I was once a cat owner. I lost her in my "divorce." (And I gave her my super rad cat name that I'd been saving until I was an adult and had a pet and my mother couldn't be like "that's so mean, why don't you name her after a season or something." Actually, my mother did say that, but I named the cat Trouble anyway, because they're mischievous and there's nothing you can do about it. And now my ex-wife has my awesome pet name for all eternity and I write little plays in my diary about a weird cat custody scenario where I'm the total dad in the situation and I'm like "Look, it's not that I don't love you, it's that your mother's an unhinged bitch, and noooow she's asking me to pay child support, can you believe that? Oh, sport, you know I'd love to have you come stay with me, but I'm in the one bedroom now, ya know, and work's keeping me really late. As soon as I get a bigger place and another promotion, I promise." Ok, I don't have a diary, but I just made that up for you all right here and now.)
Tami continues to be a cat owner because her marriage is more stable than mine was (because no one in the scenario is batshit insane), so I am now a cat aunt. Anyways, anyone who has ever had a cat and a sexual relationship at the same time knows to shut the door or suffer the fate documented on Cats Watching You Have Sex, which I am honoring as the 2B1B Tumblr blog of the week (a semi-recurring award).
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Friday, August 14, 2009
Just to Prove We're Not Feminists...
OK, I actually consider myself a feminist (and don't totally understand why the term gets such a bad rep, but that's a topic for another post...in which I explain that I'm a post-third wave sex-positive feminist and scare off everyone who reads this blog. Except maybe not because I said sex. Anyways.) But I thought this bit from Maxim (thx MD) was pretty funny...and I've often observed it to be true...on other people...not on me of course.
Actually, if I do a thorough self-analysis (in 2 minutes time), I find that I argue "like a man" with my girlfriends who argue "like chicks." (Don't get too ready to masturbate gents, it almost never ends with sex.) And I think I argue "like a man" on the rare occasion that boyfriend and I disagree, and he too is lovely and rational and argues "like a man." (This may be wishful thinking on my part...after all, who wants to admit that they fight like the irrational crazy one in a relationship? But I think we do pretty well.) I do have to admit though, in the past, I have argued like a chick. It was generally in bad relationships when the guy argued that way too. Both of us crying and screaming irrationally? Ugh, not pretty.
How do you argue?
Actually, if I do a thorough self-analysis (in 2 minutes time), I find that I argue "like a man" with my girlfriends who argue "like chicks." (Don't get too ready to masturbate gents, it almost never ends with sex.) And I think I argue "like a man" on the rare occasion that boyfriend and I disagree, and he too is lovely and rational and argues "like a man." (This may be wishful thinking on my part...after all, who wants to admit that they fight like the irrational crazy one in a relationship? But I think we do pretty well.) I do have to admit though, in the past, I have argued like a chick. It was generally in bad relationships when the guy argued that way too. Both of us crying and screaming irrationally? Ugh, not pretty.
How do you argue?
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
When Friends Break Up
Obviously, as we grow up and move on in life, we inevitably drift apart from friends. That is not what this post is about. This is about those friends that are so passive aggressive and immature that they actually break up with you.
When I was a junior in college, I was friends with a girl named Rene (changed to protect her privacy - but know the sound of the name is similar). We hung out a ton during the first I would say semester and a half of my junior (her sophomore) year. Towards the end of the year, we started hanging out less. Now, this was partially my fault. I was getting more serious with my then boyfriend now fiance, and I had recently turned 21. I was all about watching TV with him or hitting up the bars. When she and I hung out we would do 1 of 2 things:
1) Take long walks all through Berkeley
2) "Pretend we weren't in college" (i.e. go to dinner/lunch/brunch at expensive restaurants)
She was not into staying in to watch television or trying to hang out at the bars (and she was not 21). So, we spent less time together. But, I knew she was taking this dance class and would have a recital towards the end of the year. I called her a couple times to find out when and where the recital was - she never called back. Finally, I sent her an email and received this as a response (not verbatim, but roughly what I remember):
Hi Tami,
As far as I am concerned, we aren't really friends anymore and haven't been for some time. If you would like to talk about this, give me a call.
Rene
The first line is more or less verbatim - the other part is fuzzy. Well, I did try to meet up with her to discuss this - I found it absurd. After a few failed attempts to connect, I received a letter with no return address. I have forgotten most of the contents except the sentiment: "I cannot deal with your boyfriend situation." Now, for all the losers I dated, my fiance is a stand up guy. My friends from all walks of life really like him (including my co-bitch blogger Elle). Well, Rene and I have not spoken to this day - and she isn't even a Facebook friend.
Recently, a good friend of mine had some difficulty with a friend of hers. They were so close in fact that they were married to one another on Facebook. While there was no official termination of the friendship email or letter, my friend's "wife" divorced her on Facebook - without a word to her. My friend joked that others told her she was married to no one, and that is how she found out.
In our 20s, aren't we old enough to sort these things out? Do we really need to dump our friends? Yes, people change. Yes, people grow apart. But, if you love someone enough to let the entire world of Facebook know that you're married, isn't it worth trying to make it work? Or, isn't the other person at least due the respect of some kind of divorce paper?
Have any stories about getting dumped by a friend? Feel like naming names? Comment!
When I was a junior in college, I was friends with a girl named Rene (changed to protect her privacy - but know the sound of the name is similar). We hung out a ton during the first I would say semester and a half of my junior (her sophomore) year. Towards the end of the year, we started hanging out less. Now, this was partially my fault. I was getting more serious with my then boyfriend now fiance, and I had recently turned 21. I was all about watching TV with him or hitting up the bars. When she and I hung out we would do 1 of 2 things:
1) Take long walks all through Berkeley
2) "Pretend we weren't in college" (i.e. go to dinner/lunch/brunch at expensive restaurants)
She was not into staying in to watch television or trying to hang out at the bars (and she was not 21). So, we spent less time together. But, I knew she was taking this dance class and would have a recital towards the end of the year. I called her a couple times to find out when and where the recital was - she never called back. Finally, I sent her an email and received this as a response (not verbatim, but roughly what I remember):
Hi Tami,
As far as I am concerned, we aren't really friends anymore and haven't been for some time. If you would like to talk about this, give me a call.
Rene
The first line is more or less verbatim - the other part is fuzzy. Well, I did try to meet up with her to discuss this - I found it absurd. After a few failed attempts to connect, I received a letter with no return address. I have forgotten most of the contents except the sentiment: "I cannot deal with your boyfriend situation." Now, for all the losers I dated, my fiance is a stand up guy. My friends from all walks of life really like him (including my co-bitch blogger Elle). Well, Rene and I have not spoken to this day - and she isn't even a Facebook friend.
Recently, a good friend of mine had some difficulty with a friend of hers. They were so close in fact that they were married to one another on Facebook. While there was no official termination of the friendship email or letter, my friend's "wife" divorced her on Facebook - without a word to her. My friend joked that others told her she was married to no one, and that is how she found out.
In our 20s, aren't we old enough to sort these things out? Do we really need to dump our friends? Yes, people change. Yes, people grow apart. But, if you love someone enough to let the entire world of Facebook know that you're married, isn't it worth trying to make it work? Or, isn't the other person at least due the respect of some kind of divorce paper?
Have any stories about getting dumped by a friend? Feel like naming names? Comment!
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Universal Solutions
Interpersonal relationships are complicated, whether they be romantic, friendly, or working relationships. That being said, my best friend from college and I came up with a couple of activities that, when all else fails, act as universal solutions. I'd like to take this brief moment to advocate for them...
All romantic problems can be solved with physical violence. All interpersonal problems can be solved by throwing things at someone.
Some people would tell you that violence is never the answer. They're wrong. And kind of dumb. You should throw things at them.
In college, said best friend had a complicated relationship with one of those complicated guys who has feelings for you but doesn't want to be with you but but but but but. Finally, she got fed up (and perhaps a little drunk) and hit him in the stomach (or kicked him in the shins? I can't quite remember) and suddenly his feelings became a lot more clear and gentlemanly. (He better be single to this day or I'm going to go either kick him in the shins or punch him in the stomach, whichever fate he escaped the first time.)
Following that, I came to see examples all around me of men who deserved to be on the receiving end of physical violence, either as a reform tactic or an entirely deserved goodbye. Corporal punishment is underrated.
Similarly, when someone gets just so annoying that you can't stand them any more and really have nothing to say, I think it should be socially acceptable to throw things at them. I've given this advice to friends many times and none of them have ever taken it (it boggles the mind), but I've found it thoroughly effective every time I've tried it. I think it's the initial shock of the thing. Or the consideration that, if I'm willing to throw things at you, I'm probably also willing to straight up ruin your life. Which I am.
(Post dedicated to the great and wonderful HM, and Tami and I's rough day.)
All romantic problems can be solved with physical violence. All interpersonal problems can be solved by throwing things at someone.
Some people would tell you that violence is never the answer. They're wrong. And kind of dumb. You should throw things at them.
In college, said best friend had a complicated relationship with one of those complicated guys who has feelings for you but doesn't want to be with you but but but but but. Finally, she got fed up (and perhaps a little drunk) and hit him in the stomach (or kicked him in the shins? I can't quite remember) and suddenly his feelings became a lot more clear and gentlemanly. (He better be single to this day or I'm going to go either kick him in the shins or punch him in the stomach, whichever fate he escaped the first time.)
Following that, I came to see examples all around me of men who deserved to be on the receiving end of physical violence, either as a reform tactic or an entirely deserved goodbye. Corporal punishment is underrated.
Similarly, when someone gets just so annoying that you can't stand them any more and really have nothing to say, I think it should be socially acceptable to throw things at them. I've given this advice to friends many times and none of them have ever taken it (it boggles the mind), but I've found it thoroughly effective every time I've tried it. I think it's the initial shock of the thing. Or the consideration that, if I'm willing to throw things at you, I'm probably also willing to straight up ruin your life. Which I am.
(Post dedicated to the great and wonderful HM, and Tami and I's rough day.)
Friday, July 17, 2009
Pay Close Attention, There Will Be a Test
My new favorite thing in life is people who list He's Just Not That Into You among their favorite books and are still in patently terrible relationships.
On an almost weekly basis a friend or acquaintance relates a barely believable tale of dating trespasses to me, and then asks me what (for the most part) she should do about it. My answer is always a) tell him that was fucked up and/or b) dump him.
A guy who likes you doesn't do mean stuff. That's not to say they don't make mistakes, but they don't consciously do things to hurt you. And in particular, if something is happening repeatedly, he either doesn't know it's mean (tell him) or doesn't care (dump him.)
So, having dispensed this sage advice a good 300 times over the past year or so, I've occassionally thought to myself "I should write a book." And then I remember, there already is one that, in concept (I've never read it) addresses this very topic. Thus, a plan was born: a new edition of HJNTIY with a reading comprehension test in the back. Genius!
My favorite example of this girl is my (37-year-old) brother's (22-year-old) girlfriend. She has a high school education, is unemployed, and lives with my brothers (who, yes, in their late 30's, live together.) Her entire Facebook profile (which has no privacy protection and is endlessly entertaining) is about how much she loves my brother, the purses he buys for her, and church, which he makes her attend.
Not too terribly long ago, she thought he was cheating on her because he inappropriately texts his ex-girlfriends, so she flipped out, keyed his car, told his job that he cheats on his expense reports and, for reasons passing my understanding, called my parents and told them all sorts of horrible lies about me. Crazy? Absolutely. But she was like 20. We were all dumb when we were 20. Not that dumb, but dumb. But should she damn well have left his ass? You betcha, because you don't stick with a guy whose exes are still talking sexy to him. Nope, got back together a week later.
For several months (in venues as public as Facebook) she's been saying she expects a ring on their 2 year anniversary in August. He says he can't afford one right now. Favorite Books: The Bible, Captivating, The Greatest Miracle in the World, Don't be That Girl, and of course He's Just Not That Into You.
On an almost weekly basis a friend or acquaintance relates a barely believable tale of dating trespasses to me, and then asks me what (for the most part) she should do about it. My answer is always a) tell him that was fucked up and/or b) dump him.
A guy who likes you doesn't do mean stuff. That's not to say they don't make mistakes, but they don't consciously do things to hurt you. And in particular, if something is happening repeatedly, he either doesn't know it's mean (tell him) or doesn't care (dump him.)
So, having dispensed this sage advice a good 300 times over the past year or so, I've occassionally thought to myself "I should write a book." And then I remember, there already is one that, in concept (I've never read it) addresses this very topic. Thus, a plan was born: a new edition of HJNTIY with a reading comprehension test in the back. Genius!
My favorite example of this girl is my (37-year-old) brother's (22-year-old) girlfriend. She has a high school education, is unemployed, and lives with my brothers (who, yes, in their late 30's, live together.) Her entire Facebook profile (which has no privacy protection and is endlessly entertaining) is about how much she loves my brother, the purses he buys for her, and church, which he makes her attend.
Not too terribly long ago, she thought he was cheating on her because he inappropriately texts his ex-girlfriends, so she flipped out, keyed his car, told his job that he cheats on his expense reports and, for reasons passing my understanding, called my parents and told them all sorts of horrible lies about me. Crazy? Absolutely. But she was like 20. We were all dumb when we were 20. Not that dumb, but dumb. But should she damn well have left his ass? You betcha, because you don't stick with a guy whose exes are still talking sexy to him. Nope, got back together a week later.
For several months (in venues as public as Facebook) she's been saying she expects a ring on their 2 year anniversary in August. He says he can't afford one right now. Favorite Books: The Bible, Captivating, The Greatest Miracle in the World, Don't be That Girl, and of course He's Just Not That Into You.
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