Sunday, November 8, 2009

Pardon Me, But I Believe You Have a Case of Bitchface

So, a couple weeks ago, a friend of mine got incredibly drunk and hooked up with some chick none of us had ever seen before at one of the alumni Cal game viewings. Not being as drunk as he was at the time, I tried to stop him. "Look," I pleaded, "she's not very cute. You're being fooled because you're very drunk, she's acting like she's attractive, and she's wearing tight clothes. In the morning, you're going to find that she's a couple sizes too big for those clothes and she has an ugly face." In the morning, he found that I was right.

Now, this girl is lame, and I guarantee you, you know someone like her. She is the kind of girl who wants very much to be perceived as cool, and so does a perpetual, over the top Regina George impression. She conspicuously gets up, walks around, makes a show of saying hello to multiple people, talks loudly... She's a trying too hard ho with bad skin and frizzy brown hair with a single streak of white highlight on the left side of her face and a real bad case of bitchface. Disgusting.

Well, she disappeared the following week, and we were all sort of hoping she was a collective bad dream...though the friend who hooked up with her knew differently, for she is also the type to purposely leave something behind in the hopes of getting a second date. Seriously, girl is gross.

But no no, she re-emerged the week after, got wicked drunk, kind of fell all over the place, and threw herself at the friend she'd hooked up with. Like not a little toss, full on threw herself to the point of getting jealous every time the friend talked to any of his female friends (myself included) and admonishing him for "paying attention to plain girls instead of her." Really, Ugly? Really?

Well, this week she was back (and the friend she hooked up with was not), and early on in the game, she made a loud announcement that she was tripping over things. Annoyed at her continued loud (and what I assumed was once again inebriated) behavior, I asked the two friends she'd made from our table if they could please stop bringing her. Next thing I know, I'm in the ladies room and the following conversation ensues (reconstructed to the best of my ability)...

Bitchface: I think we need a minute.
Me: I really don't think we do.
BF: Well, you said something kind of aggressive to my friends.
Me: I mean, I don't like you. I don't think we need a minute to discuss that.
BF: OK, but you don't even know me.
Me: Well, no, not well, but I still find you really annoying. And you were acting a drunk 'n bitchy fool last time I saw you.
BF: I wasn't drunk. Who are you to say when I'm drunk?
Me: OK, well, in that case you were acting like an idiot sober. Doesn't make it better.
BF: OK, I guess our personalities might clash, but I graduated before you, which means I have more right to alumni events than you do [eds note: this is your argument? really? I don't even know when she graduated or why I've never seen her at events pre-the bad idea hook up if that's the case, but she knows like maybe 5 people] so don't tell someone who's not even an alum and someone who graduated after me not to bring me places.
Me: I'm pretty sure I'll tell anyone anything I want, but thanks.
BF: Ok, well, you enjoy the game in your little Converse.
Me: Thanks, you enjoy it with your bad skin and your frizzy hair and your ugly highlight.

Now here's my question: Who the fuck has a problem with Converse?


  1. I think she's just jealous that your cute feet could fit into Converse and make them look good and her cankles can't.

    I wish I was there.

  2. oh my god, this girl is GOLD. i love how she insisted that she "graduated before you" to avoid having to say she's older than you.

    i might have pointed that out. just a thought ;-)

  3. No one can figure out when she graduated--least of all the friend who hooked up with her--but I think it was at most a year before me. Though, her face does seem to have the surface texture of a 35 year-old smoker.

    All of these things--and the fact that I'm pretty damn sure I've lived in DC for longer than her--make a dumb argument even dumber.

  4. Dude, I am REALLY sad I opted to use the restroom during the latter half of the convo. I missed out...


  5. hilarious and i love it - alumni bars are always tricky because there can always be some interesting ghosts from the past!

    oh and i am so rocking graffiti heart print converse RIGHT NOW. in class. in law school. yes, i am a badass.

  6. Seriously? This is what you write about? This sort of petty garbage is a waste of everyone's time...get a life.

  7. Ruby, this is what we write about, and our 1,500 readers seem to like it. If you feel it's a waste of your time, can I suggest you start a blog called "Nice girls sit at home and bitch about what's on other people's blogs?" I won't read it because I find Polyannaish whining to be a waste of *my* time, but I wish you all the best with it.