All Men Don't Suck - Your Taste in Them Does

As I was walking back from the gym this evening, I passed by two young women having a very animated discussion.

Girl #1 - who will be henceforth referred to as "blond idiot with ugly boots" - or BIWUB for short (seriously though, what is with calf high boots? Why would you pay to give yourself the effect of cankles or stumpy legs?), said to girl #2, who will henceforth be referred to as "brunette idiot without an original thought" - or BIWAOT for short:

BIWUB - "He is so retarded, and I really hate that word."

BIWAOT - "I so hate it when people use that word."

BIWUB - "I hate it too. It really bothers me - except when it fits the situation."

BIWAOT - "Seriously, sometimes people are just retarded."

BIWUB - "Honestly, he must have an IQ of 34. They all have an IQ of 34. Men suck."

BIWAOT - "Totally."

So there you have it - two MENSA members casting judgment on the entire male population.

Did it occur to this girl that perhaps men aren't the problem? Maybe she just has bad taste? Scratch that - she definitely has bad taste. I saw her outfit, and it was fugly. But in general, maybe she just has bad taste in men. And her little idiot friend clearly doesn't know her opinion on anything until the blond one tells her what it is.

It gets back to that whole, "he's just not that into you" thing. It is so much easier to make excuses, like he's totally busy, he likes me too much, or all men suck, than it is to look inward. Do the mature thing - egg his car, and find yourself a nice boy.

Pardon Me, But I Believe You Have a Case of Bitchface

So, a couple weeks ago, a friend of mine got incredibly drunk and hooked up with some chick none of us had ever seen before at one of the alumni Cal game viewings. Not being as drunk as he was at the time, I tried to stop him. "Look," I pleaded, "she's not very cute. You're being fooled because you're very drunk, she's acting like she's attractive, and she's wearing tight clothes. In the morning, you're going to find that she's a couple sizes too big for those clothes and she has an ugly face." In the morning, he found that I was right.

Now, this girl is lame, and I guarantee you, you know someone like her. She is the kind of girl who wants very much to be perceived as cool, and so does a perpetual, over the top Regina George impression. She conspicuously gets up, walks around, makes a show of saying hello to multiple people, talks loudly... She's a trying too hard ho with bad skin and frizzy brown hair with a single streak of white highlight on the left side of her face and a real bad case of bitchface. Disgusting.

Well, she disappeared the following week, and we were all sort of hoping she was a collective bad dream...though the friend who hooked up with her knew differently, for she is also the type to purposely leave something behind in the hopes of getting a second date. Seriously, girl is gross.

But no no, she re-emerged the week after, got wicked drunk, kind of fell all over the place, and threw herself at the friend she'd hooked up with. Like not a little toss, full on threw herself to the point of getting jealous every time the friend talked to any of his female friends (myself included) and admonishing him for "paying attention to plain girls instead of her." Really, Ugly? Really?

Well, this week she was back (and the friend she hooked up with was not), and early on in the game, she made a loud announcement that she was tripping over things. Annoyed at her continued loud (and what I assumed was once again inebriated) behavior, I asked the two friends she'd made from our table if they could please stop bringing her. Next thing I know, I'm in the ladies room and the following conversation ensues (reconstructed to the best of my ability)...

Bitchface: I think we need a minute.
Me: I really don't think we do.
BF: Well, you said something kind of aggressive to my friends.
Me: I mean, I don't like you. I don't think we need a minute to discuss that.
BF: OK, but you don't even know me.
Me: Well, no, not well, but I still find you really annoying. And you were acting a drunk 'n bitchy fool last time I saw you.
BF: I wasn't drunk. Who are you to say when I'm drunk?
Me: OK, well, in that case you were acting like an idiot sober. Doesn't make it better.
BF: OK, I guess our personalities might clash, but I graduated before you, which means I have more right to alumni events than you do [eds note: this is your argument? really? I don't even know when she graduated or why I've never seen her at events pre-the bad idea hook up if that's the case, but she knows like maybe 5 people] so don't tell someone who's not even an alum and someone who graduated after me not to bring me places.
Me: I'm pretty sure I'll tell anyone anything I want, but thanks.
BF: Ok, well, you enjoy the game in your little Converse.
Me: Thanks, you enjoy it with your bad skin and your frizzy hair and your ugly highlight.

Now here's my question: Who the fuck has a problem with Converse?

Pay Close Attention, There Will Be a Test

My new favorite thing in life is people who list He's Just Not That Into You among their favorite books and are still in patently terrible relationships.

On an almost weekly basis a friend or acquaintance relates a barely believable tale of dating trespasses to me, and then asks me what (for the most part) she should do about it. My answer is always a) tell him that was fucked up and/or b) dump him.

A guy who likes you doesn't do mean stuff. That's not to say they don't make mistakes, but they don't consciously do things to hurt you. And in particular, if something is happening repeatedly, he either doesn't know it's mean (tell him) or doesn't care (dump him.)

So, having dispensed this sage advice a good 300 times over the past year or so, I've occassionally thought to myself "I should write a book." And then I remember, there already is one that, in concept (I've never read it) addresses this very topic. Thus, a plan was born: a new edition of HJNTIY with a reading comprehension test in the back. Genius!

My favorite example of this girl is my (37-year-old) brother's (22-year-old) girlfriend. She has a high school education, is unemployed, and lives with my brothers (who, yes, in their late 30's, live together.) Her entire Facebook profile (which has no privacy protection and is endlessly entertaining) is about how much she loves my brother, the purses he buys for her, and church, which he makes her attend.

Not too terribly long ago, she thought he was cheating on her because he inappropriately texts his ex-girlfriends, so she flipped out, keyed his car, told his job that he cheats on his expense reports and, for reasons passing my understanding, called my parents and told them all sorts of horrible lies about me. Crazy? Absolutely. But she was like 20. We were all dumb when we were 20. Not that dumb, but dumb. But should she damn well have left his ass? You betcha, because you don't stick with a guy whose exes are still talking sexy to him. Nope, got back together a week later.

For several months (in venues as public as Facebook) she's been saying she expects a ring on their 2 year anniversary in August. He says he can't afford one right now. Favorite Books: The Bible, Captivating, The Greatest Miracle in the World, Don't be That Girl, and of course He's Just Not That Into You.