I Used to Like People

I used to be so gregarious, so social, so interested in other people - so much like my mother. But, as I get older, I now find my self turning into a serious misanthrope - much more like my dad. Lately, I have started to really listen to myself as I go on and on about the stupidity of this person or the irritating qualities of that person and I wonder, "what the fuck is happening to me?!"

I mean, I have friends and a relatively active social life. But, I find that increasingly I just don't like people anymore. The more I think about the problem, the more I realize that it all started when I began taking mass transit/commuting to work.

When I was growing up in Phoenix (a city but not a real city), I didn't mind crowds. I loved chatting up strangers and being places where I could meet new, interesting people. Then, after college when I began working in San Francisco, my interest in these things waned. And then I moved to DC.

DC is a really cool city. It's very young - very alive. But, it's also very full of self-important, self-aggrandizing tools. You hear it all the time on the Metro. People (especially those just out of college and working on the Hill) love to name drop. They tend to think they are literally the most important, most irreplaceable person on the face of the planet. Dare I say, many of them feel they are as (if not more) important than the politician they work for.

And because DC is such a cool city, we are infested with tourists for 9 months of the year. When Winter ends, two plagues descend on the city: the bugs the size of small vermin and tourists who have never seen the following:

Escalators
Light rail or subway systems
Malls with more than four stores
Homeless people

How do I know they have never seen these things? Simple - they take photos of them. And they always seem to manage to be in the way while doing so.

So what's a girl to do? I can't move, and even if I did, I can't go back to suburban city living. I could drive to work (thus avoiding the throngs of humanity I must interact with on mass transit), but the car takes premium and gas is more than $4.00/gallon. I guess I have no choice. I just need to resign myself to the fact that I am turning into my father (but hopefully without the mustache).

9021-NO

As is well-documented, Elle and I love the CW schlock – especially the 9-0 reboot and the prematurely canceled Melrose revisited. But, perhaps sadly, it runs deeper for me. I almost have a maternal attachment to the show. I feel invested.

Let me explain. I had such high hopes before the show premiered. I was like a proud new mama that thought her baby could do anything! Be anyone! Go anywhere! And then the terrible twos set in. The show was horrid. Anna Lynn McCord was wooden, Shenae Grimes confused emoting with the look one gets on their face when constipated, and they revealed how poorly the beloved Brenda Walsh had aged. But then there was hope. The show grew into a precocious child, renewing the sense of promise it once had. The story lines were interesting. The acting was better. Sure, it was still a sudsy ridiculous soap, but it was fun!

And now, we appear to have hit the teen years. Those dreaded teen years. The once fanciful implausible plots have become dark, moody, and just plain stupid. For example, on a recent Spring Break trip to Mexico (on a private jet?!), Annie got bit by a monkey, Ivy realized she didn’t need pot to surf (seriously, WTF), and Adriana replaced Silver’s medicine for her bi-polar disorder with Tylenol.

I have watched a lot of soap opera villains do a lot of crazy shit, but I don’t even get to what end one would replace someone’s medication for being manic-depressive. Does she want her to commit suicide? No, that’s too dark. Does she want her to go manic so her boyfriend breaks up with her? Probably, but in what real world situation would someone break up with their bipolar girlfriend (when he knows she is bipolar) for having a manic or depressive episode? I mean, wouldn’t one of her dozens of friends and loved ones who all know about her condition just intervene and suggest she see her doctor to readjust her meds?

There is always hope that the post-teenage years will straighten out this wayward TV show. But, what I guess makes me the most nervous is that perhaps it isn’t the show. Perhaps it’s me. Maybe it is finally time to stop watching shows whose target audiences get the appeal of Justin Bieber. Could it be that it isn't the shows growing pains but my own that I am reacting to?

Nah. It's the show.

Adventures in NOLA

This bitch recently spent a glorious long weekend in NOLA. I got some sun, gained what feels like 5 pounds, and experienced a few things worth blogging about!

Things I learned in New Orleans:

1) The Ritz Carlton Hotel has the song “Puttin’ on the Ritz” on a seemingly endless loop

2) Bourbon street smells exactly how you think it would – a combination of spilled drinks, urine, vomit and hot dog cart (and vomit that has an air of eau de hot dog cart and hurricane)

3) You do not want to work at Café Du Monde

4) Nicholas Cage doesn’t know his own address but apparently knows Dog the Bounty Hunter

5) Delta has the world’s rudest flight attendant in its employ. Her name is Ashleigh, and she literally berated my husband for requesting another soda (politely mind you). The exchange was as follows:

Mr. Bitch: Excuse me. May I have another Coke when you have a minute? (No, I am rewriting history to make him more polite).

Ashleigh (an actual bitch): I can’t just give everyone another soda. I already gave you the full can, which I am not supposed to do. We can’t just give everyone multiple cans of soda.

Mr. Bitch: Okay…

Ashleigh: Walks off to the back of the plane in a huff

As soon as we landed, I promptly tweeted about the incident: @Delta rudest flight attendant on #3410 MSY->DCA. "Ashleigh" berated my husband 4 requesting another coke. U condone rudeness 2 save soda?

To Delta’s credit, I did receive a prompt reply from @DeltaAssist. But, I am uncertain anything came of it. And, it isn’t enough.

First and foremost, when did it become obnoxious to ask for another soda (literally the only free thing on a flight anymore)? If it is a supply issue (which, this was a commuter flight so it might have been), then just say that. Don’t berate a paying customer for a simple request – one, I might mention, that is complied with on ANY OTHER major or budget carrier than flies the friendly skies.

Beyond that, when did it become acceptable for flight attendants – the customer service representative on the flight – to hate their customers so much? No, we weren’t in first class, but if you hate serving people, FIND ANOTHER LINE OF WORK.

And finally, why do we as paying consumers stand for asinine policies and rudeness? The airport is enough of a horror show without being treated like scum once on the plane.

So, readers, if there are any of you left due to the infrequency of recent posts, help me. I need to craft a complaint letter to Delta, and I am open to suggestions! Please submit your comments and help me take a stand for every mistreated coach passenger on any flight!

Overheard on Metro

I think it's time for a new segment on 2B1B: Overheard on Metro (or heretofore to be called OOM). This week I feel as though I heard an inordinate amount of inane chatter.

So, for as long as this amuses me, a new feature: OOM

In response to a story about a home burglary: "I leave my door unlocked at night just hoping someone will try to mess with me. It's like that time the guy with the gun tried to rob me, and I dared him to shoot me. I said, if you're gonna do it, do it!"

Please comment and share your overheard on metro moments!

Another Brilliant Tumblr

I was once a cat owner. I lost her in my "divorce." (And I gave her my super rad cat name that I'd been saving until I was an adult and had a pet and my mother couldn't be like "that's so mean, why don't you name her after a season or something." Actually, my mother did say that, but I named the cat Trouble anyway, because they're mischievous and there's nothing you can do about it. And now my ex-wife has my awesome pet name for all eternity and I write little plays in my diary about a weird cat custody scenario where I'm the total dad in the situation and I'm like "Look, it's not that I don't love you, it's that your mother's an unhinged bitch, and noooow she's asking me to pay child support, can you believe that? Oh, sport, you know I'd love to have you come stay with me, but I'm in the one bedroom now, ya know, and work's keeping me really late. As soon as I get a bigger place and another promotion, I promise." Ok, I don't have a diary, but I just made that up for you all right here and now.)

Tami continues to be a cat owner because her marriage is more stable than mine was (because no one in the scenario is batshit insane), so I am now a cat aunt. Anyways, anyone who has ever had a cat and a sexual relationship at the same time knows to shut the door or suffer the fate documented on Cats Watching You Have Sex, which I am honoring as the 2B1B Tumblr blog of the week (a semi-recurring award).

If You Aren't Watching Pretty Little Liars, It Is Time to Start

It’s no secret that I love me some stupid TV. I like to think of it as brain candy or the antidote to a stressful day. Thankfully, one of my (and Elle’s) favorite guilty pleasures is back: Pretty Little Liars.

For the uninitiated, PLL is the story of five best friends, one of whom disappears and is found dead a year later. The actors playing the title little liars are largely nobodies (with the sort of exception of Lucy Kate Hale, who has had a failed show every televisions season up until now. I was starting to think she was cursed considering both Privileged and the Bionic Woman reboot failed with her in a starring role), but two of the moms are played by Laura “Sydney Andrews Mancini” Leighton and Holly Marie Combs of Charmed fame. Anyway, the liars are tormented by a mysterious person named “A” who knows all their secrets – and tells them. “A” also seems to know who killed the 5^th friend, and the other four can’t resist trying to find out who both “A” and the killer are. But doing so puts them in a compromising situation – especially considering they all seem to make pretty horrific personal choices.

Now that you have a brief background, allow me to give you a list of reasons to watch:

• The title doesn’t lie – the show is full of pretty people
• If you miss Melrose as much as Elle and I do, this is your replacement for campy, totally off-the-wall story lines (e.g. Laura Leighton’s character actually sleeps with a police officer to keep her daughter out of trouble and steals from the bank where she works to keep her and her daughter in designer goods)
• It’s on ABC Family, so it repeats like 1000 times per week, making it easy to stay up-to-date without DVR conflicts
• It’s way less infuriating than Gossip Girl
• Because Elle and I say so!

In Defense of Angelina

So how many years (and how many children) later are we still hearing about Jennifer Aniston vs. Angelina Jolie?! Enough already!

I am going to say that I think Brad Pitt is a better fit with Angelina Jolie – and I am also going to assert that I don’t think Jennifer Aniston is the super cool, amazingly chill chick everyone makes her out to be. I bet (and have heard) that she is a HUGE bitch.

Quite honestly, I don’t get what the whole love affair with Jen is about. She always plays that same girl next door with an edge (and yes, I saw the Good Girl and Friends with Money – I wasn’t impressed). I think women like her because her beauty is more or less average – and very approachable. I am not saying she is ugly, but I mean, think about it. If you are Courtney Cox, how hot do you feel next to Jennifer Aniston?

I sort of think it’s easy to hop on the “let’s hate Angelina” bandwagon. The woman is beautiful – very striking – and her figure is (well, was – now she is a bit too thin) out of control amazing. I know she doesn’t appeal to everyone, but there is no denying that the woman oozes sexuality. Plus, she is incredibly talented. Love her or hate her, I really feel like she transforms on screen and inhabits a character in a way very few actors can – especially actors who are so infamous for their personal lives. I am sure she’s cold and bitchy – one of those people who only warms up after you get to know her, but she doesn’t profess to be approachable and super cool (unlike her nemesis).

She’s also incredibly generous with her money, her time, and her fame. She draws attention to the issues of poverty, starvation and genocide in the third world – and even picks up a kid or two while she is there.

I am not saying you should join “Team Angelina” but at the very least can we all stop caring that she may or may not be the reason Jennifer Aniston’s marriage to Brad Pitt ended? And it certainly isn’t Angelina’s fault that Jen hasn’t been able to maintain a relationship since.

Seriously, think about it – maybe the problem isn’t and wasn’t Angelina. Maybe the problem has been Jen all along – she’s just more likeable so no one wants to believe it.

Dear Miley Cyrus…

It’s true that in the porn industry, XXX stands for adult. But, in the real world, they are not synonymous.

I really don’t understand all these former Disney princesses who seem to think that the only way they can demonstrate they’ve matured is to whore it up big time. Look at Miley’s predecessors:

Britney Spears – former Mouseketeer, huge recording artist basically before she could drive, and then massive train wreck by the time she could legally drink. She kept giving interviews where she expressed that she wanted people to stop seeing her as a little girl and take her seriously as a mature artist. So what did she do? She dressed more and more provocatively. Her lyrics became even more sexual, and she got married on a bender in Vegas. Next thing you know, she’s shaving her head and having control of her finances taken away.

And then there’s Lindsay Lohan. Remember how cute she was in the Parent Trap? Or how innocent she seemed in Mean Girls? But she wanted to be taken seriously as an actress, so she stopped wearing panties and made that horrible movie where she plays twins separated at birth and one is a stripper or something. Now she’s been to rehab more times than Danny Bonaduce, and has been replaced by Malin Ackerman in that movie about the porn star in the 70s.

If you want to be taken seriously as an adult, make adult choices. Look at Taylor Swift! She’s quietly turned 21, without showing the world her lady parts or having the paparazzi photograph her stumbling out of some night club.

Perhaps the problem is just a lack of talent. I cannot imagine that it is that hard to play Hannah Montana – despite the fact it’s technically two characters. You just need to be able to deliver a pun and a pratfall, right? I would think the hardest part would be interacting with Billy Ray Cyrus as your dad – but wait, Billy Ray is her dad! I guess that’s what you do in Hollywood to make up for a lack of talent – you act scandalously and dress scantily. I mean, it’s working for Megan Fox.

Twelve Tips for D.C. Neophytes

1. Get a Smartrip card. Spare yourself and everyone behind you in line the frustration.
2. Unless the difference in cost is $100 or more, just fly out of DCA.
3. Save yourself the frustration: don't fly to New York. Don't take the bus to Boston. Busjunction.com is your best friend.
4. Hipster or Preppy? Pick a side and party appropriately.
5. If you're from California, your first winter here is always the coldest, no matter what the temperature says.
6. Don't try to wear foundation in the summer. Do moisturize in the winter.
7. You'll need a doctor, gynecologist, dentist and psychiatrist (trust me). Find the doctors closest to your office and then cross reference them with Yelp reviews. Call until you find someone accepting new patients.
8. Learn the bus routes; it will expand your reasonably priced apartment and dive bar options by a power of 10.
9. Ice skating at the National Gallery sculpture garden, screen on the green, E Street Cinema, Shakespeare Theater's young professional tickets and the botanical gardens--the best free to reasonably priced entertainment in the city.
   
10. Don't put off buying wellies. Sure, you can't wear them everyday, or even once a week, but when you need them, they're more frustrating to be without than a great pair of jeans or a little black dress.
    
11. PL Nails in Adams Morgan is the only place to bother getting your nails done. Clean, luxurious and $35 for a mani-pedi.
    
12. Eat at Komi at least once before you leave.

Bonus: Plan to leave. No one stays.

Versace! Cavalli! Vogue! Cover Girl?!

This season of America's Next Top Model takes the ridiculous cake. Now, Elle's and my love-hate relationship with Tyrant Banks is well-documented insofar as we love to hate her and have blogged about it frequently. Season after season we've called her narcissistic, fake, crazy, and clueless. But, she's a pretty savvy businesswoman - she's built an empire for herself. And yet, this season just tells me she is dumb.

As anyone who has watched cycle 15 can attest, they have attempted to elevate the competition. They are looking for a girl who is more high fashion. And they have had some pretty incredible guest judges like DVF, Pat Fields, Zac Posen, Margherita Missoni, and more (definitely no low-rent Kim Kardashians or Lauren Conrads for this bunch). And while some of the photo shoots/challenges have been absurd (H2T Water - is that really a thing?! And if so, does Tyra own it? And what about Tyra's directorial debut. WTF was that?! Like, is a video editorial a real thing - or is this Tyra trying to start another trend like the overuse of "fierce" or "smizing"? Or will this just be another failed attempt at a career change - like her music video. Sorry, I am getting off topic here), this season has definitely felt less commercial - save for one thing: the Cover Girl contract.

If they are truly looking for a high fashion model, then they are not looking for someone who can do Cover Girl. You know who are the biggest CG spokespeople currently? Drew Barrymore and Queen Latifah. Nothing about either of those women screams high fashion to me. CG's whole schtick is about approachable beauty. High fashion is in diametric opposition to approachable. And do not even get me started on the Walmart challenge from early in the season...

Furthermore, they keep harping on personality. I get that models need to book jobs, but high fashion or couture runway girls are glorified hangers. I bet most of the really successful fashion models working today have the personality of a wet rag - you cannot have a personality and be that thin. You're just too hungry and hunger makes people lethargic and/or bitchy. Maybe those aren't the models who we know by name, but none of these girls on ANTM are going to be as successful as Gisele or even Tyra (who, incidentally, are both famous for their commercial work). If we see them after the show, we only know their names because of the show. The goal should be to work - and make money, not to be a top model - and I don't care what the show is called. I don't "idolize" Kelly Clarkson. Richard Hatch is a douchebag and a criminal - not a "survivor." There is nothing remotely real about "The Real World." The only truthful reality show name is "I Love Money." But "America's Next Working Model Who Can Support Herself as a Model" isn't as catchy a title.

I support the search for an actual editorial model. I think it is an interesting twist (certainly more interesting than the midget season), but if you're going to do it, really commit. Ditch the Cover Girl cash cow, don't let the girls within 1000 yards of a Walmart, and stop trying to force girls who lack personality to prove they have one - they don't. And guess what, if the clothes look good, they photos are hot, and they can walk a runway, they will work - and probably be more successful than the winner.