You Know You Want One

Thanks, Joel McHale: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IrlhLF1c3k&feature=related

Keep Honking, It'll Help. Really.

So as I was crossing Washington Circle to get to the Metro today (for those non-DC folks, there are a number of traffic circles in DC with stop lights that mostly exist to facilitate pedestrian crossing. However, those lights give pedestrians like 20 seconds of less to cross and take forever to change), a DC sightseeing bus ran the red light. The guy held up his hand as if to say, "wait your turn", but IT WAS MY TURN. After he finally was through and I resumed crossing, a woman in a van almost hit me and several other pedestrians. We all held up our hands as if to say, "Lady, what the f***?!" and she held hers up. SHE HAD A VERY RED LIGHT! And she looked at us like we were doing something wrong.

But, that story actually was not the point of my post. The point is, as I was waiting to cross like 7 people were honking at the stopped traffic. Typically, if traffic is stopped, it will not be solved by honking. And, even if it could be, do multiple people honking solve the problem that many times faster?! Let me answer my own question. No, just NO!

So, do the world a favor. Use the horn for its intended purpose: as a warning of your presence or an impending collision. Not as an extension of your anger management issues.

Top 5 Greatest Movies of All Time (or at least my childhood)

My father collects things: books, gadgets, and movies (in whatever format is cutting-edge at the time). However, for some insane reason, he finds cable to be a waste of money. So, we had tons of VHS and 7 channels. For no particular reason - or perhaps to eulogize John Hughes - here are my top 5 favorite movies growing up.

5) Crocodile Dundee - What ever happened to Paul Hogan - or that chick? Apparently nothing. Anyway, it was a wonderfully silly movie that gave us such dialogue gems as "you call that a knife?!"

4) Ghostbusters - I admit, this is probably on the list because I am currently watching it on AMC. But, that doesn't change the fact that it is a great film. I mean, Rick Moranis' performance alone makes this one of the best campy romps of the 80s (and there were more than a few campy romps in the decade that spawned acid wash and the hair crimper). Even a horrible sequel can't diminish the greatness that is Ghostbusters.

3) Christmas Vacation - While all the vacation movies kick ass, this is far and away my favorite. I mean, a man in an RV who owns a dog named "Snots" kidnaps a rich CEO and they all end up singing Christmas carols and drinking eggnog. Plus, we see Juliette Lewis before she turned into this.

2) Breakfast Club - The birth of the brat pack. Enough said.

1) 16 Candles - I admit it, I watched this video so many times that the beginning was actually all screwed up because the tape got distorted. This movie made me excited to go to high school, where I could be Jake Ryan's Samantha. There are so many wonderful scenes and lines...I don't know where to start. But the best thing about this movie is that as much as I loved it as a kid, when I watched it as a teenager, I finally understood the jokes - and they were even funnier.

John Hughes was a genius (and yes, I realize that I left of Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Uncle Buck and two of the movies on this list have no affiliation with Hughes) and a hero of mine. I wish I could have met him - and asked him for Michael Schoeffling's phone number.

Is Real World Even Trying to Be Real Anymore?

Short answer: I don't think so.

I am one to argue that MTV's Real World lost touch with reality long ago. In fact, I wrote my honors thesis on this topic (and I went to Berkeley, so stifle the snide comments about my honors thesis from community college). It was very academic - and only half my research involved watching television.

See, I believe the show began as the social experiment it has always purported to be. They used to just observe normal looking people and their interactions. Now, they send wannabe actors and models - who look like they are straight out of central casting - to party capitals all over the world, give them ridiculous jobs they are completely unqualified for and figure out how to ply them with liquor without actually pouring the drinks down their throat.

But now, they are letting a cast member stay who was kicked out of the hotel where they reside in Cancun stay on the show. Isn't the whole f***ing point of the show that they live together?!

I wish I could quit this horrible, brain-atrophying show. But I can't. And now, they are taping in DC, and all I can think is how badly I want to see the cast out and about getting drunk live and in person. I may need help, but that doesn't change the fact that Real World needs a reality check.

Is Sarah Silverman Funny?

I recently acquired Showtime (and it very well may have been the happiest day of my life), and I have taken full advantage of the fact that all the movies that HBO/Starz didn't pay for end up there. I was excited to record Sarah Silverman's Jesus is Magic. I had heard mixed things about it, and I was curious.

Now, I saw (and LOVED) The Aristocrats. Sarah Silverman's bit was pretty amusing (though nothing was better in that film than Carrie Fisher. When she talked about how her mom - who is Debbie Reynolds - was the queen of golden showers, and Singin' in the Rain started out as a completely different movie, I nearly peed. But, I digress), and of course, we all loved her f***ing Matt Damon. But, then there was her Comedy Central show that was sort of meh, and I was still undecided.

After watching Jesus is Magic, I am thinking she might not really be that funny. She definitely has her moments. But, I don't think her material is actually good. I think it's her delivery. Case and point, at the end of the show, this other girl is on stage saying the very same shit Silverman did earlier in the program. It's horrible! I think people like Silverman because she is irreverent, crass, and "edgy" but it comes in this innocuous looking package. She is so deadpan and sincere it is chilling - especially when she makes the Holocaust jokes.

I wonder if she has a Sasha Baron Cohen thing going on. Where she says such horrible, racist, ridiculous stuff to expose other people's prejudices? Or, is she secretly kinda racist and hides behind the fact she is a comic? I also wonder, if she weren't so cute (well, for a female comic - most of the other successful female comics look like Rosie O'Donnell - Silverman has some really unfortunate angles where you see clear up her nose) would anyone know (or care) who she is, and would Matt Damon have made that video with her?

Oh, and if she insists on staying famous, could someone get her a stylist?

America's Obsession with Cat Photos

I admit it, I check out the lol cats with a fair amount of frequency. I am not sure what it is, but those random photos with pidgin English captions are addictive. However, nothing is more amusing than the idea that someone looked at their cat one day and thought, "Is my cat the reincarnation of the fuhrer?"

Although, to be fair, if I adopted this, I might have the same thought.

Awesome Link

So whenever I go home, my mom insists on getting pictures. There are tons of shots of the family in the airport saying goodbye to grandpa (in the days where you could accompany someone to the gate, that is), a million shots in front of the house, and far too many at restaurants. I pray that none of said photos ever appear here.

Facebook Archetypes

CNN, in all of their reputable newsiness, have put together a list of the 12 most annoying Facebookers. They left off everyone with an STFU site already dedicated to them, but they did capture my personal pet peeve: "The Sympathy Baiters."

Since we're on the subject, I'll point you to an oldie-but-goodie post from the blog of our inspiration, 2 Birds, 1 Blog: 20 Male Poses of Facebook.

Exercise Alone Won't Make Us Thin

According to Time, exercise won't make us thin. If you read the article, it makes sense. Essentially, the point the author is trying to make is that most people eat more after exercising or do less other activity - we compensate. I know I have definitely felt as though I earned a treat after an especially difficult session at the gym. But, let's be realistic. If I weren't going to the gym, would I turn down that second beer or that order of fries? Unlikely. In fact, regular exercise makes me crave healthier snacks and better foods.

The real problem with this article is the coverage of it by other media. It's all about the headline, and currently there are hundreds of headlines telling people exercise is worthless. The nuances of the reporting are lost, and people are left to think they don't need to exercise if they are overweight - it won't help anyway. What Time should be telling people - in the headline and all - is that exercise ALONE won't make us thin.

McSteamy Threesome

I haven't gotten to watch this video yet, because I'm at work. But, from what I understand, it contains Gray's Anatomy's McSteamy, his wife Rebecca Gayheart, some random model type and lots of drugs and sex. So, assuming no one files an injunction before I get home from work, I have a fun evening planned. What more could a person want in one 12 minute video?

[UPDATE: God, was that boring. And there is no sex, just pretty naked people saying dumb stuff, which kind of ruins it for me. I think Fleshbot gave the best commentary: "Will we ever get to a point where we can just admit that this is normal? That it's not shocking to learn that a celebrity made a sex tape...because we've all made a sex tape?"]

Anyways, I'm sure every guy who sees this will react with "Sweet, two chicks!" And every girl will be like "Sweet, Eric Dane!" Am I the only person out there who's thinking "Awwww, Dylan's wife [momentarily mournful face that passes when I realize that I'm watching pretty people having sex.]"

Fire Allison Parker

August tends to be incredibly slow in DC. Congress goes into recess and all of us whose jobs vaguely revolve around Congress end up twiddling our thumbs and counting down to Restaurant Week. I personally have been watching a lot of Melrose Place on my computer. ( I already watched all of the West Wing [several times], Ally McBeal, Studio 60, and my usuals. Seriously, I love Surf the Channel.)

So, as the older, wiser, job-having version of myself, one thing occurs to me watching Melrose Place (seasons 1 and 2): Allison Parker totally sucks at her job. She misses deadlines, she disappears, she comes in late, she mouths off to her boss, she spaces out at work due to all of the Aaron Spelling trademark drama in her life--she would absolutely get fired. She definitely wouldn't get promoted. Amanda may be a bitch, but she does her work, and she does it well, backstabbing and all.

I hate watching television with the eyes of an adult. Monday I caught myself ranting to no one at all how age-inappropriate all of the Gossip Girl characters are. Growing up is hard to do...

Don't Call It "San Fran"

I've been sick. I happen to believe that ethnic food is the cure to illness--Thai, Indian, matzoball soup. I'm the only person you know who gains weight when they're sick. So, having been sick, I went to get a bowl of pho for lunch yesterday.

The pho was great. The table next to me very nearly made me sicker. Their conversation started with surprise that there was so much soup on the menu. "I guess if you lived in Vietnam, you'd eat a lot of soup. Weird because it's so hot there." Insightful, thank you. They continued by musing about how surprisingly filling the soup is. If one is going to be so very surprised by Vietnamese food, how did one come to wander into a restaurant called Nam Viet? What could they have been expecting? (The restaurant's great, by the way. If you don't suck, you should try it. If you do suck, stay away so that you don't bother me.)

All of this I might have excused, but apparently the chick is looking for a job. After some discussion, the dude queries, "Are you still looking for jobs in San Fran." It was all I could do not to throw my surprising soup all over this incredible poser and scream at him "Don't call it San Fran!" And I hope that chick never gets a job in SF simply by virtue of being friends with this tool and not correcting him when he uttered "San Fran."

No doubt those that invoke this annoying little nickname believe that they sound familiar with the city--like a local. Here's a little tip: no one in the Bay Area calls it that and saying it makes you sound like a tool. We also don't eat Rice-a-Roni. No doubt this has thrown many's perception of the world into upheaval. There, there.

Just to Prove We're Not Feminists...

OK, I actually consider myself a feminist (and don't totally understand why the term gets such a bad rep, but that's a topic for another post...in which I explain that I'm a post-third wave sex-positive feminist and scare off everyone who reads this blog. Except maybe not because I said sex. Anyways.) But I thought this bit from Maxim (thx MD) was pretty funny...and I've often observed it to be true...on other people...not on me of course.

Actually, if I do a thorough self-analysis (in 2 minutes time), I find that I argue "like a man" with my girlfriends who argue "like chicks." (Don't get too ready to masturbate gents, it almost never ends with sex.) And I think I argue "like a man" on the rare occasion that boyfriend and I disagree, and he too is lovely and rational and argues "like a man." (This may be wishful thinking on my part...after all, who wants to admit that they fight like the irrational crazy one in a relationship? But I think we do pretty well.) I do have to admit though, in the past, I have argued like a chick. It was generally in bad relationships when the guy argued that way too. Both of us crying and screaming irrationally? Ugh, not pretty.

How do you argue?

STFU Follow Up

Hot on the heels of STFU, Marrieds, another site I'm likely to submit people from high school to: STFU, Believers.

While I grant that these people are equally (if not more) annoying, at least they intend to proselytize. (I just don't understand what the Marrieds' point is. Yes, we all see that you in a relationship. And that it makes you happy. And it's even more awkward when you want us to see that it makes you unhappy.) Nonetheless, I agree that Facebook statuses are a super annoying place to be preachy. And in case any of you Bible loving, status updating folk happen to be reading this here blog with its profanity and whatnot, may I just tell you, as an atheist, that you're convincing no one. Just shut the fuck up.

Dear Fellow Shopaholics, Help!

As some of your know, I recently moved and, in conjunction, redecorated. Most of it's done, there's still a good bit to go, but most of all my bathroom is a wreck. I need new everything, and I'm currently showering with a clear shower curtain liner, plastic shower curtain hooks (quell tragedy) and a clashing bath mat. It's a rough life.

Fortunately, I've had my eye on the perfect shower curtain--black and white, French vocabulary. For those that don't know me well, black and white is often part of my decorating scheme, usually with some sort of high contrast color (in this apartment, it's a bright blue) and I took a mere year of French in high school (you should hear me do my impression of my teacher from Mobile, AL's attempt at a French accent) that I still pretend I can speak. This shower curtain is me and I simply must have it.

The problem: it's sold out every where. It's been "temporarily" out of stock at Target for months now. It's out of stock at Overstock.com, which just seems contrary to the point. No one's selling it on eBay (though I can buy 17 of some chick's eyelashes.) So, shopaholic readers, find me somewhere I can buy this shower curtain, and be rewarded handsomely...how, well, I'm just not sure yet. Good karma? Blog shout out? Anything I can have shipped from Dean and Deluca? Find the shower curtain and name your price...we'll negotiate.

I'm Sorry, What Year Is It?

I am not a feminist, but I have mixed feelings about changing my name when I get married. This makes me throw up a little, in my mouth:

http://www.feministing.com/archives/017214.html

We Don't Blog About Work...

Because we like the idea of keeping our jobs. But when others blog about work, particularly in animated fashion, I think it's safe to link you. And to comment that it's funny, because it's true.

When Friends Break Up

Obviously, as we grow up and move on in life, we inevitably drift apart from friends. That is not what this post is about. This is about those friends that are so passive aggressive and immature that they actually break up with you.

When I was a junior in college, I was friends with a girl named Rene (changed to protect her privacy - but know the sound of the name is similar). We hung out a ton during the first I would say semester and a half of my junior (her sophomore) year. Towards the end of the year, we started hanging out less. Now, this was partially my fault. I was getting more serious with my then boyfriend now fiance, and I had recently turned 21. I was all about watching TV with him or hitting up the bars. When she and I hung out we would do 1 of 2 things:

1) Take long walks all through Berkeley
2) "Pretend we weren't in college" (i.e. go to dinner/lunch/brunch at expensive restaurants)

She was not into staying in to watch television or trying to hang out at the bars (and she was not 21). So, we spent less time together. But, I knew she was taking this dance class and would have a recital towards the end of the year. I called her a couple times to find out when and where the recital was - she never called back. Finally, I sent her an email and received this as a response (not verbatim, but roughly what I remember):

Hi Tami,

As far as I am concerned, we aren't really friends anymore and haven't been for some time. If you would like to talk about this, give me a call.

Rene

The first line is more or less verbatim - the other part is fuzzy. Well, I did try to meet up with her to discuss this - I found it absurd. After a few failed attempts to connect, I received a letter with no return address. I have forgotten most of the contents except the sentiment: "I cannot deal with your boyfriend situation." Now, for all the losers I dated, my fiance is a stand up guy. My friends from all walks of life really like him (including my co-bitch blogger Elle). Well, Rene and I have not spoken to this day - and she isn't even a Facebook friend.

Recently, a good friend of mine had some difficulty with a friend of hers. They were so close in fact that they were married to one another on Facebook. While there was no official termination of the friendship email or letter, my friend's "wife" divorced her on Facebook - without a word to her. My friend joked that others told her she was married to no one, and that is how she found out.

In our 20s, aren't we old enough to sort these things out? Do we really need to dump our friends? Yes, people change. Yes, people grow apart. But, if you love someone enough to let the entire world of Facebook know that you're married, isn't it worth trying to make it work? Or, isn't the other person at least due the respect of some kind of divorce paper?

Have any stories about getting dumped by a friend? Feel like naming names? Comment!

Vacation Chronicles - Part 1

So I recently returned from a vacation I have been looking forward to for months. My fiance just finished taking the California Bar and as a reward, we went to St. Maarten (rewarding him for taking the exam and rewarding me for dealing with him while he prepared to take it).

The trip down was stressful. I had a 6:00 am flight out of Dulles to JFK where I would meet my fiance for our connecting flight to St. Maarten. When I left my apartment at 3:45 am to make the harrowing drive to the airport (I have only recently mastered the stick shift) it started pouring. I was totally soaked for the entire drive. When I finally got to the terminal, I tried to check in at the kiosk, and it wouldn't let me. So, I got in the glacially slow line. It was taking the Jet Blue attendants at least 5 minutes per customer. I finally got checked in and through security by just after 5:30. I am a nervous traveler. I typically show up to the airport 90 minutes to two hours early. I was stressed out by the morning's ordeal and was ready to relax at our beach resort.

We finally arrive at the Flamingo Hotel in Simpson Bay on the Dutch Side of St. Maarten (I give all the details to ensure anyone reading this not only never stays there but warns others to do the same), just before 4 pm. Our room wasn't ready, so we went to the restaurant to get some food. When I went back at 5 (check in is supposed to be at 4), the front desk woman called housekeeping to see if our room was ready. No one answered. She gave me the keys and said I should come back if there was a problem. There was a problem. The door was wide open, the floor needed to be swept and the bed was unmade.

We went downstairs to get another room and not only was the front desk clerk unapologetic, HE WAS RUDE! It was as if we inconvenienced him by asking him to do his job. Two days into our stay, maintenance knocked on our door (despite the do not disturb sign on the door) asking if they could have access to our room all day to paint our balcony. When we asked why it couldn't wait until check out, they said because others would be checking in.

A) Check out is at 10 am and check in is at 4 pm, so there is ample time where no one is occupying the room
B) What the F*** do I care about the next guest?! I am concerned about me and the money I spent on my hotel.

The final insult was when we asked the front desk to make a dinner reservation for us at a restaurant on the French side of the island. Now, you may be wondering why we even bothered to ask. Well, our helpful book in our room said that if we wanted dinner reservations we should ask the front desk to assist. We requested 7:00 pm reservations at a restaurant that was about 20-30 minutes away. We left the hotel around 6:00 pm and had heard nothing from the front desk. When we arrived at the restaurant, it was CLOSED FOR THE SEASON! Upon return to our room (we found another restaurant for dinner), there was a message from the front desk at 6:47 pm. They didn't call until like 15 minutes before we requested the reservation. Ridiculous!

Anyway, the lesson is the Flamingo Hotel sucks. Don't stay there.

Some PR Chick is Very Happy

This post on Daily Candy San Francisco has me ready to run out and buy a case of this ice cream--no break up required. Booze-infused ice cream? I'm there!

(Thx AI)

Amen!

STFU, Marrieds chronicles the disgusting coupledom that breeds on Facebook--people see other people being disgusting and coupley and married on Facebook and suddenly everyone thinks it's OK. Or worse that it says something negative about your relationship if you and your significant other aren't disgusting and coupley all over the public place. As someone in a relationship that feels no compulsion to list it on my Facebook profile, I'm letting you in on a little secret: It's gross and annoying. And I'm glad STFU, Marrieds is on my side and publicly shaming the over-romantic among us.

Oh, and people from high school, if you end up on the site, I submitted you. God love the south...

(Thx MD)