Should I Take Them Back?

Perhaps I was spoiled at my last gym. It was more than a gym; it was a health club. There were full size towels for both working out and showering. Staff routinely cleaned the machines, mats and equipment. The personal trainers were professional fitness instructors with degrees in kinesiology and other crap majors that made it impossible for them to do anything but be fitness instructors. The locker rooms were clean, and you didn't mind showering there - and they provided shampoo, conditioner, razors. Anything you needed was there.

Now, I belong to one of the large and crappy national chains. True, I have multiple locations to choose from and pay significantly less each month, but I wonder if even those perks make it worthwhile. Remember, this is the place that offers pizza to its members - those evil geniuses.

Last night I went to a cardio kick box class and the instructor repeatedly went "WOOHOO" throughout the class - WHILE WEARING THE F***ING MICROPHONE. I wished it were a contact class, so I could hit her in the face. Tonight, wasn't any better. I decided to attend spin class, in spite of my intense hatred of the activity. I find it a reliable way to get my heart rate up and work up a sweat.

Well, it was more horrible than normal. First of all, I personally believe that fitness instructors should be fit - or at least in better shape than I am. This girl...was not. Now, she wasn't morbidly obese or anything - just a bit round. This is not a condemnation of fat people (that might appear in another post), but I need to aspire to look like you in order to take you seriously. If you look like you work at Krispy Kreme, I just pity you. Her size showed itself when she gave us a break of a minute or more in between every track - in a 45 minute class. I swear, it was like 30 minutes of spin and another 15 of her "letting us rest our legs" and asking us how we were feeling. Really? REALLY? The first time you asked and no one answered, that should have been your clue we weren't into playing this little game. But, I guess someone in spin instructor school told her she needed to keep asking whether her class was enthusiastic or not.

The plot thickens as my old gym sent me an email this week asking me to come back. I am being offered $0 enrollment and a month free. It's like how when you're with someone else, the ex comes sniffing around. And you realize the new guy kinda sucks and the ex looks really good. What's a girl to do?

Diet: Kinda Day 3 - But Really Day 1

So while I technically started the diet on Sunday, I totally cheated last night. Hence, today is officially day 1. And, I think I am going to truly hate this.

First and foremost, I love carbs and I love sugar. Hell, I love sugary carbs. Any of those are a total no-no. I have already mentioned the alcohol, but it was too painful to share this nugget before. Diet Coke is also forbidden. I live for Diet Coke. If I could hook fountain soda directly into my veins - I would. I would live in Atlanta if only never to hear a waiter say - "Diet Pepsi okay?" For the record, when asked that question, I respond, "I'll have an iced tea."

So, needless to say, the diet will be rough. But beyond giving up all these tasty treats, I have so little variety. Two meals a day will be 3 ounces of some lean meat with veggies and at least one of the remaining three involves yogurt. I am bored, and I have really only stuck to this stupid diet for 2 whole days!

Even the gym is conspiring against me! THE GYM! The place where not eating crap shouldn't be hard. But, when I dragged my grumpy (Diet Coke and carb-less) ass down there, THEY HAD PIZZA FOR THE MEMBERS! What kind of sick, twisted, sadistic shit is that?! People go there to work off pizza, not eat it. I know I won't be safe at work - there is always some sort of candy or carb-y temptation lurking. I know I am not safe at home, because the fiance is not joining me on this crazy diet. But the gym - the gym should be my sanctuary. The only smells wafting through it should be unpleasant (and believe you me, it is like a BO factory at this place).

I sometimes feel that the whole world is against me and that no one thinks I should be as thin as I want to be. To be fair, I want to be so thin as to appear almost unhealthy, but this is America, isn't it? Shouldn't I be allowed to be emaciated. Or is that only okay if I am famous? Because if so, I can get myself on a reality show and clock in for my 15 minutes.

Stupid Names

I really don't understand how people come up with the names (and supposed corresponding pronunciation) for their children. No, this is not a post about kooky celebs who want to name their kids Apple or Kalel. This post is about the normal folks who perhaps think they are being clever or creative but instead put a big fat mark of "my parent is uneducated" on their kids foreheads.

Now, as a T-A-M-I Tami (as opposed to a T-A-M-M-Y Tammy), I think I have a right to cast judgment on those who get creative with spellings. Luckily, my parents didn't get too creative (e.g. Tammiey or some such hideous misuse of the alphabet), so I can cast judgment from a place of superiority :)

Let's discuss the whacked out names of the cast members on this season of Real World (yes, I still watch - so sue me). We have the normals - Derek, Joey, and an obligatory CJ (seriously, isn't this like the 18th CJ in the 22 season history of the show?!), and then we have the girl with the normal name and silly spelling: Emilee. That sort of phonetic stuff reminds me of when I was 4 or 5 and thought "my" was spelled M-I, because I hadn't learned about the magical letter Y yet. But, considering the relative normalcy of that, we can leave it alone.

Considering her age, I would assume Jasmine's mother was a big Aladdin fan. Seriously, rule number 1 of naming a girl - do NOT name her after a Disney princess. You might this is cute, but no - just no (for the record, I am not a fan of Ariels either).

Next we have Jonna. Now, you might think, hey, that name doesn't look so weird. But it is allegedly pronounced like John A. Rule number two of naming a girl - do NOT give her a name that isn't pronounced how it is spelled. We do not have accent marks in the English language, so you cannot make up accents because you feel like it makes your kid more exotic.

Next is Ayiia. Rule number three - any noise a small dog makes when it or its tail gets stepped on is not a suitable baby name.

Finally, we have Bronne. It is almost pronounced like Brawny - you know, the paper towels. Look, if you insist on giving your kid a stupid name that makes him sound like he is a super absorbent brand of paper towel, just go for broke and spell it correctly.

Unnecessary letters and "unique" spellings do not make your child seem more interesting, creative or special. And no one thinks you are famous because you insist upon a dumb naming convention. Just suck it up and buy a baby book - or be honestly creative (just check your spelling).