Happy Halloween, Fellow Bitches!

Oh Internet, How I Love You

As is often a favorite topic of conversation, friends and I were discussing my 38 year old brother's 22 year old girlfriend. We went on an amusing journey through her unprotected Facebook photos and stumbled upon fugly internet gold. Please enjoy.

me: her friend designs ugly ass clothes, wow
Wen: i'm so glad i left the south
me: f'ing tell me about it. look at these ugly ass clothes http://www.facebook.com/search/?q=Devan+Logan&init=quick#/photo.php?pid=79795&id=100000227014223
Wen: ok gross. why did you show me that
me: because it's like a car wreck...can't look away and want to point it out to others
Wen: it wasn't a joke. i thought it was, but it's a real advertisement for someone's design. And it looks like they used a camera phone to take the shot
me: right?!
Wen: it looks like a ten year old's art project
me: I know!
Wen: it looks like a picture someone would display in a picture frame made out of Popsicle sticks
me: hahaha
me: Oh, wait wait...yes! http://copelanddesigns.com/
Wen: they look like costumes
me: http://www.myspace.com/copeland_designs
Wen: OH DEAR GOD
me: oh god, it's just so good. I hate to admit this, but Devan dresses well; there's no way she likes this shit
Wen: how can anyone?? i know hippies who might, but they pull it off better
me: what are you talking about, I love brightly colored taffeta on fat girls
Wen: i'm gonna wrap this tulle around me and tie the ends in a ribbon that mounts on my head!
me: fashion!
Wen: birthday cake chic

There, there Ashlee...

C'mon over, we'll split a bottle of champagne, and Tami and I will admire your nose job. (Seriously, that schnoz is a thing of beauty.)

For those that missed the news (and apologies, Tami and I have been under a rock, so we didn't deliver it), Ms. Simpson-Wentz was cut from New Melrose Place, as was Colin Egglesfield (Auggie).

Now, my fellow bitch and I are split on New 90210, but we both agree that New Melrose Place is delicious. It's properly scandalous, the characters are kind of great, Katie Cassidy--despite sometimes being styled ridiculously--is awesome, and it pays great homage to the original without, as Tami pointed out, relegating the new folks to supporting characters the way New 90210 misstepped in the beginning. It's just really good bad TV.

That said, Ashlee Simpson-Wentz pretty much sucks ass. She's just a real bad actress. I think Tyra Banks was her acting instructor, because she spends most of her time on that show "smizing" and overall it reads as crazy eyes. And her character is also genuinely off-putting, which isn't at all her fault, but is still just unfortunate for her. BUT she plays Sydney Andrews daughter, and there's not a person on this planet who looks more like the spawn of Laura Leighton. And it's not like the actors and actresses on the original 90210 or Melrose Place were gifted thespians. These shows can carry a few bad actors.

So is it a smart move on the part of the show? I'm just not sure. I guess it really depends on how they wrap up the Sydney Andrews murder drama. But I will says that on multiple occasions I've recommended to a friend that she watch New Melrose Place, and she's responded that she would, but Ashlee Simpson-Wentz is on it, so how good can it be? If the chick is dragging down ratings, I support the show's producers, because letting this thing get canceled would be a travesty for humanity. I'm only half kidding.

As for Colin Egglesfield, I didn't know his name until this story broke, but I'm in serious anguish. He was, without question, the hottest thing on that show. I love the dark, broody, motor-cycle riding type. He was going to replace the Dylan McKay crush I've held onto for way too long.

Important News!

There is a cause for concern: hand sanitizer shortage! Oh. My. God.

I kind of love H1N1...if only for bringing us pictures like this:

We're Turning 100

This here is our hundredth post. Tami and I thought long and hard about what it should be--something that encompassed the blog up to this point while speaking to the enormity of life, love and the universe...

Then, we came in contact with this gent, and we thought "fuck it."
Wish you'd all been there, both to witness his full George-Michael-wardrobe-meets-Flock-of-Seagulls-hair glory, and to see us trying to surreptitiously take a picture of him.

We really appreciate all of our readers, from our old friends with their sassy comments and topic suggestions to the new folks we've e-met. Here's a cheers to y'all, the start of Ugg season, and the next hundred posts, likely to feature many pictures of Ugg-abusers.

Thanks again to the fashion victims and our readers who love them,
Tami and Elle

Stand Up for Equality

I am going to follow Elle's suit and do a rare, serious post on a political issue that's been bugging the hell out of me, and I feel like ranting about.

When Prop 8 actually passed in California, I honestly felt sick to my stomach. I could not believe that people could really vote to "Eliminate the right of same sex couples to marry." People voted to eliminate the rights of other human beings. It's disgusting.

What's even more disgusting are the narrow-minded, homophobic, and hypocritical arguments employed by the religious right against same-sex marriage.

For example (and this is a popular one), it would harm the institution of marriage. Let me translate this for you:

Your heterosexual marriage will somehow be less valid if we allow same sex couples the same rights.

That is just absurd. First of all, marriage is nothing more than a societal construct and tax shelter. It isn't some union ordained by god. In fact, it used to come with a dowry so that men could get some value out of having daughters - it was a business transaction! Furthermore, if anything is harmful to the "institution of marriage" it's the fact that Britney Spears can get married for 56 hours on some bender in Vegas to a guy with the same real name as George from Seinfeld.

Next, people like to say, "if we let a man marry a man or a woman marry a woman, what's next? Will I be able to marry my dog or my toaster?" My response to anyone who actually asked me that would as follows:

Sir/ma'am, the fact that it even crosses your mind to marry your dog or toaster makes me very concerned for you. Furthermore, I cannot believe you are equating a human being with a dog or toaster - and I don't give a crap what Leviticus says about it.

Finally, there is the argument about how it will lead to the degradation of the American family - because then same-sex couples will be able to more easily adopt unwanted children who will otherwise potentially live our the rest of their days in foster care or worse. Please, please homophobic religious conservatives, save the children from a loving set of parents who will provide for them and give them a real home! After all, how can anyone possibly be happy and healthy with 2 moms or 2 dads? It must be better for them to live in foster care or group homes.

It is also shocking to me on the prop 8 front that the two groups who helped pass this horrible proposition are two groups that not that long ago were persecuted with regard to marriage. African Americans voted in huge numbers to pass prop 8 - and it wasn't that long ago that anti-miscegenation laws were still on the books. And, of course, the LDS church threw insane amounts of money at this campaign. Mormons - who were also persecuted for their marriage practices - you know, polygamy? Wasn't that long ago in the grand scheme that Mormons were polygamists...

If religious conservatives don't want to allow same sex couples to get "married," then the state should get out of the f***ing marriage business. We all get domestic partnerships (with the same partner benefits and tax credits) or we all get marriage. I am sure there is some legal nuance I am getting wrong here, but didn't Brown v The Board of Education of Topeka Kansas tell us that the doctrine of separate but equal is inherently unequal?

If you live in DC and feel like I do about this issue, then I would like to encourage you to come out and show your support. There's a march Sunday starting at 11 am. Now, I avoided every single protest in my 4 years at Berkeley - so I am not some crazy, protesting, bleeding heart. But, I think it's important that people turn out and finally say it's time to get our heads out of our asses and give all of our citizens equal rights. This isn't about sexuality - it's about equality.

And While We're at It...

Washingtonian is doing their annual restaurant poll as well.

I nominate Art and Soul for worst service, worst value, most overrated and most overpriced.

For the record, places that made repeat appearances on my list (doubt this will shock anyone): Komi, Dino, Pesce, Bistrot du Coin, Granville Moore's, Blue Duck Tavern, good ole Open City, and of course Cake Love.

Vote on voters...I think there may be a free dinner in it for you.

Endorsements: Express Night Out Best of DC

Express Night Out is doing their annual Best of DC poll. Please god, let us influence your votes.

For our non-DC readers (miss you, Cali kids), the Express is owned by The Washington Post and is like the Reader's Digest condensed version of the daily paper that they give you for free on the metro every morning to distract you from starting fights with bitches who try to bludgeon you with umbrellas.

The format, as always, is 8 billion categories, each with multiple choice options and a write in option. The multiple choice options say more to me about each restaurant's publicist than any establishment's eminence in any given category. The five or six given as options are definitely not the five or six best establishments in each category.

How do I know? Aside from being on a never-ending restaurant tour of this city, fucking Art and Soul has gotten themselves listed in a nausea-inducing number of categories. Seriously, Art and Soul, you're terrible, and the only way you get yourself in so many categories has got to be by still having your publicist on staff from your opening.

So, I do encourage you to vote:

1. For anyone but Art and Soul in every category they appear in
2. For Dino as best Italian restaurant
3. For this here blog as a total long shot write in for "Local Blog" way down the list under "Home & Away"

Also, I would never force someone's hand on declaring the single best restaurant in D.C., but from my perspective, nothing touches Komi. And Art and Soul definitely doesn't come close (seriously, what the hell are they doing listed in that category?)

Advocate for your faves in comments. I'm particularly interested to hear which cupcakery folks prefer and how you're voting in the sushi category since Sushi Taro underwent it's metamorphosis.

Why Am I Still Watching The Hills?

Every time I turn it on, my fiance runs out of the room screaming that watching even a second of that crap is causing him to lose brain cells (and whenever I would watch one of the VH1 "of Love" shows, he said I was giving the Tivo herpes), and I agree. It's a vile show about horrible, vapid people. Yet, I cannot stop watching.

A new season started last week, and its star (who incidentally made more than 100K an episode) has decided to live life off camera for a while. Meanwhile, fame whore Kristin Cavallari (who refused to honor contractual obligations to appear on Laguna Beach after graduating) failed at her attempted acting career and has set her sights on the role of Hills villain. It is honestly the only explanation for her behavior. Who starts a fight the second time they meet someone out of the blue?! If there were any doubt (there wasn't) that The Hills is scripted, it's gone now.

And then there is "King" Spencer Pratt. The guy is a douche rocket. And yet, he is sort of an evil genius. He practically has a weekly segment on The Soup, gets magazine covers left and right, and has only recently been eclipsed by Jon Gosselin as Perez Hilton's favorite guy to draw penises on. (Hey, Perez - it's still on, BTW. And if Jon Gosselin is so offensive, STOP GIVING THE GUY FREE PRESS!) He went from being nobody to being as famous as any legitimate celebrity. People who would never watch The Hills know who he is. Anderson Cooper has even talked about him!

I think the reason I cannot stop watching The Hills is that there is some sort of black magic going on. Maybe there are subliminal messages recorded under that lame instrumental music they play for the "previously on The Hills" recap at the beginning of each episode. For such a reviled show, it does well enough to pay its cast obscene salaries for essentially nothing. Adam DiVello seriously has made a deal with the devil, and I hope he rots in hell for cursing the American public with the phenomenon known as "Speidi" and for all the brain cells his program has cost me.

I Made it All the Way Through Gossip Girl...

Unlike Tami, and there's something really wrong with Tyra Banks.

She played her usual character: over-acted hysteria and high maintenance behavior. But wait! That's not who she really is, she's just been manipulated and taken advantage of by all of her handlers! Snore. I've already seen this character on ANTM and the Tyra Banks Show. Yes Tyra, you're very misunderstood...you and every 15 year-old girl in America.

Also, HilDuff looks chunky. She got too thin for a minute there, but she's swung too far the other way now. Or maybe it was just the heinous styling.

(In contrast, shout out to LH who sat next to the beautiful and fabulous Blake Lively at lunch today.)

Hey, I Know Those Asses!

So I have two friends who dress up as donkeys to attend Nationals games. They routinely get attention - but this is big time. You should be proud, boys. I know lots of people who would kill for a placement in the Post (and it appeared in print too).

Do I Really Need to Explain My Problem with This?

There are many things that horrify me about people on the metro. I'm honestly shocked I haven't talked about more of them yet. Just in general, people think it's OK to act in barely imaginable selfish ways. But something happened today that even I've never seen.

I was doing my usual rush hour commute and the red line was crowded, as usual. I only live 2 stops from work, so it's fairly easy to put up with, but the stop in between work and home (Dupont) is particularly busy. When we got there, several people got on and off, and simply to get out of the way, I took one of the seats by the door.

These seats are the ones with ads behind them that run parallel to the train wall, rather than in perpendicular rows. The point is, sitting in these seats, you're facing out towards those who are standing. The woman standing over me first leaned in to get a good look at the ad behind me...and breathe on my forehead. I let it go.

She then proceeded to take her medium sized umbrella and propped the end of it onto her thigh, holding onto the handle part with her hand, extending her arm away from her body. That is to say, she created a triangle--her thigh and torso make up one leg of the triangle, her arm them creates the angles and forms the second leg, and the umbrella that she is holding and digging into her thigh create the base. It's also protruding threateningly at my throat.

In general, I'm very protective of my throat...too many episodes of Buffy when I was young. Aware of my over sensitivity, I tried hard to let this go--after all, it was only one stop. But then, due to a train stopped in front of us, our train came to a sudden stop and this womanbrella lurched dangerously close to my neck/face. I said to her, "excuse me?" She looked at me confused. Unsure how to explain this, I gestured at her umbrella--still conspicuously in my personal space--and mumbled "I, um..." She still seemed unconcerned.

So, I thought about it. I decided to use my "I" words. Instead of saying, "you're about to jab me in the throat with your umbrella!" I gestured to the umbrella and said, "having that there makes me nervous." (See, totally took responsibility for my feelings...that therapist I had for 3 sessions when I was 6 would be so proud.) That bitch responded by looking at me, looking at her umbrella, rolling her eyes, and saying sarcastically, "Well I certainly wouldn't want you to feel nervous."

Seriously?! Seriously?! It wasn't even raining today. And even if you weren't about to assault me with your umbrella, is there some reason you can't hold the umbrella vertically at your side like a normal person? I too love pointy objects digging into my thigh (seriously, what the fuck?), but could you perhaps not take up unnecessary space on a crowded metro? What don't people understand about this? Drop your shit down to your side, make yourself as small as possible, and try to understand that everyone else has to get home/to work as well and you're not uniquely entitled to an undue amount of space. Too easy.

Gossip Girl: A Case Study in Why Stunt Casting Is A Bad Idea

Before I get to GG, and the overacting mess that is Tyra Banks, I want to share something from my latest issue of Entertainment Weekly that really got me thinking. EW asserted an old adage: Stars don't make TV - TV makes stars. I wish I could find a link to the article to share with you, but it appears that it is only in the print version of the magazine and not their Web site. So, I will give you the highlights. Recently, Christian Slater, Heather Graham and Hugh Jackman were all cast in shows that were off the air as quickly as they appeared. Before Friends, all the members of the cast were struggling actors who might have looked vaguely familiar (e.g. Courtney Cox from her stint on Family Ties). Friends made them HUGE. And Friends provides a good segue to talk about stunt casting.

When done well, there is nothing wrong with an occasional big name dropping by a show for February sweeps. In fact, when done well, it usually results in an Emmy for said big name (see: William Shatner on The Practice). But an endless parade of guest stars gets you no where, and it just shows your writers are running out of ideas (see: J-Lo, Janet Jackson and a million other randoms on Will & Grace).

But stunt casting is the worst when you don't even swing for the fences with your guest stars. And that brings me to tonight's episode of Gossip Girl. Tonight, viewers were treated to both Hilary Duff and Tyra Banks. I really wish there were a better way to convey sarcasm, but let me spell if out for you. By "treated," I actually mean tortured to two terrible performances. And, I have to be honest, I didn't even make it through the entire episode. When Tyra had her first scene, I had to turn off the TV and immediately shower - because I felt so dirty for tuning in.

Hilary Duff is wooden and her teeth are still distracting. Honestly, the girl should stick to singing (sue me, I kinda found Wake Up sort of catchy) and Disney fare - where they honestly don't care if you can act. I mean, she is playing an actress and she is unconvincing! You know something - all those "big actresses" who got their start with Disney all kind of suck in real roles. The Duffster, Lindsay Lohan, Miley Cyrus, Vanessa Hudgens...the list goes on, but I digress.

And then there is Tyrant. She fancies herself an actress, but bitch, please. She habitually overacts - and those poor girls on ANTM when she offers them an acting "teach" - they are just screwed. She is supposed to play this impossible diva on GG, but the funny part is they didn't just cast her as Tyra. Now, had she been cast to play herself, we might have had something here. But, as a character actress, she is just unwatchable.

Yet, there is a bigger problem with stunt casting than casting sub-par stars to drive ratings. It often signals the beginning of the end - the jumping of the shark that Elle referenced recently. It's like a harbinger of a show death - sometimes the death is slow (again, see: Will & Grace) and sometimes it is rather sudden (see:Betty White on My Name is Earl - yeah, that's canceled).

I used to really enjoy GG. I put it in the guilty pleasure category. It was frothy and silly. I clearly have a soft spot for shows about pretty people and their epic problems. But, this latest episode - combined with that awkward transition to college that almost no show does well - has got me wondering if I have one less thing to Tivo.

It's Hard Out There for A Cal Fan

I know quite a few Cal fans read this blog, but I am willing to hazard a guess that most of Elle's friends were not around for the dreaded Holmoe years. I learned as a wee freshman that being a Cal fan is rife with disappointment and heartbreak.

But, after the most abysmal year (our 1-10 season where our only victory was a post-season game with Rutgers that had to be rescheduled because of 9/11) I think in Cal's history (but, if I am wrong, I am sure someone will straighten me out - I don't want to do the Google search, deal with it), we were given a gift in the form of Jeff Tedford. He has been deified by all Cal fans - including Elle - and with good reason. He brought Cal football back from the brink.

But, it is still Cal football. And that means there will always be disappointment. The Bears can snatch defeat from the jaws of victory - I have seen it with my own eyes many times. For all you Cal fans that read what us bitches think, I wanted to share this piece that a friend of mine found in the Wall Street Journal. I think it summarizes the Cal fan experience quite nicely. Thanks GM!

Make no mistake, I will never lose faith in my Bears. And, I hope to see them play in the Rose Bowl sometime soon (and I hope I can afford the tickets when they finally do). Sadly, I also will never be surprised when another promising season doesn't turn out as I hoped.

What Else Is Wrong with Tyra Banks

It is well-established that both Elle and I find Tyrant Banks incredibly irritating and plan to write about her often. So, consider this "What's Wrong with Tyra Banks" to be somewhat of a regular column.

Elle was spot-on in her earlier recap of this week's ANTM. The whole scarf thing was ridiculous. Tyrant's set-ups for photo shoots are just getting lamer and lamer (i.e. more and more about her life and experiences). The girls are constantly "embodying" something ludicrous like natural disasters, political issues, and Tyra before she goes to bed.

But I still cannot get over the whole premise of this particular season. Girls under 5'7'' get a shot to be America's Next Top Model, and Tyra gets their undying devotion for giving them this amazing opportunity. But that's not the weirdest part. The weirdest part is that Tyra lets them all wear flats to judging. See, during a normal season, the "short girls" - the ones that are 5'7'' - are routinely chastised for wearing flats to judging. They are told that because their height already puts them at a disadvantage, they should be living in heels. I somehow think they were actually barred from wearing heels this season. I think Tyra - in her never-ending effort to "change the industry" - forbids them from wearing heels. But, I think it's more about her ability to tower over them at her height, plus stilettos, so she can remind them that she is, as Elle posits, America's Next (and only) Top Model.

At Heart, I'm Really Just a 12-Year-Old Boy

My fellow bitch, friends, and co-workers attended a fundraiser dinner last night, just to see precisely how DC we can be. The answer, for me, is not very.

The first speaker was conveying her experience as a child laborer in the agricultural industry. She reminisced, "I remember getting out of bed, lacing up my boots, grabbing my hoe..." I lost it. Seriously, I'm 12. I lost it and could not recover, because I managed to get a picture in my head of this little girl, dressed in the most outlandish pimp costume ever, grabbing her "ho" (affectionately named Candy by AO) and chiding her for being late.

Discussing my immature sense of humor with WHG led to further terrible euphemisms about ploughing, planting seeds and trimming bush. Which reminded me that I haven't publicly reacted with shock and horror to this commercial...



WHG: "I was horrified...obviously those plants should have completely disappeared."

Not to worry, ladies. The male version:



Hey gents, making it look taller doesn't change the way it feels, but it does cut down on the BJ flossing, sooo thanks Gillette?