Versace! Cavalli! Vogue! Cover Girl?!

This season of America's Next Top Model takes the ridiculous cake. Now, Elle's and my love-hate relationship with Tyrant Banks is well-documented insofar as we love to hate her and have blogged about it frequently. Season after season we've called her narcissistic, fake, crazy, and clueless. But, she's a pretty savvy businesswoman - she's built an empire for herself. And yet, this season just tells me she is dumb.

As anyone who has watched cycle 15 can attest, they have attempted to elevate the competition. They are looking for a girl who is more high fashion. And they have had some pretty incredible guest judges like DVF, Pat Fields, Zac Posen, Margherita Missoni, and more (definitely no low-rent Kim Kardashians or Lauren Conrads for this bunch). And while some of the photo shoots/challenges have been absurd (H2T Water - is that really a thing?! And if so, does Tyra own it? And what about Tyra's directorial debut. WTF was that?! Like, is a video editorial a real thing - or is this Tyra trying to start another trend like the overuse of "fierce" or "smizing"? Or will this just be another failed attempt at a career change - like her music video. Sorry, I am getting off topic here), this season has definitely felt less commercial - save for one thing: the Cover Girl contract.

If they are truly looking for a high fashion model, then they are not looking for someone who can do Cover Girl. You know who are the biggest CG spokespeople currently? Drew Barrymore and Queen Latifah. Nothing about either of those women screams high fashion to me. CG's whole schtick is about approachable beauty. High fashion is in diametric opposition to approachable. And do not even get me started on the Walmart challenge from early in the season...

Furthermore, they keep harping on personality. I get that models need to book jobs, but high fashion or couture runway girls are glorified hangers. I bet most of the really successful fashion models working today have the personality of a wet rag - you cannot have a personality and be that thin. You're just too hungry and hunger makes people lethargic and/or bitchy. Maybe those aren't the models who we know by name, but none of these girls on ANTM are going to be as successful as Gisele or even Tyra (who, incidentally, are both famous for their commercial work). If we see them after the show, we only know their names because of the show. The goal should be to work - and make money, not to be a top model - and I don't care what the show is called. I don't "idolize" Kelly Clarkson. Richard Hatch is a douchebag and a criminal - not a "survivor." There is nothing remotely real about "The Real World." The only truthful reality show name is "I Love Money." But "America's Next Working Model Who Can Support Herself as a Model" isn't as catchy a title.

I support the search for an actual editorial model. I think it is an interesting twist (certainly more interesting than the midget season), but if you're going to do it, really commit. Ditch the Cover Girl cash cow, don't let the girls within 1000 yards of a Walmart, and stop trying to force girls who lack personality to prove they have one - they don't. And guess what, if the clothes look good, they photos are hot, and they can walk a runway, they will work - and probably be more successful than the winner.

What is Still Wrong with Tyra Banks?

Cycle 14 of ANTM premiered this week, and it seems like the standard fair. Tyrant still dresses like a mental patient and overuses the term "fierce" to the point that if it ever had a meaning, it would have lost all of it. There are so many teen mothers in this Top Model pool you'd think she was running a halfway house instead of a modeling competition.

There are the clueless hood rats - in fact, one of them actually referred to herself as "classy ghetto." Yeah, because such a thing exists. There are the powder keg girls who explode seemingly for no reason. Okay, those are the same girls are the clueless hood rats. Interestingly though, they are not the teen mothers. In fact, two of the teen moms claim to have gotten knocked up from their first time, and are more bumpkin than hood rat. Seriously, the only things these girls know how to model are the stereotypes they represent.

All in all, the season promises to be kinda boring, but I will make sure to keep watching - just in case something interesting or original actually happens.

Welcome Back, Pretty People With Severe Emotional Problems

Spring has sprung! The snow is melting, the temperatures are consistently above freezing, and CW premiers Gossip Girl, Melrose Place, 90210, and ANTM all in one week. I haven't even had the opportunity to watch all the premiers yet. But, I am excited to pour some wine and finish clearing the DVR.

First, Melrose has rid its self of the odious Asslee Simpson. The only reason she worked on the show is:

1) She bared an eerie resemblance to Laura Leighton (who was supposed to be here mom)
2) Her character was bat-shit insane, which makes her poor acting seem almost passable
3) She got all that surgery and made herself reasonable to look at

While the current Amanda Woodward plot seems a little lame (seriously, Sydney had some painting that was worth a lot of money and Amanda's big scheme is to reclaim it from a dead woman?!), more Heather Locklear has saved that show in the past. All in all, I think the season is promising!

As for 90210, it seems to keep improving. It certainly bares no resemblance to any sort of reality, but at least it pokes fun at itself (like when Anna Lynne McCord spends too much time tanning, and they mock her character for it). I cannot get behind the Rumor Willis thing (it's sad really, the girl got all the worst parts of pre-surgery Demi, and it isn't like there is that much good to take from Bruce) - both her character and her casting. I get they want to be all edgy with a lesbian relationship, but it's a little out of left field and if they wanted to make a character gay, Navid or Silver are much more believable than Adriana. And while Shanae Grimes is still unwatchable, at least they are continuing to torture the character.

The new judge on ANTM seems ridic, and we meet Serena's father on GG (and he's a Baldwin - literally, not the way Cher Horowitz meant it in Clueless).

It's going to be a good Spring for my TiVo! What are you most looking forward to?

ANTM: Shorter Models and Smaller Budget

The recession has clearly hit ANTM. While there still appears to be ample money for Tyrant's weaves and drag ensembles, the rest of the show appears to be done on the cheap.

Exhibit A: The loss of Paulina Porizkova (or any 5th judge for that matter)

Paulina was that great combination of bitch and sage. She was, as Tyra would say, "fierce" but old enough that Tyra wasn't threatened. Little clue: when Tyra says "legendary" she means "much older than me."

Now there are only 4 judges with a guest judge - who often seems pretty bargain basement (e.g. Lauren Conrad) or is a FOT (friend of Tyra).

Exhibit B: The prizes seem to be less extravagant

Rather than giving the winning girl and 3 friends jewelry or any of them expensive shoes/clothes (and yes, I do know that one challenge winner did get a boat load of free designer duds), most of the prizes are advertorials in Seventeen, extra frames at photo shoots, or Wal-Mart gift cards.

Exhibit C: The trip to Hawaii

Each season the final six girls head to a "fashion capital" to finish out the competition. Well, this year's fashion capital is Hawaii. Now, I've been a little suspect as to whether or not previous destinations constituted fashion capitals (Johannesburg, I am looking at you), but Tyra didn't even pretend Hawaii is a place for fashion. Sure, they shoot plenty of swimsuit catalogues and Victoria's Secret crap there, but flip flops and swimwear do not a fashion destination make.

Exhibit D: The discount contestants

It's almost like Tyra went with short girls because she couldn't afford full-sized ones this year.

I Made it All the Way Through Gossip Girl...

Unlike Tami, and there's something really wrong with Tyra Banks.

She played her usual character: over-acted hysteria and high maintenance behavior. But wait! That's not who she really is, she's just been manipulated and taken advantage of by all of her handlers! Snore. I've already seen this character on ANTM and the Tyra Banks Show. Yes Tyra, you're very misunderstood...you and every 15 year-old girl in America.

Also, HilDuff looks chunky. She got too thin for a minute there, but she's swung too far the other way now. Or maybe it was just the heinous styling.

(In contrast, shout out to LH who sat next to the beautiful and fabulous Blake Lively at lunch today.)

What Else Is Wrong with Tyra Banks

It is well-established that both Elle and I find Tyrant Banks incredibly irritating and plan to write about her often. So, consider this "What's Wrong with Tyra Banks" to be somewhat of a regular column.

Elle was spot-on in her earlier recap of this week's ANTM. The whole scarf thing was ridiculous. Tyrant's set-ups for photo shoots are just getting lamer and lamer (i.e. more and more about her life and experiences). The girls are constantly "embodying" something ludicrous like natural disasters, political issues, and Tyra before she goes to bed.

But I still cannot get over the whole premise of this particular season. Girls under 5'7'' get a shot to be America's Next Top Model, and Tyra gets their undying devotion for giving them this amazing opportunity. But that's not the weirdest part. The weirdest part is that Tyra lets them all wear flats to judging. See, during a normal season, the "short girls" - the ones that are 5'7'' - are routinely chastised for wearing flats to judging. They are told that because their height already puts them at a disadvantage, they should be living in heels. I somehow think they were actually barred from wearing heels this season. I think Tyra - in her never-ending effort to "change the industry" - forbids them from wearing heels. But, I think it's more about her ability to tower over them at her height, plus stilettos, so she can remind them that she is, as Elle posits, America's Next (and only) Top Model.

I Think I've Isolated Tyra Banks's Pathology

(Yes, we're going to rip on Tyra on a weekly basis. Those who object will be banned from the readership.)

Tyra believes that she is America's Next Top Model. This is the problem. Every cycle, when she says "one of you will be America's Next Top Model," what she means is "I am America's top model and none of you little bitches will ever challenge my title." This is why no one on that show ever goes on to modeling success.

How else do you explain her appearing between each girl's photo shoot--shot by Tyra, of course. Memo to the Tyrant, being a model doesn't make you a photographer. Deal with it. Get me Annie Leibovitz--wearing different colored head scarves, talking about the girls' performance, doing crazy shit with the scarves and making her ridiculous accents. And of course, there were choice self-love quotes (from memory):

"The reason you had to unwrap my whole body from that huge scarf is because you're going to wear head scarves in your photo shoot." Right, because that makes sense. Clearly the same thing.

"You're going to wear head scarves, so you're going to look like me when I go to bed." Yes Tyra, you and every other chick with your hair type, which is roughly an entire ethnic group.

"I was really excited to shoot Ashley because she was my girl that I found on my talk show and now I'm shooting her during my television show." Fuck it, Ashley wins.

Tyra, look into shock therapy.

Jay Manuel is actually a totally decent art director. I don't know how he puts up with this.

And what the balls is Tyra (and Hillary Duff at that) doing on Gossip Girl next week? I feel a shark jump coming on.

What Someone Else Thinks Is Wrong with Tyra Banks

The good news for Tyra Banks: she was in Ad Age.

The bad news for Tyra Banks: the article is completely accurate.

Thanks MHS!

What is Wrong with Tyra Banks?!

Ok, so I think there is no question that Tyra Banks is a narcissist. I mean, I have seen episodes of Tyra where she will ask a guest a question and as they begin to answer, she interjects with a story about her! Joel McHale loves to show a clip of Tyra pointing to herself and joyfully saying "Me!" TV Without Pity rightly calls her Tyrant (and believe me, I plan to borrow that phrase often).

But on this last episode of ANTM, she dressed in spandex and a cape and called herself Super Smize - as in smiles with her eyes. There were even cheesy effects where there were little flashes coming off her as she posed and smiled with her eyes.

Then, she actually cast Lauren Conrad of The Hills fame to be a guest judge?! That girl's only talent is letting cameras follow her all day and not rolling her eyes at Audrina whenever she talks.

For the love of all that is holy, Tyrant - it's bad enough that you think the world revolves around you, but don't do anything else to overstate the importance of the MTV/VH1 reality "stars".

Fall TV Season - It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Ah, yes! The fall television season. There is always so much promise - and my two Tivos (yes, you read that right, my two Tivos) are all aflutter with anticipation. So far, it has not disappointed.

Now, to be fair, not that much has gotten started yet. But, the incredibly stylish and addictive Mad Men has been superb, and my guilty pleasures are back with a vengeance.

Now, I know Elle already talked a bit about 90210, Melrose, and ANTM, but I have a few things to add to her "Part 1" posting.

First, I must disagree with her assessment of the new 9-0. Now, don't get me wrong, the first season went off the rails hard core. It was trying to lure in viewers of the original with Kelly, Donna and Brenda nostalgia, but that really only served to make the adults more interesting than the so-called main characters. Plus, AnnaLynn McCord appeared to be unable to act her way out of a box. Don't ask what that actually means. I am trying to creatively say she was wooden and horrible. But, much like the shiteous addictive quality of the final seasons of the original, I could not stop watching the remake. It was like a hideous trainwreck - like Tori Spellings botched boob job - it was confusing, horrifying, and I simply could not look away.

This season though - this season has a different quality. First of all, I swear ALMcC appears to have taken acting lessons. Plus, the writing has improved. It also has that wonderfully soapy quality of ridiculous plot lines peppered with bitchy dialogue. I think the show actually has promise. Plus, the actresses are so ridiculously skinny that I don't feel bad about myself. I just want to strap them to a chair and force feed them McDonalds because they look about 3 seconds away from passing out.

Next, ANTM. I fully agree with Elle here. I also find it hilarious that Tyra cast short girls. You know she only did that because she felt the regular wannabe models (who, incidentally are lucky to get a gig with Wal-Mart after the show ends) weren't nearly appreciative enough of the opportunity. Literally every girl this season has expressed undying gratitude to the Tyra(nt), because "no one else would give us this shot. What she's doing is amazing." You get the idea.

Finally, the Melrose reboot. I am really proud that this time around they realized that not everyone in LA is white. There is actually some diversity in the cast. And yes, the plotlines are still totally over-the-top and delicious. Girl decides to prostitute herself to pay for med school? PRICELESS. Not even Passions could have come up with that shit.

I am also looking forward to the new season of Gossip Girl, the premier of The Beautiful Life: TBL (BTW - how stupid is that acronym in the title?), How I Met Your Mother, Big Bang Theory, and a myriad of new shows that look promising as well old favorites I simply cannot quit.

Oh Television, How I Missed You

Like an addict in detox all summer, I love the week after Labor Day. In fact, I was so desperate for my fix that I happily watched Modern 90210 last night which, as an obsessive fan of the original, I happen to think pretty much blows.

Actually, taking this addiction metaphor one step farther (largely because I've just started watching The Wire on DVD), it's not like I gave up TV during the summer shit season, the quality of my TV stash was just, well, stepped on. God help me, I actually watched the TV series version of 10 Things I Hate About You. Oh September, you bringer of high quality, mind rotting product, you.

No doubt this will be a multi-part homage to the return of television season (from both myself and Tami), but I'll kick us off...

Modern 90210

You still suck and bother me. Also I have no idea what's going on. But, whenever Silver decided to cut her hair and Adriana decided to grow it long, well, good choice.

I could spend my time wondering when the hell Silver got to hang out with the cool kids...and when she slept with Ethan?! But instead, I'll just focus on how much hotter Brenda and Dylan were than any of the anorexic youngsters on the modern incarnation. (By the way, is any of the original cast still on the show? I didn't see any, but I guess school is still out or whatever.)

Modern Melrose Place

Given the theme of this blog, you may have thought I was counting down to the premier of Modern Melrose Place. I was not. Modern 90210 was such a disappointment--so poorly acted, so obnoxiously squeaky clean (at least they were true to the original there)--that I had just given up hope that new MP would be any good.

I was wrong. Where the original MP started out with the good kid, life lesson format fitting a 90210 spin off and then quickly devolved into drastic character changes and drama, the new MP starts off naughty...and I like it. I was skeptical when they killed Sydney in the first scene--afterall, everyone's tried to kill Sydney from pimps to her husband-at-the-time. (I'd have said "spoiler alert," but seriously, it's the first scene.)

I will also say, I can't help with shows like M.90210 and M.MP but to watch the first couple episodes and try to fit the new folks into the archetypes of the old show. I thought Katie Cassidy was the new Amanda Woodward, and she may well still be, but I was surprised and delighted to find that she was the twist on the gay character. Rockin.

It could still go wrong--and I'd had a cocktail or two upon watching (don't judge)--but so far I think New MP is all right.

America's Next Top Model

Oh. God. Tyra. Why?

First and foremost, I wonder every season if professing Tyra worship is a prerequisite to getting on the show. Like if Naomi Campbell assumed a pseudonym and went to casting but said at every opportunity what a moronic, desperate narcissist Tyra is, would they cut her ass? Pretty sure. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's why Elyse way back in "cycle" 1.

Now, more pressingly, short chicks aren't models. Yeah yeah, changing the standard of beauty, yadda yadda Tyra has low self esteem, blah blah blah. When it was plus-sized models, that was one thing--there's a category in the industry for them...and a category that could become more popular. This isn't an issue of discrimination, we're not breaking racial barriers here or anything to that effect. I'm 5'3" (yes, 1/4 inch shorter than the shortest chick they have on the show.) I learned long ago that designers don't make clothes for me. I'm over it.

And you know what makes me more over it? When every comment about the photos is whether or not the girl looks long enough. It's not changing the standard of beauty when what you're trying to do is take short girls and photograph them so that they look tall. It's like saying you don't discriminate against black models and then asking them to wear make-up/hair/clothes that make them look white (which, of course, is a controversy in the industry as well.)

Last and never least, god do I love the crazy Christian archetype on cycle after cycle of ANTM. This particular season's may well have been the f'ing craziest. She was weirdly loud and screamed "Thank you, Jesus! We're going to save the world!" when she was selected as a finalist. You can't beat that kind of crazy, and I'm terminally depressed that she decided not to continue on "for personal reasons." I wanted to see that crazy bitch do a nude shoot.

Top Chef
Padma, did you get hotter?!