Thursday, January 6, 2011

Another Brilliant Tumblr

I was once a cat owner. I lost her in my "divorce." (And I gave her my super rad cat name that I'd been saving until I was an adult and had a pet and my mother couldn't be like "that's so mean, why don't you name her after a season or something." Actually, my mother did say that, but I named the cat Trouble anyway, because they're mischievous and there's nothing you can do about it. And now my ex-wife has my awesome pet name for all eternity and I write little plays in my diary about a weird cat custody scenario where I'm the total dad in the situation and I'm like "Look, it's not that I don't love you, it's that your mother's an unhinged bitch, and noooow she's asking me to pay child support, can you believe that? Oh, sport, you know I'd love to have you come stay with me, but I'm in the one bedroom now, ya know, and work's keeping me really late. As soon as I get a bigger place and another promotion, I promise." Ok, I don't have a diary, but I just made that up for you all right here and now.)

Tami continues to be a cat owner because her marriage is more stable than mine was (because no one in the scenario is batshit insane), so I am now a cat aunt. Anyways, anyone who has ever had a cat and a sexual relationship at the same time knows to shut the door or suffer the fate documented on Cats Watching You Have Sex, which I am honoring as the 2B1B Tumblr blog of the week (a semi-recurring award).

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

If You Aren't Watching Pretty Little Liars, It Is Time to Start

It’s no secret that I love me some stupid TV. I like to think of it as brain candy or the antidote to a stressful day. Thankfully, one of my (and Elle’s) favorite guilty pleasures is back: Pretty Little Liars.

For the uninitiated, PLL is the story of five best friends, one of whom disappears and is found dead a year later. The actors playing the title little liars are largely nobodies (with the sort of exception of Lucy Kate Hale, who has had a failed show every televisions season up until now. I was starting to think she was cursed considering both Privileged and the Bionic Woman reboot failed with her in a starring role), but two of the moms are played by Laura “Sydney Andrews Mancini” Leighton and Holly Marie Combs of Charmed fame. Anyway, the liars are tormented by a mysterious person named “A” who knows all their secrets – and tells them. “A” also seems to know who killed the 5th friend, and the other four can’t resist trying to find out who both “A” and the killer are. But doing so puts them in a compromising situation – especially considering they all seem to make pretty horrific personal choices.

Now that you have a brief background, allow me to give you a list of reasons to watch:

  • The title doesn’t lie – the show is full of pretty people
  • If you miss Melrose as much as Elle and I do, this is your replacement for campy, totally off-the-wall story lines (e.g. Laura Leighton’s character actually sleeps with a police officer to keep her daughter out of trouble and steals from the bank where she works to keep her and her daughter in designer goods)
  • It’s on ABC Family, so it repeats like 1000 times per week, making it easy to stay up-to-date without DVR conflicts
  • It’s way less infuriating than Gossip Girl
  • Because Elle and I say so!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

In Defense of Angelina

So how many years (and how many children) later are we still hearing about Jennifer Aniston vs. Angelina Jolie?! Enough already!

I am going to say that I think Brad Pitt is a better fit with Angelina Jolie – and I am also going to assert that I don’t think Jennifer Aniston is the super cool, amazingly chill chick everyone makes her out to be. I bet (and have heard) that she is a HUGE bitch.

Quite honestly, I don’t get what the whole love affair with Jen is about. She always plays that same girl next door with an edge (and yes, I saw the Good Girl and Friends with Money – I wasn’t impressed). I think women like her because her beauty is more or less average – and very approachable. I am not saying she is ugly, but I mean, think about it. If you are Courtney Cox, how hot do you feel next to Jennifer Aniston?

I sort of think it’s easy to hop on the “let’s hate Angelina” bandwagon. The woman is beautiful – very striking – and her figure is (well, was – now she is a bit too thin) out of control amazing. I know she doesn’t appeal to everyone, but there is no denying that the woman oozes sexuality. Plus, she is incredibly talented. Love her or hate her, I really feel like she transforms on screen and inhabits a character in a way very few actors can – especially actors who are so infamous for their personal lives. I am sure she’s cold and bitchy – one of those people who only warms up after you get to know her, but she doesn’t profess to be approachable and super cool (unlike her nemesis).

She’s also incredibly generous with her money, her time, and her fame. She draws attention to the issues of poverty, starvation and genocide in the third world – and even picks up a kid or two while she is there.

I am not saying you should join “Team Angelina” but at the very least can we all stop caring that she may or may not be the reason Jennifer Aniston’s marriage to Brad Pitt ended? And it certainly isn’t Angelina’s fault that Jen hasn’t been able to maintain a relationship since.

Seriously, think about it – maybe the problem isn’t and wasn’t Angelina. Maybe the problem has been Jen all along – she’s just more likeable so no one wants to believe it.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Dear Miley Cyrus…

It’s true that in the porn industry, XXX stands for adult. But, in the real world, they are not synonymous.

I really don’t understand all these former Disney princesses who seem to think that the only way they can demonstrate they’ve matured is to whore it up big time. Look at Miley’s predecessors:

Britney Spears – former Mouseketeer, huge recording artist basically before she could drive, and then massive train wreck by the time she could legally drink. She kept giving interviews where she expressed that she wanted people to stop seeing her as a little girl and take her seriously as a mature artist. So what did she do? She dressed more and more provocatively. Her lyrics became even more sexual, and she got married on a bender in Vegas. Next thing you know, she’s shaving her head and having control of her finances taken away.

And then there’s Lindsay Lohan. Remember how cute she was in the Parent Trap? Or how innocent she seemed in Mean Girls? But she wanted to be taken seriously as an actress, so she stopped wearing panties and made that horrible movie where she plays twins separated at birth and one is a stripper or something. Now she’s been to rehab more times than Danny Bonaduce, and has been replaced by Malin Ackerman in that movie about the porn star in the 70s.

If you want to be taken seriously as an adult, make adult choices. Look at Taylor Swift! She’s quietly turned 21, without showing the world her lady parts or having the paparazzi photograph her stumbling out of some night club.

Perhaps the problem is just a lack of talent. I cannot imagine that it is that hard to play Hannah Montana – despite the fact it’s technically two characters. You just need to be able to deliver a pun and a pratfall, right? I would think the hardest part would be interacting with Billy Ray Cyrus as your dad – but wait, Billy Ray is her dad! I guess that’s what you do in Hollywood to make up for a lack of talent – you act scandalously and dress scantily. I mean, it’s working for Megan Fox.