sympathy for him--crying kids and the parents who do nothing about it are fucking annoying. On the other hand, he looks like the meanest man ever. And it might be kind of wrong.
Spotted: DC Fashion Crimes - Butt Edition
The weather in DC is currently fabulous. Not too hot, not too cool and (thank fucking god) not too humid. As we draw towards the end of the recess (and seersucker season...seriously, not after Labor Day), it's a nice time to take a long lunch and an accompanying long walk before we all have to actually work again.
My co-worker and I took such a long walk to a long lunch today. On the way back, we first encountered this...
In case my blackberry isn't making this clear enough, that's ass cleavage. Hard core ass cleavage. And it's wrong. Shockingly, upsettingly, terribly wrong. It's also accompanied by grey fashion-victim-trying-to-wear-as-many-second-hand-designer-labels-at-once Uggs. It's still summer. Cooler temps or not, it's not time for Uggs. (I leave it open to debate whether there's ever a time for Uggs.)
Next, as if our eyes had not been assaulted enough, we were greeted with this...
Those, my friends, are purple leggings, worn as pants, with darker purple flowers on them. I know. Trust me, I know. Now, leggings as pants is controversial to me. I worship the Fug Girls and respect their opinion that "LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS!!" and I once had two beers (not one, two) poured over me in a bit of a bar fight because I told a size 8 that her thighs look huge when she wears leggings as pants. (That bitch cut the bathroom line at a crowded bar, you can't blame me.) On the other hand, having spent my undergrad education in California, I'm forced to admit that I believe that a very few people can pull of leggings as pants (WX, I'm looking at you) and perhaps worse still, I have to say that I think Lindsay Lohan looks alright in them (I know, I know, credibility gone).
BUT most people, myself included, look like they have huge thighs when they wear leggings as pants. And NO ONE--I repeat NO ONE--looks good in light purple leggings with dark purple flowers on them. I defy you to disagree.
And I still hate DC.
My co-worker and I took such a long walk to a long lunch today. On the way back, we first encountered this...
In case my blackberry isn't making this clear enough, that's ass cleavage. Hard core ass cleavage. And it's wrong. Shockingly, upsettingly, terribly wrong. It's also accompanied by grey fashion-victim-trying-to-wear-as-many-second-hand-designer-labels-at-once Uggs. It's still summer. Cooler temps or not, it's not time for Uggs. (I leave it open to debate whether there's ever a time for Uggs.)Next, as if our eyes had not been assaulted enough, we were greeted with this...
Those, my friends, are purple leggings, worn as pants, with darker purple flowers on them. I know. Trust me, I know. Now, leggings as pants is controversial to me. I worship the Fug Girls and respect their opinion that "LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS!!" and I once had two beers (not one, two) poured over me in a bit of a bar fight because I told a size 8 that her thighs look huge when she wears leggings as pants. (That bitch cut the bathroom line at a crowded bar, you can't blame me.) On the other hand, having spent my undergrad education in California, I'm forced to admit that I believe that a very few people can pull of leggings as pants (WX, I'm looking at you) and perhaps worse still, I have to say that I think Lindsay Lohan looks alright in them (I know, I know, credibility gone).
BUT most people, myself included, look like they have huge thighs when they wear leggings as pants. And NO ONE--I repeat NO ONE--looks good in light purple leggings with dark purple flowers on them. I defy you to disagree.
And I still hate DC.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Dear Comcast, Bite Me.
The subject of this post is my current gchat status and no less than 5 people have started a conversation either by agreeing or sharing a story of their own. If Comcast does any good in this world it's pseudo-reliably bringing me episodes of Mad Men and Top Chef for an outrageous price and giving friends and strangers a mutual hatred to bond over.
There was a time when I was happily a satellite TV customer, and I admit that I paid more, but the service worked--it was reliable, when I called customer service they were helpful, when they screwed up, they apologized with free stuff (take note airlines, friends and lovers, free stuff calms any irate person.) However, for the past 2 years, I've lived in an historical building, that will not let me have a dish, so Comcast it is.
I've had Comcast on and off for years, both in California and here in DC. In theory, it should be great: one bill for cable, internet and DVR, OnDemand is pretty nifty, order pay-per-view with my remote and have complete control for 24 hours, etc. etc. etc. All of that would be nifty, if the service didn't suck.
In the sorority, we had little rituals that we had learned in an effort to fix the ominous tiled picture that is Comcast sucking. When I moved here, I dealt with such ridiculousness as being transferred back and forth between customer service centers because the phone number that my account is linked to is from California and they have separate customer service from DC. The cell phone people, it's not a fad. Several times repair or installation technicians would show up and call me when I was at work despite that fact that I'd asked them to call either my building management or my roommate to access the apartment. On at least one occasion, they simply left rather than contact the alternate person I'd told them to contact in the first place. Point being, it's always something.
This particular time, I moved. I moved within my apartment complex. Literally around the corner. Contrary to Comcast's claim that it's easy to transfer your service, mmm, not so much. It's more than a little annoying that to do anything with Concast they have to send a technician to your house, which means someone has to be home, but at least I have a management office that can take care of that. They made the obligatory call to me rather than the management office I had told them to contact, but it all worked out in the end and my service was successfully moved to my new apartment. Or so I thought.
A little while later I received a coupon from Comcast that offered customers who relocate digital cable for $39.95/month for 6 months, plus free HD, DVR, Starz and Showtime. I'm no longer on an introductory rate and have no movie channels, so this seemed like a good deal to me...a nice way to say "thanks for keeping our service even though you moved and could have reconsidered your options just as easily as dealt with our retarded customer service and technicians." I called to redeem the offer. Apparently, despite the term "relocate" on the coupon, it's actually only for new customers. What huh?@!?@ The woman instead offered to add telephone service for the exact same price that I'm paying now.
I don't need telephone service. I have a cell phone. Seriously, not a fad. I explained this and the woman seemed confused. "But it's a whole extra service for the same price you're paying. It's essentially free." I understand that, but it's a service I don't need and don't want and that you'll start charging me for without warning when the initial period ends. And god forbid what I would have to go through to cancel a service. After further argumentation the "customer service" rep relented and offered me a free movie channel for 6 months to shut me up. Which would have worked...if I'd received the free movie channel. And really if this next thing hadn't happened.
When I transfer a service, I expect it to, ya know, transfer...along with the rest of the components. I've used Comcast's eBill feature for quite a while. My bills are always on time, I don't have to think about it, and I feel like I undo a little of the harm I do to the environment every time I print useless stuff like the Cal logo in varying sizes to see which looks best hanging on my office door. Today I received a notice that I hadn't paid my bill in months and that my service was going to be shut off and, if it was shut off, there'd be a $20 reconnect fee. Ehhem, shouldn't my auto-bill pay have taken care of that?
One might think, but no. No. When Comcast says "transfer" your service, what they mean is close your account and open and new one and never mention to you that you have to set up your eBill service again. From my perspective, I logged in with my old eBill log in and it just looked like they hadn't updated the account. When I explained to the "customer service" rep that they really should let you know that you have to add your account number to this service, she said (in that customer-is-always-right way that customer service reps are trained on) "yeah, it can be kind of confusing, haha" but with a tone that implied that she really wasn't sure why I was too dumb to figure this out. I'm still waiting on my free movie channel.
The thing about customer service is, the people on the phone can be as nice as can be, but if the system is inherently flawed and the product randomly freezes and goes all tiley in the middle of Gossip Girl for no f'ing reason, I'm still a dissatisfied customer. And it seems that many others are too. You?
There was a time when I was happily a satellite TV customer, and I admit that I paid more, but the service worked--it was reliable, when I called customer service they were helpful, when they screwed up, they apologized with free stuff (take note airlines, friends and lovers, free stuff calms any irate person.) However, for the past 2 years, I've lived in an historical building, that will not let me have a dish, so Comcast it is.
I've had Comcast on and off for years, both in California and here in DC. In theory, it should be great: one bill for cable, internet and DVR, OnDemand is pretty nifty, order pay-per-view with my remote and have complete control for 24 hours, etc. etc. etc. All of that would be nifty, if the service didn't suck.
In the sorority, we had little rituals that we had learned in an effort to fix the ominous tiled picture that is Comcast sucking. When I moved here, I dealt with such ridiculousness as being transferred back and forth between customer service centers because the phone number that my account is linked to is from California and they have separate customer service from DC. The cell phone people, it's not a fad. Several times repair or installation technicians would show up and call me when I was at work despite that fact that I'd asked them to call either my building management or my roommate to access the apartment. On at least one occasion, they simply left rather than contact the alternate person I'd told them to contact in the first place. Point being, it's always something.
This particular time, I moved. I moved within my apartment complex. Literally around the corner. Contrary to Comcast's claim that it's easy to transfer your service, mmm, not so much. It's more than a little annoying that to do anything with Concast they have to send a technician to your house, which means someone has to be home, but at least I have a management office that can take care of that. They made the obligatory call to me rather than the management office I had told them to contact, but it all worked out in the end and my service was successfully moved to my new apartment. Or so I thought.
A little while later I received a coupon from Comcast that offered customers who relocate digital cable for $39.95/month for 6 months, plus free HD, DVR, Starz and Showtime. I'm no longer on an introductory rate and have no movie channels, so this seemed like a good deal to me...a nice way to say "thanks for keeping our service even though you moved and could have reconsidered your options just as easily as dealt with our retarded customer service and technicians." I called to redeem the offer. Apparently, despite the term "relocate" on the coupon, it's actually only for new customers. What huh?@!?@ The woman instead offered to add telephone service for the exact same price that I'm paying now.
I don't need telephone service. I have a cell phone. Seriously, not a fad. I explained this and the woman seemed confused. "But it's a whole extra service for the same price you're paying. It's essentially free." I understand that, but it's a service I don't need and don't want and that you'll start charging me for without warning when the initial period ends. And god forbid what I would have to go through to cancel a service. After further argumentation the "customer service" rep relented and offered me a free movie channel for 6 months to shut me up. Which would have worked...if I'd received the free movie channel. And really if this next thing hadn't happened.
When I transfer a service, I expect it to, ya know, transfer...along with the rest of the components. I've used Comcast's eBill feature for quite a while. My bills are always on time, I don't have to think about it, and I feel like I undo a little of the harm I do to the environment every time I print useless stuff like the Cal logo in varying sizes to see which looks best hanging on my office door. Today I received a notice that I hadn't paid my bill in months and that my service was going to be shut off and, if it was shut off, there'd be a $20 reconnect fee. Ehhem, shouldn't my auto-bill pay have taken care of that?
One might think, but no. No. When Comcast says "transfer" your service, what they mean is close your account and open and new one and never mention to you that you have to set up your eBill service again. From my perspective, I logged in with my old eBill log in and it just looked like they hadn't updated the account. When I explained to the "customer service" rep that they really should let you know that you have to add your account number to this service, she said (in that customer-is-always-right way that customer service reps are trained on) "yeah, it can be kind of confusing, haha" but with a tone that implied that she really wasn't sure why I was too dumb to figure this out. I'm still waiting on my free movie channel.
The thing about customer service is, the people on the phone can be as nice as can be, but if the system is inherently flawed and the product randomly freezes and goes all tiley in the middle of Gossip Girl for no f'ing reason, I'm still a dissatisfied customer. And it seems that many others are too. You?
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