Oh Television, How I Missed You

Like an addict in detox all summer, I love the week after Labor Day. In fact, I was so desperate for my fix that I happily watched Modern 90210 last night which, as an obsessive fan of the original, I happen to think pretty much blows.

Actually, taking this addiction metaphor one step farther (largely because I've just started watching The Wire on DVD), it's not like I gave up TV during the summer shit season, the quality of my TV stash was just, well, stepped on. God help me, I actually watched the TV series version of 10 Things I Hate About You. Oh September, you bringer of high quality, mind rotting product, you.

No doubt this will be a multi-part homage to the return of television season (from both myself and Tami), but I'll kick us off...

Modern 90210

You still suck and bother me. Also I have no idea what's going on. But, whenever Silver decided to cut her hair and Adriana decided to grow it long, well, good choice.

I could spend my time wondering when the hell Silver got to hang out with the cool kids...and when she slept with Ethan?! But instead, I'll just focus on how much hotter Brenda and Dylan were than any of the anorexic youngsters on the modern incarnation. (By the way, is any of the original cast still on the show? I didn't see any, but I guess school is still out or whatever.)

Modern Melrose Place

Given the theme of this blog, you may have thought I was counting down to the premier of Modern Melrose Place. I was not. Modern 90210 was such a disappointment--so poorly acted, so obnoxiously squeaky clean (at least they were true to the original there)--that I had just given up hope that new MP would be any good.

I was wrong. Where the original MP started out with the good kid, life lesson format fitting a 90210 spin off and then quickly devolved into drastic character changes and drama, the new MP starts off naughty...and I like it. I was skeptical when they killed Sydney in the first scene--afterall, everyone's tried to kill Sydney from pimps to her husband-at-the-time. (I'd have said "spoiler alert," but seriously, it's the first scene.)

I will also say, I can't help with shows like M.90210 and M.MP but to watch the first couple episodes and try to fit the new folks into the archetypes of the old show. I thought Katie Cassidy was the new Amanda Woodward, and she may well still be, but I was surprised and delighted to find that she was the twist on the gay character. Rockin.

It could still go wrong--and I'd had a cocktail or two upon watching (don't judge)--but so far I think New MP is all right.

America's Next Top Model

Oh. God. Tyra. Why?

First and foremost, I wonder every season if professing Tyra worship is a prerequisite to getting on the show. Like if Naomi Campbell assumed a pseudonym and went to casting but said at every opportunity what a moronic, desperate narcissist Tyra is, would they cut her ass? Pretty sure. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's why Elyse way back in "cycle" 1.

Now, more pressingly, short chicks aren't models. Yeah yeah, changing the standard of beauty, yadda yadda Tyra has low self esteem, blah blah blah. When it was plus-sized models, that was one thing--there's a category in the industry for them...and a category that could become more popular. This isn't an issue of discrimination, we're not breaking racial barriers here or anything to that effect. I'm 5'3" (yes, 1/4 inch shorter than the shortest chick they have on the show.) I learned long ago that designers don't make clothes for me. I'm over it.

And you know what makes me more over it? When every comment about the photos is whether or not the girl looks long enough. It's not changing the standard of beauty when what you're trying to do is take short girls and photograph them so that they look tall. It's like saying you don't discriminate against black models and then asking them to wear make-up/hair/clothes that make them look white (which, of course, is a controversy in the industry as well.)

Last and never least, god do I love the crazy Christian archetype on cycle after cycle of ANTM. This particular season's may well have been the f'ing craziest. She was weirdly loud and screamed "Thank you, Jesus! We're going to save the world!" when she was selected as a finalist. You can't beat that kind of crazy, and I'm terminally depressed that she decided not to continue on "for personal reasons." I wanted to see that crazy bitch do a nude shoot.

Top Chef
Padma, did you get hotter?!