MTV Got Something Right

It's a shocker, I know. But one of the ridiculous reality programs on MTV actually accurately portrays the life of one group: the d-bags of the Jersey Shore.

I had my bachelorette party last weekend, and because Vegas is too expensive and far away, we went to Atlantic City. Wow. Let me just say wow. I have never seen so many tiny but muscle-y, orange men in my entire life. And they are super aggressive.

But, it isn't like they have any game - at least any game that I recognize. Granted, I have been in a relationship for a long time, but I think there are some things that are just universal.

For instance, it is not charming or cute to yell at a girl, "Hey, Bachelorette. It's my bachelor party, and we can have sex until tomorrow." In case you are wondering what I replied, I told him he didn't meet the height requirement.

Other things that are not cute:

1) Grabbing ass on the dance floor when the club turns the lights out (however, that did lead to one of the more quotable nicknames of the party. The "butt bongo pirate" was coined by MR. Well done!)

2) Coming up behind a girl and rubbing your crotch on her while grabbing her stomach. No one touches my stomach.

3) Unbuttoning your shirt down to your belly button.

4) Fist pumping

5) Excessive hair gel

6) Tanning until you turn orange. Seriously, orange.

In spite of - or perhaps because of - the men of the Jersey Shore, I had a wonderful weekend. Thanks to the ladies - including my fellow bitch Elle - for making it a great send off to my single lady status. But, I do still hate you all for the tiara and veil.

Haaaaaa

Obvious statement of the year: Heidi Montag is a waste of oxygen. The fact that she requires more oxygen than the average person by attempting to sing just makes it all that much more infuriating. Particularly when I have more Facebook friends than she has record sales. Us Weekly reports:

"[I]ndustry sources tell UsMagazine.com that the album has sold only 658 downloads to date."

I'll say it again: Haaaaaaaa.

This Bitch is Back - For Now

Hello, anyone who is still actually reading this after Elle and my long hiatus. Let me start by saying that I cannot promise we won't lapse again - we are busy bitches, but we will do our best.

So much has happened in the past two months, it is difficult to know where to start. I think the most logical place to begin is on the Jersey Shore.

Can I just say, wow. And not J-Woww - just wow. I thought the Real World cast was comprised of absurd stereotypes (BTW - RW DC is a HUGE let down), but those guidos and guidettes make any Real Worlder from any season look complex.

The absurd nicknames speak for themselves. It is the tanning addiction that really frightens me. Snooki is essentially an oompa loompa - well, an oompa loompa that decided to start hooking. And those guys - they spend more time in the salon than any woman I've ever met. Oh, and I would NOT want to have to clean out the nasty drains of thick hair and gallons of hair gel. But here's the kicker - THEY ARE COMING BACK FOR ANOTHER SEASON!

So there you have it, America is obsessed with fist-pumping, short, orange people whose vocabulary hasn't surpassed the 8th grade level. You know, with Jon and Kate Plus 8 off the air, this kind of makes sense. Clearly, viewers are craving 8 more tiny people to watch bumble around and speak like children, and America needed a new hair style to make fun of. Oh, and we needed 4 tattooed, douchy, Ed Hardy-wearing idiots to replace Jon.

Why Am I Still Watching The Hills?

Every time I turn it on, my fiance runs out of the room screaming that watching even a second of that crap is causing him to lose brain cells (and whenever I would watch one of the VH1 "of Love" shows, he said I was giving the Tivo herpes), and I agree. It's a vile show about horrible, vapid people. Yet, I cannot stop watching.

A new season started last week, and its star (who incidentally made more than 100K an episode) has decided to live life off camera for a while. Meanwhile, fame whore Kristin Cavallari (who refused to honor contractual obligations to appear on Laguna Beach after graduating) failed at her attempted acting career and has set her sights on the role of Hills villain. It is honestly the only explanation for her behavior. Who starts a fight the second time they meet someone out of the blue?! If there were any doubt (there wasn't) that The Hills is scripted, it's gone now.

And then there is "King" Spencer Pratt. The guy is a douche rocket. And yet, he is sort of an evil genius. He practically has a weekly segment on The Soup, gets magazine covers left and right, and has only recently been eclipsed by Jon Gosselin as Perez Hilton's favorite guy to draw penises on. (Hey, Perez - it's still on, BTW. And if Jon Gosselin is so offensive, STOP GIVING THE GUY FREE PRESS!) He went from being nobody to being as famous as any legitimate celebrity. People who would never watch The Hills know who he is. Anderson Cooper has even talked about him!

I think the reason I cannot stop watching The Hills is that there is some sort of black magic going on. Maybe there are subliminal messages recorded under that lame instrumental music they play for the "previously on The Hills" recap at the beginning of each episode. For such a reviled show, it does well enough to pay its cast obscene salaries for essentially nothing. Adam DiVello seriously has made a deal with the devil, and I hope he rots in hell for cursing the American public with the phenomenon known as "Speidi" and for all the brain cells his program has cost me.

The VMAs: What Can We Really Say?

A lot of people have asked us what we think of the VMAs and if we're going to post on it. I'm not really sure what there is to say that hasn't been said already. Kanye West is a huge tool who does douchey stuff...that's not really news.

It's unfortunate that he humiliated Taylor Swift, who had no control over winning the award and was a really improper target for a point well taken, but they weren't going to give Best Female Video to the winner of Video of the Year. It's like Kanye's never seen an MTV award show before. Oh, but wait, he has, he disrupted one in 2004. And seriously, the VMA's are just not that important as far as awards are concerned.

In fact, they're so unimportant that the ratings had slipped pretty badly in recent years (only 6 million viewers in 2006 where it used to draw 12). It needed some sensationalist press and 2 simulcasts to reach a cumulative audience of about 11 million. I'm not so sure they didn't do it all for the YouTube hits.

Also, Kanye, what the hell is going on with your hair?