I was once a cat owner. I lost her in my "divorce." (And I gave her my super rad cat name that I'd been saving until I was an adult and had a pet and my mother couldn't be like "that's so mean, why don't you name her after a season or something." Actually, my mother did say that, but I named the cat Trouble anyway, because they're mischievous and there's nothing you can do about it. And now my ex-wife has my awesome pet name for all eternity and I write little plays in my diary about a weird cat custody scenario where I'm the total dad in the situation and I'm like "Look, it's not that I don't love you, it's that your mother's an unhinged bitch, and noooow she's asking me to pay child support, can you believe that? Oh, sport, you know I'd love to have you come stay with me, but I'm in the one bedroom now, ya know, and work's keeping me really late. As soon as I get a bigger place and another promotion, I promise." Ok, I don't have a diary, but I just made that up for you all right here and now.)
Tami continues to be a cat owner because her marriage is more stable than mine was (because no one in the scenario is batshit insane), so I am now a cat aunt. Anyways, anyone who has ever had a cat and a sexual relationship at the same time knows to shut the door or suffer the fate documented on Cats Watching You Have Sex, which I am honoring as the 2B1B Tumblr blog of the week (a semi-recurring award).
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
If You Aren't Watching Pretty Little Liars, It Is Time to Start
It’s no secret that I love me some stupid TV. I like to think of it as brain candy or the antidote to a stressful day. Thankfully, one of my (and Elle’s) favorite guilty pleasures is back: Pretty Little Liars.
For the uninitiated, PLL is the story of five best friends, one of whom disappears and is found dead a year later. The actors playing the title little liars are largely nobodies (with the sort of exception of Lucy Kate Hale, who has had a failed show every televisions season up until now. I was starting to think she was cursed considering both Privileged and the Bionic Woman reboot failed with her in a starring role), but two of the moms are played by Laura “Sydney Andrews Mancini” Leighton and Holly Marie Combs of Charmed fame. Anyway, the liars are tormented by a mysterious person named “A” who knows all their secrets – and tells them. “A” also seems to know who killed the 5th friend, and the other four can’t resist trying to find out who both “A” and the killer are. But doing so puts them in a compromising situation – especially considering they all seem to make pretty horrific personal choices.
Now that you have a brief background, allow me to give you a list of reasons to watch:
- The title doesn’t lie – the show is full of pretty people
- If you miss Melrose as much as Elle and I do, this is your replacement for campy, totally off-the-wall story lines (e.g. Laura Leighton’s character actually sleeps with a police officer to keep her daughter out of trouble and steals from the bank where she works to keep her and her daughter in designer goods)
- It’s on ABC Family, so it repeats like 1000 times per week, making it easy to stay up-to-date without DVR conflicts
- It’s way less infuriating than Gossip Girl
- Because Elle and I say so!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
In Defense of Angelina
So how many years (and how many children) later are we still hearing about Jennifer Aniston vs. Angelina Jolie?! Enough already!
I am going to say that I think Brad Pitt is a better fit with Angelina Jolie – and I am also going to assert that I don’t think Jennifer Aniston is the super cool, amazingly chill chick everyone makes her out to be. I bet (and have heard) that she is a HUGE bitch.
Quite honestly, I don’t get what the whole love affair with Jen is about. She always plays that same girl next door with an edge (and yes, I saw the Good Girl and Friends with Money – I wasn’t impressed). I think women like her because her beauty is more or less average – and very approachable. I am not saying she is ugly, but I mean, think about it. If you are Courtney Cox, how hot do you feel next to Jennifer Aniston?
I sort of think it’s easy to hop on the “let’s hate Angelina” bandwagon. The woman is beautiful – very striking – and her figure is (well, was – now she is a bit too thin) out of control amazing. I know she doesn’t appeal to everyone, but there is no denying that the woman oozes sexuality. Plus, she is incredibly talented. Love her or hate her, I really feel like she transforms on screen and inhabits a character in a way very few actors can – especially actors who are so infamous for their personal lives. I am sure she’s cold and bitchy – one of those people who only warms up after you get to know her, but she doesn’t profess to be approachable and super cool (unlike her nemesis).
She’s also incredibly generous with her money, her time, and her fame. She draws attention to the issues of poverty, starvation and genocide in the third world – and even picks up a kid or two while she is there.
I am not saying you should join “Team Angelina” but at the very least can we all stop caring that she may or may not be the reason Jennifer Aniston’s marriage to Brad Pitt ended? And it certainly isn’t Angelina’s fault that Jen hasn’t been able to maintain a relationship since.
Seriously, think about it – maybe the problem isn’t and wasn’t Angelina. Maybe the problem has been Jen all along – she’s just more likeable so no one wants to believe it.
I am going to say that I think Brad Pitt is a better fit with Angelina Jolie – and I am also going to assert that I don’t think Jennifer Aniston is the super cool, amazingly chill chick everyone makes her out to be. I bet (and have heard) that she is a HUGE bitch.
Quite honestly, I don’t get what the whole love affair with Jen is about. She always plays that same girl next door with an edge (and yes, I saw the Good Girl and Friends with Money – I wasn’t impressed). I think women like her because her beauty is more or less average – and very approachable. I am not saying she is ugly, but I mean, think about it. If you are Courtney Cox, how hot do you feel next to Jennifer Aniston?
I sort of think it’s easy to hop on the “let’s hate Angelina” bandwagon. The woman is beautiful – very striking – and her figure is (well, was – now she is a bit too thin) out of control amazing. I know she doesn’t appeal to everyone, but there is no denying that the woman oozes sexuality. Plus, she is incredibly talented. Love her or hate her, I really feel like she transforms on screen and inhabits a character in a way very few actors can – especially actors who are so infamous for their personal lives. I am sure she’s cold and bitchy – one of those people who only warms up after you get to know her, but she doesn’t profess to be approachable and super cool (unlike her nemesis).
She’s also incredibly generous with her money, her time, and her fame. She draws attention to the issues of poverty, starvation and genocide in the third world – and even picks up a kid or two while she is there.
I am not saying you should join “Team Angelina” but at the very least can we all stop caring that she may or may not be the reason Jennifer Aniston’s marriage to Brad Pitt ended? And it certainly isn’t Angelina’s fault that Jen hasn’t been able to maintain a relationship since.
Seriously, think about it – maybe the problem isn’t and wasn’t Angelina. Maybe the problem has been Jen all along – she’s just more likeable so no one wants to believe it.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Dear Miley Cyrus…
It’s true that in the porn industry, XXX stands for adult. But, in the real world, they are not synonymous.
I really don’t understand all these former Disney princesses who seem to think that the only way they can demonstrate they’ve matured is to whore it up big time. Look at Miley’s predecessors:
Britney Spears – former Mouseketeer, huge recording artist basically before she could drive, and then massive train wreck by the time she could legally drink. She kept giving interviews where she expressed that she wanted people to stop seeing her as a little girl and take her seriously as a mature artist. So what did she do? She dressed more and more provocatively. Her lyrics became even more sexual, and she got married on a bender in Vegas. Next thing you know, she’s shaving her head and having control of her finances taken away.
And then there’s Lindsay Lohan. Remember how cute she was in the Parent Trap? Or how innocent she seemed in Mean Girls? But she wanted to be taken seriously as an actress, so she stopped wearing panties and made that horrible movie where she plays twins separated at birth and one is a stripper or something. Now she’s been to rehab more times than Danny Bonaduce, and has been replaced by Malin Ackerman in that movie about the porn star in the 70s.
If you want to be taken seriously as an adult, make adult choices. Look at Taylor Swift! She’s quietly turned 21, without showing the world her lady parts or having the paparazzi photograph her stumbling out of some night club.
Perhaps the problem is just a lack of talent. I cannot imagine that it is that hard to play Hannah Montana – despite the fact it’s technically two characters. You just need to be able to deliver a pun and a pratfall, right? I would think the hardest part would be interacting with Billy Ray Cyrus as your dad – but wait, Billy Ray is her dad! I guess that’s what you do in Hollywood to make up for a lack of talent – you act scandalously and dress scantily. I mean, it’s working for Megan Fox.
I really don’t understand all these former Disney princesses who seem to think that the only way they can demonstrate they’ve matured is to whore it up big time. Look at Miley’s predecessors:
Britney Spears – former Mouseketeer, huge recording artist basically before she could drive, and then massive train wreck by the time she could legally drink. She kept giving interviews where she expressed that she wanted people to stop seeing her as a little girl and take her seriously as a mature artist. So what did she do? She dressed more and more provocatively. Her lyrics became even more sexual, and she got married on a bender in Vegas. Next thing you know, she’s shaving her head and having control of her finances taken away.
And then there’s Lindsay Lohan. Remember how cute she was in the Parent Trap? Or how innocent she seemed in Mean Girls? But she wanted to be taken seriously as an actress, so she stopped wearing panties and made that horrible movie where she plays twins separated at birth and one is a stripper or something. Now she’s been to rehab more times than Danny Bonaduce, and has been replaced by Malin Ackerman in that movie about the porn star in the 70s.
If you want to be taken seriously as an adult, make adult choices. Look at Taylor Swift! She’s quietly turned 21, without showing the world her lady parts or having the paparazzi photograph her stumbling out of some night club.
Perhaps the problem is just a lack of talent. I cannot imagine that it is that hard to play Hannah Montana – despite the fact it’s technically two characters. You just need to be able to deliver a pun and a pratfall, right? I would think the hardest part would be interacting with Billy Ray Cyrus as your dad – but wait, Billy Ray is her dad! I guess that’s what you do in Hollywood to make up for a lack of talent – you act scandalously and dress scantily. I mean, it’s working for Megan Fox.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Twelve Tips for D.C. Neophytes
- Get a Smartrip card. Spare yourself and everyone behind you in line the frustration.
- Unless the difference in cost is $100 or more, just fly out of DCA.
- Save yourself the frustration: don't fly to New York. Don't take the bus to Boston. Busjunction.com is your best friend.
- Hipster or Preppy? Pick a side and party appropriately.
- If you're from California, your first winter here is always the coldest, no matter what the temperature says.
- Don't try to wear foundation in the summer. Do moisturize in the winter.
- You'll need a doctor, gynecologist, dentist and psychiatrist (trust me). Find the doctors closest to your office and then cross reference them with Yelp reviews. Call until you find someone accepting new patients.
- Learn the bus routes; it will expand your reasonably priced apartment and dive bar options by a power of 10.
- Ice skating at the National Gallery sculpture garden, screen on the green, E Street Cinema, Shakespeare Theater's young professional tickets and the botanical gardens--the best free to reasonably priced entertainment in the city.
- Don't put off buying wellies. Sure, you can't wear them everyday, or even once a week, but when you need them, they're more frustrating to be without than a great pair of jeans or a little black dress.
- PL Nails in Adams Morgan is the only place to bother getting your nails done. Clean, luxurious and $35 for a mani-pedi.
- Eat at Komi at least once before you leave.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Versace! Cavalli! Vogue! Cover Girl?!
This season of America's Next Top Model takes the ridiculous cake. Now, Elle's and my love-hate relationship with Tyrant Banks is well-documented insofar as we love to hate her and have blogged about it frequently. Season after season we've called her narcissistic, fake, crazy, and clueless. But, she's a pretty savvy businesswoman - she's built an empire for herself. And yet, this season just tells me she is dumb.
As anyone who has watched cycle 15 can attest, they have attempted to elevate the competition. They are looking for a girl who is more high fashion. And they have had some pretty incredible guest judges like DVF, Pat Fields, Zac Posen, Margherita Missoni, and more (definitely no low-rent Kim Kardashians or Lauren Conrads for this bunch). And while some of the photo shoots/challenges have been absurd (H2T Water - is that really a thing?! And if so, does Tyra own it? And what about Tyra's directorial debut. WTF was that?! Like, is a video editorial a real thing - or is this Tyra trying to start another trend like the overuse of "fierce" or "smizing"? Or will this just be another failed attempt at a career change - like her music video. Sorry, I am getting off topic here), this season has definitely felt less commercial - save for one thing: the Cover Girl contract.
If they are truly looking for a high fashion model, then they are not looking for someone who can do Cover Girl. You know who are the biggest CG spokespeople currently? Drew Barrymore and Queen Latifah. Nothing about either of those women screams high fashion to me. CG's whole schtick is about approachable beauty. High fashion is in diametric opposition to approachable. And do not even get me started on the Walmart challenge from early in the season...
Furthermore, they keep harping on personality. I get that models need to book jobs, but high fashion or couture runway girls are glorified hangers. I bet most of the really successful fashion models working today have the personality of a wet rag - you cannot have a personality and be that thin. You're just too hungry and hunger makes people lethargic and/or bitchy. Maybe those aren't the models who we know by name, but none of these girls on ANTM are going to be as successful as Gisele or even Tyra (who, incidentally, are both famous for their commercial work). If we see them after the show, we only know their names because of the show. The goal should be to work - and make money, not to be a top model - and I don't care what the show is called. I don't "idolize" Kelly Clarkson. Richard Hatch is a douchebag and a criminal - not a "survivor." There is nothing remotely real about "The Real World." The only truthful reality show name is "I Love Money." But "America's Next Working Model Who Can Support Herself as a Model" isn't as catchy a title.
I support the search for an actual editorial model. I think it is an interesting twist (certainly more interesting than the midget season), but if you're going to do it, really commit. Ditch the Cover Girl cash cow, don't let the girls within 1000 yards of a Walmart, and stop trying to force girls who lack personality to prove they have one - they don't. And guess what, if the clothes look good, they photos are hot, and they can walk a runway, they will work - and probably be more successful than the winner.
As anyone who has watched cycle 15 can attest, they have attempted to elevate the competition. They are looking for a girl who is more high fashion. And they have had some pretty incredible guest judges like DVF, Pat Fields, Zac Posen, Margherita Missoni, and more (definitely no low-rent Kim Kardashians or Lauren Conrads for this bunch). And while some of the photo shoots/challenges have been absurd (H2T Water - is that really a thing?! And if so, does Tyra own it? And what about Tyra's directorial debut. WTF was that?! Like, is a video editorial a real thing - or is this Tyra trying to start another trend like the overuse of "fierce" or "smizing"? Or will this just be another failed attempt at a career change - like her music video. Sorry, I am getting off topic here), this season has definitely felt less commercial - save for one thing: the Cover Girl contract.
If they are truly looking for a high fashion model, then they are not looking for someone who can do Cover Girl. You know who are the biggest CG spokespeople currently? Drew Barrymore and Queen Latifah. Nothing about either of those women screams high fashion to me. CG's whole schtick is about approachable beauty. High fashion is in diametric opposition to approachable. And do not even get me started on the Walmart challenge from early in the season...
Furthermore, they keep harping on personality. I get that models need to book jobs, but high fashion or couture runway girls are glorified hangers. I bet most of the really successful fashion models working today have the personality of a wet rag - you cannot have a personality and be that thin. You're just too hungry and hunger makes people lethargic and/or bitchy. Maybe those aren't the models who we know by name, but none of these girls on ANTM are going to be as successful as Gisele or even Tyra (who, incidentally, are both famous for their commercial work). If we see them after the show, we only know their names because of the show. The goal should be to work - and make money, not to be a top model - and I don't care what the show is called. I don't "idolize" Kelly Clarkson. Richard Hatch is a douchebag and a criminal - not a "survivor." There is nothing remotely real about "The Real World." The only truthful reality show name is "I Love Money." But "America's Next Working Model Who Can Support Herself as a Model" isn't as catchy a title.
I support the search for an actual editorial model. I think it is an interesting twist (certainly more interesting than the midget season), but if you're going to do it, really commit. Ditch the Cover Girl cash cow, don't let the girls within 1000 yards of a Walmart, and stop trying to force girls who lack personality to prove they have one - they don't. And guess what, if the clothes look good, they photos are hot, and they can walk a runway, they will work - and probably be more successful than the winner.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
The more things change...
I recently went to my 10-year high school reunion. And I was nervous about it - really nervous. I wasn't sure how I would feel or how I would be perceived by others. Would they think I was aging badly? Would they be impressed by my life? Would they think I was one of the ones who "got fat" (oh, I didn't - but I definitely was worried)? When I got there though, I realized that all my nerves were for nothing.
I was struck by the fact that everyone seemed more or less exactly the same. What had changed (other than a few waistline measurements) was how everyone reacted to one another. There wasn't really any hierarchy anymore. The mean girls weren't mean. The dorky guys weren't (as) dorky. And the hot guys definitely weren't hot. But everyone got along and genuinely enjoyed catching up, regardless of where we each fell in terms of the pecking order 10 years ago. I had a really good time, and I felt as though I exercised the last few of those adolescent demons.
Well, today a girl I have known basically since birth posted a photograph of our preschool class on Facebook. I was somewhere between 2 or 3 years old at the time. It's admittedly not my most adorable moment, but it's still cute. Several people have commented, and since I am tagged, I get an email every time someone does. Well, one of the comments was from a guy I went to high school with. He wasn't at the reunion, because he was in the graduating class ahead of mine.
He wrote: "Wow. Check out that noggin on Tami."
This shouldn't bother me - but I know he intended this post to get under my skin. And frankly, he succeeded. It just seems so unnecessary. I don't want to respond on the thread, because he'll accuse me of being too sensitive or not having a sense of humor. But the fact of the matter is that he set out to be derisive. He wasn't trying to connect - I haven't seen him since my senior year of high school when he came to judge a speech and debate tournament for our team (a tournament he was asked to leave, because he had been drinking so much the night before that he still reeked of booze that day). We are Facebook friends - if he wanted to connect, it would have been easy enough to do over the years. And we aren't friends - so he wasn't teasing in a friendly way. No, he wanted to belittle me, much like he enjoyed doing in high school.
I know I have no reason to care. I have a good life. I have an interesting job I enjoy, a wonderful husband, amazing friends and an awesome shoe collection. I've gained some amazing life experiences, while he has gained weight - seriously, he has basically doubled in size since high school. He doesn't really appear to have done much with his life. And based on the reports I got at my reunion, he is a bit of a sad sack. He is stuck in his adolescence (a time where he was king - and relatively fit), which is totally obvious from his stupid little comment. And yet, I am bothered.
It's simple really - people don't change. And sometimes, neither do your reactions to them. At least being an adult shows me that while he still may be good at making me feel insecure, he's bad at life. So basically, I win. No, that is not the mature, adult response. It is the petty teenage one. But, unlike teenage me, adult me can celebrate this petty victory with a cocktail.
I was struck by the fact that everyone seemed more or less exactly the same. What had changed (other than a few waistline measurements) was how everyone reacted to one another. There wasn't really any hierarchy anymore. The mean girls weren't mean. The dorky guys weren't (as) dorky. And the hot guys definitely weren't hot. But everyone got along and genuinely enjoyed catching up, regardless of where we each fell in terms of the pecking order 10 years ago. I had a really good time, and I felt as though I exercised the last few of those adolescent demons.
Well, today a girl I have known basically since birth posted a photograph of our preschool class on Facebook. I was somewhere between 2 or 3 years old at the time. It's admittedly not my most adorable moment, but it's still cute. Several people have commented, and since I am tagged, I get an email every time someone does. Well, one of the comments was from a guy I went to high school with. He wasn't at the reunion, because he was in the graduating class ahead of mine.
He wrote: "Wow. Check out that noggin on Tami."
This shouldn't bother me - but I know he intended this post to get under my skin. And frankly, he succeeded. It just seems so unnecessary. I don't want to respond on the thread, because he'll accuse me of being too sensitive or not having a sense of humor. But the fact of the matter is that he set out to be derisive. He wasn't trying to connect - I haven't seen him since my senior year of high school when he came to judge a speech and debate tournament for our team (a tournament he was asked to leave, because he had been drinking so much the night before that he still reeked of booze that day). We are Facebook friends - if he wanted to connect, it would have been easy enough to do over the years. And we aren't friends - so he wasn't teasing in a friendly way. No, he wanted to belittle me, much like he enjoyed doing in high school.
I know I have no reason to care. I have a good life. I have an interesting job I enjoy, a wonderful husband, amazing friends and an awesome shoe collection. I've gained some amazing life experiences, while he has gained weight - seriously, he has basically doubled in size since high school. He doesn't really appear to have done much with his life. And based on the reports I got at my reunion, he is a bit of a sad sack. He is stuck in his adolescence (a time where he was king - and relatively fit), which is totally obvious from his stupid little comment. And yet, I am bothered.
It's simple really - people don't change. And sometimes, neither do your reactions to them. At least being an adult shows me that while he still may be good at making me feel insecure, he's bad at life. So basically, I win. No, that is not the mature, adult response. It is the petty teenage one. But, unlike teenage me, adult me can celebrate this petty victory with a cocktail.
Monday, April 5, 2010
MTV Got Something Right
It's a shocker, I know. But one of the ridiculous reality programs on MTV actually accurately portrays the life of one group: the d-bags of the Jersey Shore.
I had my bachelorette party last weekend, and because Vegas is too expensive and far away, we went to Atlantic City. Wow. Let me just say wow. I have never seen so many tiny but muscle-y, orange men in my entire life. And they are super aggressive.
But, it isn't like they have any game - at least any game that I recognize. Granted, I have been in a relationship for a long time, but I think there are some things that are just universal.
For instance, it is not charming or cute to yell at a girl, "Hey, Bachelorette. It's my bachelor party, and we can have sex until tomorrow." In case you are wondering what I replied, I told him he didn't meet the height requirement.
Other things that are not cute:
1) Grabbing ass on the dance floor when the club turns the lights out (however, that did lead to one of the more quotable nicknames of the party. The "butt bongo pirate" was coined by MR. Well done!)
2) Coming up behind a girl and rubbing your crotch on her while grabbing her stomach. No one touches my stomach.
3) Unbuttoning your shirt down to your belly button.
4) Fist pumping
5) Excessive hair gel
6) Tanning until you turn orange. Seriously, orange.
In spite of - or perhaps because of - the men of the Jersey Shore, I had a wonderful weekend. Thanks to the ladies - including my fellow bitch Elle - for making it a great send off to my single lady status. But, I do still hate you all for the tiara and veil.
I had my bachelorette party last weekend, and because Vegas is too expensive and far away, we went to Atlantic City. Wow. Let me just say wow. I have never seen so many tiny but muscle-y, orange men in my entire life. And they are super aggressive.
But, it isn't like they have any game - at least any game that I recognize. Granted, I have been in a relationship for a long time, but I think there are some things that are just universal.
For instance, it is not charming or cute to yell at a girl, "Hey, Bachelorette. It's my bachelor party, and we can have sex until tomorrow." In case you are wondering what I replied, I told him he didn't meet the height requirement.
Other things that are not cute:
1) Grabbing ass on the dance floor when the club turns the lights out (however, that did lead to one of the more quotable nicknames of the party. The "butt bongo pirate" was coined by MR. Well done!)
2) Coming up behind a girl and rubbing your crotch on her while grabbing her stomach. No one touches my stomach.
3) Unbuttoning your shirt down to your belly button.
4) Fist pumping
5) Excessive hair gel
6) Tanning until you turn orange. Seriously, orange.
In spite of - or perhaps because of - the men of the Jersey Shore, I had a wonderful weekend. Thanks to the ladies - including my fellow bitch Elle - for making it a great send off to my single lady status. But, I do still hate you all for the tiara and veil.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Please Do Not Disturb the Urbanite in Her Natural Environment
April is upon us, and for those of us in D.C., that means cherry blossoms, allergies and the official start of tourist season. I'm as happy for the warm weather sans impending humidity as the next gal, but I hate this time of year.
At some point when you were a youngster--for me it was like 7th grade--your school thought it was a good idea to take you to our nation's capital and brainwash you with a fine bouquet of patriotism with the faintest hint of xenophobia. You looked at monuments, visited museums, and more than anything enjoyed being away from your parents and sleeping in the same hotel where your crush was, even if there were like 30 chaperones between you and him, ready to pounce at the faintest scent of hormones.
Never did you consider the fact that that bicameral legislature that you're admiring has a whole staff of people who live and work in D.C. and keep that thing running. And that that legislature has a whole lot of corporate interests that wish to influence it and employ an army of people to do so. And that news organizations cover the relationship between the two, which they do by being chock full of staff. And that all of those staffers need to eat and shop and see movies somewhere and that there are a whole host of people who FRIGGIN' LIVE HERE AND THE CITY IS NOT A PLAYGROUND OF STATUES BUILT FOR YOUR TOURISTY AMUSEMENT! YOU DIDN'T CONSIDER IT, DID YOU!??!
Sorry, I get a little worked up. And I'm still pissed that Granny O'Grimm didn't win the Oscar for Best Animated Short. Anyways, my point is, as a tourist and visitor to this place, you should respect the local customs and try not to annoy the city's natural population--the urbanite.
Those things aren't modern day black magic, they're called escalators. And while they are, in fact, very long, they are not a photo opportunity. Kindly stand on the right and walk on the left or suffer my wrath. Oh, oh, you think I won't curse at your five year old who is "adorably" trying to run up the down escalator during morning rush hour traffic when I am running 15 minutes late to work? You are so fucking wrong.
As with most wild animals, the best way to avoid a mauling, is to keep a respectful distance from the beast, and the best way to do that, is to recognize it. So, with the help of 2B1B's graphic designer in residence AO, I give you....
The urbanite may have any or all of the evolutionary advantages listed above. And in addition to the flip flops, she may also be carting high heels in a reusable grocery bag because the guy at CVS isn't asking you if you'd like paper or plastic, he's asking you if you'd like to pay $0.05 or just manage to carry your purchases on your own without murdering the planet.
The urbanite is well adapted to her environment. Sorry tourist, I'm not even looking at you. I can't tell that you're lost and need directions. I'm staring at something else disdainfully behind these sunglasses. Oh, that homeless dude was asking me for money? I thought he was waving and helpfully providing a back beat to my ipod with his coffee cup full of change. PETA chick, I would take your stupid little flyer filled with oddly racist arguments about why animal cruelty is bad if my hands weren't so damn full with this coffee and this Blackberry.
It's best to allow a perimeter around the urbanite and to stay out of her direct path--the urbanite doesn't waver and stupid little high school girls in their school shirt who failed to get out of my way while I was walking to work this morning may have gotten knocked on her ass in a crosswalk only to have her teacher cursed at about the proper time and place for tourists when she tried to scold me. Spill my coffee on me and pay the price--I have theater tickets for tonight. You're just going to the fucking Spy Museum.
At some point when you were a youngster--for me it was like 7th grade--your school thought it was a good idea to take you to our nation's capital and brainwash you with a fine bouquet of patriotism with the faintest hint of xenophobia. You looked at monuments, visited museums, and more than anything enjoyed being away from your parents and sleeping in the same hotel where your crush was, even if there were like 30 chaperones between you and him, ready to pounce at the faintest scent of hormones.
Never did you consider the fact that that bicameral legislature that you're admiring has a whole staff of people who live and work in D.C. and keep that thing running. And that that legislature has a whole lot of corporate interests that wish to influence it and employ an army of people to do so. And that news organizations cover the relationship between the two, which they do by being chock full of staff. And that all of those staffers need to eat and shop and see movies somewhere and that there are a whole host of people who FRIGGIN' LIVE HERE AND THE CITY IS NOT A PLAYGROUND OF STATUES BUILT FOR YOUR TOURISTY AMUSEMENT! YOU DIDN'T CONSIDER IT, DID YOU!??!
Sorry, I get a little worked up. And I'm still pissed that Granny O'Grimm didn't win the Oscar for Best Animated Short. Anyways, my point is, as a tourist and visitor to this place, you should respect the local customs and try not to annoy the city's natural population--the urbanite.
Those things aren't modern day black magic, they're called escalators. And while they are, in fact, very long, they are not a photo opportunity. Kindly stand on the right and walk on the left or suffer my wrath. Oh, oh, you think I won't curse at your five year old who is "adorably" trying to run up the down escalator during morning rush hour traffic when I am running 15 minutes late to work? You are so fucking wrong.
As with most wild animals, the best way to avoid a mauling, is to keep a respectful distance from the beast, and the best way to do that, is to recognize it. So, with the help of 2B1B's graphic designer in residence AO, I give you....
The urbanite may have any or all of the evolutionary advantages listed above. And in addition to the flip flops, she may also be carting high heels in a reusable grocery bag because the guy at CVS isn't asking you if you'd like paper or plastic, he's asking you if you'd like to pay $0.05 or just manage to carry your purchases on your own without murdering the planet.
The urbanite is well adapted to her environment. Sorry tourist, I'm not even looking at you. I can't tell that you're lost and need directions. I'm staring at something else disdainfully behind these sunglasses. Oh, that homeless dude was asking me for money? I thought he was waving and helpfully providing a back beat to my ipod with his coffee cup full of change. PETA chick, I would take your stupid little flyer filled with oddly racist arguments about why animal cruelty is bad if my hands weren't so damn full with this coffee and this Blackberry.
It's best to allow a perimeter around the urbanite and to stay out of her direct path--the urbanite doesn't waver and stupid little high school girls in their school shirt who failed to get out of my way while I was walking to work this morning may have gotten knocked on her ass in a crosswalk only to have her teacher cursed at about the proper time and place for tourists when she tried to scold me. Spill my coffee on me and pay the price--I have theater tickets for tonight. You're just going to the fucking Spy Museum.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Things I Do Not Understand
I consider myself a keen observer of the human condition. I think I read people well, and I love to play armchair psychiatrist. However, there are certain behaviors that mystify me. These are just a few of them.
1) People who invite all of their Facebook to events - even their friends who live nowhere in the area.
2) People who reply to all on office-wide emails to say something personal to the sender.
3) People who ask you where you are registered for your wedding, only to buy you random crap that you can't return because it comes from some artisan store in a city where you don't live.
4) People who friend people they've never met on Facebook (FB might be a bit of a recurring theme). Is Facebook looking to make the word "friend" lose all meaning - assuming it hasn't already?
5) Anything anyone does on Metro. Seriously, that could be its own post. But, just a couple:
A) People who sit in the outside seat at rush hour on a crowded train, leaving the seat next to them empty, and then shoot you a death stare when you ask to sit down in the last available seat.
B) People who will stand in the doorway of an EMPTY train! There are empty seats, lots of standing room and they stand right in the way of people trying to enter or exit the train.
C) Tourists who ride during commute hours.
It's as though some people lie awake at night trying to figure out how to annoy other people. If they were looking to annoy me, they succeeded.
1) People who invite all of their Facebook to events - even their friends who live nowhere in the area.
2) People who reply to all on office-wide emails to say something personal to the sender.
3) People who ask you where you are registered for your wedding, only to buy you random crap that you can't return because it comes from some artisan store in a city where you don't live.
4) People who friend people they've never met on Facebook (FB might be a bit of a recurring theme). Is Facebook looking to make the word "friend" lose all meaning - assuming it hasn't already?
5) Anything anyone does on Metro. Seriously, that could be its own post. But, just a couple:
A) People who sit in the outside seat at rush hour on a crowded train, leaving the seat next to them empty, and then shoot you a death stare when you ask to sit down in the last available seat.
B) People who will stand in the doorway of an EMPTY train! There are empty seats, lots of standing room and they stand right in the way of people trying to enter or exit the train.
C) Tourists who ride during commute hours.
It's as though some people lie awake at night trying to figure out how to annoy other people. If they were looking to annoy me, they succeeded.
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