I Used to Like People

I used to be so gregarious, so social, so interested in other people - so much like my mother. But, as I get older, I now find my self turning into a serious misanthrope - much more like my dad. Lately, I have started to really listen to myself as I go on and on about the stupidity of this person or the irritating qualities of that person and I wonder, "what the fuck is happening to me?!"

I mean, I have friends and a relatively active social life. But, I find that increasingly I just don't like people anymore. The more I think about the problem, the more I realize that it all started when I began taking mass transit/commuting to work.

When I was growing up in Phoenix (a city but not a real city), I didn't mind crowds. I loved chatting up strangers and being places where I could meet new, interesting people. Then, after college when I began working in San Francisco, my interest in these things waned. And then I moved to DC.

DC is a really cool city. It's very young - very alive. But, it's also very full of self-important, self-aggrandizing tools. You hear it all the time on the Metro. People (especially those just out of college and working on the Hill) love to name drop. They tend to think they are literally the most important, most irreplaceable person on the face of the planet. Dare I say, many of them feel they are as (if not more) important than the politician they work for.

And because DC is such a cool city, we are infested with tourists for 9 months of the year. When Winter ends, two plagues descend on the city: the bugs the size of small vermin and tourists who have never seen the following:

Escalators
Light rail or subway systems
Malls with more than four stores
Homeless people

How do I know they have never seen these things? Simple - they take photos of them. And they always seem to manage to be in the way while doing so.

So what's a girl to do? I can't move, and even if I did, I can't go back to suburban city living. I could drive to work (thus avoiding the throngs of humanity I must interact with on mass transit), but the car takes premium and gas is more than $4.00/gallon. I guess I have no choice. I just need to resign myself to the fact that I am turning into my father (but hopefully without the mustache).

Speaking of Conversations Overheard...

As an anathema to the gross whores Tami overheard, AO found smart (and apparently attractive) girls on the Metro this morning. From her email:

Hot girl talking to hot friend: He said blowjobs are like flowers for guys. Do I get flowers everyday? No! So why should he, right?

A Bitch's Heart Grew Three Sizes That Day...

On Halloween night, I managed to lose my driver's license in New York between the parade and the bar...it was a fucking downer. I've been in a pissier mood than usual ever since.

Well, I came home today and someone had sent my ID back to my parents' house (where my ID is still from, because I don't own a car and it's $50+ cheaper) and they forwarded it along to me. I'm so damn charmed that I almost believe that humanity is basically good and decent.

Please feel free to guess at how long this mood will last and what will cause it to break.

UPDATE: 8:32 a.m. Thursday morning. F'ing Metro.

Do I Really Need to Explain My Problem with This?

There are many things that horrify me about people on the metro. I'm honestly shocked I haven't talked about more of them yet. Just in general, people think it's OK to act in barely imaginable selfish ways. But something happened today that even I've never seen.

I was doing my usual rush hour commute and the red line was crowded, as usual. I only live 2 stops from work, so it's fairly easy to put up with, but the stop in between work and home (Dupont) is particularly busy. When we got there, several people got on and off, and simply to get out of the way, I took one of the seats by the door.

These seats are the ones with ads behind them that run parallel to the train wall, rather than in perpendicular rows. The point is, sitting in these seats, you're facing out towards those who are standing. The woman standing over me first leaned in to get a good look at the ad behind me...and breathe on my forehead. I let it go.

She then proceeded to take her medium sized umbrella and propped the end of it onto her thigh, holding onto the handle part with her hand, extending her arm away from her body. That is to say, she created a triangle--her thigh and torso make up one leg of the triangle, her arm them creates the angles and forms the second leg, and the umbrella that she is holding and digging into her thigh create the base. It's also protruding threateningly at my throat.

In general, I'm very protective of my throat...too many episodes of Buffy when I was young. Aware of my over sensitivity, I tried hard to let this go--after all, it was only one stop. But then, due to a train stopped in front of us, our train came to a sudden stop and this womanbrella lurched dangerously close to my neck/face. I said to her, "excuse me?" She looked at me confused. Unsure how to explain this, I gestured at her umbrella--still conspicuously in my personal space--and mumbled "I, um..." She still seemed unconcerned.

So, I thought about it. I decided to use my "I" words. Instead of saying, "you're about to jab me in the throat with your umbrella!" I gestured to the umbrella and said, "having that there makes me nervous." (See, totally took responsibility for my feelings...that therapist I had for 3 sessions when I was 6 would be so proud.) That bitch responded by looking at me, looking at her umbrella, rolling her eyes, and saying sarcastically, "Well I certainly wouldn't want you to feel nervous."

Seriously?! Seriously?! It wasn't even raining today. And even if you weren't about to assault me with your umbrella, is there some reason you can't hold the umbrella vertically at your side like a normal person? I too love pointy objects digging into my thigh (seriously, what the fuck?), but could you perhaps not take up unnecessary space on a crowded metro? What don't people understand about this? Drop your shit down to your side, make yourself as small as possible, and try to understand that everyone else has to get home/to work as well and you're not uniquely entitled to an undue amount of space. Too easy.

It Ain't Easy Being Green

I am having a crisis of green. See, I am definitely not one of those super crunchy people who makes their own compost and uses recycled toilet paper. However, I try to do little things. I recycle, I reuse paper and plastic bags, I opt for tupperware and canvas grocery bags to cut back on trash, and I use kitty litter made of corn for our cat. I also, until recently, relyed pretty much solely on public transportation to get me to work each day. But then, my fiance started working downtown as well. And, since the shuttle that picks us up from Metro at our complex stops running at 7:10 and he is working in a law firm, making that last shuttle isn't always feasible. So, we explored driving to work. And it is heaven!

We only live about 5 miles from where we work, so even with heavy traffic it's like 20-25 minutes door-to-door. On the shuttle, it is closer to 40 door-to-door AND we have to listen to the annoying shuttle driver prattle on about his dwindling bank account or his crazy night out - not to mention the hell that is Metro at commute hours. We also both have the luxury of leaving work when we want and not having to wait longer for the Metro after 7:00 pm or worrying about how to get home if we miss the shuttle.

But, then there's the environmental impact. It's true that we do carpool, but Metro is certainly the greener option. So I guess my crisis boils down to how much I care. Should I prioritize my convenience or the planet? It's really a tough call.

I'm Feeling Morally Ambivalent

I hate children. Many of you may know this. I don't really think they're people, they scare the shit out of me, and in general I resent having them in the same places that I am. If anyone has venture capital in this economy, I'd like to start a chain of restaurants, hotels, airlines, etc. that are over 21 only.

That being the case, I've been known to bitch loudly when a child is making noise in what I would consider "grown up space." This is everything from the metro at rush hour to restaurants to nice stores. I just think that really you shouldn't be bringing your kid there. Make alternate arrangements. Watch the Sex and the City episode entitled "A Woman's Right to Shoes." Having kids is your choice...just don't force your bad decision on me.

That being said, I try pretty hard not to hit children--particularly other people's children. And so far I've succeeded. Somehow even the little devil on my shoulder thinks that seems wrong. But alas, not this gent from near where I grew up. I have some sympathy for him--crying kids and the parents who do nothing about it are fucking annoying. On the other hand, he looks like the meanest man ever. And it might be kind of wrong.

Commute Hours Are For Commuters

Dear Tourists, school trips, and other youth field trippers,

So I admit that I do not know when commute hours start, but I can tell you exactly when they end. In the morning, 9:30 and at night, 7:00.

The other day, I get on the increasingly crowded Metro (how does this investigation on the red line mean that the blue line can't run 8 car trains?!), and there is an entire f***ing Girl Scout troop on there. And those little bitches don't even have any cookies. They don't know how to hang on and go flying every which way every time the train speeds up or slows down. They are all clustered in the doorway making it incredibly difficult for people to get on or off and they are taking up seats. I seriously don't get it. If you wait until 9:30, the Metro will be less crowded and CHEAPER! Do you really need to get to the National Mall by 9? Really? Because I actually need to get to work by 9, so I DON'T HAVE THE OPTION TO AVOID YOU. And do not get me started on the escalator factor... HOW HARD IS IT TO STAND TO THE RIGHT?!

I know I grew up in total urban sprawl, but our field trips were on rented school buses. Why is it that people think taking 40 kids on the Metro, during commute hours, is a good idea? I'll give you a hint, it isn't. Field trippers, do everyone a favor and pay the extra money to rent a bus. And tourists, just go home.

Please God, Let It Be True

Totally reasonable excuse to be rude to fat people on the metro.

A Plea to Individuals Intending to Commit Suicide on the Metro...

Don't be a douche bag.

Really? We don't have enough problems with the recent crash and circuit issues? Really? You thought the best way to express your depression was to throw yourself in front of an on-coming train on a Friday afternoon when those of us who still have the will to get up and go to our jobs just want to get home or out of town? When you planned this suicide, did you actively think of how to do it so that you inconvenienced and emotionally scarred as many people as possible?

Apparently this is a thing. What's worse, it's an ineffective thing. That article cites 15 attempts since 2007, with only seven being successful. I know of two more since then, including today, and I don't know what happened with the first, but the dude today was "rescued."

If you want to off yourself, far be it from me to stop you. I have one friend who whines all the time and if you'd rather kill yourself than make someone listen to you, I call that considerate...unless you go and do it in the world's most inconsiderate way. And if you are going to be the d-bag that disrupts Friday rush hour, wouldn't you like to kill yourself in a way that actually gets the job done? I can't imagine you're in great shape after being hit by a metro train, "rescued" or not. Do you really want to wake up in a hospital bed feeling like you got run over by a train with an entire city annoyed with you? Can I offer you a shot gun?

The Red Line is a Mess and, Bitch, You're Not Helping.

For those of you not from DC, the red line is very, very important. It runs through the middle of the city--including to the Senate side of the Capitol and the K Street corridor where the lobbyists work, it's one of the few lines that at no point has another line running parallel to it and, most importantly, it's where I both live and work.

There was a deadly crash on the red line recently and (this will sound callous) but it's made it really hard for me to get around. (I'm a selfish bitch. What?) Trains that once ran every 2 minutes now run every 8. When they pull up, they're often too full to get on. When you do get on a train, well, there's some cuddling going on.

As bad as this is, we're all in it together. Well, most of us. The following bitches are not helping the situation:

• Purse whores. I don't know if you've noticed, but people get larger up top and are slimmer at the legs. Take your big ass bag and hold it in your hand by your knees rather than on your shoulder. Extra bitch points to chicks who are now carrying 2+ bags (what the hell do you have in there?!)
• Train readers. I get it. I like to read on a long train ride too. However, when everyone's crowded in the train, you can't spread out your full Washington Post, deal with it.
  
• Pole huggers. No, not strippers. I love strippers. I'm talking about the people who wrap their arms around the pole that one holds onto and press their body up against it (usually a corollary to reading the paper.) Do you not see that you're denying others a place to hold onto?! Some of us can't reach the bars on the ceiling. You're even more selfish than I am.

And to the girl on the train this morning that was all three, die.