Twelve Tips for D.C. Neophytes

1. Get a Smartrip card. Spare yourself and everyone behind you in line the frustration.
2. Unless the difference in cost is $100 or more, just fly out of DCA.
3. Save yourself the frustration: don't fly to New York. Don't take the bus to Boston. Busjunction.com is your best friend.
4. Hipster or Preppy? Pick a side and party appropriately.
5. If you're from California, your first winter here is always the coldest, no matter what the temperature says.
6. Don't try to wear foundation in the summer. Do moisturize in the winter.
7. You'll need a doctor, gynecologist, dentist and psychiatrist (trust me). Find the doctors closest to your office and then cross reference them with Yelp reviews. Call until you find someone accepting new patients.
8. Learn the bus routes; it will expand your reasonably priced apartment and dive bar options by a power of 10.
9. Ice skating at the National Gallery sculpture garden, screen on the green, E Street Cinema, Shakespeare Theater's young professional tickets and the botanical gardens--the best free to reasonably priced entertainment in the city.
   
10. Don't put off buying wellies. Sure, you can't wear them everyday, or even once a week, but when you need them, they're more frustrating to be without than a great pair of jeans or a little black dress.
    
11. PL Nails in Adams Morgan is the only place to bother getting your nails done. Clean, luxurious and $35 for a mani-pedi.
    
12. Eat at Komi at least once before you leave.

Bonus: Plan to leave. No one stays.

Versace! Cavalli! Vogue! Cover Girl?!

This season of America's Next Top Model takes the ridiculous cake. Now, Elle's and my love-hate relationship with Tyrant Banks is well-documented insofar as we love to hate her and have blogged about it frequently. Season after season we've called her narcissistic, fake, crazy, and clueless. But, she's a pretty savvy businesswoman - she's built an empire for herself. And yet, this season just tells me she is dumb.

As anyone who has watched cycle 15 can attest, they have attempted to elevate the competition. They are looking for a girl who is more high fashion. And they have had some pretty incredible guest judges like DVF, Pat Fields, Zac Posen, Margherita Missoni, and more (definitely no low-rent Kim Kardashians or Lauren Conrads for this bunch). And while some of the photo shoots/challenges have been absurd (H2T Water - is that really a thing?! And if so, does Tyra own it? And what about Tyra's directorial debut. WTF was that?! Like, is a video editorial a real thing - or is this Tyra trying to start another trend like the overuse of "fierce" or "smizing"? Or will this just be another failed attempt at a career change - like her music video. Sorry, I am getting off topic here), this season has definitely felt less commercial - save for one thing: the Cover Girl contract.

If they are truly looking for a high fashion model, then they are not looking for someone who can do Cover Girl. You know who are the biggest CG spokespeople currently? Drew Barrymore and Queen Latifah. Nothing about either of those women screams high fashion to me. CG's whole schtick is about approachable beauty. High fashion is in diametric opposition to approachable. And do not even get me started on the Walmart challenge from early in the season...

Furthermore, they keep harping on personality. I get that models need to book jobs, but high fashion or couture runway girls are glorified hangers. I bet most of the really successful fashion models working today have the personality of a wet rag - you cannot have a personality and be that thin. You're just too hungry and hunger makes people lethargic and/or bitchy. Maybe those aren't the models who we know by name, but none of these girls on ANTM are going to be as successful as Gisele or even Tyra (who, incidentally, are both famous for their commercial work). If we see them after the show, we only know their names because of the show. The goal should be to work - and make money, not to be a top model - and I don't care what the show is called. I don't "idolize" Kelly Clarkson. Richard Hatch is a douchebag and a criminal - not a "survivor." There is nothing remotely real about "The Real World." The only truthful reality show name is "I Love Money." But "America's Next Working Model Who Can Support Herself as a Model" isn't as catchy a title.

I support the search for an actual editorial model. I think it is an interesting twist (certainly more interesting than the midget season), but if you're going to do it, really commit. Ditch the Cover Girl cash cow, don't let the girls within 1000 yards of a Walmart, and stop trying to force girls who lack personality to prove they have one - they don't. And guess what, if the clothes look good, they photos are hot, and they can walk a runway, they will work - and probably be more successful than the winner.

The more things change...

I recently went to my 10-year high school reunion. And I was nervous about it - really nervous. I wasn't sure how I would feel or how I would be perceived by others. Would they think I was aging badly? Would they be impressed by my life? Would they think I was one of the ones who "got fat" (oh, I didn't - but I definitely was worried)? When I got there though, I realized that all my nerves were for nothing.

I was struck by the fact that everyone seemed more or less exactly the same. What had changed (other than a few waistline measurements) was how everyone reacted to one another. There wasn't really any hierarchy anymore. The mean girls weren't mean. The dorky guys weren't (as) dorky. And the hot guys definitely weren't hot. But everyone got along and genuinely enjoyed catching up, regardless of where we each fell in terms of the pecking order 10 years ago. I had a really good time, and I felt as though I exercised the last few of those adolescent demons.

Well, today a girl I have known basically since birth posted a photograph of our preschool class on Facebook. I was somewhere between 2 or 3 years old at the time. It's admittedly not my most adorable moment, but it's still cute. Several people have commented, and since I am tagged, I get an email every time someone does. Well, one of the comments was from a guy I went to high school with. He wasn't at the reunion, because he was in the graduating class ahead of mine.

He wrote: "Wow. Check out that noggin on Tami."

This shouldn't bother me - but I know he intended this post to get under my skin. And frankly, he succeeded. It just seems so unnecessary. I don't want to respond on the thread, because he'll accuse me of being too sensitive or not having a sense of humor. But the fact of the matter is that he set out to be derisive. He wasn't trying to connect - I haven't seen him since my senior year of high school when he came to judge a speech and debate tournament for our team (a tournament he was asked to leave, because he had been drinking so much the night before that he still reeked of booze that day). We are Facebook friends - if he wanted to connect, it would have been easy enough to do over the years. And we aren't friends - so he wasn't teasing in a friendly way. No, he wanted to belittle me, much like he enjoyed doing in high school.

I know I have no reason to care. I have a good life. I have an interesting job I enjoy, a wonderful husband, amazing friends and an awesome shoe collection. I've gained some amazing life experiences, while he has gained weight - seriously, he has basically doubled in size since high school. He doesn't really appear to have done much with his life. And based on the reports I got at my reunion, he is a bit of a sad sack. He is stuck in his adolescence (a time where he was king - and relatively fit), which is totally obvious from his stupid little comment. And yet, I am bothered.

It's simple really - people don't change. And sometimes, neither do your reactions to them. At least being an adult shows me that while he still may be good at making me feel insecure, he's bad at life. So basically, I win. No, that is not the mature, adult response. It is the petty teenage one. But, unlike teenage me, adult me can celebrate this petty victory with a cocktail.

MTV Got Something Right

It's a shocker, I know. But one of the ridiculous reality programs on MTV actually accurately portrays the life of one group: the d-bags of the Jersey Shore.

I had my bachelorette party last weekend, and because Vegas is too expensive and far away, we went to Atlantic City. Wow. Let me just say wow. I have never seen so many tiny but muscle-y, orange men in my entire life. And they are super aggressive.

But, it isn't like they have any game - at least any game that I recognize. Granted, I have been in a relationship for a long time, but I think there are some things that are just universal.

For instance, it is not charming or cute to yell at a girl, "Hey, Bachelorette. It's my bachelor party, and we can have sex until tomorrow." In case you are wondering what I replied, I told him he didn't meet the height requirement.

Other things that are not cute:

1) Grabbing ass on the dance floor when the club turns the lights out (however, that did lead to one of the more quotable nicknames of the party. The "butt bongo pirate" was coined by MR. Well done!)

2) Coming up behind a girl and rubbing your crotch on her while grabbing her stomach. No one touches my stomach.

3) Unbuttoning your shirt down to your belly button.

4) Fist pumping

5) Excessive hair gel

6) Tanning until you turn orange. Seriously, orange.

In spite of - or perhaps because of - the men of the Jersey Shore, I had a wonderful weekend. Thanks to the ladies - including my fellow bitch Elle - for making it a great send off to my single lady status. But, I do still hate you all for the tiara and veil.

Please Do Not Disturb the Urbanite in Her Natural Environment

April is upon us, and for those of us in D.C., that means cherry blossoms, allergies and the official start of tourist season. I'm as happy for the warm weather sans impending humidity as the next gal, but I hate this time of year.

At some point when you were a youngster--for me it was like 7th grade--your school thought it was a good idea to take you to our nation's capital and brainwash you with a fine bouquet of patriotism with the faintest hint of xenophobia. You looked at monuments, visited museums, and more than anything enjoyed being away from your parents and sleeping in the same hotel where your crush was, even if there were like 30 chaperones between you and him, ready to pounce at the faintest scent of hormones.

Never did you consider the fact that that bicameral legislature that you're admiring has a whole staff of people who live and work in D.C. and keep that thing running. And that that legislature has a whole lot of corporate interests that wish to influence it and employ an army of people to do so. And that news organizations cover the relationship between the two, which they do by being chock full of staff. And that all of those staffers need to eat and shop and see movies somewhere and that there are a whole host of people who FRIGGIN' LIVE HERE AND THE CITY IS NOT A PLAYGROUND OF STATUES BUILT FOR YOUR TOURISTY AMUSEMENT! YOU DIDN'T CONSIDER IT, DID YOU!??!

Sorry, I get a little worked up. And I'm still pissed that Granny O'Grimm didn't win the Oscar for Best Animated Short. Anyways, my point is, as a tourist and visitor to this place, you should respect the local customs and try not to annoy the city's natural population--the urbanite.

Those things aren't modern day black magic, they're called escalators. And while they are, in fact, very long, they are not a photo opportunity. Kindly stand on the right and walk on the left or suffer my wrath. Oh, oh, you think I won't curse at your five year old who is "adorably" trying to run up the down escalator during morning rush hour traffic when I am running 15 minutes late to work? You are so fucking wrong.

As with most wild animals, the best way to avoid a mauling, is to keep a respectful distance from the beast, and the best way to do that, is to recognize it. So, with the help of 2B1B's graphic designer in residence AO, I give you....


The urbanite may have any or all of the evolutionary advantages listed above. And in addition to the flip flops, she may also be carting high heels in a reusable grocery bag because the guy at CVS isn't asking you if you'd like paper or plastic, he's asking you if you'd like to pay $0.05 or just manage to carry your purchases on your own without murdering the planet.

The urbanite is well adapted to her environment. Sorry tourist, I'm not even looking at you. I can't tell that you're lost and need directions. I'm staring at something else disdainfully behind these sunglasses. Oh, that homeless dude was asking me for money? I thought he was waving and helpfully providing a back beat to my ipod with his coffee cup full of change. PETA chick, I would take your stupid little flyer filled with oddly racist arguments about why animal cruelty is bad if my hands weren't so damn full with this coffee and this Blackberry.

It's best to allow a perimeter around the urbanite and to stay out of her direct path--the urbanite doesn't waver and stupid little high school girls in their school shirt who failed to get out of my way while I was walking to work this morning may have gotten knocked on her ass in a crosswalk only to have her teacher cursed at about the proper time and place for tourists when she tried to scold me. Spill my coffee on me and pay the price--I have theater tickets for tonight. You're just going to the fucking Spy Museum.

Things I Do Not Understand

I consider myself a keen observer of the human condition. I think I read people well, and I love to play armchair psychiatrist. However, there are certain behaviors that mystify me. These are just a few of them.

1) People who invite all of their Facebook to events - even their friends who live nowhere in the area.

2) People who reply to all on office-wide emails to say something personal to the sender.

3) People who ask you where you are registered for your wedding, only to buy you random crap that you can't return because it comes from some artisan store in a city where you don't live.

4) People who friend people they've never met on Facebook (FB might be a bit of a recurring theme). Is Facebook looking to make the word "friend" lose all meaning - assuming it hasn't already?

5) Anything anyone does on Metro. Seriously, that could be its own post. But, just a couple:
A) People who sit in the outside seat at rush hour on a crowded train, leaving the seat next to them empty, and then shoot you a death stare when you ask to sit down in the last available seat.
B) People who will stand in the doorway of an EMPTY train! There are empty seats, lots of standing room and they stand right in the way of people trying to enter or exit the train.
C) Tourists who ride during commute hours.

It's as though some people lie awake at night trying to figure out how to annoy other people. If they were looking to annoy me, they succeeded.

X.O.X.Oh, I so don't care anymore.

This season on Gossip Girl, I was bored. It's a classic teen drama mistake - they took them out of high school and tried to put them in the adult world. Here's the thing - high school melodrama is more compelling and believable (even when it's totally unbelievable) than when the characters strike out into the real world only to face instant success and bizarre complications.

Case and point: Serena's affair with the newly elected Congressman Tripp VanDerBilt (who, incidentally, looks about 16). She doesn't suspect anything when she gets a job she is totally unqualified for - but I guess they never do in TV Land - and then she thinks she and her boss can remain professional?! Please. Life doesn't work that way, and I don't care how pretty you are.

Don't even get me started on the snooze-worthy relationship between Dan and Vanessa; the utter ridiculousness of a 19 year old running a multi-million/billion dollar company; or Jenny the drug dealer. It's all just lame and boring. CW, it's time to euthanize this drama before it goes the way of the original 9-0: from a youthful, fun romp to an old, incontinent curmudgeon of a program. It's telling you to get off its lawn. Listen!

Spring has Sprung!

No, I'm not just talking about the drastically improved weather. It's March Madness, which Cal is in for the first time in, like, forever. And yet, that's still not what's really important. What's really important is that Fug Madness is happening over at Go Fug Yourself. Vote early, vote often.

If It's Wrong to Love a Shoe, I Don't Want to be Right

Edited: Apparently Elle told some of you that I bought hooker shoes. This is not the case.

I love shoes. My closet documents this love affair pretty well. But, until recently, my pain threshold pretty much topped out with Stuart Weitzman or Kate Spade (and almost exclusively when they were on sale). Then my wedding got really close. And suddenly, I needed new shoes for the wedding. And, of course, a purchase for the wedding is so easy to rationalize. It's a special day - I should just go for it, right?

Well, I did. And now, I am the proud owner of a pair of Christian Louboutins. I can't stop looking at the beautiful, blood red sole and thinking about how that they are all mine. Seriously, I want to sleep in them.

It may be shallow to be so excited about this status symbol. But if you think I am shallow, you are probably just jealous :)

I am just worried about when they get lonely, and I have to buy them a sibling pair...

Threat Levels: Defined

Those readers out there who are privileged enough to also be on my gchat list know that, depending on my level of stress, I often update my status with my "threat level." Much like Department of Homeland Security warnings, my threat levels describe how dangerous I might be at any given moment...as defined by pop culture references, many supplied by my lovely friends when I inevitably pose the question "what's above X?"

So, the official threat levels (this is gonna be a thing, pass it on.)

1. Taylor Swift - Super nice. I never use this one.
2. Elle Woods - Just ambitious and lusting after jewelry.
3. Britney Spears - Just whiny and self-destructive.
4. Lindsay Lohan - Whiny, self-destructive and litigious.
5. Real Housewife of Orange County - Bitchy and a little backstabbing.
6. Amanda Woodward - Bitchy, short-tempered and outright backstabbing. (I love new Melrose.)
7. Real Housewife of Atlanta - Bitchy, backstabbing and of course, hair pulling.
8. Shannen Doherty - Will punch you in the face.
9. Carrie - Will kill an entire gym full of people.
10. Naomi Campbell - Will kill an entire gym full of people while humiliating them.
    

I Hate Hipsters

But I love this

And this

What is Still Wrong with Tyra Banks?

Cycle 14 of ANTM premiered this week, and it seems like the standard fair. Tyrant still dresses like a mental patient and overuses the term "fierce" to the point that if it ever had a meaning, it would have lost all of it. There are so many teen mothers in this Top Model pool you'd think she was running a halfway house instead of a modeling competition.

There are the clueless hood rats - in fact, one of them actually referred to herself as "classy ghetto." Yeah, because such a thing exists. There are the powder keg girls who explode seemingly for no reason. Okay, those are the same girls are the clueless hood rats. Interestingly though, they are not the teen mothers. In fact, two of the teen moms claim to have gotten knocked up from their first time, and are more bumpkin than hood rat. Seriously, the only things these girls know how to model are the stereotypes they represent.

All in all, the season promises to be kinda boring, but I will make sure to keep watching - just in case something interesting or original actually happens.

I Love to Hate You

My continuing mantra: I don't blog about work, but suffice to say, it's been crazy busy lately...and also there's been a lot of crazy. To comfort myself, I turn to one of my all-time favorite hobbies: internet stalking people I hate.

What? It relaxes me.

Now, usually Facebook--aka stalker's paradise--is sufficient. I've mentioned, well, many times that I am a huge fan of not being a huge fan of my brother's significantly younger girlfriend. Her recent unprotected (heh) Facebook activity leads me to believe that perhaps she and my brother are not together any more, because she's moved out and neither of those dudes in her profile pic are dearest bro. Fascinating! Because I thought when you managed to survive law enforcement relationship counseling (that's my way of saying the cops were called over a domestic violence dispute while trying to deny my white trash family) you can survive anything. Ahhhh, Facebook. (Try commenting on one of her wall posts or pictures...pretty sure you totally can!)

But what about those nemeses that are actually college educated? Like the one whose Facebook profile you used to happily stalk because you were good enough frenemies to be Facebook friends back when she separated all of her interests with hearts and they included "Ralph Lauren slim fit polos in every color" and "my pink rhinestoned Blackberry." Stupid bitch had to grow up, realize that was unprofessional and get a job AT FACEBOOK where she learned all about privacy settings. So how come I can still see her "Best of Vegas" album?! Bitch, close your mouth...and wipe that shit off your face, no one needs that much makeup...and don't even get me started on the bronzer.

When Facebook fails you, never fear, there's plenty of fun on the internet at large. Who doesn't love a gal whose Twitter name is actually Libby's a Princess, even if her tweets are blocked? But that's not nearly enough. No no, for extra bad days there's the single most vapid thing you've ever read. Personal favorite entry: her Yelp of Southwest Airlines written as if she is Charlotte York. No, not kidding. And when you thought it just couldn't get any better, there's her bio for SF's semi-grown up sorority (so that none of us ever have to really grow up), Spinsters.

Now, one might ask, "what incident precipitated this hatred." Doesn't matter. The hatred doesn't need a reason, it's a reward all it's own. Join me. Internet stalk incredibly hatable people you don't even know. You know you want it. Doooooooo ittttttttttt.

UPDATE: In chatting with Tami this morning, I realized that I left out perhaps the best part of loving to hate dear ole Libby: she was Miss Stanislaus County 2005. No. Joke. Stanislaus: a small but important step above Fresno.

Welcome Back, Pretty People With Severe Emotional Problems

Spring has sprung! The snow is melting, the temperatures are consistently above freezing, and CW premiers Gossip Girl, Melrose Place, 90210, and ANTM all in one week. I haven't even had the opportunity to watch all the premiers yet. But, I am excited to pour some wine and finish clearing the DVR.

First, Melrose has rid its self of the odious Asslee Simpson. The only reason she worked on the show is:

1) She bared an eerie resemblance to Laura Leighton (who was supposed to be here mom)
2) Her character was bat-shit insane, which makes her poor acting seem almost passable
3) She got all that surgery and made herself reasonable to look at

While the current Amanda Woodward plot seems a little lame (seriously, Sydney had some painting that was worth a lot of money and Amanda's big scheme is to reclaim it from a dead woman?!), more Heather Locklear has saved that show in the past. All in all, I think the season is promising!

As for 90210, it seems to keep improving. It certainly bares no resemblance to any sort of reality, but at least it pokes fun at itself (like when Anna Lynne McCord spends too much time tanning, and they mock her character for it). I cannot get behind the Rumor Willis thing (it's sad really, the girl got all the worst parts of pre-surgery Demi, and it isn't like there is that much good to take from Bruce) - both her character and her casting. I get they want to be all edgy with a lesbian relationship, but it's a little out of left field and if they wanted to make a character gay, Navid or Silver are much more believable than Adriana. And while Shanae Grimes is still unwatchable, at least they are continuing to torture the character.

The new judge on ANTM seems ridic, and we meet Serena's father on GG (and he's a Baldwin - literally, not the way Cher Horowitz meant it in Clueless).

It's going to be a good Spring for my TiVo! What are you most looking forward to?

Trust Me, You're Not Special

When I got engaged, I was inundated with advice. Common themes included:

• It's your day - just remember that
• Plan that people will not show up who did RSVP and those who did not RSVP will show up
• ELOPE!

Somehow, I thought I was going to be different. I truly believed my wedding was going to be the exception, not the rule. Our RSVPs would come in on time with no surprises. Our families wouldn't create any drama. And, I wouldn't get any random gifts that weren't on the registry. Call it optimism, call is hubris, call it stupidity, but shocker: I WAS WRONG. And, so are you if you think you're special.

Suffice it to say the advice is all true. So, that being said let me offer some to those who plan to get married some day. Much will go wrong. You will be frustrated. You will have a sobbing meltdown. But, if you are marrying someone you really love, it will all be worth it in the end - at least I hope so :)

And, if all else fails, you can always elope!

How Did I Live Without Showtime?

I grew up without cable, and I blame that for my severe TV addiction. I was so desperate as a child for quality programming that now I feel as though there is an embarrassment of riches and I am a TV hoarder. It's like I survived the TV depression, and now I can't throw anything out!

Recently, we subscribed to Showtime and a whole new world has opened up. While the CW does deliciously soapy crap television, there is nothing as decadent as a Showtime original.

Exhibit A: Secret Diary of a Call Girl

The title is pretty self-explanatory. A prostitute in London (you know, because setting it in London with British accents makes it classier) has a book deal and writes about her exploits while having an affair with her dreamy publisher. And since it is a premium channel, it occasionally verges on soft-core. In short - awesome!

Exhibit B: United States of Tara

Talk about original! Tara is a mother and wife with multiple personalities. Her "alters" are a Susie-Homemaker (a real Bree Van de Kamp-esq character), a 17 year old slut, and a redneck guy named Buck. Her kids are about as well-adjusted as one could hope. Her son is like 14 and struggling with his sexuality while her daughter dates douchebags and has super low self esteem. It's totally twisted and very fun.

Exhibit C: Nurse Jackie

Edie Falco is magic. She plays a deplorable human being who cheats on her husband to get drugs (and her lover is totally in love with her), she pops pills on the job, and she lies about organ donation and loss (she flushed a patient's ear down the toilet). Yet, she is one of the most sympathetic characters on television. It's totally a must-watch (plus, you don't even see a trace of Soprano).

Exhibits D, E, and F:

While I don't watch Weeds, Dexter or Californication (not because I don't want to, I just feel like I am coming in too late and will be totally lost), there are tons of awards among all three shows and the premises are all super original.

If you are living without Showtime, I seriously recommend that you reevaluate your priorities. A subscription will change your life.

THANK YOU, American Apparel!

It's Snowing, Let's Get Boozey

I plan ahead--I stocked up on liquor Friday afternoon and hit Whole Foods on wednesday before everyone went snow crazy. In case you didn't--or if you want to engage in the bad behavior that accompanies snow in places that don't usually get it (drunken snowball fight? Yes!)--We Love DC has a list of open bars and restaurants.

As a disclaimer, I'm not sure how many of these are still open. I think this is even worse than folks planned, because Dino emailed this morning that they had to cancel their plans to stay open.

While we're on the subject, Dino, whom I rave about constantly on this blog, they mentioned how difficult this weather has been on their December/January revenue. Dino supports local, they support sustainable, and they're a genuinely family run restaurant with amazing food, a stunning wine collection and really a great value for what they offer. Stop by. They've also got great tables if you're planning a group dinner.

We Clearly Can't Handle Snow

DC got another 2-4 inches last night, which is just salt in the wound that's still open from the epic pre-Christmas storm. I realize this is nothing to you mid-west and Boston kids, but this just doesn't happen to us, especially with another potentially big snow storm heading our way this weekend.

I get it Obama, you're from Chicago and you're not going to shut down the federal government (which all of the local businesses generally follow) for a couple measly inches (and the one damn thing metro manages to do really well is keep running in the snow, grrrrr), but we occasional snow kids get a little giddy when the white stuff just keeps coming (yes, still discussing precipitation.)

First there was the idiot cop who pulled his gun on the good folks participating in an organized snowball fight here in D.C. Then this morning, I read about the lovely lady up in Pennsylvania who is being charged for throwing a snowball at a city bus driver for not letting her board with an expired bus pass.

City officials and citizens alike, we just can't handle the snow. It makes us crazy. Just let us stay home.

All I Want for Oscars is Good Fashion

As previously mentioned, I treat award shows as a cross between a sport and a holiday. For Christmas, I want Burberry...and for the red carpet I want pretty much the same thing. I've been so busy bashing this year's movies that I haven't really gotten around to bashing this year's award show fashions.

So, a note to all you Hollywood starlets out there: no more dresses approximating your skin tone. Nothing else with oddly placed ruffles or applique. And just because Julie Andrews makes strange choices and decided to be in The Tooth Fairy for reasons that pass understanding, if your dress makes you look like Tinkerbell, just say no.

The makeup looked good. The hair we'll give a pass on since no one in LA knows how to handle rain, but come Oscars red carpet, we want to see real colors detailing that's interesting, not strange. If everyone could follow January Jones and Marion Cotillard (and my controversial pick, Kate Hudson)'s lead , that would be fantastic. Thanks.

Am I Really Going to Have to See The Blind Side?!

I've already bitched about the dearth of films this year that deserve any sort of special attention and the fact that the Academy has returned to its 10 flick Best Pic category. Well, my question of what's going to be included has been answered and...well...

Best Picture
Avatar--duh. Admittedly I haven't seen it yet and I guess I'm going to have to (not like you can rent the damn thing, it obviously has to be viewed in a theater in 3D) but the reviews from friends have been mixed...I think breaking down by gender, but further analysis is necessary. What I will say is, I almost threw something at the TV when Cameron won for Titanic and have to reconvince myself that Leonardo Dicaprio is a decent actor every time I go to try and watch a movie of his (and he really is a pretty good actor.) Excitement level: meh.

The Blind Side--really?! Really?! I have to go see this now, don't I? I don't know, maybe Sandy really is extraordinary in this one, but the Erin Brockvich comparisons aren't inspiring me (that really wasn't a good movie, in case people are still confused). Sandra Bullock, even if you win an Oscar, you'll still be the chick clenching from diarrhea to the stellar musical direction of "Taking Care of Business" when you finally release in some poor family's RV a la Two Weeks Notice to me.

District 9, An Education, The Hurt Locker, and A Serious Man--I'm fine with these in concept. I'll be seeing the ones I haven't yet in the coming weeks (a tradition of Tami and I's), but these are the types of films I expect from ole Oscar. I will mention that some of them just got in under the wire. I get that everyone saves the good stuff for right before awards so that people don't forget them, but this year it's been like "oh crap, we didn't put out anything good all year, hurry up and release this thing, who cares if only the foreign press has seen it come awards time."

Inglorious Basterds--I guess I'm fine with this too, but Tarantino's generally more of a cult following thing than an Academy Award thing (with or without Brad Pitt.) Like all Tarantino films, I expect this to be a movie about pretty people looking dirty, people getting killed in a creative way and things blowing up with some cleverly funny lines.

Precious--I want to want to see this film. But I just don't. That's it, that's all I really have to say.

Up--I mean, it's charming, but it's a children's animated film. Not that we shouldn't constantly reevaluate our idea of what "good" is when it comes to film and just generally art, but we should reevaluate based on things that challenge us, not yet another Pixar film that doesn't substantially differ from the last. I doubt the folks who made this movie thought that were making the best film of the year...like, why don't you just throw the Hangover in there while you're at it?

Up in the Air--I really like this movie. It does something that I think films of a certain type are supposed to do--captures a moment in modern history and speaks to the times we're living in and the changes that have occurred. For me, this movie came out at the perfect moment when a lot of change had occurred and spoke to a culture that I personally participate in. I liked it. Other friends of mine found it sort of obvious and heavy handed, and I see where they're coming from as well. All of that being said, I think in any stronger year, this movie would have gotten a screenplay nod and that's it. There wouldn't be this buzz around it.

At least Nine was left off the list, which (despite the costuming and some strong performances) was totally disjointed.

A Couple Things to be Pleased About
From the LA Times:

Bigelow, who won the Directors Guild of America Award over the weekend, is only the fourth woman to earn a best director nod. Daniels is just the second African American filmmaker to earn that honor.

I'm not thrilled just because there should be more diversity in film making (there should, it tells a better story from more perspectives), but also because I've heard that these folks put out amazing films.

All in all, academically I was taught to believe that hardship and national consciousness devoted to specific problems is a boon for cultural products. 1939 is widely considered the best year in film and we were still deeply in the Great Depression and moving swiftly towards World War II. After an economic collapse, a massive political change and engagement in 2 wars, this was the best we could come up with?

Anyways, Tami and I will be catching the flicks we haven't seen...maybe we'll join Foursquare just to see if we have any stalkers who will try to run into us at the theaters. If I can recommend anything, it's seeing the short nominees (shown in DC at the E Street Cinema.) Octopodi last year was the best 3 minutes of my life...and you feel cool at your Oscars party for having an opinion when the category comes up.

Leave your predictions (and/or strong feelings) in comments...

Hey, Costco - Treat Your Members Like They Pay to Shop There!

I have a long-standing love of Costco - in fact, I've loved it since before it was Costco (it used to be called Price Club). My dad used to take me there when I was a kid - and there were always so many wonders available in bulk. The best part for me, being the budding elitist I was as a child, was that you had to be a member to get in. It may have been called Price Club - but it was a members-only club nonetheless.

As I've gotten older, I have noticed that someone has forgotten to tell Costco employees that they are, in fact, dealing with members. Now, the club may not be exclusive. It may not be expensive. But damnit, we pay a membership fee for more than moderately reasonable prices on ridiculous quantities of food (especially since my Costco in Arlington doesn't have gas).

They get ruder and ruder with each visit! On our frequent visits to Costco, my fiance and I like to grab something from, as my friend's grandfather used to call it, Cafe $1.50 (in reference to the super cheap kosher hot dog and soda meal - but I am partial to the slightly more expensive huge slice of pizza for $1.99). Well, the cafe is easiest to get to through the exit. If you go in through the entrance, you have to navigate through the densely packed long lines for check out. Recently though, we have been getting insane attitude from the trolls who check your receipt on the way out. One lovely young girl with one of those beauty mark piercings suggested we didn't realize we were walking through the exit. She tried to tell us the entrance was the other door. Um, you may not have a 6th grade education, but I do - and I can read. The worst part was that the exit was slow - there was no one there. What does she care if we want to get our lunch faster? What were we hurting?

But the attitude is all over the store - even if you aren't entering through the exit! When you check out, they treat you like scum. When you buy food, it's as though you are bothering them. When you're leaving, you get a dour expression as they make a big black or yellow mark down the middle of your receipt. I'm sorry, am I bothering you by coming to your place of employment and making you do your job?

Sadly, I have come to expect this level of service at a large number of establishments (Macy's, I am looking at you). But, I don't pay for the privilege to spend more money in a large number of places.

Costco is like the 2nd largest retailer in the world. They supposedly treat their employees really well. But, they got to be the 2nd largest retailer because of their customers - their members. Maybe it's time they clued in their well-treated employees that if they like their jobs, they should be nicer to the people that make it possible for them to remain employed.

Thanks, Recession!

So, the recession screwed many of us in many ways. You didn't necessarily need to lose your house or job to feel the effects...ask any law student hoping for the cushy summer associateships of years past.

But one way the recession helped us out was by scaring the hell out of retailers. Several stores have figured that students retain their disposable income, even in hard times, and have instituted student discounts. Club Monaco began offering a 20 percent discount last Spring, which I took advantage of like it was a drunk freshman. As of today, Banana Republic (we hear from a friend who works there) is up to the same thing, but at a 15 percent discount.

So, for those of us who have retained a student ID card via either scholastic achievement or trickery ("issued: 2005" looks just like "issued: 2008" with a little sharpie magic...and really, any salesperson who questions your graduation date can be easily thrown off the scent with near tears about how difficult your learning disability makes it to take a full course load), take advantage of your student status...to stock up on work clothes. (Sidenote, the BR discount also applies to teachers...you're welcome TFA folks.)

New Thing We Love: @verymarykate

I haven't see the Olsen twins in a hot minute, but much like their coked out, bleached blond, too thin counterpart Brittany Murphy, I assume someone would let me know if they died (so that we could all defile their Wikipedia profiles without the restrictive Biographies of Living Persons rules.)

Since they're supposedly still alive, our new web crush over at verymarykate.com has settled for portraying them on Vimeo...

Very Mary-Kate, Episode 1 from Mary-Kate Olsen on Vimeo.

Current catchphrase nominee: "Grown up Oxycontin tastes like chalk."

Am I the Only Feminist Who Doesn't Have a Problem with This?

UPDATE: Upon learning of this from AH, I officially reverse my position. Pull the damn thing. Or open up the ad space to everyone, though AH also makes a good point about the public health implications of this specific ad (see comments.)

ORIGINAL: I...just don't have a problem with this. I'm a self-identified feminist and I'm pretty damn left, but part of my hippie liberal beliefs is that everyone has the right to say whatever the hell they want. I don't think it will come as any surprise to people that there are two sides of the abortion debate. In fact, I think everyone knows what the two sides are, what their arguments are, and that they're trying to persuade people to agree with them.

All ads are opinion pieces. "You should buy this." "You should believe that." Granted CBS screwed up in the past by denying other "advocacy" ads--that was wrong. But what I would prefer is for everyone to have the opportunity to express their opinion if they can raise the cash to do so (as long as everyone is charged the same amount.) What's the old saying? "I don't agree with what you're saying, but I'd defend with my life your right to say it."

I'm well aware of the argument that pay-to-speak situations like commercials gives rich folks more rights to free speech than the rest of us, but here's the thing--I'd rather rich people decide with their money what messages they pay to deliver than a huge entertainment network deciding what we can and cannot discuss. The latter seems to have much more insidious possibilities to me.

Why are pro-choice groups giving the ad's storyline free media instead of working together to collect enough donations to buy an ad of their own? (That said, Focus on the Family, you didn't think that $2.5 to $2.8 million would be better spent in, say, Haiti?)

Haaaaaa

Obvious statement of the year: Heidi Montag is a waste of oxygen. The fact that she requires more oxygen than the average person by attempting to sing just makes it all that much more infuriating. Particularly when I have more Facebook friends than she has record sales. Us Weekly reports:

"[I]ndustry sources tell UsMagazine.com that the album has sold only 658 downloads to date."

I'll say it again: Haaaaaaaa.

Speaking of Conversations Overheard...

As an anathema to the gross whores Tami overheard, AO found smart (and apparently attractive) girls on the Metro this morning. From her email:

Hot girl talking to hot friend: He said blowjobs are like flowers for guys. Do I get flowers everyday? No! So why should he, right?

All Men Don't Suck - Your Taste in Them Does

As I was walking back from the gym this evening, I passed by two young women having a very animated discussion.

Girl #1 - who will be henceforth referred to as "blond idiot with ugly boots" - or BIWUB for short (seriously though, what is with calf high boots? Why would you pay to give yourself the effect of cankles or stumpy legs?), said to girl #2, who will henceforth be referred to as "brunette idiot without an original thought" - or BIWAOT for short:

BIWUB - "He is so retarded, and I really hate that word."

BIWAOT - "I so hate it when people use that word."

BIWUB - "I hate it too. It really bothers me - except when it fits the situation."

BIWAOT - "Seriously, sometimes people are just retarded."

BIWUB - "Honestly, he must have an IQ of 34. They all have an IQ of 34. Men suck."

BIWAOT - "Totally."

So there you have it - two MENSA members casting judgment on the entire male population.

Did it occur to this girl that perhaps men aren't the problem? Maybe she just has bad taste? Scratch that - she definitely has bad taste. I saw her outfit, and it was fugly. But in general, maybe she just has bad taste in men. And her little idiot friend clearly doesn't know her opinion on anything until the blond one tells her what it is.

It gets back to that whole, "he's just not that into you" thing. It is so much easier to make excuses, like he's totally busy, he likes me too much, or all men suck, than it is to look inward. Do the mature thing - egg his car, and find yourself a nice boy.

People Ask Me Stupid Questions

Some of them are grammar and/or spelling related. Some of them are how to perform simple computer tasks, like sorting Excel spreadsheets. Some are ever so slightly more complicated technical tasks that are still well within Google's purview. After a recent annoyance, my boyfriend sent me this little gem.

Needless to say, Let Me Google That For You has replaced Kanye This in my heart.

2009 Was a Bad Year...For Movies

Sure, Time called 2009 the end of the decade from hell...but they didn't even mention how bad the movies were. One of my favorite holidays, the Golden Globes, took place on Sunday. Usually this is something I prepare for, like some sort of sport (award shows and Restaurant Week are the closest I get), but this year I didn't get around to looking at the nominees until right before the awards. I was horrified when I finally went to fill out my ballot...

The Proposal?!?! It's Complicated?! Hell, The Hangover?! I loved The Hangover. I laughed the whole way through. It was really funny. But is this an award winning film? Really? In that case, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and 40 Year-Old Virgin were totally robbed. And do I really have to live in a world where Sandra Bullock won a Golden Globe for playing the mother of every guy on my high school football team, but slightly less racist? If she wins an Oscar, I swear to god...

Speaking of the Oscars, the Academy this year returns to their old format of nominating 10 films for the Best Picture category. Here's my question: what fucking films? Can't we just mail the statue to James Cameron and save ourselves the time and energy?

Los Angeles is A Strange Place

When I was a kid, I loved visiting Los Angeles. It was this magical place with great food, good shopping and perfect weather. Don't get me wrong, there still is some great food and excellent shopping. And while the weather is usually perfect, we were just unlucky enough to come the weekend where rain ended the long drought there. But, when I was younger, I never noticed how ridiculous the people in LA are.

Everyone knows the LA stereotype - superficial people that are all trying to break into show business. But nothing makes that seem so real that like witnessing a child that couldn't have been more than 4 or 5 getting extensions in the kiddie hair salon. It was tragic, because this little girl had the most adorable little afro puff, and the extensions were certainly not an improvement.

DC has its own crazy. But, I somehow find it preferable to LA. If nothing else, it's pretty easy to be considered thin and stylish in DC!

And This Bitch is Bored

So I post nothing for two months, and suddenly I post twice in one day. Well, there's a simple explanation: boredom.

I am currently on a plane headed to Los Angeles for a family event - my dad is turning 70. Today is the last day of Virgin America's promotion with Google to offer free wi-fi in flight. That feels really lucky, since the television selection on Virgin leaves much to be desired - well, the free television selection that is (I am a Jet Blue fan, myself - Jet Blue, if you're listening, I happily accept free stuff).

While it may seem a bit hack-y to do a post on the horrors of travel, I am feeling inspired.

As I get older (especially in a post 9-11 world), travel becomes more of a chore and less of a delight. I mean, flying used to be magical. You were flying for f***'s sake! And, people used to dress up for flights. Okay, so I am not old enough to really have witnessed that (or smoking on planes, thank goodness), but I have heard a lot of stories. These days, people don't even get DRESSED to fly. It's all track suits and bed head.

Also, the colder the climate I live in, the more I feel like you practically have to get naked to go through security! Take off your shoes, your jacket, your sweatshirt, your belt. And god forbid you bring a lap top. You have to unpack it from your carry on and scan it separately. AND your quart size bag of liquids that must be 3 ounces or less need to also come out of the carry on. Honestly, what is being accomplished?

About a year ago, I was flying out of Dulles and made the mistake of bringing a trial size body wash that was *gasp* 4 ounces. Well, despite having flown successfully with it about a half dozen times, it was taken away. I turned to the woman behind me in line and said, "don't you feel safer now?" I mean, seriously? The liquid thing feels like such a farce, and most of the screening process feels like theater. If I actually felt any safer, I would probably see it differently. But look at what happened on Christmas. And yes, I am sure there are many attempted attacks we hear nothing about because they are thwarted. But, then I don't hear about those! And intelligence probably plays a bigger role in preventing that stuff than TSA does...but, I digress.

All I know is that the TSA can learn a lot from El Al (the national airline of Israel). Let me tell you, I have been to Israel and they know their shit. The ticket counter people come up to you one by one as you wait in line and ask you a series of simple questions while staring at you incredibly intently. It's intimidating as all get out - but it's worked for them for a long time now. And I recently learned watching CNN (what do you know, I learned something watching CNN? That network is such a joke, but that's for another post.) that in Israel every single airport employee down to the parking attendants and janitors are trained to watch passenger behavior and report anything suspicious. Meanwhile, what is the rigorous training those TSA officials undergo? Seriously, does anyone know?

For the amount of money plane fare costs - not to mention the nickle and diming nature of air travel currently (paying for one checked bag?! RIDICULOUS) - it's amazing the indignities we all put up with.

I don't profess to know the answer. Obviously, there are real dangers in today's society and airplanes appear to be the weapon of choice for a lot of extremists. But, with all the technology we have today (HELLO I am FLYING and on the internet), there's got to be a better way.

This Bitch is Back - For Now

Hello, anyone who is still actually reading this after Elle and my long hiatus. Let me start by saying that I cannot promise we won't lapse again - we are busy bitches, but we will do our best.

So much has happened in the past two months, it is difficult to know where to start. I think the most logical place to begin is on the Jersey Shore.

Can I just say, wow. And not J-Woww - just wow. I thought the Real World cast was comprised of absurd stereotypes (BTW - RW DC is a HUGE let down), but those guidos and guidettes make any Real Worlder from any season look complex.

The absurd nicknames speak for themselves. It is the tanning addiction that really frightens me. Snooki is essentially an oompa loompa - well, an oompa loompa that decided to start hooking. And those guys - they spend more time in the salon than any woman I've ever met. Oh, and I would NOT want to have to clean out the nasty drains of thick hair and gallons of hair gel. But here's the kicker - THEY ARE COMING BACK FOR ANOTHER SEASON!

So there you have it, America is obsessed with fist-pumping, short, orange people whose vocabulary hasn't surpassed the 8th grade level. You know, with Jon and Kate Plus 8 off the air, this kind of makes sense. Clearly, viewers are craving 8 more tiny people to watch bumble around and speak like children, and America needed a new hair style to make fun of. Oh, and we needed 4 tattooed, douchy, Ed Hardy-wearing idiots to replace Jon.