Thursday, July 16, 2009

The Red Line is a Mess and, Bitch, You're Not Helping.

For those of you not from DC, the red line is very, very important. It runs through the middle of the city--including to the Senate side of the Capitol and the K Street corridor where the lobbyists work, it's one of the few lines that at no point has another line running parallel to it and, most importantly, it's where I both live and work.

There was a deadly crash on the red line recently and (this will sound callous) but it's made it really hard for me to get around. (I'm a selfish bitch. What?) Trains that once ran every 2 minutes now run every 8. When they pull up, they're often too full to get on. When you do get on a train, well, there's some cuddling going on.

As bad as this is, we're all in it together. Well, most of us. The following bitches are not helping the situation:
  • Purse whores. I don't know if you've noticed, but people get larger up top and are slimmer at the legs. Take your big ass bag and hold it in your hand by your knees rather than on your shoulder. Extra bitch points to chicks who are now carrying 2+ bags (what the hell do you have in there?!)
  • Train readers. I get it. I like to read on a long train ride too. However, when everyone's crowded in the train, you can't spread out your full Washington Post, deal with it.
  • Pole huggers. No, not strippers. I love strippers. I'm talking about the people who wrap their arms around the pole that one holds onto and press their body up against it (usually a corollary to reading the paper.) Do you not see that you're denying others a place to hold onto?! Some of us can't reach the bars on the ceiling. You're even more selfish than I am.
And to the girl on the train this morning that was all three, die.


  1. How can you get mad at girls carrying large bags (or two bags) without getting mad at fat people? They take up just as much space as that tiny girl with two giant bags, and its equally voluntary.

  2. Anyone who knows me knows I'm no fan of fat people, but there are a couple differences here:

    1) They can't adjust *where* they carry the extra mass.
    2) I'm having difficulty with the constantly-sitting-at-a-desk 15 (the Freshman 15 is a myth in comparison), so while it may be voluntary, I wouldn't call it equally voluntary.
    3) They're softer to press up against.

  3. Multi-baggers take care of themselves. Fatties sweat. QED.

  4. No mention of door crowders or left-side escalator standers? Of course, the 2-seater hogs are an entirely different class themseleves.

    I would also like to send out a special mention to the creepy old guys who stand next to cute girls just to "accidentally" bump into them, cop a feel, or stare down shirts like no one is ever meant to except the one wearing it...seriously, GROSS. And oh yeah, let us not forget the sweaty, smelly people who end up sticking their armpits in your face.

    Oh Metro, why does our relationship have to be this way?

  5. As Metro tendencies are a common source of Tami and I's ranting, be assured, this is not the last post.

    At some point I will have to discuss strollers on Metro, and it's all downhill from there.