Suck it.
I'm totally serious, you're a douche. It's one thing to create a pseudonym, be a regular blog reader, and establish a personality through comments. That's participation and it's a creative endeavor on its own--we're down for it. True confession, Elle isn't my real name and neither Tami nor I are Heather Locklear or Kristen Davis. (I know you're all shocked.)
But if you can't even come up with a name besides anonymous and you're going to nit pick posts, I'll say it again, you can suck it.
Are we going to have the occasional typo? Sure. We have jobs, relationships, friends, television and shopping habits, and cooking skills. This blog isn't our life, it's our hobby. I claim that's why I accidentally called Rice-a-Roni "Hamburger Helper." But that's all a far damn cry from Perez Hilton--his blog is his job and apparently his only passion in life and he still manages to have 8 times the typos.
And "Anonymous," if you really want to get into it "Interesting that there are typos in this very blog" is a fragment, and what follows is a totally ridiculous use of an ellipses. Don't bring out the grammar bitch in me.
This isn't the blog war we intended to start, but a good bitch loves conflict. The long story short is that we're not going to start obsessing for the amusement of an anonymous commenter who has no point for the myriad of reasons listed above. But we are going to mock you mercilessly.
Also, seriously, suck it.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
I Think I've Isolated Tyra Banks's Pathology
(Yes, we're going to rip on Tyra on a weekly basis. Those who object will be banned from the readership.)
Tyra believes that she is America's Next Top Model. This is the problem. Every cycle, when she says "one of you will be America's Next Top Model," what she means is "I am America's top model and none of you little bitches will ever challenge my title." This is why no one on that show ever goes on to modeling success.
How else do you explain her appearing between each girl's photo shoot--shot by Tyra, of course. Memo to the Tyrant, being a model doesn't make you a photographer. Deal with it. Get me Annie Leibovitz--wearing different colored head scarves, talking about the girls' performance, doing crazy shit with the scarves and making her ridiculous accents. And of course, there were choice self-love quotes (from memory):
"The reason you had to unwrap my whole body from that huge scarf is because you're going to wear head scarves in your photo shoot." Right, because that makes sense. Clearly the same thing.
"You're going to wear head scarves, so you're going to look like me when I go to bed." Yes Tyra, you and every other chick with your hair type, which is roughly an entire ethnic group.
"I was really excited to shoot Ashley because she was my girl that I found on my talk show and now I'm shooting her during my television show." Fuck it, Ashley wins.
Tyra, look into shock therapy.
Jay Manuel is actually a totally decent art director. I don't know how he puts up with this.
And what the balls is Tyra (and Hillary Duff at that) doing on Gossip Girl next week? I feel a shark jump coming on.
Tyra believes that she is America's Next Top Model. This is the problem. Every cycle, when she says "one of you will be America's Next Top Model," what she means is "I am America's top model and none of you little bitches will ever challenge my title." This is why no one on that show ever goes on to modeling success.
How else do you explain her appearing between each girl's photo shoot--shot by Tyra, of course. Memo to the Tyrant, being a model doesn't make you a photographer. Deal with it. Get me Annie Leibovitz--wearing different colored head scarves, talking about the girls' performance, doing crazy shit with the scarves and making her ridiculous accents. And of course, there were choice self-love quotes (from memory):
"The reason you had to unwrap my whole body from that huge scarf is because you're going to wear head scarves in your photo shoot." Right, because that makes sense. Clearly the same thing.
"You're going to wear head scarves, so you're going to look like me when I go to bed." Yes Tyra, you and every other chick with your hair type, which is roughly an entire ethnic group.
"I was really excited to shoot Ashley because she was my girl that I found on my talk show and now I'm shooting her during my television show." Fuck it, Ashley wins.
Tyra, look into shock therapy.
Jay Manuel is actually a totally decent art director. I don't know how he puts up with this.
And what the balls is Tyra (and Hillary Duff at that) doing on Gossip Girl next week? I feel a shark jump coming on.
Joel McHale is My Hero
Not only is the guy ridiculously cute (I have an affection for tall men), but he gets paid to mock bad television. And that has led to an opportunity to star in good television.
Now, I went to Berkeley (Go Bears!), and Berkeley is full of idealistic students who somehow do not realize that the 60s are over - and I am not just talking about the independent pharmaceutical distribution that the town is also famous for. No, I am talking about the pathological need some students have to re-create the Free Speech Movement.
So, that brings me to my love for Joel McHale - or at least his new show Community (but make no mistake - I love Joel McHale for who he is as well). On last week's episode, the students are so eager to be political in college that they host a protest to show their outrage over a journalist who was beaten to death in Guatemala - and had a pinata made to look like him for the protest. They finish the day's event with a silent protest and candle light vigil - you know, because silence=death and candles are dramatic.
Well, Joel McHale's character is trying to get with some generic, but attractive blond, so he pretends to care and joins the protest. Meanwhile, Chevy Chase's character gets super drunk and makes a scene. This is brilliant. Ah, reminds me of college.
Now, I went to Berkeley (Go Bears!), and Berkeley is full of idealistic students who somehow do not realize that the 60s are over - and I am not just talking about the independent pharmaceutical distribution that the town is also famous for. No, I am talking about the pathological need some students have to re-create the Free Speech Movement.
So, that brings me to my love for Joel McHale - or at least his new show Community (but make no mistake - I love Joel McHale for who he is as well). On last week's episode, the students are so eager to be political in college that they host a protest to show their outrage over a journalist who was beaten to death in Guatemala - and had a pinata made to look like him for the protest. They finish the day's event with a silent protest and candle light vigil - you know, because silence=death and candles are dramatic.
Well, Joel McHale's character is trying to get with some generic, but attractive blond, so he pretends to care and joins the protest. Meanwhile, Chevy Chase's character gets super drunk and makes a scene. This is brilliant. Ah, reminds me of college.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Trying to Start a Blog War
Perez Hilton is a tool. He is totally bought in to his own hype. Now, I am going to be honest. I absolutely check his blog daily. I don't know why, but I can't stop.
But, that does not mean I respect him or think he's a good writer. I mean, he has thousands (if not millions) of readers and his posts are riddled with typos. More than 90% of his posts are quotes pulled from actual news sources (read, glossy magazines and tabloids) and photos of celebs with penises or compliments drawn all over them. And seriously, with all the money he makes, can he not do a better job of building his site and integrating advertising?! His stupid ads make the blog annoying to read - well, more annoying than the shameless self-promotion and the ridiculous lingo he employs (faboosh!).
So, why would a self-proclaimed reader of this drivel attack him on a much less popular and read blog, you may ask? Well, I am hoping to start a blog war! Suck it, Perez! I mean, you know the narcissist has a Google Alert set up for himself, so he can see what others are saying. Maybe if I write enough nasty stuff about him, he will write nasty stuff about us, and then we'll get more readers (and some annoyingly integrated advertisements). Really, there's no downside here.
So, Perez Hilton, I challenge you to a blog duel. I can reprint "news" from Us Weekly and talk crap about Speidi as well as you can (and I can certainly do it with fewer typos and a more extensive vocabulary). So, whatcha made of Mario Armando Lavandeira? That's right, I called you out by the name your momma gave you. What do you think of that?
But, that does not mean I respect him or think he's a good writer. I mean, he has thousands (if not millions) of readers and his posts are riddled with typos. More than 90% of his posts are quotes pulled from actual news sources (read, glossy magazines and tabloids) and photos of celebs with penises or compliments drawn all over them. And seriously, with all the money he makes, can he not do a better job of building his site and integrating advertising?! His stupid ads make the blog annoying to read - well, more annoying than the shameless self-promotion and the ridiculous lingo he employs (faboosh!).
So, why would a self-proclaimed reader of this drivel attack him on a much less popular and read blog, you may ask? Well, I am hoping to start a blog war! Suck it, Perez! I mean, you know the narcissist has a Google Alert set up for himself, so he can see what others are saying. Maybe if I write enough nasty stuff about him, he will write nasty stuff about us, and then we'll get more readers (and some annoyingly integrated advertisements). Really, there's no downside here.
So, Perez Hilton, I challenge you to a blog duel. I can reprint "news" from Us Weekly and talk crap about Speidi as well as you can (and I can certainly do it with fewer typos and a more extensive vocabulary). So, whatcha made of Mario Armando Lavandeira? That's right, I called you out by the name your momma gave you. What do you think of that?
Vanity Pounds
A while ago Elle and I shared a conversation that we had about the phenomenon (common mostly to women) where you aren't fat, but you are fat for you. We were seeking help to name it. We got a couple suggestions from readers (thanks again), but nothing really encapsulated that feeling.
Well, last week I was talking with some friends. One friend had been reamed by his trainer for chewing a piece of sugarless gum. Now, given the recent diet I was on (and incidentally completely failed at), and the mounting evidence that artificial sweetener does contribute to weight gain, I semi-understood why the trainer freaked (However, one piece of gum? Really? It isn't like drinking a whole Diet Coke - or as I like to call it, the nectar of the Gods. But, I digress). Well, another friend said that it was funny his trainer freaked out, because on the Biggest Loser one of the tips the contestants are given is to chew gum. But, they are chewing gum to avoid eating a whole cake. These people have seriously weight to lose - in some cases half their body weight. They are basically one drive-thru trip away from diabetes or a heart attack. But, my friend (and most people I know) are simply trying to lose vanity pounds. That's why crap like sugarless gum matters! We have to go to extraordinary measures to lose a few pounds, because most of us are at a healthy weight.
So, that's my submission to the conversation. Let me know what you think. And, if the term vanity pounds catches on, I am totally trademarking it.
(Note to any attorneys - or recent bar takers like my fiance - I realize that I cannot actually trademark a terms without trademarking it for some product. Don't stifle my creativity with your endlessly annoying need to demonstrate legal knowledge. Go pick apart a procedural drama and leave our blog alone!)
UPDATE: Just informed by Elle that the term vanity pounds is kinda widely used. Whatever, the Donald tried to trademark "You're Fired!" so I am well within my rights here.
Well, last week I was talking with some friends. One friend had been reamed by his trainer for chewing a piece of sugarless gum. Now, given the recent diet I was on (and incidentally completely failed at), and the mounting evidence that artificial sweetener does contribute to weight gain, I semi-understood why the trainer freaked (However, one piece of gum? Really? It isn't like drinking a whole Diet Coke - or as I like to call it, the nectar of the Gods. But, I digress). Well, another friend said that it was funny his trainer freaked out, because on the Biggest Loser one of the tips the contestants are given is to chew gum. But, they are chewing gum to avoid eating a whole cake. These people have seriously weight to lose - in some cases half their body weight. They are basically one drive-thru trip away from diabetes or a heart attack. But, my friend (and most people I know) are simply trying to lose vanity pounds. That's why crap like sugarless gum matters! We have to go to extraordinary measures to lose a few pounds, because most of us are at a healthy weight.
So, that's my submission to the conversation. Let me know what you think. And, if the term vanity pounds catches on, I am totally trademarking it.
(Note to any attorneys - or recent bar takers like my fiance - I realize that I cannot actually trademark a terms without trademarking it for some product. Don't stifle my creativity with your endlessly annoying need to demonstrate legal knowledge. Go pick apart a procedural drama and leave our blog alone!)
UPDATE: Just informed by Elle that the term vanity pounds is kinda widely used. Whatever, the Donald tried to trademark "You're Fired!" so I am well within my rights here.
I Know Someone Who's Getting One of These...
This one is one of my favorites--and so thoroughly useful!--but there are several gems over on Etsy. Give them to someone you love to hate.
Take Your Taboo and Shove It...It Might Feel Good
I realize that most of the ideology in our posts is limited to the religion of hating Tyra Banks and worshiping the magic box that is television. This particular post will be a little more nakedly opinionated on current events and politics. If you're here for the funny, feel free to skip it, but I feel a rant coming on...
The American public amuses me to no end with our simultaneous ability to be both entertained and horrified, never more so than on the subject of sex. I love a good sex scandal, because all of the voyeurs who can't get enough of reading the story also have the humorous nerve to act outraged.
Political sex scandals I have no problem with, because they're usually exposing some hilarious form of hypocrisy. But really, the hypocrisy wouldn't exist in the first place if we weren't all so pent up about sex. Senators wouldn't have to deny that they're gay or occassionally like kinky sex acts that the well-bred wives they're forced to marry won't perform, forcing them into the discreet arms of a high-class hooker.
Life would be a lot better if we threw the puritanical opinion elite off a cliff and just admitted that sex is fun and any way you want to do it should be fine and no one's damn business. Let's look at the sex stories of late...
I already mentioned the McSteamy so-not-sex-to-my-incredible-disappointment tape. Good looking guy and his good looking wife want to get naked with a good looking ex-beauty queen and I would hope have a lot more fun than we saw on that tape, what do you care? Like you've never had a threesome fantasy? Really? Or made a sex tape with your partner? C'mon. I'll say it again: the only interest in that tape should be seeing attractive people naked. There really shouldn't be any incredible scandal to it.
Along the same lines, the front page, above the fold "exclusive" story in the Washington Times today (disclaimer: I'm forced to read that publication) is about how much porn the dear people over at the National Science Foundation look at at work. Personally, I'm not that comfortable looking at porn at work...I want to look at porn somewhere where it can do me some good, and alas, my office has a glass door and thin walls. But hey, if it works for you, rock on (so to speak.)
The larger point here, is that I don't have a problem with porn. Why should I? Why should anyone? I once heard that a family friend doesn't have internet in their house because the husband has a "porn problem." To which I have to wonder, what precisely would a problem with porn be? Fat people? That's a problem with porn for me.
And last but never least, dear ACORN. I don't really have a problem with them providing advice to prostitutes about how to report their profession to the IRS. In fact, had that been a real prostitute, I'd be impressed with her wanting to report her earnings. Prostitution should just be legal--it's good for tax coffers and for public health. Regulating the industry limits forced and under aged prostitution, it ensures condom use and regular STD checks, and it rids us of the capitalistic hypocrisy that you can profit from any unique skills you're willing to perform except sex.
I get that an entity that receives tax dollars shouldn't advise people on how to skirt the law--especially not these people--but the law is stupid, and disadvantageous to women and the poor, particularly because cops often can't prove prostitution and instead bust sex workers on tax evasion. But they definitely should have drawn the line when the suggestion turned to under aged and forced prostitution.
Long story short, sex has become intertwined with politics and with entertainment, but above all, it should be personal. If we all felt personally comfortable with our sexual selves, I doubt we'd need to make this stuff a big deal. The fact that it still is bugs me.
The American public amuses me to no end with our simultaneous ability to be both entertained and horrified, never more so than on the subject of sex. I love a good sex scandal, because all of the voyeurs who can't get enough of reading the story also have the humorous nerve to act outraged.
Political sex scandals I have no problem with, because they're usually exposing some hilarious form of hypocrisy. But really, the hypocrisy wouldn't exist in the first place if we weren't all so pent up about sex. Senators wouldn't have to deny that they're gay or occassionally like kinky sex acts that the well-bred wives they're forced to marry won't perform, forcing them into the discreet arms of a high-class hooker.
Life would be a lot better if we threw the puritanical opinion elite off a cliff and just admitted that sex is fun and any way you want to do it should be fine and no one's damn business. Let's look at the sex stories of late...
I already mentioned the McSteamy so-not-sex-to-my-incredible-disappointment tape. Good looking guy and his good looking wife want to get naked with a good looking ex-beauty queen and I would hope have a lot more fun than we saw on that tape, what do you care? Like you've never had a threesome fantasy? Really? Or made a sex tape with your partner? C'mon. I'll say it again: the only interest in that tape should be seeing attractive people naked. There really shouldn't be any incredible scandal to it.
Along the same lines, the front page, above the fold "exclusive" story in the Washington Times today (disclaimer: I'm forced to read that publication) is about how much porn the dear people over at the National Science Foundation look at at work. Personally, I'm not that comfortable looking at porn at work...I want to look at porn somewhere where it can do me some good, and alas, my office has a glass door and thin walls. But hey, if it works for you, rock on (so to speak.)
The larger point here, is that I don't have a problem with porn. Why should I? Why should anyone? I once heard that a family friend doesn't have internet in their house because the husband has a "porn problem." To which I have to wonder, what precisely would a problem with porn be? Fat people? That's a problem with porn for me.
And last but never least, dear ACORN. I don't really have a problem with them providing advice to prostitutes about how to report their profession to the IRS. In fact, had that been a real prostitute, I'd be impressed with her wanting to report her earnings. Prostitution should just be legal--it's good for tax coffers and for public health. Regulating the industry limits forced and under aged prostitution, it ensures condom use and regular STD checks, and it rids us of the capitalistic hypocrisy that you can profit from any unique skills you're willing to perform except sex.
I get that an entity that receives tax dollars shouldn't advise people on how to skirt the law--especially not these people--but the law is stupid, and disadvantageous to women and the poor, particularly because cops often can't prove prostitution and instead bust sex workers on tax evasion. But they definitely should have drawn the line when the suggestion turned to under aged and forced prostitution.
Long story short, sex has become intertwined with politics and with entertainment, but above all, it should be personal. If we all felt personally comfortable with our sexual selves, I doubt we'd need to make this stuff a big deal. The fact that it still is bugs me.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
What Someone Else Thinks Is Wrong with Tyra Banks
The good news for Tyra Banks: she was in Ad Age.
The bad news for Tyra Banks: the article is completely accurate.
Thanks MHS!
The bad news for Tyra Banks: the article is completely accurate.
Thanks MHS!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
I Love How I Met Your Mother But...
Why does Bob Saget do the voice over for Josh Radnor? I mean, Josh Radnor (Ted) is an adult. Does his voice change after fathering children? It made sense for Wonder Years - young Kevin was pre-pubescent. I just don't understand.
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