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As is well-documented, Elle and I love the CW schlock – especially the 9-0 reboot and the prematurely canceled Melrose revisited. But, perhaps sadly, it runs deeper for me. I almost have a maternal attachment to the show. I feel invested.

Let me explain. I had such high hopes before the show premiered. I was like a proud new mama that thought her baby could do anything! Be anyone! Go anywhere! And then the terrible twos set in. The show was horrid. Anna Lynn McCord was wooden, Shenae Grimes confused emoting with the look one gets on their face when constipated, and they revealed how poorly the beloved Brenda Walsh had aged. But then there was hope. The show grew into a precocious child, renewing the sense of promise it once had. The story lines were interesting. The acting was better. Sure, it was still a sudsy ridiculous soap, but it was fun!

And now, we appear to have hit the teen years. Those dreaded teen years. The once fanciful implausible plots have become dark, moody, and just plain stupid. For example, on a recent Spring Break trip to Mexico (on a private jet?!), Annie got bit by a monkey, Ivy realized she didn’t need pot to surf (seriously, WTF), and Adriana replaced Silver’s medicine for her bi-polar disorder with Tylenol.

I have watched a lot of soap opera villains do a lot of crazy shit, but I don’t even get to what end one would replace someone’s medication for being manic-depressive. Does she want her to commit suicide? No, that’s too dark. Does she want her to go manic so her boyfriend breaks up with her? Probably, but in what real world situation would someone break up with their bipolar girlfriend (when he knows she is bipolar) for having a manic or depressive episode? I mean, wouldn’t one of her dozens of friends and loved ones who all know about her condition just intervene and suggest she see her doctor to readjust her meds?

There is always hope that the post-teenage years will straighten out this wayward TV show. But, what I guess makes me the most nervous is that perhaps it isn’t the show. Perhaps it’s me. Maybe it is finally time to stop watching shows whose target audiences get the appeal of Justin Bieber. Could it be that it isn't the shows growing pains but my own that I am reacting to?

Nah. It's the show.

Welcome Back, Pretty People With Severe Emotional Problems

Spring has sprung! The snow is melting, the temperatures are consistently above freezing, and CW premiers Gossip Girl, Melrose Place, 90210, and ANTM all in one week. I haven't even had the opportunity to watch all the premiers yet. But, I am excited to pour some wine and finish clearing the DVR.

First, Melrose has rid its self of the odious Asslee Simpson. The only reason she worked on the show is:

1) She bared an eerie resemblance to Laura Leighton (who was supposed to be here mom)
2) Her character was bat-shit insane, which makes her poor acting seem almost passable
3) She got all that surgery and made herself reasonable to look at

While the current Amanda Woodward plot seems a little lame (seriously, Sydney had some painting that was worth a lot of money and Amanda's big scheme is to reclaim it from a dead woman?!), more Heather Locklear has saved that show in the past. All in all, I think the season is promising!

As for 90210, it seems to keep improving. It certainly bares no resemblance to any sort of reality, but at least it pokes fun at itself (like when Anna Lynne McCord spends too much time tanning, and they mock her character for it). I cannot get behind the Rumor Willis thing (it's sad really, the girl got all the worst parts of pre-surgery Demi, and it isn't like there is that much good to take from Bruce) - both her character and her casting. I get they want to be all edgy with a lesbian relationship, but it's a little out of left field and if they wanted to make a character gay, Navid or Silver are much more believable than Adriana. And while Shanae Grimes is still unwatchable, at least they are continuing to torture the character.

The new judge on ANTM seems ridic, and we meet Serena's father on GG (and he's a Baldwin - literally, not the way Cher Horowitz meant it in Clueless).

It's going to be a good Spring for my TiVo! What are you most looking forward to?

There, there Ashlee...

C'mon over, we'll split a bottle of champagne, and Tami and I will admire your nose job. (Seriously, that schnoz is a thing of beauty.)

For those that missed the news (and apologies, Tami and I have been under a rock, so we didn't deliver it), Ms. Simpson-Wentz was cut from New Melrose Place, as was Colin Egglesfield (Auggie).

Now, my fellow bitch and I are split on New 90210, but we both agree that New Melrose Place is delicious. It's properly scandalous, the characters are kind of great, Katie Cassidy--despite sometimes being styled ridiculously--is awesome, and it pays great homage to the original without, as Tami pointed out, relegating the new folks to supporting characters the way New 90210 misstepped in the beginning. It's just really good bad TV.

That said, Ashlee Simpson-Wentz pretty much sucks ass. She's just a real bad actress. I think Tyra Banks was her acting instructor, because she spends most of her time on that show "smizing" and overall it reads as crazy eyes. And her character is also genuinely off-putting, which isn't at all her fault, but is still just unfortunate for her. BUT she plays Sydney Andrews daughter, and there's not a person on this planet who looks more like the spawn of Laura Leighton. And it's not like the actors and actresses on the original 90210 or Melrose Place were gifted thespians. These shows can carry a few bad actors.

So is it a smart move on the part of the show? I'm just not sure. I guess it really depends on how they wrap up the Sydney Andrews murder drama. But I will says that on multiple occasions I've recommended to a friend that she watch New Melrose Place, and she's responded that she would, but Ashlee Simpson-Wentz is on it, so how good can it be? If the chick is dragging down ratings, I support the show's producers, because letting this thing get canceled would be a travesty for humanity. I'm only half kidding.

As for Colin Egglesfield, I didn't know his name until this story broke, but I'm in serious anguish. He was, without question, the hottest thing on that show. I love the dark, broody, motor-cycle riding type. He was going to replace the Dylan McKay crush I've held onto for way too long.

Fall TV Season - It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Ah, yes! The fall television season. There is always so much promise - and my two Tivos (yes, you read that right, my two Tivos) are all aflutter with anticipation. So far, it has not disappointed.

Now, to be fair, not that much has gotten started yet. But, the incredibly stylish and addictive Mad Men has been superb, and my guilty pleasures are back with a vengeance.

Now, I know Elle already talked a bit about 90210, Melrose, and ANTM, but I have a few things to add to her "Part 1" posting.

First, I must disagree with her assessment of the new 9-0. Now, don't get me wrong, the first season went off the rails hard core. It was trying to lure in viewers of the original with Kelly, Donna and Brenda nostalgia, but that really only served to make the adults more interesting than the so-called main characters. Plus, AnnaLynn McCord appeared to be unable to act her way out of a box. Don't ask what that actually means. I am trying to creatively say she was wooden and horrible. But, much like the shiteous addictive quality of the final seasons of the original, I could not stop watching the remake. It was like a hideous trainwreck - like Tori Spellings botched boob job - it was confusing, horrifying, and I simply could not look away.

This season though - this season has a different quality. First of all, I swear ALMcC appears to have taken acting lessons. Plus, the writing has improved. It also has that wonderfully soapy quality of ridiculous plot lines peppered with bitchy dialogue. I think the show actually has promise. Plus, the actresses are so ridiculously skinny that I don't feel bad about myself. I just want to strap them to a chair and force feed them McDonalds because they look about 3 seconds away from passing out.

Next, ANTM. I fully agree with Elle here. I also find it hilarious that Tyra cast short girls. You know she only did that because she felt the regular wannabe models (who, incidentally are lucky to get a gig with Wal-Mart after the show ends) weren't nearly appreciative enough of the opportunity. Literally every girl this season has expressed undying gratitude to the Tyra(nt), because "no one else would give us this shot. What she's doing is amazing." You get the idea.

Finally, the Melrose reboot. I am really proud that this time around they realized that not everyone in LA is white. There is actually some diversity in the cast. And yes, the plotlines are still totally over-the-top and delicious. Girl decides to prostitute herself to pay for med school? PRICELESS. Not even Passions could have come up with that shit.

I am also looking forward to the new season of Gossip Girl, the premier of The Beautiful Life: TBL (BTW - how stupid is that acronym in the title?), How I Met Your Mother, Big Bang Theory, and a myriad of new shows that look promising as well old favorites I simply cannot quit.

Oh Television, How I Missed You

Like an addict in detox all summer, I love the week after Labor Day. In fact, I was so desperate for my fix that I happily watched Modern 90210 last night which, as an obsessive fan of the original, I happen to think pretty much blows.

Actually, taking this addiction metaphor one step farther (largely because I've just started watching The Wire on DVD), it's not like I gave up TV during the summer shit season, the quality of my TV stash was just, well, stepped on. God help me, I actually watched the TV series version of 10 Things I Hate About You. Oh September, you bringer of high quality, mind rotting product, you.

No doubt this will be a multi-part homage to the return of television season (from both myself and Tami), but I'll kick us off...

Modern 90210

You still suck and bother me. Also I have no idea what's going on. But, whenever Silver decided to cut her hair and Adriana decided to grow it long, well, good choice.

I could spend my time wondering when the hell Silver got to hang out with the cool kids...and when she slept with Ethan?! But instead, I'll just focus on how much hotter Brenda and Dylan were than any of the anorexic youngsters on the modern incarnation. (By the way, is any of the original cast still on the show? I didn't see any, but I guess school is still out or whatever.)

Modern Melrose Place

Given the theme of this blog, you may have thought I was counting down to the premier of Modern Melrose Place. I was not. Modern 90210 was such a disappointment--so poorly acted, so obnoxiously squeaky clean (at least they were true to the original there)--that I had just given up hope that new MP would be any good.

I was wrong. Where the original MP started out with the good kid, life lesson format fitting a 90210 spin off and then quickly devolved into drastic character changes and drama, the new MP starts off naughty...and I like it. I was skeptical when they killed Sydney in the first scene--afterall, everyone's tried to kill Sydney from pimps to her husband-at-the-time. (I'd have said "spoiler alert," but seriously, it's the first scene.)

I will also say, I can't help with shows like M.90210 and M.MP but to watch the first couple episodes and try to fit the new folks into the archetypes of the old show. I thought Katie Cassidy was the new Amanda Woodward, and she may well still be, but I was surprised and delighted to find that she was the twist on the gay character. Rockin.

It could still go wrong--and I'd had a cocktail or two upon watching (don't judge)--but so far I think New MP is all right.

America's Next Top Model

Oh. God. Tyra. Why?

First and foremost, I wonder every season if professing Tyra worship is a prerequisite to getting on the show. Like if Naomi Campbell assumed a pseudonym and went to casting but said at every opportunity what a moronic, desperate narcissist Tyra is, would they cut her ass? Pretty sure. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's why Elyse way back in "cycle" 1.

Now, more pressingly, short chicks aren't models. Yeah yeah, changing the standard of beauty, yadda yadda Tyra has low self esteem, blah blah blah. When it was plus-sized models, that was one thing--there's a category in the industry for them...and a category that could become more popular. This isn't an issue of discrimination, we're not breaking racial barriers here or anything to that effect. I'm 5'3" (yes, 1/4 inch shorter than the shortest chick they have on the show.) I learned long ago that designers don't make clothes for me. I'm over it.

And you know what makes me more over it? When every comment about the photos is whether or not the girl looks long enough. It's not changing the standard of beauty when what you're trying to do is take short girls and photograph them so that they look tall. It's like saying you don't discriminate against black models and then asking them to wear make-up/hair/clothes that make them look white (which, of course, is a controversy in the industry as well.)

Last and never least, god do I love the crazy Christian archetype on cycle after cycle of ANTM. This particular season's may well have been the f'ing craziest. She was weirdly loud and screamed "Thank you, Jesus! We're going to save the world!" when she was selected as a finalist. You can't beat that kind of crazy, and I'm terminally depressed that she decided not to continue on "for personal reasons." I wanted to see that crazy bitch do a nude shoot.

Top Chef
Padma, did you get hotter?!

McSteamy Threesome

I haven't gotten to watch this video yet, because I'm at work. But, from what I understand, it contains Gray's Anatomy's McSteamy, his wife Rebecca Gayheart, some random model type and lots of drugs and sex. So, assuming no one files an injunction before I get home from work, I have a fun evening planned. What more could a person want in one 12 minute video?

[UPDATE: God, was that boring. And there is no sex, just pretty naked people saying dumb stuff, which kind of ruins it for me. I think Fleshbot gave the best commentary: "Will we ever get to a point where we can just admit that this is normal? That it's not shocking to learn that a celebrity made a sex tape...because we've all made a sex tape?"]

Anyways, I'm sure every guy who sees this will react with "Sweet, two chicks!" And every girl will be like "Sweet, Eric Dane!" Am I the only person out there who's thinking "Awwww, Dylan's wife [momentarily mournful face that passes when I realize that I'm watching pretty people having sex.]"