Pardon Me, But I Believe You Have a Case of Bitchface

So, a couple weeks ago, a friend of mine got incredibly drunk and hooked up with some chick none of us had ever seen before at one of the alumni Cal game viewings. Not being as drunk as he was at the time, I tried to stop him. "Look," I pleaded, "she's not very cute. You're being fooled because you're very drunk, she's acting like she's attractive, and she's wearing tight clothes. In the morning, you're going to find that she's a couple sizes too big for those clothes and she has an ugly face." In the morning, he found that I was right.

Now, this girl is lame, and I guarantee you, you know someone like her. She is the kind of girl who wants very much to be perceived as cool, and so does a perpetual, over the top Regina George impression. She conspicuously gets up, walks around, makes a show of saying hello to multiple people, talks loudly... She's a trying too hard ho with bad skin and frizzy brown hair with a single streak of white highlight on the left side of her face and a real bad case of bitchface. Disgusting.

Well, she disappeared the following week, and we were all sort of hoping she was a collective bad dream...though the friend who hooked up with her knew differently, for she is also the type to purposely leave something behind in the hopes of getting a second date. Seriously, girl is gross.

But no no, she re-emerged the week after, got wicked drunk, kind of fell all over the place, and threw herself at the friend she'd hooked up with. Like not a little toss, full on threw herself to the point of getting jealous every time the friend talked to any of his female friends (myself included) and admonishing him for "paying attention to plain girls instead of her." Really, Ugly? Really?

Well, this week she was back (and the friend she hooked up with was not), and early on in the game, she made a loud announcement that she was tripping over things. Annoyed at her continued loud (and what I assumed was once again inebriated) behavior, I asked the two friends she'd made from our table if they could please stop bringing her. Next thing I know, I'm in the ladies room and the following conversation ensues (reconstructed to the best of my ability)...

Bitchface: I think we need a minute.
Me: I really don't think we do.
BF: Well, you said something kind of aggressive to my friends.
Me: I mean, I don't like you. I don't think we need a minute to discuss that.
BF: OK, but you don't even know me.
Me: Well, no, not well, but I still find you really annoying. And you were acting a drunk 'n bitchy fool last time I saw you.
BF: I wasn't drunk. Who are you to say when I'm drunk?
Me: OK, well, in that case you were acting like an idiot sober. Doesn't make it better.
BF: OK, I guess our personalities might clash, but I graduated before you, which means I have more right to alumni events than you do [eds note: this is your argument? really? I don't even know when she graduated or why I've never seen her at events pre-the bad idea hook up if that's the case, but she knows like maybe 5 people] so don't tell someone who's not even an alum and someone who graduated after me not to bring me places.
Me: I'm pretty sure I'll tell anyone anything I want, but thanks.
BF: Ok, well, you enjoy the game in your little Converse.
Me: Thanks, you enjoy it with your bad skin and your frizzy hair and your ugly highlight.

Now here's my question: Who the fuck has a problem with Converse?

Just to Prove We're Not Feminists...

OK, I actually consider myself a feminist (and don't totally understand why the term gets such a bad rep, but that's a topic for another post...in which I explain that I'm a post-third wave sex-positive feminist and scare off everyone who reads this blog. Except maybe not because I said sex. Anyways.) But I thought this bit from Maxim (thx MD) was pretty funny...and I've often observed it to be true...on other people...not on me of course.

Actually, if I do a thorough self-analysis (in 2 minutes time), I find that I argue "like a man" with my girlfriends who argue "like chicks." (Don't get too ready to masturbate gents, it almost never ends with sex.) And I think I argue "like a man" on the rare occasion that boyfriend and I disagree, and he too is lovely and rational and argues "like a man." (This may be wishful thinking on my part...after all, who wants to admit that they fight like the irrational crazy one in a relationship? But I think we do pretty well.) I do have to admit though, in the past, I have argued like a chick. It was generally in bad relationships when the guy argued that way too. Both of us crying and screaming irrationally? Ugh, not pretty.

How do you argue?

Amen!

STFU, Marrieds chronicles the disgusting coupledom that breeds on Facebook--people see other people being disgusting and coupley and married on Facebook and suddenly everyone thinks it's OK. Or worse that it says something negative about your relationship if you and your significant other aren't disgusting and coupley all over the public place. As someone in a relationship that feels no compulsion to list it on my Facebook profile, I'm letting you in on a little secret: It's gross and annoying. And I'm glad STFU, Marrieds is on my side and publicly shaming the over-romantic among us.

Oh, and people from high school, if you end up on the site, I submitted you. God love the south...

(Thx MD)

Universal Solutions

Interpersonal relationships are complicated, whether they be romantic, friendly, or working relationships. That being said, my best friend from college and I came up with a couple of activities that, when all else fails, act as universal solutions. I'd like to take this brief moment to advocate for them...

All romantic problems can be solved with physical violence. All interpersonal problems can be solved by throwing things at someone.

Some people would tell you that violence is never the answer. They're wrong. And kind of dumb. You should throw things at them.

In college, said best friend had a complicated relationship with one of those complicated guys who has feelings for you but doesn't want to be with you but but but but but. Finally, she got fed up (and perhaps a little drunk) and hit him in the stomach (or kicked him in the shins? I can't quite remember) and suddenly his feelings became a lot more clear and gentlemanly. (He better be single to this day or I'm going to go either kick him in the shins or punch him in the stomach, whichever fate he escaped the first time.)

Following that, I came to see examples all around me of men who deserved to be on the receiving end of physical violence, either as a reform tactic or an entirely deserved goodbye. Corporal punishment is underrated.

Similarly, when someone gets just so annoying that you can't stand them any more and really have nothing to say, I think it should be socially acceptable to throw things at them. I've given this advice to friends many times and none of them have ever taken it (it boggles the mind), but I've found it thoroughly effective every time I've tried it. I think it's the initial shock of the thing. Or the consideration that, if I'm willing to throw things at you, I'm probably also willing to straight up ruin your life. Which I am.

(Post dedicated to the great and wonderful HM, and Tami and I's rough day.)

Pay Close Attention, There Will Be a Test

My new favorite thing in life is people who list He's Just Not That Into You among their favorite books and are still in patently terrible relationships.

On an almost weekly basis a friend or acquaintance relates a barely believable tale of dating trespasses to me, and then asks me what (for the most part) she should do about it. My answer is always a) tell him that was fucked up and/or b) dump him.

A guy who likes you doesn't do mean stuff. That's not to say they don't make mistakes, but they don't consciously do things to hurt you. And in particular, if something is happening repeatedly, he either doesn't know it's mean (tell him) or doesn't care (dump him.)

So, having dispensed this sage advice a good 300 times over the past year or so, I've occassionally thought to myself "I should write a book." And then I remember, there already is one that, in concept (I've never read it) addresses this very topic. Thus, a plan was born: a new edition of HJNTIY with a reading comprehension test in the back. Genius!

My favorite example of this girl is my (37-year-old) brother's (22-year-old) girlfriend. She has a high school education, is unemployed, and lives with my brothers (who, yes, in their late 30's, live together.) Her entire Facebook profile (which has no privacy protection and is endlessly entertaining) is about how much she loves my brother, the purses he buys for her, and church, which he makes her attend.

Not too terribly long ago, she thought he was cheating on her because he inappropriately texts his ex-girlfriends, so she flipped out, keyed his car, told his job that he cheats on his expense reports and, for reasons passing my understanding, called my parents and told them all sorts of horrible lies about me. Crazy? Absolutely. But she was like 20. We were all dumb when we were 20. Not that dumb, but dumb. But should she damn well have left his ass? You betcha, because you don't stick with a guy whose exes are still talking sexy to him. Nope, got back together a week later.

For several months (in venues as public as Facebook) she's been saying she expects a ring on their 2 year anniversary in August. He says he can't afford one right now. Favorite Books: The Bible, Captivating, The Greatest Miracle in the World, Don't be That Girl, and of course He's Just Not That Into You.