Vanity Pounds

A while ago Elle and I shared a conversation that we had about the phenomenon (common mostly to women) where you aren't fat, but you are fat for you. We were seeking help to name it. We got a couple suggestions from readers (thanks again), but nothing really encapsulated that feeling.

Well, last week I was talking with some friends. One friend had been reamed by his trainer for chewing a piece of sugarless gum. Now, given the recent diet I was on (and incidentally completely failed at), and the mounting evidence that artificial sweetener does contribute to weight gain, I semi-understood why the trainer freaked (However, one piece of gum? Really? It isn't like drinking a whole Diet Coke - or as I like to call it, the nectar of the Gods. But, I digress). Well, another friend said that it was funny his trainer freaked out, because on the Biggest Loser one of the tips the contestants are given is to chew gum. But, they are chewing gum to avoid eating a whole cake. These people have seriously weight to lose - in some cases half their body weight. They are basically one drive-thru trip away from diabetes or a heart attack. But, my friend (and most people I know) are simply trying to lose vanity pounds. That's why crap like sugarless gum matters! We have to go to extraordinary measures to lose a few pounds, because most of us are at a healthy weight.

So, that's my submission to the conversation. Let me know what you think. And, if the term vanity pounds catches on, I am totally trademarking it.

(Note to any attorneys - or recent bar takers like my fiance - I realize that I cannot actually trademark a terms without trademarking it for some product. Don't stifle my creativity with your endlessly annoying need to demonstrate legal knowledge. Go pick apart a procedural drama and leave our blog alone!)

UPDATE: Just informed by Elle that the term vanity pounds is kinda widely used. Whatever, the Donald tried to trademark "You're Fired!" so I am well within my rights here.

Help Us Name This Phenomenon

Tami: I am bloated. Sometimes I hate being female

Elle: happens to the best of us

Tami: dont let me punk out of going to the gym tonight

Elle: mmk

Tami: I did last night because I was pouty, and had bar food for dinner, which was a bad idea

Elle: yeah, but it happens when you're pouty. Just recommit to the discipline. I'm having to do it too, for I am fat

Tami: you are not fat

Elle: all of my clothes are tight. I am fat for me

Tami: ok, I buy that. Same boat

Elle: There should be a word for that--when otherwise normal/skinny girls put on a little weight that they want to get rid of, versus actually getting fat (which I would expect you to tell me "bitch, get to the gym, it's getting bad")

Tami: lol

Elle: Because I feel like so often when you're trying to honestly discuss and evaluate weight gain that you don't like and need to work on friends jump into self-esteem defense mode a la Mean Girls and are like "you're not fat! you're so skinny!"

Tami: no, it's true. i think it's really tough to be a friend sometimes. You want to be supportive,

but not mean. And there is also the girl thing that when a girl says she's fat, she wants to hear she isnt--not always, but often. It's fishing for reassurance

Elle: right, and it's really hard to assess what the friend wants

Tami: seriously

Elle: which is why there should be these two separate terms, because when a normal skinny girl says the term that means actual fat, you would know she's looking for reassurance, versus when she says the new term--whatever we decide it is--for a reasonable assessment of her size, which she'd like to work on

Tami: what is wrong with our gender though? why can't we just be more straightforward?
Elle: ha, you want us to go to our friends and be like 'I'm having a low self-esteem day, please tell me I'm still skinny?"

Tami: kinda. If you need something, ask for it...and welcome an honest response. Like, "well, honey, you have put on weight, but your skin is awesome. Let's go for a run to fix the problem."

Elle: or, "Well sweetie, you have put on some weight, but you're still on the thin size of average. Rethink that shirt though, because it's showing off your problem areas."
Tami: YES!

Exercise Alone Won't Make Us Thin

According to Time, exercise won't make us thin. If you read the article, it makes sense. Essentially, the point the author is trying to make is that most people eat more after exercising or do less other activity - we compensate. I know I have definitely felt as though I earned a treat after an especially difficult session at the gym. But, let's be realistic. If I weren't going to the gym, would I turn down that second beer or that order of fries? Unlikely. In fact, regular exercise makes me crave healthier snacks and better foods.

The real problem with this article is the coverage of it by other media. It's all about the headline, and currently there are hundreds of headlines telling people exercise is worthless. The nuances of the reporting are lost, and people are left to think they don't need to exercise if they are overweight - it won't help anyway. What Time should be telling people - in the headline and all - is that exercise ALONE won't make us thin.

Some PR Chick is Very Happy

This post on Daily Candy San Francisco has me ready to run out and buy a case of this ice cream--no break up required. Booze-infused ice cream? I'm there!

(Thx AI)

Please God, Let It Be True

Totally reasonable excuse to be rude to fat people on the metro.

Diet: Kinda Day 3 - But Really Day 1

So while I technically started the diet on Sunday, I totally cheated last night. Hence, today is officially day 1. And, I think I am going to truly hate this.

First and foremost, I love carbs and I love sugar. Hell, I love sugary carbs. Any of those are a total no-no. I have already mentioned the alcohol, but it was too painful to share this nugget before. Diet Coke is also forbidden. I live for Diet Coke. If I could hook fountain soda directly into my veins - I would. I would live in Atlanta if only never to hear a waiter say - "Diet Pepsi okay?" For the record, when asked that question, I respond, "I'll have an iced tea."

So, needless to say, the diet will be rough. But beyond giving up all these tasty treats, I have so little variety. Two meals a day will be 3 ounces of some lean meat with veggies and at least one of the remaining three involves yogurt. I am bored, and I have really only stuck to this stupid diet for 2 whole days!

Even the gym is conspiring against me! THE GYM! The place where not eating crap shouldn't be hard. But, when I dragged my grumpy (Diet Coke and carb-less) ass down there, THEY HAD PIZZA FOR THE MEMBERS! What kind of sick, twisted, sadistic shit is that?! People go there to work off pizza, not eat it. I know I won't be safe at work - there is always some sort of candy or carb-y temptation lurking. I know I am not safe at home, because the fiance is not joining me on this crazy diet. But the gym - the gym should be my sanctuary. The only smells wafting through it should be unpleasant (and believe you me, it is like a BO factory at this place).

I sometimes feel that the whole world is against me and that no one thinks I should be as thin as I want to be. To be fair, I want to be so thin as to appear almost unhealthy, but this is America, isn't it? Shouldn't I be allowed to be emaciated. Or is that only okay if I am famous? Because if so, I can get myself on a reality show and clock in for my 15 minutes.

Stupid Names

I really don't understand how people come up with the names (and supposed corresponding pronunciation) for their children. No, this is not a post about kooky celebs who want to name their kids Apple or Kalel. This post is about the normal folks who perhaps think they are being clever or creative but instead put a big fat mark of "my parent is uneducated" on their kids foreheads.

Now, as a T-A-M-I Tami (as opposed to a T-A-M-M-Y Tammy), I think I have a right to cast judgment on those who get creative with spellings. Luckily, my parents didn't get too creative (e.g. Tammiey or some such hideous misuse of the alphabet), so I can cast judgment from a place of superiority :)

Let's discuss the whacked out names of the cast members on this season of Real World (yes, I still watch - so sue me). We have the normals - Derek, Joey, and an obligatory CJ (seriously, isn't this like the 18th CJ in the 22 season history of the show?!), and then we have the girl with the normal name and silly spelling: Emilee. That sort of phonetic stuff reminds me of when I was 4 or 5 and thought "my" was spelled M-I, because I hadn't learned about the magical letter Y yet. But, considering the relative normalcy of that, we can leave it alone.

Considering her age, I would assume Jasmine's mother was a big Aladdin fan. Seriously, rule number 1 of naming a girl - do NOT name her after a Disney princess. You might this is cute, but no - just no (for the record, I am not a fan of Ariels either).

Next we have Jonna. Now, you might think, hey, that name doesn't look so weird. But it is allegedly pronounced like John A. Rule number two of naming a girl - do NOT give her a name that isn't pronounced how it is spelled. We do not have accent marks in the English language, so you cannot make up accents because you feel like it makes your kid more exotic.

Next is Ayiia. Rule number three - any noise a small dog makes when it or its tail gets stepped on is not a suitable baby name.

Finally, we have Bronne. It is almost pronounced like Brawny - you know, the paper towels. Look, if you insist on giving your kid a stupid name that makes him sound like he is a super absorbent brand of paper towel, just go for broke and spell it correctly.

Unnecessary letters and "unique" spellings do not make your child seem more interesting, creative or special. And no one thinks you are famous because you insist upon a dumb naming convention. Just suck it up and buy a baby book - or be honestly creative (just check your spelling).

Food. Damn You For Tasting So Good. Now I Can't Enjoy You Anymore

So with the wedding looming and the metabolism slowing as a result of age, I asked my sister to have her trainer design a diet for me. Let me share an excerpt:

Meal 1: I cup oatmeal cooked in water w/ 1 scoop of protein powder and a handful of mixed berries
Meal 2: 3 oz chicken, fish or turkey, 1 medium sweet potato (baked)
Meal 3: 1 VPX Protein Bar
Meal 4: 3 oz chicken, fish or turkey, 2 cups steamed veggies with 1-2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
Meal 5: Apple or pear and a handful of nuts

In addition to this stringent meal plan, I am instructed to take several vitamins and add protein powder to all kinds of stuff. When I spoke with the trainer about the diet (and address a handful of foods I refuse to eat), he explained the science behind some of this stuff to me. Apparently, I need to clear the fat from my liver (read: no alcohol) with foods like beets or artichoke extract supplements. Clearing the fat from my liver will enable my body to more efficiently burn the fat it has stored.

WHAT?!

Look, I do not profess to be a nutritionist - and I certainly don't study this stuff in my free time. But when did it get so hard not to be fat?! Our parents didn't have to weigh their food or add protein powder to yogurt to stay fit. What has become of us?

Please feel free to hazard a guess as to how long I will last on this low carb, almost zero sugar and nearly fat free (and did I mention alcohol free) diet. Maybe proving you all wrong will be just the motivation I need.