Things I Do Not Understand

I consider myself a keen observer of the human condition. I think I read people well, and I love to play armchair psychiatrist. However, there are certain behaviors that mystify me. These are just a few of them.

1) People who invite all of their Facebook to events - even their friends who live nowhere in the area.

2) People who reply to all on office-wide emails to say something personal to the sender.

3) People who ask you where you are registered for your wedding, only to buy you random crap that you can't return because it comes from some artisan store in a city where you don't live.

4) People who friend people they've never met on Facebook (FB might be a bit of a recurring theme). Is Facebook looking to make the word "friend" lose all meaning - assuming it hasn't already?

5) Anything anyone does on Metro. Seriously, that could be its own post. But, just a couple:
A) People who sit in the outside seat at rush hour on a crowded train, leaving the seat next to them empty, and then shoot you a death stare when you ask to sit down in the last available seat.
B) People who will stand in the doorway of an EMPTY train! There are empty seats, lots of standing room and they stand right in the way of people trying to enter or exit the train.
C) Tourists who ride during commute hours.

It's as though some people lie awake at night trying to figure out how to annoy other people. If they were looking to annoy me, they succeeded.

X.O.X.Oh, I so don't care anymore.

This season on Gossip Girl, I was bored. It's a classic teen drama mistake - they took them out of high school and tried to put them in the adult world. Here's the thing - high school melodrama is more compelling and believable (even when it's totally unbelievable) than when the characters strike out into the real world only to face instant success and bizarre complications.

Case and point: Serena's affair with the newly elected Congressman Tripp VanDerBilt (who, incidentally, looks about 16). She doesn't suspect anything when she gets a job she is totally unqualified for - but I guess they never do in TV Land - and then she thinks she and her boss can remain professional?! Please. Life doesn't work that way, and I don't care how pretty you are.

Don't even get me started on the snooze-worthy relationship between Dan and Vanessa; the utter ridiculousness of a 19 year old running a multi-million/billion dollar company; or Jenny the drug dealer. It's all just lame and boring. CW, it's time to euthanize this drama before it goes the way of the original 9-0: from a youthful, fun romp to an old, incontinent curmudgeon of a program. It's telling you to get off its lawn. Listen!

Spring has Sprung!

No, I'm not just talking about the drastically improved weather. It's March Madness, which Cal is in for the first time in, like, forever. And yet, that's still not what's really important. What's really important is that Fug Madness is happening over at Go Fug Yourself. Vote early, vote often.

If It's Wrong to Love a Shoe, I Don't Want to be Right

Edited: Apparently Elle told some of you that I bought hooker shoes. This is not the case.

I love shoes. My closet documents this love affair pretty well. But, until recently, my pain threshold pretty much topped out with Stuart Weitzman or Kate Spade (and almost exclusively when they were on sale). Then my wedding got really close. And suddenly, I needed new shoes for the wedding. And, of course, a purchase for the wedding is so easy to rationalize. It's a special day - I should just go for it, right?

Well, I did. And now, I am the proud owner of a pair of Christian Louboutins. I can't stop looking at the beautiful, blood red sole and thinking about how that they are all mine. Seriously, I want to sleep in them.

It may be shallow to be so excited about this status symbol. But if you think I am shallow, you are probably just jealous :)

I am just worried about when they get lonely, and I have to buy them a sibling pair...

Threat Levels: Defined

Those readers out there who are privileged enough to also be on my gchat list know that, depending on my level of stress, I often update my status with my "threat level." Much like Department of Homeland Security warnings, my threat levels describe how dangerous I might be at any given moment...as defined by pop culture references, many supplied by my lovely friends when I inevitably pose the question "what's above X?"

So, the official threat levels (this is gonna be a thing, pass it on.)

1. Taylor Swift - Super nice. I never use this one.
2. Elle Woods - Just ambitious and lusting after jewelry.
3. Britney Spears - Just whiny and self-destructive.
4. Lindsay Lohan - Whiny, self-destructive and litigious.
5. Real Housewife of Orange County - Bitchy and a little backstabbing.
6. Amanda Woodward - Bitchy, short-tempered and outright backstabbing. (I love new Melrose.)
7. Real Housewife of Atlanta - Bitchy, backstabbing and of course, hair pulling.
8. Shannen Doherty - Will punch you in the face.
9. Carrie - Will kill an entire gym full of people.
10. Naomi Campbell - Will kill an entire gym full of people while humiliating them.
    

I Hate Hipsters

But I love this

And this

What is Still Wrong with Tyra Banks?

Cycle 14 of ANTM premiered this week, and it seems like the standard fair. Tyrant still dresses like a mental patient and overuses the term "fierce" to the point that if it ever had a meaning, it would have lost all of it. There are so many teen mothers in this Top Model pool you'd think she was running a halfway house instead of a modeling competition.

There are the clueless hood rats - in fact, one of them actually referred to herself as "classy ghetto." Yeah, because such a thing exists. There are the powder keg girls who explode seemingly for no reason. Okay, those are the same girls are the clueless hood rats. Interestingly though, they are not the teen mothers. In fact, two of the teen moms claim to have gotten knocked up from their first time, and are more bumpkin than hood rat. Seriously, the only things these girls know how to model are the stereotypes they represent.

All in all, the season promises to be kinda boring, but I will make sure to keep watching - just in case something interesting or original actually happens.

I Love to Hate You

My continuing mantra: I don't blog about work, but suffice to say, it's been crazy busy lately...and also there's been a lot of crazy. To comfort myself, I turn to one of my all-time favorite hobbies: internet stalking people I hate.

What? It relaxes me.

Now, usually Facebook--aka stalker's paradise--is sufficient. I've mentioned, well, many times that I am a huge fan of not being a huge fan of my brother's significantly younger girlfriend. Her recent unprotected (heh) Facebook activity leads me to believe that perhaps she and my brother are not together any more, because she's moved out and neither of those dudes in her profile pic are dearest bro. Fascinating! Because I thought when you managed to survive law enforcement relationship counseling (that's my way of saying the cops were called over a domestic violence dispute while trying to deny my white trash family) you can survive anything. Ahhhh, Facebook. (Try commenting on one of her wall posts or pictures...pretty sure you totally can!)

But what about those nemeses that are actually college educated? Like the one whose Facebook profile you used to happily stalk because you were good enough frenemies to be Facebook friends back when she separated all of her interests with hearts and they included "Ralph Lauren slim fit polos in every color" and "my pink rhinestoned Blackberry." Stupid bitch had to grow up, realize that was unprofessional and get a job AT FACEBOOK where she learned all about privacy settings. So how come I can still see her "Best of Vegas" album?! Bitch, close your mouth...and wipe that shit off your face, no one needs that much makeup...and don't even get me started on the bronzer.

When Facebook fails you, never fear, there's plenty of fun on the internet at large. Who doesn't love a gal whose Twitter name is actually Libby's a Princess, even if her tweets are blocked? But that's not nearly enough. No no, for extra bad days there's the single most vapid thing you've ever read. Personal favorite entry: her Yelp of Southwest Airlines written as if she is Charlotte York. No, not kidding. And when you thought it just couldn't get any better, there's her bio for SF's semi-grown up sorority (so that none of us ever have to really grow up), Spinsters.

Now, one might ask, "what incident precipitated this hatred." Doesn't matter. The hatred doesn't need a reason, it's a reward all it's own. Join me. Internet stalk incredibly hatable people you don't even know. You know you want it. Doooooooo ittttttttttt.

UPDATE: In chatting with Tami this morning, I realized that I left out perhaps the best part of loving to hate dear ole Libby: she was Miss Stanislaus County 2005. No. Joke. Stanislaus: a small but important step above Fresno.

Welcome Back, Pretty People With Severe Emotional Problems

Spring has sprung! The snow is melting, the temperatures are consistently above freezing, and CW premiers Gossip Girl, Melrose Place, 90210, and ANTM all in one week. I haven't even had the opportunity to watch all the premiers yet. But, I am excited to pour some wine and finish clearing the DVR.

First, Melrose has rid its self of the odious Asslee Simpson. The only reason she worked on the show is:

1) She bared an eerie resemblance to Laura Leighton (who was supposed to be here mom)
2) Her character was bat-shit insane, which makes her poor acting seem almost passable
3) She got all that surgery and made herself reasonable to look at

While the current Amanda Woodward plot seems a little lame (seriously, Sydney had some painting that was worth a lot of money and Amanda's big scheme is to reclaim it from a dead woman?!), more Heather Locklear has saved that show in the past. All in all, I think the season is promising!

As for 90210, it seems to keep improving. It certainly bares no resemblance to any sort of reality, but at least it pokes fun at itself (like when Anna Lynne McCord spends too much time tanning, and they mock her character for it). I cannot get behind the Rumor Willis thing (it's sad really, the girl got all the worst parts of pre-surgery Demi, and it isn't like there is that much good to take from Bruce) - both her character and her casting. I get they want to be all edgy with a lesbian relationship, but it's a little out of left field and if they wanted to make a character gay, Navid or Silver are much more believable than Adriana. And while Shanae Grimes is still unwatchable, at least they are continuing to torture the character.

The new judge on ANTM seems ridic, and we meet Serena's father on GG (and he's a Baldwin - literally, not the way Cher Horowitz meant it in Clueless).

It's going to be a good Spring for my TiVo! What are you most looking forward to?

Trust Me, You're Not Special

When I got engaged, I was inundated with advice. Common themes included:

• It's your day - just remember that
• Plan that people will not show up who did RSVP and those who did not RSVP will show up
• ELOPE!

Somehow, I thought I was going to be different. I truly believed my wedding was going to be the exception, not the rule. Our RSVPs would come in on time with no surprises. Our families wouldn't create any drama. And, I wouldn't get any random gifts that weren't on the registry. Call it optimism, call is hubris, call it stupidity, but shocker: I WAS WRONG. And, so are you if you think you're special.

Suffice it to say the advice is all true. So, that being said let me offer some to those who plan to get married some day. Much will go wrong. You will be frustrated. You will have a sobbing meltdown. But, if you are marrying someone you really love, it will all be worth it in the end - at least I hope so :)

And, if all else fails, you can always elope!

How Did I Live Without Showtime?

I grew up without cable, and I blame that for my severe TV addiction. I was so desperate as a child for quality programming that now I feel as though there is an embarrassment of riches and I am a TV hoarder. It's like I survived the TV depression, and now I can't throw anything out!

Recently, we subscribed to Showtime and a whole new world has opened up. While the CW does deliciously soapy crap television, there is nothing as decadent as a Showtime original.

Exhibit A: Secret Diary of a Call Girl

The title is pretty self-explanatory. A prostitute in London (you know, because setting it in London with British accents makes it classier) has a book deal and writes about her exploits while having an affair with her dreamy publisher. And since it is a premium channel, it occasionally verges on soft-core. In short - awesome!

Exhibit B: United States of Tara

Talk about original! Tara is a mother and wife with multiple personalities. Her "alters" are a Susie-Homemaker (a real Bree Van de Kamp-esq character), a 17 year old slut, and a redneck guy named Buck. Her kids are about as well-adjusted as one could hope. Her son is like 14 and struggling with his sexuality while her daughter dates douchebags and has super low self esteem. It's totally twisted and very fun.

Exhibit C: Nurse Jackie

Edie Falco is magic. She plays a deplorable human being who cheats on her husband to get drugs (and her lover is totally in love with her), she pops pills on the job, and she lies about organ donation and loss (she flushed a patient's ear down the toilet). Yet, she is one of the most sympathetic characters on television. It's totally a must-watch (plus, you don't even see a trace of Soprano).

Exhibits D, E, and F:

While I don't watch Weeds, Dexter or Californication (not because I don't want to, I just feel like I am coming in too late and will be totally lost), there are tons of awards among all three shows and the premises are all super original.

If you are living without Showtime, I seriously recommend that you reevaluate your priorities. A subscription will change your life.