Spring has Sprung!

No, I'm not just talking about the drastically improved weather. It's March Madness, which Cal is in for the first time in, like, forever. And yet, that's still not what's really important. What's really important is that Fug Madness is happening over at Go Fug Yourself. Vote early, vote often.

THANK YOU, American Apparel!

All I Want for Oscars is Good Fashion

As previously mentioned, I treat award shows as a cross between a sport and a holiday. For Christmas, I want Burberry...and for the red carpet I want pretty much the same thing. I've been so busy bashing this year's movies that I haven't really gotten around to bashing this year's award show fashions.

So, a note to all you Hollywood starlets out there: no more dresses approximating your skin tone. Nothing else with oddly placed ruffles or applique. And just because Julie Andrews makes strange choices and decided to be in The Tooth Fairy for reasons that pass understanding, if your dress makes you look like Tinkerbell, just say no.

The makeup looked good. The hair we'll give a pass on since no one in LA knows how to handle rain, but come Oscars red carpet, we want to see real colors detailing that's interesting, not strange. If everyone could follow January Jones and Marion Cotillard (and my controversial pick, Kate Hudson)'s lead , that would be fantastic. Thanks.

Thanks, Recession!

So, the recession screwed many of us in many ways. You didn't necessarily need to lose your house or job to feel the effects...ask any law student hoping for the cushy summer associateships of years past.

But one way the recession helped us out was by scaring the hell out of retailers. Several stores have figured that students retain their disposable income, even in hard times, and have instituted student discounts. Club Monaco began offering a 20 percent discount last Spring, which I took advantage of like it was a drunk freshman. As of today, Banana Republic (we hear from a friend who works there) is up to the same thing, but at a 15 percent discount.

So, for those of us who have retained a student ID card via either scholastic achievement or trickery ("issued: 2005" looks just like "issued: 2008" with a little sharpie magic...and really, any salesperson who questions your graduation date can be easily thrown off the scent with near tears about how difficult your learning disability makes it to take a full course load), take advantage of your student status...to stock up on work clothes. (Sidenote, the BR discount also applies to teachers...you're welcome TFA folks.)

DC, We Need to Talk...

About your terrible fashion sense! Winter is upon us and generally one would think that folks would cover up against the cold. Apparently not.

I've been a fan of tights, particularly instead of leggings. They're difficult to confuse with pants (but just in case you wondered, NOT PANTS. Neither leggings nor tights are pants. It's very important that we all recognize this.) And, unlike leggings, they don't cut off height and make short gals (like myself) look shorter.

But the lycra abusers of this city can get all kinds of things wrong. Another thing leggings and tights don't do: make your skirt an appropriate length. Now I'll admit, tights can push that skirt that's on the border of being work appropriate or not over the edge if they're in the same color family and that color is muted, but if your ass is about to peek out of the bottom of your skirt, it doesn't make it ok if it's "covered" with tights. All of the following pictures were taken in the middle of a work day.

Besides having a whole lot of property with a very little real estate on top of it (that's my way of saying "fat ass in a little skirt"), this woman on a cold, windy, rainy day, has chosen to cover her legs with nothing but thin, brightly colored, ugly patterned tights. Patterned tights can be cute, but they can also go very very wrong. They tend to be better on darker colors and thicker tights. Tami once witnessed the most unfortunate patterned tights of all--skin toned pattern tights. Looks. Like. Leg fungus. Long story short, if in the slightest bit of doubt, just say no to patterned tights.



The pattern below is, at least, kind of amusing. I would argue that it's too loud to be work appropriate, and that skirt is unquestionably too short. And last but not least, while I have woken up late for work and thrown on layers of black and gray until I was convinced that there was enough pseudo-matching that it came back around on the other side of fine looking (like how communism becomes sort of like fascism if you go far enough left even though fascism is far right. What, that didn't clarify the theory?) But I'm pretty sure this gal got up, put herself together, and thought she was looking fab. Well honey, you're fat, sparkling and not matching. Also, we don't include faces on this blog, but she had some truly heinous highlights.


And, well, as long as we're taking pictures of people, TWINS!! Maybe shopping with our friends isn't a good idea. [Shrug]

Pardon Me, But I Believe You Have a Case of Bitchface

So, a couple weeks ago, a friend of mine got incredibly drunk and hooked up with some chick none of us had ever seen before at one of the alumni Cal game viewings. Not being as drunk as he was at the time, I tried to stop him. "Look," I pleaded, "she's not very cute. You're being fooled because you're very drunk, she's acting like she's attractive, and she's wearing tight clothes. In the morning, you're going to find that she's a couple sizes too big for those clothes and she has an ugly face." In the morning, he found that I was right.

Now, this girl is lame, and I guarantee you, you know someone like her. She is the kind of girl who wants very much to be perceived as cool, and so does a perpetual, over the top Regina George impression. She conspicuously gets up, walks around, makes a show of saying hello to multiple people, talks loudly... She's a trying too hard ho with bad skin and frizzy brown hair with a single streak of white highlight on the left side of her face and a real bad case of bitchface. Disgusting.

Well, she disappeared the following week, and we were all sort of hoping she was a collective bad dream...though the friend who hooked up with her knew differently, for she is also the type to purposely leave something behind in the hopes of getting a second date. Seriously, girl is gross.

But no no, she re-emerged the week after, got wicked drunk, kind of fell all over the place, and threw herself at the friend she'd hooked up with. Like not a little toss, full on threw herself to the point of getting jealous every time the friend talked to any of his female friends (myself included) and admonishing him for "paying attention to plain girls instead of her." Really, Ugly? Really?

Well, this week she was back (and the friend she hooked up with was not), and early on in the game, she made a loud announcement that she was tripping over things. Annoyed at her continued loud (and what I assumed was once again inebriated) behavior, I asked the two friends she'd made from our table if they could please stop bringing her. Next thing I know, I'm in the ladies room and the following conversation ensues (reconstructed to the best of my ability)...

Bitchface: I think we need a minute.
Me: I really don't think we do.
BF: Well, you said something kind of aggressive to my friends.
Me: I mean, I don't like you. I don't think we need a minute to discuss that.
BF: OK, but you don't even know me.
Me: Well, no, not well, but I still find you really annoying. And you were acting a drunk 'n bitchy fool last time I saw you.
BF: I wasn't drunk. Who are you to say when I'm drunk?
Me: OK, well, in that case you were acting like an idiot sober. Doesn't make it better.
BF: OK, I guess our personalities might clash, but I graduated before you, which means I have more right to alumni events than you do [eds note: this is your argument? really? I don't even know when she graduated or why I've never seen her at events pre-the bad idea hook up if that's the case, but she knows like maybe 5 people] so don't tell someone who's not even an alum and someone who graduated after me not to bring me places.
Me: I'm pretty sure I'll tell anyone anything I want, but thanks.
BF: Ok, well, you enjoy the game in your little Converse.
Me: Thanks, you enjoy it with your bad skin and your frizzy hair and your ugly highlight.

Now here's my question: Who the fuck has a problem with Converse?

Oh Internet, How I Love You

As is often a favorite topic of conversation, friends and I were discussing my 38 year old brother's 22 year old girlfriend. We went on an amusing journey through her unprotected Facebook photos and stumbled upon fugly internet gold. Please enjoy.

me: her friend designs ugly ass clothes, wow
Wen: i'm so glad i left the south
me: f'ing tell me about it. look at these ugly ass clothes http://www.facebook.com/search/?q=Devan+Logan&init=quick#/photo.php?pid=79795&id=100000227014223
Wen: ok gross. why did you show me that
me: because it's like a car wreck...can't look away and want to point it out to others
Wen: it wasn't a joke. i thought it was, but it's a real advertisement for someone's design. And it looks like they used a camera phone to take the shot
me: right?!
Wen: it looks like a ten year old's art project
me: I know!
Wen: it looks like a picture someone would display in a picture frame made out of Popsicle sticks
me: hahaha
me: Oh, wait wait...yes! http://copelanddesigns.com/
Wen: they look like costumes
me: http://www.myspace.com/copeland_designs
Wen: OH DEAR GOD
me: oh god, it's just so good. I hate to admit this, but Devan dresses well; there's no way she likes this shit
Wen: how can anyone?? i know hippies who might, but they pull it off better
me: what are you talking about, I love brightly colored taffeta on fat girls
Wen: i'm gonna wrap this tulle around me and tie the ends in a ribbon that mounts on my head!
me: fashion!
Wen: birthday cake chic

We're Turning 100

This here is our hundredth post. Tami and I thought long and hard about what it should be--something that encompassed the blog up to this point while speaking to the enormity of life, love and the universe...

Then, we came in contact with this gent, and we thought "fuck it."
Wish you'd all been there, both to witness his full George-Michael-wardrobe-meets-Flock-of-Seagulls-hair glory, and to see us trying to surreptitiously take a picture of him.

We really appreciate all of our readers, from our old friends with their sassy comments and topic suggestions to the new folks we've e-met. Here's a cheers to y'all, the start of Ugg season, and the next hundred posts, likely to feature many pictures of Ugg-abusers.

Thanks again to the fashion victims and our readers who love them,
Tami and Elle

Damn You, J. Crew

Seriously, J. Crew has 40 pages of sale items online at this very moment. But there is nothing on the sale walls in the store. And it's all final sale. I have no problem with final sale, but usually I can try stuff on. I don't want to spend the money only to find out something doesn't fit me. Do the stores just send all their sale merchandise away? Why must they torment me?

Can Sports Bras Rightly Be Called Lingerie?

I don't have a big feministy problem with this, but I don't really get why it's a big deal. Guys play football "shirts and skins" all the time. I used to practice soccer in attire that wasn't much different. The chicks in the pictures with bellybutton rings worry me a little...that doesn't seem safe.

Overall, I'm for it. I'm for women having the choice to play whatever sport they want wearing whatever they want. But seriously, take out your bellybutton ring.

Wrong. Bad. Bad. Wrong. No. No. No.

The leggings topic is stalking me.

Fellow PR chick KA sent me a media request from HARO for VIVmag.com. (Sidenote: Ideeli, this is where you advertise?! Our readers are much more your target audience and our rates are incredibly reasonable.) The request read:

I'm looking for fashion experts who can offer advice to women 35+ on how to make the leggings trend work for them. For women who think they're too old or too short, who think they're legs aren't good enough, or their style is too traditional, what are some tips to adding leggings to their wardrobe, including the best brands, styles, patterns, colors to wear.

Well, Shelley Levitt, reporter for VIVmag.com that gets advertisers that it totally doesn't deserve, I don't know that I can be considered an expert, but allow me to take a stab at answering your questions.

First, there is definitely too old to wear leggings--you don't want to look too trying-hard-trendy. Age appropriately. This is why Vogue does the age issue.

There is also definitely too short. Short girls have to be very careful not to cut off their height with leggings.

As for good legs, well, here I have a question: when we say "leggings trend" are we talking leggings as pants or are we talking leggings under skirts? Leggings under skirts can actually hide bad legs pretty decently, but you have to be able to pull off the look, and there's an age limit on it. If we're talking leggings as pants, well, if you have fatty legs, don't fucking wear leggings as pants. In fact, even if you just have normal legs, most times you shouldn't wear leggings as pants. (And yes, acknowledged, many would say never to wear leggings as pants.)

Brands? Well, they're f'ing leggings. Basic black from Old Navy for $6 will work. Just wash them in cold water. Don't wear patterns. Or I'll find you. Just to be safe, as AO advised, just wearing tights...not as pants.

I kind of want to check for this article when it comes out...but I don't want to drive up VIVmag.com's viewer numbers and subsequent advetising rates. Hmmm...

On Skinny Jeans: Proof that We Read Our Comments

Recently, BellaNutella asked us the following in comments:

How do we feel about skinny jeans? more coverage and hold than leggings, but are they still offensive? I'm hoping the answer is no, as I've spotted a nice black pair at BR; however, I'm counting on you Bitches to tell me the truth!

Well Bella, you're in luck because bitches always tell the truth. The truth about skinny jeans is that only (and this may be generous) 5% of the population can pull them off while closer to 35% of the population believes they can pull them off.

I don't object on principle, but the very simple fact is that skinny jeans were invented for, shocking though this might be, the skinny. And not just the normal skinny, the freakish model skinny. They're one of those things that should only be available in sizes 00, 0, 2 and maybe 4 (but only for the tall) just to save people from themselves. It's like when you see a tight fitting dress in a size large and you pray that the store won't sell any for the benefit of your eyes. I say if no one above a size small should wear it, you just shouldn't make a larger size at all...for society.

As for me, I'm a size 4 and I cannot pull off the skinny jean. Anyone who has hips and thighs just shouldn't try. Skinny jeans are the skinny legged, knock kneed girls' revenge from when they were picked on in middle school. To tell if you're in the should or should not group, try on a pair of skinny jeans. If (1) your inner thighs touch each other when you stand with your feet shoulder width apart or (2) there is any rounding from the thighs just above the knee then you're in the 95% of the population with me and you'll have to give up on the dream. Bella, I could be wrong, so take the test above, but my inclination is that, knowing you as I do, you have more womanliness to you than a 12 year old boy and, as a result, skinny jeans are not for you...or for most people who wear larger than an A-cup.

If you do qualify to wear skinny jeans, please, for the love of god, wear the proper footwear with them. Tennis shoes are a no. Really, not anything you'd need to wear socks with. Converse maybe. Generally, go for a simple flat...ballet shoe-esque. Like the overplayed Tory Burch slides...but something not so over played. If they're the type that bunch at the bottom, you can wear heels. Otherwise, heel with caution.

That's this bitch's take. Tami? Commenters?

Spotted: DC Fashion Crimes - Butt Edition

The weather in DC is currently fabulous. Not too hot, not too cool and (thank fucking god) not too humid. As we draw towards the end of the recess (and seersucker season...seriously, not after Labor Day), it's a nice time to take a long lunch and an accompanying long walk before we all have to actually work again.

My co-worker and I took such a long walk to a long lunch today. On the way back, we first encountered this...

In case my blackberry isn't making this clear enough, that's ass cleavage. Hard core ass cleavage. And it's wrong. Shockingly, upsettingly, terribly wrong. It's also accompanied by grey fashion-victim-trying-to-wear-as-many-second-hand-designer-labels-at-once Uggs. It's still summer. Cooler temps or not, it's not time for Uggs. (I leave it open to debate whether there's ever a time for Uggs.)

Next, as if our eyes had not been assaulted enough, we were greeted with this...


Those, my friends, are purple leggings, worn as pants, with darker purple flowers on them. I know. Trust me, I know. Now, leggings as pants is controversial to me. I worship the Fug Girls and respect their opinion that "LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS!!" and I once had two beers (not one, two) poured over me in a bit of a bar fight because I told a size 8 that her thighs look huge when she wears leggings as pants. (That bitch cut the bathroom line at a crowded bar, you can't blame me.) On the other hand, having spent my undergrad education in California, I'm forced to admit that I believe that a very few people can pull of leggings as pants (WX, I'm looking at you) and perhaps worse still, I have to say that I think Lindsay Lohan looks alright in them (I know, I know, credibility gone).

BUT most people, myself included, look like they have huge thighs when they wear leggings as pants. And NO ONE--I repeat NO ONE--looks good in light purple leggings with dark purple flowers on them. I defy you to disagree.

And I still hate DC.

Spotted: DC Fashion Crime - The Usual Suspects, Part II

So I finally upgraded from my technologically retarded phone that was free with my wireless plan like 2 years ago and I now have my nice new Blackberry Curve. And it's a good thing I do, because it allows me to take pictures like this on the walk home...

I fear that you're not properly understanding what's going on here. Let's zoom in, shall we?

Those are f'ing zebra print platforms (circa 1994) with a seersucker suit.

I hate DC.

Spotted: DC Fashion Crime - The Usual Suspects

Since starting this little blog, my friends have turned into contributors in the form of cool hunters, fellow judgey bears and fashion police. More posts to come with more attributions, but a Friday morning short from SS's metro ride...

Apparently a "gentleman" got on at Dupont Circle, decked out in a full seersucker suit, sporting a Vineyard Vines/J. Crew type pink tie with, here's the kicker, yellow butterflies. Hey douchebag, it's seersucker Thursdays.

No, seriously, the seersucker thing needs to stop. Like it's one thing as a cute dress--my little and I both sported them this weekend, but boutique/Calvin Klein style--the kind with actual shape, not preppy gag me style. I get the seersucker shorts/skirt. But seersucker suits. To work. With complementary retarded tie. Unless you're impersonating Colonel Sanders or mocking Seersucker Thursday, retire it. I beg you. Or don't...because douchebags are easier to spot in uniform.

Dress Your Age

This may come as a shock to some of you avid CSPAN viewers, but DC is not a fashion capitol. It is in fact, the exact opposite of one. Of course there is a DC style - but it is usually pretty bad. Like any high school, there are prototypes to which most people adhere. There are the Hill folk who suit up daily. But not good suits - usually cheap ones. In fact, this guy in my complex who works on the Hill does the sport coat and pants thing. So, he either doesn't match (I swear, one day he wore a brown jacket with black pants) or he looks like a security guard. The Hill can be amusing in the summer though - it is searsucker and bowtie season (well, for the R's at least).

Then, you have the students who look like all the worst frat stereotypes. It's like there is this uniform for the boys of khaki shorts, button up shirts and brown flip flops. Consindering some of the universities in the area, it is no surprise that there is a douche dress code. There is no uniform for the girls. But, let's just say about 15% of female students in DC appear to understand what size they should be wearing. Ladies, sometimes bigger is better.

I will not even dignify the horrific wardrobe of the tourist with a description.

Then there are the downtowners. I would argue a good percentage of the people who work downtown dress relatively well. But, I am noticing an increasing number of people who seem to think they are 20 years older or younger than they are. Note: dressing from the juniors section in your 50s - not cute. Conversely, dressing like Mrs. Doubtfire in your 30s - also not cute.

Personally, I love dressing young while I am young. But I understand that Theory and BCBG are not really designed for the mature woman. I also understand that I am too young to pull off Chico's or St. John (and I am waaaay too poor for St. John). Flaunt it while you got it and hide it when time and gravity give you too much of it.