2 Bitches, 1 Blog

My Life with Food: A Journey from Fear to Love

2011-07-24T19:13:00.003-04:00

Terribly pretentious title, I know. And in my first (and probably last) post for sometime. I kind of figure that no one's really reading this any more and this is just an exercise in obnoxious public journaling, so really, why not be pretentious as hell? I'm sure it will fit in nicely when I one day find my angsty entries from my misspent youth.

I've recently taken a job in San Francisco. I was given three weeks between accepting the offer and my start date (which I'm sure I could have negotiated, but financially it would have been imprudent), which has left me packing up the apartment I've lived in for three years while serving out my notice. I've been less stressed before. Anyways, to help this little process along, my mother has kindly agreed to drive up to DC, lending her car, aggressive nature and monetary contributions to dinners out to this process. (By the way, if you're in DC and in the market for a couch, a bed, or glassware, do let me know.) Mommy dearest is bringing with her my niece and nephew because slave labor is what summer vacation should be all about, at least from this aunt's perspective.

So, a little bit about my background, which I think that actually very few are privy to: I grew up near Atlanta, Ga. and went from being an only child to the youngest of 8 step brothers and sisters when both of my parents remarried before I was six years-old. I started going to Christian school in the third grade because that's what you do in Georgia, where the public schools are failing, but no one much cares because only racial minorities and poor whites attend them. By the time I was in middle school, I'd come to realize that I was an atheist and a liberal, neither popular positions either at home or with my classmates, so I graduated as a junior and hightailed it as far away as I could get both ideologically and physically to university at Berkeley. When I reveal that I'm from Georgia, my accent long gone, most people find it shocking.

Not so with my siblings. Despite a couple's brief stints in such exotic locations as Manhattan and glamorous Columbus, OH, all of my brothers and sisters have wound up in the south. Most are still in Georgia, the oldest sisters live in North and South Carolina. No wonder my mother forcefully packed and sold the contents of my Berkeley apartment and practically forced me cross country to DC when I began to look for jobs--I was (and still am) the only one whose doorstep one can't show up on in an emergency. (To her credit, she's being very sweet about my moving back to SF.) My niece and nephew live in South Carolina with their parents.

Growing up in Georgia, well, not to traffic in stereotype, but your food options are pretty much fried and sides. When I got to Berkeley, a roommate was once ordering Chinese delivery for the dorm suite and asked me what I wanted. My reply of "chicken teriyaki" was met with peels of laughter. Georgia doesn't so much differentiate between Chinese and Japanese, and Thai, Indian, Vietnamese, Korean--these cuisines are almost unheard of. Point being, diversity: lacking.

To make matters of taste even worse, I have had, for most of my life, a fear of food. Not of becoming fat, not a body issue, a legitimate, visceral fear of foods that look or smell a certain way or appear to have a certain texture. This will surprise anyone who is aware of my longstanding love affair with restaurants, but it is absolutely true. When I was four, just as my parents were getting divorced, I went through a phase that many children experience--I refused to eat pretty much anything. Shrimp, pasta, cheese, peanut butter and bacon. That was all I wanted. Not together, of course. It's a wonder that I'm not 400 pounds. Few vegetables, a violent rejection of most meats, by all reasonable measures a prohibitively limited diet.

The pediatrician told my parents to let me be--that all kids go through this phase and that I would resume eating more food naturally. My mother took this advice to heart. My father had grown up in a "you'll eat whatever I put in front of you" household and would have none of it. Threats, spankings and lies were all tactics that he employed to get me to eat what he wanted me to, the last being the most damaging. After Scott's refusal to differentiate between meat sauce and marinara, I gave up tomato sauce all together. In fact, I became more and more suspicious to the point that, if I couldn't immediately identify what was in it, I wouldn't eat it. This precluded many of the best things in life--rich sauces and curries, anything baked inside a pastry shell...

Only through friends, loved ones and one particularly sympathetic sister's incredible ability to describe food and relate it to experiences that I could understand have I come, in the last 10 years, to be an adventurous eater (though to this day I have trouble with most meats and won't eat red meat or anything ground or sliced). Indian and Thai curries, sushi, all kinds of fish, asparagus, recently brussel sprouts, even pizza (which I had eschewed because of it's tomato sauce) are now all parts of my school girl crush (nay, obsession) with food. Where I once dreaded going to a friend's for dinner, I now choose restaurants for business lunches with gusto. Some friends have called me their own personal Yelp.

So when my niece and nephew arrive, aside from needing them to paint my bright blue apartment walls back to the institutional off-white that the building management prefers, I also have a desperate need to expose them to a world where "a nice dinner" doesn't mean Olive Garden. But in my desire to do so, I'm also tormented by my memories of "no thank you bites" and admonitions against leaving the table before my plate is clean. Clearly I can't throw them into the deep end right away. Sadly on this trip, there will be no Lebanese Taverna, no Indian food and probably no Vietnamese.

I'm starting small. The first night I'm showing them what pizza should be--not Domino's, 2 Amy's. The second night I'll play by ear. After all, I'm taking them to trapeze, they don't need to be scared of their food, too. But the third night I'm taking them to Dino. Dino is my favorite neighborhood gem--almost too reasonably priced, local, sustainable, fresh real food. Nothing processed, nothing fake. Accessible for them with pastas and simple fish, chicken and meat dishes, but everything a step above and beyond (complimented by my dear friends on the staff, one of which has consented to pollute his carefully selected craft beer menu with a Coors Light for my dear mother). And when the prosciutto wrapped asparagus arrives at the table, there will be no "no thank you" bites if my niece and nephew are reluctant to try it--that just means more for me.

Overall, food is one of the most purely enjoyable parts of life. It can be decadent, refreshing, emotional, soothing and life changing. We're lucky to live in a place where eating is an experience, not just an often unmet necessity. And our body knows what good food is. When you spend enough time away from fried, processed crap, you lose a taste for it, and your body doesn't want it any more. I'm glad to have come to a point where I eat what's good for me without effort, based almost entirely on craving, and my emotional response to the prospect of eating is delight, not terror. I hope that I can give some of that to my niece and nephew...ya know, before I run away across the country again.

My Inner Teen Is Disgusted with Me

2011-06-27T20:33:00.001-04:00

About a month ago, I did something that shocked my friends and family: I attended the NKOTBSB concert at the Verizon Center. My inner teenager has locked herself in her room and is refusing to come out lest she dies from embarrassment.

I sent an email to my wonderful friend AL (initials for anonymity – her name isn’t “Al”), because we hadn’t hung out in a while. She replied with an offer too good to resist: a totally free ticket to see NKOTBSB with her. It was an invitation to spend a Friday evening with one of my best friends people watching at a concert combining the goofiest boy band of the 80s with the goofiest boy band of the 90s.

How could I refuse?

I don’t exaggerate when I tell you it was one of the best experiences of my life. First of all, the Verizon Center clearly knew its audience that evening. It converted several men’s rooms into ladies’ rooms – with urinals.

After arriving (and lots of pre-gaming beers), I decided I needed a tee shirt with all the faces of the Backstreet Boys and the New Kids on it. I thought it would be hilarious. Well, $40 later, I think the joke was on me…

The show started the second we walked into the Verizon Center (and I am not talking about the concert). There were so many middle-aged women with homemade tee shirts professing love for one or another band member. Seriously, there was enough puffy paint to cover the floor of the Verizon Center!

I was really hoping to see a 40 year old with a bad perm cry as NKOTB or BSB sang some sappy song that repeated the word “girl” or “babe” so many times it lost all meaning. Much to my dismay, while there was a lot of screaming (especially during “Please Don’t Go, Girl”), there were no tears.

We finally left when NKOTB stopped singing to repeatedly reference how “hot” DC is. Of course the crowd ate it up… But before I end my post, a few observations from the concert.

1) Donnie Wahlberg looks like Mark Wahlberg plus 10 years of really, really hard living.

2) If one band member removes his jacket to give the ladies in the audience a (very) cheap thrill (Aaron Carter – and it was the jacket from a white suit), then the other band needs someone to remove his wife beater (Donnie Wahlberg – see previous observation for my opinion on that matter). Otherwise, all sense of order is lost in Boy Bandlandia.

3) The decade(ish) that separates the ages of the NKOTB and BSB really showed when it was time for a dance number (but NKOTB did do that pendulum leg thing during “The Right Stuff”).

4) At our core, us women are forever those teenage girls we used to be. Whether that means we are horribly insecure or that we have an incurable crush on some cute celebrity at 13, not much changes - even after 30. And that’s why my alternative-loving, moody teen self is still pouting and rolling her eyes over my decision to spend a Friday evening worshipping at the boy band alter.

The Search for Kimmy (Update)

2011-06-24T14:52:00.003-04:00

I found her! I had the correct number for her mom, and it took a while to hear back, because she is spending the year in Japan. We've managed to reconnect, and it's pretty awesome. I hope when she gets back to the country that we will be able to see one another (for the first time in more than 15 years).

Thanks to all for the suggestions about how to find her!

The Search for Kimmy (a rare, non-bitchy post)

2011-06-15T22:41:00.003-04:00

When I was in preschool, I made a little friend named Kimmy. She was my best friend in preschool, kindergarten and most of elementary school. But, as I got a little older (and when we stopped going to the same Jewish day camp), Kimmy and I grew apart.

We talked a few times in high school, but it became increasingly hard for us to relate to one another. Eventually, the friendship just died out completely.

I have thought about her a lot over the years. I have wondered what became of her. I have tried to find her on Facebook numerous times, but never to any avail. I was home recently - well, visiting my parents in the home I grew up in - and as I was cleaning out my childhood room, I ran across old cards, photos and other mementos of my friendship with Kimmy. And, trying to find her has been on my mind ever since.

I have tried Google, Spokeo, White Pages and any other free tool on the internet I can think of. I managed to find a listing for her parents with a number I remember dialing hundreds of times as a kid (back in the day where you dialed a number from a key pad on a phone that had a cord in it - now I can barely remember my own phone number). After two weeks, I got up the courage to dial it. Unfortunately, all I got was a generic recorded message saying "Sorry. We are not in right now. Please leave a message after the beep." So, I took a shot. I left a message. And now I wait.

If anyone has any other ideas about how to locate long lost childhood friends, I would really appreciate the help. If not, at least hope I had the right number and someone calls me back.

Sorry for the sentimental, schlocky post. I am feeling intensely nostalgic and pensive lately. What good is it to have a blog if you can't write about what's on your mind? That being said, I promise to bring the bitchy back with a frivolous, snarky post very soon!

I Used to Like People

2011-04-29T13:40:00.002-04:00

I used to be so gregarious, so social, so interested in other people - so much like my mother. But, as I get older, I now find my self turning into a serious misanthrope - much more like my dad. Lately, I have started to really listen to myself as I go on and on about the stupidity of this person or the irritating qualities of that person and I wonder, "what the fuck is happening to me?!"

I mean, I have friends and a relatively active social life. But, I find that increasingly I just don't like people anymore. The more I think about the problem, the more I realize that it all started when I began taking mass transit/commuting to work.

When I was growing up in Phoenix (a city but not a real city), I didn't mind crowds. I loved chatting up strangers and being places where I could meet new, interesting people. Then, after college when I began working in San Francisco, my interest in these things waned. And then I moved to DC.

DC is a really cool city. It's very young - very alive. But, it's also very full of self-important, self-aggrandizing tools. You hear it all the time on the Metro. People (especially those just out of college and working on the Hill) love to name drop. They tend to think they are literally the most important, most irreplaceable person on the face of the planet. Dare I say, many of them feel they are as (if not more) important than the politician they work for.

And because DC is such a cool city, we are infested with tourists for 9 months of the year. When Winter ends, two plagues descend on the city: the bugs the size of small vermin and tourists who have never seen the following:

Escalators
Light rail or subway systems
Malls with more than four stores
Homeless people

How do I know they have never seen these things? Simple - they take photos of them. And they always seem to manage to be in the way while doing so.

So what's a girl to do? I can't move, and even if I did, I can't go back to suburban city living. I could drive to work (thus avoiding the throngs of humanity I must interact with on mass transit), but the car takes premium and gas is more than $4.00/gallon. I guess I have no choice. I just need to resign myself to the fact that I am turning into my father (but hopefully without the mustache).

9021-NO

2011-04-27T22:15:00.003-04:00

As is well-documented, Elle and I love the CW schlock – especially the 9-0 reboot and the prematurely canceled Melrose revisited. But, perhaps sadly, it runs deeper for me. I almost have a maternal attachment to the show. I feel invested.

Let me explain. I had such high hopes before the show premiered. I was like a proud new mama that thought her baby could do anything! Be anyone! Go anywhere! And then the terrible twos set in. The show was horrid. Anna Lynn McCord was wooden, Shenae Grimes confused emoting with the look one gets on their face when constipated, and they revealed how poorly the beloved Brenda Walsh had aged. But then there was hope. The show grew into a precocious child, renewing the sense of promise it once had. The story lines were interesting. The acting was better. Sure, it was still a sudsy ridiculous soap, but it was fun!

And now, we appear to have hit the teen years. Those dreaded teen years. The once fanciful implausible plots have become dark, moody, and just plain stupid. For example, on a recent Spring Break trip to Mexico (on a private jet?!), Annie got bit by a monkey, Ivy realized she didn’t need pot to surf (seriously, WTF), and Adriana replaced Silver’s medicine for her bi-polar disorder with Tylenol.

I have watched a lot of soap opera villains do a lot of crazy shit, but I don’t even get to what end one would replace someone’s medication for being manic-depressive. Does she want her to commit suicide? No, that’s too dark. Does she want her to go manic so her boyfriend breaks up with her? Probably, but in what real world situation would someone break up with their bipolar girlfriend (when he knows she is bipolar) for having a manic or depressive episode? I mean, wouldn’t one of her dozens of friends and loved ones who all know about her condition just intervene and suggest she see her doctor to readjust her meds?

There is always hope that the post-teenage years will straighten out this wayward TV show. But, what I guess makes me the most nervous is that perhaps it isn’t the show. Perhaps it’s me. Maybe it is finally time to stop watching shows whose target audiences get the appeal of Justin Bieber. Could it be that it isn't the shows growing pains but my own that I am reacting to?

Nah. It's the show.

Adventures in NOLA

2011-04-24T22:33:00.001-04:00

This bitch recently spent a glorious long weekend in NOLA. I got some sun, gained what feels like 5 pounds, and experienced a few things worth blogging about!

Things I learned in New Orleans:

1) The Ritz Carlton Hotel has the song “Puttin’ on the Ritz” on a seemingly endless loop

2) Bourbon street smells exactly how you think it would – a combination of spilled drinks, urine, vomit and hot dog cart (and vomit that has an air of eau de hot dog cart and hurricane)

3) You do not want to work at Café Du Monde

4) Nicholas Cage doesn’t know his own address but apparently knows Dog the Bounty Hunter

5) Delta has the world’s rudest flight attendant in its employ. Her name is Ashleigh, and she literally berated my husband for requesting another soda (politely mind you). The exchange was as follows:

Mr. Bitch: Excuse me. May I have another Coke when you have a minute? (No, I am rewriting history to make him more polite).

Ashleigh (an actual bitch): I can’t just give everyone another soda. I already gave you the full can, which I am not supposed to do. We can’t just give everyone multiple cans of soda.

Mr. Bitch: Okay…

Ashleigh: Walks off to the back of the plane in a huff

As soon as we landed, I promptly tweeted about the incident: @Delta rudest flight attendant on #3410 MSY->DCA. "Ashleigh" berated my husband 4 requesting another coke. U condone rudeness 2 save soda?

To Delta’s credit, I did receive a prompt reply from @DeltaAssist. But, I am uncertain anything came of it. And, it isn’t enough.

First and foremost, when did it become obnoxious to ask for another soda (literally the only free thing on a flight anymore)? If it is a supply issue (which, this was a commuter flight so it might have been), then just say that. Don’t berate a paying customer for a simple request – one, I might mention, that is complied with on ANY OTHER major or budget carrier than flies the friendly skies.

Beyond that, when did it become acceptable for flight attendants – the customer service representative on the flight – to hate their customers so much? No, we weren’t in first class, but if you hate serving people, FIND ANOTHER LINE OF WORK.

And finally, why do we as paying consumers stand for asinine policies and rudeness? The airport is enough of a horror show without being treated like scum once on the plane.

So, readers, if there are any of you left due to the infrequency of recent posts, help me. I need to craft a complaint letter to Delta, and I am open to suggestions! Please submit your comments and help me take a stand for every mistreated coach passenger on any flight!

Overheard on Metro

2011-03-17T18:12:00.002-04:00

I think it's time for a new segment on 2B1B: Overheard on Metro (or heretofore to be called OOM). This week I feel as though I heard an inordinate amount of inane chatter.

So, for as long as this amuses me, a new feature: OOM

In response to a story about a home burglary: "I leave my door unlocked at night just hoping someone will try to mess with me. It's like that time the guy with the gun tried to rob me, and I dared him to shoot me. I said, if you're gonna do it, do it!"

Please comment and share your overheard on metro moments!

Another Brilliant Tumblr

2011-01-06T08:52:00.002-05:00

I was once a cat owner. I lost her in my "divorce." (And I gave her my super rad cat name that I'd been saving until I was an adult and had a pet and my mother couldn't be like "that's so mean, why don't you name her after a season or something." Actually, my mother did say that, but I named the cat Trouble anyway, because they're mischievous and there's nothing you can do about it. And now my ex-wife has my awesome pet name for all eternity and I write little plays in my diary about a weird cat custody scenario where I'm the total dad in the situation and I'm like "Look, it's not that I don't love you, it's that your mother's an unhinged bitch, and noooow she's asking me to pay child support, can you believe that? Oh, sport, you know I'd love to have you come stay with me, but I'm in the one bedroom now, ya know, and work's keeping me really late. As soon as I get a bigger place and another promotion, I promise." Ok, I don't have a diary, but I just made that up for you all right here and now.)

Tami continues to be a cat owner because her marriage is more stable than mine was (because no one in the scenario is batshit insane), so I am now a cat aunt. Anyways, anyone who has ever had a cat and a sexual relationship at the same time knows to shut the door or suffer the fate documented on Cats Watching You Have Sex, which I am honoring as the 2B1B Tumblr blog of the week (a semi-recurring award).

If You Aren't Watching Pretty Little Liars, It Is Time to Start

2011-01-05T20:45:00.002-05:00

It’s no secret that I love me some stupid TV. I like to think of it as brain candy or the antidote to a stressful day. Thankfully, one of my (and Elle’s) favorite guilty pleasures is back: Pretty Little Liars.

For the uninitiated, PLL is the story of five best friends, one of whom disappears and is found dead a year later. The actors playing the title little liars are largely nobodies (with the sort of exception of Lucy Kate Hale, who has had a failed show every televisions season up until now. I was starting to think she was cursed considering both Privileged and the Bionic Woman reboot failed with her in a starring role), but two of the moms are played by Laura “Sydney Andrews Mancini” Leighton and Holly Marie Combs of Charmed fame. Anyway, the liars are tormented by a mysterious person named “A” who knows all their secrets – and tells them. “A” also seems to know who killed the 5^th friend, and the other four can’t resist trying to find out who both “A” and the killer are. But doing so puts them in a compromising situation – especially considering they all seem to make pretty horrific personal choices.

Now that you have a brief background, allow me to give you a list of reasons to watch:

The title doesn’t lie – the show is full of pretty people
If you miss Melrose as much as Elle and I do, this is your replacement for campy, totally off-the-wall story lines (e.g. Laura Leighton’s character actually sleeps with a police officer to keep her daughter out of trouble and steals from the bank where she works to keep her and her daughter in designer goods)
It’s on ABC Family, so it repeats like 1000 times per week, making it easy to stay up-to-date without DVR conflicts
It’s way less infuriating than Gossip Girl
Because Elle and I say so!

In Defense of Angelina

2011-01-04T19:18:00.001-05:00

So how many years (and how many children) later are we still hearing about Jennifer Aniston vs. Angelina Jolie?! Enough already!

I am going to say that I think Brad Pitt is a better fit with Angelina Jolie – and I am also going to assert that I don’t think Jennifer Aniston is the super cool, amazingly chill chick everyone makes her out to be. I bet (and have heard) that she is a HUGE bitch.

Quite honestly, I don’t get what the whole love affair with Jen is about. She always plays that same girl next door with an edge (and yes, I saw the Good Girl and Friends with Money – I wasn’t impressed). I think women like her because her beauty is more or less average – and very approachable. I am not saying she is ugly, but I mean, think about it. If you are Courtney Cox, how hot do you feel next to Jennifer Aniston?

I sort of think it’s easy to hop on the “let’s hate Angelina” bandwagon. The woman is beautiful – very striking – and her figure is (well, was – now she is a bit too thin) out of control amazing. I know she doesn’t appeal to everyone, but there is no denying that the woman oozes sexuality. Plus, she is incredibly talented. Love her or hate her, I really feel like she transforms on screen and inhabits a character in a way very few actors can – especially actors who are so infamous for their personal lives. I am sure she’s cold and bitchy – one of those people who only warms up after you get to know her, but she doesn’t profess to be approachable and super cool (unlike her nemesis).

She’s also incredibly generous with her money, her time, and her fame. She draws attention to the issues of poverty, starvation and genocide in the third world – and even picks up a kid or two while she is there.

I am not saying you should join “Team Angelina” but at the very least can we all stop caring that she may or may not be the reason Jennifer Aniston’s marriage to Brad Pitt ended? And it certainly isn’t Angelina’s fault that Jen hasn’t been able to maintain a relationship since.

Seriously, think about it – maybe the problem isn’t and wasn’t Angelina. Maybe the problem has been Jen all along – she’s just more likeable so no one wants to believe it.

Dear Miley Cyrus…

2011-01-02T21:54:00.003-05:00

It’s true that in the porn industry, XXX stands for adult. But, in the real world, they are not synonymous.

I really don’t understand all these former Disney princesses who seem to think that the only way they can demonstrate they’ve matured is to whore it up big time. Look at Miley’s predecessors:

Britney Spears – former Mouseketeer, huge recording artist basically before she could drive, and then massive train wreck by the time she could legally drink. She kept giving interviews where she expressed that she wanted people to stop seeing her as a little girl and take her seriously as a mature artist. So what did she do? She dressed more and more provocatively. Her lyrics became even more sexual, and she got married on a bender in Vegas. Next thing you know, she’s shaving her head and having control of her finances taken away.

And then there’s Lindsay Lohan. Remember how cute she was in the Parent Trap? Or how innocent she seemed in Mean Girls? But she wanted to be taken seriously as an actress, so she stopped wearing panties and made that horrible movie where she plays twins separated at birth and one is a stripper or something. Now she’s been to rehab more times than Danny Bonaduce, and has been replaced by Malin Ackerman in that movie about the porn star in the 70s.

If you want to be taken seriously as an adult, make adult choices. Look at Taylor Swift! She’s quietly turned 21, without showing the world her lady parts or having the paparazzi photograph her stumbling out of some night club.

Perhaps the problem is just a lack of talent. I cannot imagine that it is that hard to play Hannah Montana – despite the fact it’s technically two characters. You just need to be able to deliver a pun and a pratfall, right? I would think the hardest part would be interacting with Billy Ray Cyrus as your dad – but wait, Billy Ray is her dad! I guess that’s what you do in Hollywood to make up for a lack of talent – you act scandalously and dress scantily. I mean, it’s working for Megan Fox.

Twelve Tips for D.C. Neophytes

2010-12-18T17:26:00.005-05:00

Get a Smartrip card. Spare yourself and everyone behind you in line the frustration.
Unless the difference in cost is $100 or more, just fly out of DCA.
Save yourself the frustration: don't fly to New York. Don't take the bus to Boston. Busjunction.com is your best friend.
Hipster or Preppy? Pick a side and party appropriately.
If you're from California, your first winter here is always the coldest, no matter what the temperature says.
Don't try to wear foundation in the summer. Do moisturize in the winter.
You'll need a doctor, gynecologist, dentist and psychiatrist (trust me). Find the doctors closest to your office and then cross reference them with Yelp reviews. Call until you find someone accepting new patients.
Learn the bus routes; it will expand your reasonably priced apartment and dive bar options by a power of 10.
Ice skating at the National Gallery sculpture garden, screen on the green, E Street Cinema, Shakespeare Theater's young professional tickets and the botanical gardens--the best free to reasonably priced entertainment in the city.
Don't put off buying wellies. Sure, you can't wear them everyday, or even once a week, but when you need them, they're more frustrating to be without than a great pair of jeans or a little black dress.
PL Nails in Adams Morgan is the only place to bother getting your nails done. Clean, luxurious and $35 for a mani-pedi.
Eat at Komi at least once before you leave.

Bonus: Plan to leave. No one stays.

Versace! Cavalli! Vogue! Cover Girl?!

2010-12-01T21:24:00.005-05:00

This season of America's Next Top Model takes the ridiculous cake. Now, Elle's and my love-hate relationship with Tyrant Banks is well-documented insofar as we love to hate her and have blogged about it frequently. Season after season we've called her narcissistic, fake, crazy, and clueless. But, she's a pretty savvy businesswoman - she's built an empire for herself. And yet, this season just tells me she is dumb.

As anyone who has watched cycle 15 can attest, they have attempted to elevate the competition. They are looking for a girl who is more high fashion. And they have had some pretty incredible guest judges like DVF, Pat Fields, Zac Posen, Margherita Missoni, and more (definitely no low-rent Kim Kardashians or Lauren Conrads for this bunch). And while some of the photo shoots/challenges have been absurd (H2T Water - is that really a thing?! And if so, does Tyra own it? And what about Tyra's directorial debut. WTF was that?! Like, is a video editorial a real thing - or is this Tyra trying to start another trend like the overuse of "fierce" or "smizing"? Or will this just be another failed attempt at a career change - like her music video. Sorry, I am getting off topic here), this season has definitely felt less commercial - save for one thing: the Cover Girl contract.

If they are truly looking for a high fashion model, then they are not looking for someone who can do Cover Girl. You know who are the biggest CG spokespeople currently? Drew Barrymore and Queen Latifah. Nothing about either of those women screams high fashion to me. CG's whole schtick is about approachable beauty. High fashion is in diametric opposition to approachable. And do not even get me started on the Walmart challenge from early in the season...

Furthermore, they keep harping on personality. I get that models need to book jobs, but high fashion or couture runway girls are glorified hangers. I bet most of the really successful fashion models working today have the personality of a wet rag - you cannot have a personality and be that thin. You're just too hungry and hunger makes people lethargic and/or bitchy. Maybe those aren't the models who we know by name, but none of these girls on ANTM are going to be as successful as Gisele or even Tyra (who, incidentally, are both famous for their commercial work). If we see them after the show, we only know their names because of the show. The goal should be to work - and make money, not to be a top model - and I don't care what the show is called. I don't "idolize" Kelly Clarkson. Richard Hatch is a douchebag and a criminal - not a "survivor." There is nothing remotely real about "The Real World." The only truthful reality show name is "I Love Money." But "America's Next Working Model Who Can Support Herself as a Model" isn't as catchy a title.

I support the search for an actual editorial model. I think it is an interesting twist (certainly more interesting than the midget season), but if you're going to do it, really commit. Ditch the Cover Girl cash cow, don't let the girls within 1000 yards of a Walmart, and stop trying to force girls who lack personality to prove they have one - they don't. And guess what, if the clothes look good, they photos are hot, and they can walk a runway, they will work - and probably be more successful than the winner.

The more things change...

2010-11-30T18:47:00.003-05:00

I recently went to my 10-year high school reunion. And I was nervous about it - really nervous. I wasn't sure how I would feel or how I would be perceived by others. Would they think I was aging badly? Would they be impressed by my life? Would they think I was one of the ones who "got fat" (oh, I didn't - but I definitely was worried)? When I got there though, I realized that all my nerves were for nothing.

I was struck by the fact that everyone seemed more or less exactly the same. What had changed (other than a few waistline measurements) was how everyone reacted to one another. There wasn't really any hierarchy anymore. The mean girls weren't mean. The dorky guys weren't (as) dorky. And the hot guys definitely weren't hot. But everyone got along and genuinely enjoyed catching up, regardless of where we each fell in terms of the pecking order 10 years ago. I had a really good time, and I felt as though I exercised the last few of those adolescent demons.

Well, today a girl I have known basically since birth posted a photograph of our preschool class on Facebook. I was somewhere between 2 or 3 years old at the time. It's admittedly not my most adorable moment, but it's still cute. Several people have commented, and since I am tagged, I get an email every time someone does. Well, one of the comments was from a guy I went to high school with. He wasn't at the reunion, because he was in the graduating class ahead of mine.

He wrote: "Wow. Check out that noggin on Tami."

This shouldn't bother me - but I know he intended this post to get under my skin. And frankly, he succeeded. It just seems so unnecessary. I don't want to respond on the thread, because he'll accuse me of being too sensitive or not having a sense of humor. But the fact of the matter is that he set out to be derisive. He wasn't trying to connect - I haven't seen him since my senior year of high school when he came to judge a speech and debate tournament for our team (a tournament he was asked to leave, because he had been drinking so much the night before that he still reeked of booze that day). We are Facebook friends - if he wanted to connect, it would have been easy enough to do over the years. And we aren't friends - so he wasn't teasing in a friendly way. No, he wanted to belittle me, much like he enjoyed doing in high school.

I know I have no reason to care. I have a good life. I have an interesting job I enjoy, a wonderful husband, amazing friends and an awesome shoe collection. I've gained some amazing life experiences, while he has gained weight - seriously, he has basically doubled in size since high school. He doesn't really appear to have done much with his life. And based on the reports I got at my reunion, he is a bit of a sad sack. He is stuck in his adolescence (a time where he was king - and relatively fit), which is totally obvious from his stupid little comment. And yet, I am bothered.

It's simple really - people don't change. And sometimes, neither do your reactions to them. At least being an adult shows me that while he still may be good at making me feel insecure, he's bad at life. So basically, I win. No, that is not the mature, adult response. It is the petty teenage one. But, unlike teenage me, adult me can celebrate this petty victory with a cocktail.

MTV Got Something Right

2010-04-05T20:45:00.002-04:00

It's a shocker, I know. But one of the ridiculous reality programs on MTV actually accurately portrays the life of one group: the d-bags of the Jersey Shore.

I had my bachelorette party last weekend, and because Vegas is too expensive and far away, we went to Atlantic City. Wow. Let me just say wow. I have never seen so many tiny but muscle-y, orange men in my entire life. And they are super aggressive.

But, it isn't like they have any game - at least any game that I recognize. Granted, I have been in a relationship for a long time, but I think there are some things that are just universal.

For instance, it is not charming or cute to yell at a girl, "Hey, Bachelorette. It's my bachelor party, and we can have sex until tomorrow." In case you are wondering what I replied, I told him he didn't meet the height requirement.

Other things that are not cute:

1) Grabbing ass on the dance floor when the club turns the lights out (however, that did lead to one of the more quotable nicknames of the party. The "butt bongo pirate" was coined by MR. Well done!)

2) Coming up behind a girl and rubbing your crotch on her while grabbing her stomach. No one touches my stomach.

3) Unbuttoning your shirt down to your belly button.

4) Fist pumping

5) Excessive hair gel

6) Tanning until you turn orange. Seriously, orange.

In spite of - or perhaps because of - the men of the Jersey Shore, I had a wonderful weekend. Thanks to the ladies - including my fellow bitch Elle - for making it a great send off to my single lady status. But, I do still hate you all for the tiara and veil.

Please Do Not Disturb the Urbanite in Her Natural Environment

2010-04-01T14:09:00.011-04:00

April is upon us, and for those of us in D.C., that means cherry blossoms, allergies and the official start of tourist season. I'm as happy for the warm weather sans impending humidity as the next gal, but I hate this time of year.

At some point when you were a youngster--for me it was like 7th grade--your school thought it was a good idea to take you to our nation's capital and brainwash you with a fine bouquet of patriotism with the faintest hint of xenophobia. You looked at monuments, visited museums, and more than anything enjoyed being away from your parents and sleeping in the same hotel where your crush was, even if there were like 30 chaperones between you and him, ready to pounce at the faintest scent of hormones.

Never did you consider the fact that that bicameral legislature that you're admiring has a whole staff of people who live and work in D.C. and keep that thing running. And that that legislature has a whole lot of corporate interests that wish to influence it and employ an army of people to do so. And that news organizations cover the relationship between the two, which they do by being chock full of staff. And that all of those staffers need to eat and shop and see movies somewhere and that there are a whole host of people who FRIGGIN' LIVE HERE AND THE CITY IS NOT A PLAYGROUND OF STATUES BUILT FOR YOUR TOURISTY AMUSEMENT! YOU DIDN'T CONSIDER IT, DID YOU!??!

Sorry, I get a little worked up. And I'm still pissed that Granny O'Grimm didn't win the Oscar for Best Animated Short. Anyways, my point is, as a tourist and visitor to this place, you should respect the local customs and try not to annoy the city's natural population--the urbanite.

Those things aren't modern day black magic, they're called escalators. And while they are, in fact, very long, they are not a photo opportunity. Kindly stand on the right and walk on the left or suffer my wrath. Oh, oh, you think I won't curse at your five year old who is "adorably" trying to run up the down escalator during morning rush hour traffic when I am running 15 minutes late to work? You are so fucking wrong.

As with most wild animals, the best way to avoid a mauling, is to keep a respectful distance from the beast, and the best way to do that, is to recognize it. So, with the help of 2B1B's graphic designer in residence AO, I give you....

The urbanite may have any or all of the evolutionary advantages listed above. And in addition to the flip flops, she may also be carting high heels in a reusable grocery bag because the guy at CVS isn't asking you if you'd like paper or plastic, he's asking you if you'd like to pay $0.05 or just manage to carry your purchases on your own without murdering the planet.

The urbanite is well adapted to her environment. Sorry tourist, I'm not even looking at you. I can't tell that you're lost and need directions. I'm staring at something else disdainfully behind these sunglasses. Oh, that homeless dude was asking me for money? I thought he was waving and helpfully providing a back beat to my ipod with his coffee cup full of change. PETA chick, I would take your stupid little flyer filled with oddly racist arguments about why animal cruelty is bad if my hands weren't so damn full with this coffee and this Blackberry.

It's best to allow a perimeter around the urbanite and to stay out of her direct path--the urbanite doesn't waver and stupid little high school girls in their school shirt who failed to get out of my way while I was walking to work this morning may have gotten knocked on her ass in a crosswalk only to have her teacher cursed at about the proper time and place for tourists when she tried to scold me. Spill my coffee on me and pay the price--I have theater tickets for tonight. You're just going to the fucking Spy Museum.

Things I Do Not Understand

2010-03-25T21:58:00.003-04:00

I consider myself a keen observer of the human condition. I think I read people well, and I love to play armchair psychiatrist. However, there are certain behaviors that mystify me. These are just a few of them.

1) People who invite all of their Facebook to events - even their friends who live nowhere in the area.

2) People who reply to all on office-wide emails to say something personal to the sender.

3) People who ask you where you are registered for your wedding, only to buy you random crap that you can't return because it comes from some artisan store in a city where you don't live.

4) People who friend people they've never met on Facebook (FB might be a bit of a recurring theme). Is Facebook looking to make the word "friend" lose all meaning - assuming it hasn't already?

5) Anything anyone does on Metro. Seriously, that could be its own post. But, just a couple:
A) People who sit in the outside seat at rush hour on a crowded train, leaving the seat next to them empty, and then shoot you a death stare when you ask to sit down in the last available seat.
B) People who will stand in the doorway of an EMPTY train! There are empty seats, lots of standing room and they stand right in the way of people trying to enter or exit the train.
C) Tourists who ride during commute hours.

It's as though some people lie awake at night trying to figure out how to annoy other people. If they were looking to annoy me, they succeeded.

X.O.X.Oh, I so don't care anymore.

2010-03-19T21:30:00.003-04:00

This season on Gossip Girl, I was bored. It's a classic teen drama mistake - they took them out of high school and tried to put them in the adult world. Here's the thing - high school melodrama is more compelling and believable (even when it's totally unbelievable) than when the characters strike out into the real world only to face instant success and bizarre complications.

Case and point: Serena's affair with the newly elected Congressman Tripp VanDerBilt (who, incidentally, looks about 16). She doesn't suspect anything when she gets a job she is totally unqualified for - but I guess they never do in TV Land - and then she thinks she and her boss can remain professional?! Please. Life doesn't work that way, and I don't care how pretty you are.

Don't even get me started on the snooze-worthy relationship between Dan and Vanessa; the utter ridiculousness of a 19 year old running a multi-million/billion dollar company; or Jenny the drug dealer. It's all just lame and boring. CW, it's time to euthanize this drama before it goes the way of the original 9-0: from a youthful, fun romp to an old, incontinent curmudgeon of a program. It's telling you to get off its lawn. Listen!

Spring has Sprung!

2010-03-18T12:23:00.003-04:00

No, I'm not just talking about the drastically improved weather. It's March Madness, which Cal is in for the first time in, like, forever. And yet, that's still not what's really important. What's really important is that Fug Madness is happening over at Go Fug Yourself. Vote early, vote often.

If It's Wrong to Love a Shoe, I Don't Want to be Right

2010-03-14T23:05:00.005-04:00

Edited: Apparently Elle told some of you that I bought hooker shoes. This is not the case.

I love shoes. My closet documents this love affair pretty well. But, until recently, my pain threshold pretty much topped out with Stuart Weitzman or Kate Spade (and almost exclusively when they were on sale). Then my wedding got really close. And suddenly, I needed new shoes for the wedding. And, of course, a purchase for the wedding is so easy to rationalize. It's a special day - I should just go for it, right?

Well, I did. And now, I am the proud owner of a pair of Christian Louboutins. I can't stop looking at the beautiful, blood red sole and thinking about how that they are all mine. Seriously, I want to sleep in them.

It may be shallow to be so excited about this status symbol. But if you think I am shallow, you are probably just jealous :)

I am just worried about when they get lonely, and I have to buy them a sibling pair...

Threat Levels: Defined

2010-03-12T16:48:00.004-05:00

Those readers out there who are privileged enough to also be on my gchat list know that, depending on my level of stress, I often update my status with my "threat level." Much like Department of Homeland Security warnings, my threat levels describe how dangerous I might be at any given moment...as defined by pop culture references, many supplied by my lovely friends when I inevitably pose the question "what's above X?"

So, the official threat levels (this is gonna be a thing, pass it on.)

Taylor Swift - Super nice. I never use this one.
Elle Woods - Just ambitious and lusting after jewelry.
Britney Spears - Just whiny and self-destructive.
Lindsay Lohan - Whiny, self-destructive and litigious.
Real Housewife of Orange County - Bitchy and a little backstabbing.
Amanda Woodward - Bitchy, short-tempered and outright backstabbing. (I love new Melrose.)
Real Housewife of Atlanta - Bitchy, backstabbing and of course, hair pulling.
Shannen Doherty - Will punch you in the face.
Carrie - Will kill an entire gym full of people.
Naomi Campbell - Will kill an entire gym full of people while humiliating them.

I Hate Hipsters

2010-03-11T21:31:00.003-05:00

But I love this

And this

What is Still Wrong with Tyra Banks?

2010-03-11T20:56:00.002-05:00

Cycle 14 of ANTM premiered this week, and it seems like the standard fair. Tyrant still dresses like a mental patient and overuses the term "fierce" to the point that if it ever had a meaning, it would have lost all of it. There are so many teen mothers in this Top Model pool you'd think she was running a halfway house instead of a modeling competition.

There are the clueless hood rats - in fact, one of them actually referred to herself as "classy ghetto." Yeah, because such a thing exists. There are the powder keg girls who explode seemingly for no reason. Okay, those are the same girls are the clueless hood rats. Interestingly though, they are not the teen mothers. In fact, two of the teen moms claim to have gotten knocked up from their first time, and are more bumpkin than hood rat. Seriously, the only things these girls know how to model are the stereotypes they represent.

All in all, the season promises to be kinda boring, but I will make sure to keep watching - just in case something interesting or original actually happens.

I Love to Hate You

2010-03-11T20:54:00.005-05:00

My continuing mantra: I don't blog about work, but suffice to say, it's been crazy busy lately...and also there's been a lot of crazy. To comfort myself, I turn to one of my all-time favorite hobbies: internet stalking people I hate.

What? It relaxes me.

Now, usually Facebook--aka stalker's paradise--is sufficient. I've mentioned, well, many times that I am a huge fan of not being a huge fan of my brother's significantly younger girlfriend. Her recent unprotected (heh) Facebook activity leads me to believe that perhaps she and my brother are not together any more, because she's moved out and neither of those dudes in her profile pic are dearest bro. Fascinating! Because I thought when you managed to survive law enforcement relationship counseling (that's my way of saying the cops were called over a domestic violence dispute while trying to deny my white trash family) you can survive anything. Ahhhh, Facebook. (Try commenting on one of her wall posts or pictures...pretty sure you totally can!)

But what about those nemeses that are actually college educated? Like the one whose Facebook profile you used to happily stalk because you were good enough frenemies to be Facebook friends back when she separated all of her interests with hearts and they included "Ralph Lauren slim fit polos in every color" and "my pink rhinestoned Blackberry." Stupid bitch had to grow up, realize that was unprofessional and get a job AT FACEBOOK where she learned all about privacy settings. So how come I can still see her "Best of Vegas" album?! Bitch, close your mouth...and wipe that shit off your face, no one needs that much makeup...and don't even get me started on the bronzer.

When Facebook fails you, never fear, there's plenty of fun on the internet at large. Who doesn't love a gal whose Twitter name is actually Libby's a Princess, even if her tweets are blocked? But that's not nearly enough. No no, for extra bad days there's the single most vapid thing you've ever read. Personal favorite entry: her Yelp of Southwest Airlines written as if she is Charlotte York. No, not kidding. And when you thought it just couldn't get any better, there's her bio for SF's semi-grown up sorority (so that none of us ever have to really grow up), Spinsters.

Now, one might ask, "what incident precipitated this hatred." Doesn't matter. The hatred doesn't need a reason, it's a reward all it's own. Join me. Internet stalk incredibly hatable people you don't even know. You know you want it. Doooooooo ittttttttttt.

UPDATE: In chatting with Tami this morning, I realized that I left out perhaps the best part of loving to hate dear ole Libby: she was Miss Stanislaus County 2005. No. Joke. Stanislaus: a small but important step above Fresno.

Welcome Back, Pretty People With Severe Emotional Problems

2010-03-10T22:08:00.004-05:00

Spring has sprung! The snow is melting, the temperatures are consistently above freezing, and CW premiers Gossip Girl, Melrose Place, 90210, and ANTM all in one week. I haven't even had the opportunity to watch all the premiers yet. But, I am excited to pour some wine and finish clearing the DVR.

First, Melrose has rid its self of the odious Asslee Simpson. The only reason she worked on the show is:

1) She bared an eerie resemblance to Laura Leighton (who was supposed to be here mom)
2) Her character was bat-shit insane, which makes her poor acting seem almost passable
3) She got all that surgery and made herself reasonable to look at

While the current Amanda Woodward plot seems a little lame (seriously, Sydney had some painting that was worth a lot of money and Amanda's big scheme is to reclaim it from a dead woman?!), more Heather Locklear has saved that show in the past. All in all, I think the season is promising!

As for 90210, it seems to keep improving. It certainly bares no resemblance to any sort of reality, but at least it pokes fun at itself (like when Anna Lynne McCord spends too much time tanning, and they mock her character for it). I cannot get behind the Rumor Willis thing (it's sad really, the girl got all the worst parts of pre-surgery Demi, and it isn't like there is that much good to take from Bruce) - both her character and her casting. I get they want to be all edgy with a lesbian relationship, but it's a little out of left field and if they wanted to make a character gay, Navid or Silver are much more believable than Adriana. And while Shanae Grimes is still unwatchable, at least they are continuing to torture the character.

The new judge on ANTM seems ridic, and we meet Serena's father on GG (and he's a Baldwin - literally, not the way Cher Horowitz meant it in Clueless).

It's going to be a good Spring for my TiVo! What are you most looking forward to?

Trust Me, You're Not Special

2010-03-10T21:43:00.004-05:00

When I got engaged, I was inundated with advice. Common themes included:

It's your day - just remember that
Plan that people will not show up who did RSVP and those who did not RSVP will show up
ELOPE!

Somehow, I thought I was going to be different. I truly believed my wedding was going to be the exception, not the rule. Our RSVPs would come in on time with no surprises. Our families wouldn't create any drama. And, I wouldn't get any random gifts that weren't on the registry. Call it optimism, call is hubris, call it stupidity, but shocker: I WAS WRONG. And, so are you if you think you're special.

Suffice it to say the advice is all true. So, that being said let me offer some to those who plan to get married some day. Much will go wrong. You will be frustrated. You will have a sobbing meltdown. But, if you are marrying someone you really love, it will all be worth it in the end - at least I hope so :)

And, if all else fails, you can always elope!

How Did I Live Without Showtime?

2010-03-09T21:35:00.002-05:00

I grew up without cable, and I blame that for my severe TV addiction. I was so desperate as a child for quality programming that now I feel as though there is an embarrassment of riches and I am a TV hoarder. It's like I survived the TV depression, and now I can't throw anything out!

Recently, we subscribed to Showtime and a whole new world has opened up. While the CW does deliciously soapy crap television, there is nothing as decadent as a Showtime original.

Exhibit A: Secret Diary of a Call Girl

The title is pretty self-explanatory. A prostitute in London (you know, because setting it in London with British accents makes it classier) has a book deal and writes about her exploits while having an affair with her dreamy publisher. And since it is a premium channel, it occasionally verges on soft-core. In short - awesome!

Exhibit B: United States of Tara

Talk about original! Tara is a mother and wife with multiple personalities. Her "alters" are a Susie-Homemaker (a real Bree Van de Kamp-esq character), a 17 year old slut, and a redneck guy named Buck. Her kids are about as well-adjusted as one could hope. Her son is like 14 and struggling with his sexuality while her daughter dates douchebags and has super low self esteem. It's totally twisted and very fun.

Exhibit C: Nurse Jackie

Edie Falco is magic. She plays a deplorable human being who cheats on her husband to get drugs (and her lover is totally in love with her), she pops pills on the job, and she lies about organ donation and loss (she flushed a patient's ear down the toilet). Yet, she is one of the most sympathetic characters on television. It's totally a must-watch (plus, you don't even see a trace of Soprano).

Exhibits D, E, and F:

While I don't watch Weeds, Dexter or Californication (not because I don't want to, I just feel like I am coming in too late and will be totally lost), there are tons of awards among all three shows and the premises are all super original.

If you are living without Showtime, I seriously recommend that you reevaluate your priorities. A subscription will change your life.

THANK YOU, American Apparel!

2010-02-11T22:47:00.002-05:00

It's Snowing, Let's Get Boozey

2010-02-06T16:37:00.003-05:00

I plan ahead--I stocked up on liquor Friday afternoon and hit Whole Foods on wednesday before everyone went snow crazy. In case you didn't--or if you want to engage in the bad behavior that accompanies snow in places that don't usually get it (drunken snowball fight? Yes!)--We Love DC has a list of open bars and restaurants.

As a disclaimer, I'm not sure how many of these are still open. I think this is even worse than folks planned, because Dino emailed this morning that they had to cancel their plans to stay open.

While we're on the subject, Dino, whom I rave about constantly on this blog, they mentioned how difficult this weather has been on their December/January revenue. Dino supports local, they support sustainable, and they're a genuinely family run restaurant with amazing food, a stunning wine collection and really a great value for what they offer. Stop by. They've also got great tables if you're planning a group dinner.

We Clearly Can't Handle Snow

2010-02-03T09:24:00.003-05:00

DC got another 2-4 inches last night, which is just salt in the wound that's still open from the epic pre-Christmas storm. I realize this is nothing to you mid-west and Boston kids, but this just doesn't happen to us, especially with another potentially big snow storm heading our way this weekend.

I get it Obama, you're from Chicago and you're not going to shut down the federal government (which all of the local businesses generally follow) for a couple measly inches (and the one damn thing metro manages to do really well is keep running in the snow, grrrrr), but we occasional snow kids get a little giddy when the white stuff just keeps coming (yes, still discussing precipitation.)

First there was the idiot cop who pulled his gun on the good folks participating in an organized snowball fight here in D.C. Then this morning, I read about the lovely lady up in Pennsylvania who is being charged for throwing a snowball at a city bus driver for not letting her board with an expired bus pass.

City officials and citizens alike, we just can't handle the snow. It makes us crazy. Just let us stay home.

All I Want for Oscars is Good Fashion

2010-02-02T20:39:00.003-05:00

As previously mentioned, I treat award shows as a cross between a sport and a holiday. For Christmas, I want Burberry...and for the red carpet I want pretty much the same thing. I've been so busy bashing this year's movies that I haven't really gotten around to bashing this year's award show fashions.

So, a note to all you Hollywood starlets out there: no more dresses approximating your skin tone. Nothing else with oddly placed ruffles or applique. And just because Julie Andrews makes strange choices and decided to be in The Tooth Fairy for reasons that pass understanding, if your dress makes you look like Tinkerbell, just say no.

The makeup looked good. The hair we'll give a pass on since no one in LA knows how to handle rain, but come Oscars red carpet, we want to see real colors detailing that's interesting, not strange. If everyone could follow January Jones and Marion Cotillard (and my controversial pick, Kate Hudson)'s lead , that would be fantastic. Thanks.

Am I Really Going to Have to See The Blind Side?!

2010-02-02T09:18:00.005-05:00

I've already bitched about the dearth of films this year that deserve any sort of special attention and the fact that the Academy has returned to its 10 flick Best Pic category. Well, my question of what's going to be included has been answered and...well...

Best Picture
Avatar--duh. Admittedly I haven't seen it yet and I guess I'm going to have to (not like you can rent the damn thing, it obviously has to be viewed in a theater in 3D) but the reviews from friends have been mixed...I think breaking down by gender, but further analysis is necessary. What I will say is, I almost threw something at the TV when Cameron won for Titanic and have to reconvince myself that Leonardo Dicaprio is a decent actor every time I go to try and watch a movie of his (and he really is a pretty good actor.) Excitement level: meh.

The Blind Side--really?! Really?! I have to go see this now, don't I? I don't know, maybe Sandy really is extraordinary in this one, but the Erin Brockvich comparisons aren't inspiring me (that really wasn't a good movie, in case people are still confused). Sandra Bullock, even if you win an Oscar, you'll still be the chick clenching from diarrhea to the stellar musical direction of "Taking Care of Business" when you finally release in some poor family's RV a la Two Weeks Notice to me.

District 9, An Education, The Hurt Locker, and A Serious Man--I'm fine with these in concept. I'll be seeing the ones I haven't yet in the coming weeks (a tradition of Tami and I's), but these are the types of films I expect from ole Oscar. I will mention that some of them just got in under the wire. I get that everyone saves the good stuff for right before awards so that people don't forget them, but this year it's been like "oh crap, we didn't put out anything good all year, hurry up and release this thing, who cares if only the foreign press has seen it come awards time."

Inglorious Basterds--I guess I'm fine with this too, but Tarantino's generally more of a cult following thing than an Academy Award thing (with or without Brad Pitt.) Like all Tarantino films, I expect this to be a movie about pretty people looking dirty, people getting killed in a creative way and things blowing up with some cleverly funny lines.

Precious--I want to want to see this film. But I just don't. That's it, that's all I really have to say.

Up--I mean, it's charming, but it's a children's animated film. Not that we shouldn't constantly reevaluate our idea of what "good" is when it comes to film and just generally art, but we should reevaluate based on things that challenge us, not yet another Pixar film that doesn't substantially differ from the last. I doubt the folks who made this movie thought that were making the best film of the year...like, why don't you just throw the Hangover in there while you're at it?

Up in the Air--I really like this movie. It does something that I think films of a certain type are supposed to do--captures a moment in modern history and speaks to the times we're living in and the changes that have occurred. For me, this movie came out at the perfect moment when a lot of change had occurred and spoke to a culture that I personally participate in. I liked it. Other friends of mine found it sort of obvious and heavy handed, and I see where they're coming from as well. All of that being said, I think in any stronger year, this movie would have gotten a screenplay nod and that's it. There wouldn't be this buzz around it.

At least Nine was left off the list, which (despite the costuming and some strong performances) was totally disjointed.

A Couple Things to be Pleased About
From the LA Times:

Bigelow, who won the Directors Guild of America Award over the weekend, is only the fourth woman to earn a best director nod. Daniels is just the second African American filmmaker to earn that honor.

I'm not thrilled just because there should be more diversity in film making (there should, it tells a better story from more perspectives), but also because I've heard that these folks put out amazing films.

All in all, academically I was taught to believe that hardship and national consciousness devoted to specific problems is a boon for cultural products. 1939 is widely considered the best year in film and we were still deeply in the Great Depression and moving swiftly towards World War II. After an economic collapse, a massive political change and engagement in 2 wars, this was the best we could come up with?

Anyways, Tami and I will be catching the flicks we haven't seen...maybe we'll join Foursquare just to see if we have any stalkers who will try to run into us at the theaters. If I can recommend anything, it's seeing the short nominees (shown in DC at the E Street Cinema.) Octopodi last year was the best 3 minutes of my life...and you feel cool at your Oscars party for having an opinion when the category comes up.

Leave your predictions (and/or strong feelings) in comments...

Hey, Costco - Treat Your Members Like They Pay to Shop There!

2010-02-01T18:59:00.002-05:00

I have a long-standing love of Costco - in fact, I've loved it since before it was Costco (it used to be called Price Club). My dad used to take me there when I was a kid - and there were always so many wonders available in bulk. The best part for me, being the budding elitist I was as a child, was that you had to be a member to get in. It may have been called Price Club - but it was a members-only club nonetheless.

As I've gotten older, I have noticed that someone has forgotten to tell Costco employees that they are, in fact, dealing with members. Now, the club may not be exclusive. It may not be expensive. But damnit, we pay a membership fee for more than moderately reasonable prices on ridiculous quantities of food (especially since my Costco in Arlington doesn't have gas).

They get ruder and ruder with each visit! On our frequent visits to Costco, my fiance and I like to grab something from, as my friend's grandfather used to call it, Cafe $1.50 (in reference to the super cheap kosher hot dog and soda meal - but I am partial to the slightly more expensive huge slice of pizza for $1.99). Well, the cafe is easiest to get to through the exit. If you go in through the entrance, you have to navigate through the densely packed long lines for check out. Recently though, we have been getting insane attitude from the trolls who check your receipt on the way out. One lovely young girl with one of those beauty mark piercings suggested we didn't realize we were walking through the exit. She tried to tell us the entrance was the other door. Um, you may not have a 6th grade education, but I do - and I can read. The worst part was that the exit was slow - there was no one there. What does she care if we want to get our lunch faster? What were we hurting?

But the attitude is all over the store - even if you aren't entering through the exit! When you check out, they treat you like scum. When you buy food, it's as though you are bothering them. When you're leaving, you get a dour expression as they make a big black or yellow mark down the middle of your receipt. I'm sorry, am I bothering you by coming to your place of employment and making you do your job?

Sadly, I have come to expect this level of service at a large number of establishments (Macy's, I am looking at you). But, I don't pay for the privilege to spend more money in a large number of places.

Costco is like the 2nd largest retailer in the world. They supposedly treat their employees really well. But, they got to be the 2nd largest retailer because of their customers - their members. Maybe it's time they clued in their well-treated employees that if they like their jobs, they should be nicer to the people that make it possible for them to remain employed.

Thanks, Recession!

2010-02-01T08:59:00.003-05:00

So, the recession screwed many of us in many ways. You didn't necessarily need to lose your house or job to feel the effects...ask any law student hoping for the cushy summer associateships of years past.

But one way the recession helped us out was by scaring the hell out of retailers. Several stores have figured that students retain their disposable income, even in hard times, and have instituted student discounts. Club Monaco began offering a 20 percent discount last Spring, which I took advantage of like it was a drunk freshman. As of today, Banana Republic (we hear from a friend who works there) is up to the same thing, but at a 15 percent discount.

So, for those of us who have retained a student ID card via either scholastic achievement or trickery ("issued: 2005" looks just like "issued: 2008" with a little sharpie magic...and really, any salesperson who questions your graduation date can be easily thrown off the scent with near tears about how difficult your learning disability makes it to take a full course load), take advantage of your student status...to stock up on work clothes. (Sidenote, the BR discount also applies to teachers...you're welcome TFA folks.)

New Thing We Love: @verymarykate

2010-01-27T11:19:00.006-05:00

I haven't see the Olsen twins in a hot minute, but much like their coked out, bleached blond, too thin counterpart Brittany Murphy, I assume someone would let me know if they died (so that we could all defile their Wikipedia profiles without the restrictive Biographies of Living Persons rules.)

Since they're supposedly still alive, our new web crush over at verymarykate.com has settled for portraying them on Vimeo...

Very Mary-Kate, Episode 1 from Mary-Kate Olsen on Vimeo.

Current catchphrase nominee: "Grown up Oxycontin tastes like chalk."

Am I the Only Feminist Who Doesn't Have a Problem with This?

2010-01-26T18:54:00.006-05:00

UPDATE: Upon learning of this from AH, I officially reverse my position. Pull the damn thing. Or open up the ad space to everyone, though AH also makes a good point about the public health implications of this specific ad (see comments.)

ORIGINAL: I...just don't have a problem with this. I'm a self-identified feminist and I'm pretty damn left, but part of my hippie liberal beliefs is that everyone has the right to say whatever the hell they want. I don't think it will come as any surprise to people that there are two sides of the abortion debate. In fact, I think everyone knows what the two sides are, what their arguments are, and that they're trying to persuade people to agree with them.

All ads are opinion pieces. "You should buy this." "You should believe that." Granted CBS screwed up in the past by denying other "advocacy" ads--that was wrong. But what I would prefer is for everyone to have the opportunity to express their opinion if they can raise the cash to do so (as long as everyone is charged the same amount.) What's the old saying? "I don't agree with what you're saying, but I'd defend with my life your right to say it."

I'm well aware of the argument that pay-to-speak situations like commercials gives rich folks more rights to free speech than the rest of us, but here's the thing--I'd rather rich people decide with their money what messages they pay to deliver than a huge entertainment network deciding what we can and cannot discuss. The latter seems to have much more insidious possibilities to me.

Why are pro-choice groups giving the ad's storyline free media instead of working together to collect enough donations to buy an ad of their own? (That said, Focus on the Family, you didn't think that $2.5 to $2.8 million would be better spent in, say, Haiti?)

Haaaaaa

2010-01-21T12:39:00.004-05:00

Obvious statement of the year: Heidi Montag is a waste of oxygen. The fact that she requires more oxygen than the average person by attempting to sing just makes it all that much more infuriating. Particularly when I have more Facebook friends than she has record sales. Us Weekly reports:

"[I]ndustry sources tell UsMagazine.com that the album has sold only 658 downloads to date."

I'll say it again: Haaaaaaaa.

Speaking of Conversations Overheard...

2010-01-21T11:08:00.012-05:00

As an anathema to the gross whores Tami overheard, AO found smart (and apparently attractive) girls on the Metro this morning. From her email:

Hot girl talking to hot friend: He said blowjobs are like flowers for guys. Do I get flowers everyday? No! So why should he, right?

All Men Don't Suck - Your Taste in Them Does

2010-01-20T20:17:00.004-05:00

As I was walking back from the gym this evening, I passed by two young women having a very animated discussion.

Girl #1 - who will be henceforth referred to as "blond idiot with ugly boots" - or BIWUB for short (seriously though, what is with calf high boots? Why would you pay to give yourself the effect of cankles or stumpy legs?), said to girl #2, who will henceforth be referred to as "brunette idiot without an original thought" - or BIWAOT for short:

BIWUB - "He is so retarded, and I really hate that word."

BIWAOT - "I so hate it when people use that word."

BIWUB - "I hate it too. It really bothers me - except when it fits the situation."

BIWAOT - "Seriously, sometimes people are just retarded."

BIWUB - "Honestly, he must have an IQ of 34. They all have an IQ of 34. Men suck."

BIWAOT - "Totally."

So there you have it - two MENSA members casting judgment on the entire male population.

Did it occur to this girl that perhaps men aren't the problem? Maybe she just has bad taste? Scratch that - she definitely has bad taste. I saw her outfit, and it was fugly. But in general, maybe she just has bad taste in men. And her little idiot friend clearly doesn't know her opinion on anything until the blond one tells her what it is.

It gets back to that whole, "he's just not that into you" thing. It is so much easier to make excuses, like he's totally busy, he likes me too much, or all men suck, than it is to look inward. Do the mature thing - egg his car, and find yourself a nice boy.

People Ask Me Stupid Questions

2010-01-20T10:38:00.003-05:00

Some of them are grammar and/or spelling related. Some of them are how to perform simple computer tasks, like sorting Excel spreadsheets. Some are ever so slightly more complicated technical tasks that are still well within Google's purview. After a recent annoyance, my boyfriend sent me this little gem.

Needless to say, Let Me Google That For You has replaced Kanye This in my heart.

2009 Was a Bad Year...For Movies

2010-01-19T13:29:00.003-05:00

Sure, Time called 2009 the end of the decade from hell...but they didn't even mention how bad the movies were. One of my favorite holidays, the Golden Globes, took place on Sunday. Usually this is something I prepare for, like some sort of sport (award shows and Restaurant Week are the closest I get), but this year I didn't get around to looking at the nominees until right before the awards. I was horrified when I finally went to fill out my ballot...

The Proposal?!?! It's Complicated?! Hell, The Hangover?! I loved The Hangover. I laughed the whole way through. It was really funny. But is this an award winning film? Really? In that case, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and 40 Year-Old Virgin were totally robbed. And do I really have to live in a world where Sandra Bullock won a Golden Globe for playing the mother of every guy on my high school football team, but slightly less racist? If she wins an Oscar, I swear to god...

Speaking of the Oscars, the Academy this year returns to their old format of nominating 10 films for the Best Picture category. Here's my question: what fucking films? Can't we just mail the statue to James Cameron and save ourselves the time and energy?

Los Angeles is A Strange Place

2010-01-18T17:16:00.002-05:00

When I was a kid, I loved visiting Los Angeles. It was this magical place with great food, good shopping and perfect weather. Don't get me wrong, there still is some great food and excellent shopping. And while the weather is usually perfect, we were just unlucky enough to come the weekend where rain ended the long drought there. But, when I was younger, I never noticed how ridiculous the people in LA are.

Everyone knows the LA stereotype - superficial people that are all trying to break into show business. But nothing makes that seem so real that like witnessing a child that couldn't have been more than 4 or 5 getting extensions in the kiddie hair salon. It was tragic, because this little girl had the most adorable little afro puff, and the extensions were certainly not an improvement.

DC has its own crazy. But, I somehow find it preferable to LA. If nothing else, it's pretty easy to be considered thin and stylish in DC!

And This Bitch is Bored

2010-01-15T22:32:00.003-05:00

So I post nothing for two months, and suddenly I post twice in one day. Well, there's a simple explanation: boredom.

I am currently on a plane headed to Los Angeles for a family event - my dad is turning 70. Today is the last day of Virgin America's promotion with Google to offer free wi-fi in flight. That feels really lucky, since the television selection on Virgin leaves much to be desired - well, the free television selection that is (I am a Jet Blue fan, myself - Jet Blue, if you're listening, I happily accept free stuff).

While it may seem a bit hack-y to do a post on the horrors of travel, I am feeling inspired.

As I get older (especially in a post 9-11 world), travel becomes more of a chore and less of a delight. I mean, flying used to be magical. You were flying for f***'s sake! And, people used to dress up for flights. Okay, so I am not old enough to really have witnessed that (or smoking on planes, thank goodness), but I have heard a lot of stories. These days, people don't even get DRESSED to fly. It's all track suits and bed head.

Also, the colder the climate I live in, the more I feel like you practically have to get naked to go through security! Take off your shoes, your jacket, your sweatshirt, your belt. And god forbid you bring a lap top. You have to unpack it from your carry on and scan it separately. AND your quart size bag of liquids that must be 3 ounces or less need to also come out of the carry on. Honestly, what is being accomplished?

About a year ago, I was flying out of Dulles and made the mistake of bringing a trial size body wash that was *gasp* 4 ounces. Well, despite having flown successfully with it about a half dozen times, it was taken away. I turned to the woman behind me in line and said, "don't you feel safer now?" I mean, seriously? The liquid thing feels like such a farce, and most of the screening process feels like theater. If I actually felt any safer, I would probably see it differently. But look at what happened on Christmas. And yes, I am sure there are many attempted attacks we hear nothing about because they are thwarted. But, then I don't hear about those! And intelligence probably plays a bigger role in preventing that stuff than TSA does...but, I digress.

All I know is that the TSA can learn a lot from El Al (the national airline of Israel). Let me tell you, I have been to Israel and they know their shit. The ticket counter people come up to you one by one as you wait in line and ask you a series of simple questions while staring at you incredibly intently. It's intimidating as all get out - but it's worked for them for a long time now. And I recently learned watching CNN (what do you know, I learned something watching CNN? That network is such a joke, but that's for another post.) that in Israel every single airport employee down to the parking attendants and janitors are trained to watch passenger behavior and report anything suspicious. Meanwhile, what is the rigorous training those TSA officials undergo? Seriously, does anyone know?

For the amount of money plane fare costs - not to mention the nickle and diming nature of air travel currently (paying for one checked bag?! RIDICULOUS) - it's amazing the indignities we all put up with.

I don't profess to know the answer. Obviously, there are real dangers in today's society and airplanes appear to be the weapon of choice for a lot of extremists. But, with all the technology we have today (HELLO I am FLYING and on the internet), there's got to be a better way.

This Bitch is Back - For Now

2010-01-15T19:08:00.002-05:00

Hello, anyone who is still actually reading this after Elle and my long hiatus. Let me start by saying that I cannot promise we won't lapse again - we are busy bitches, but we will do our best.

So much has happened in the past two months, it is difficult to know where to start. I think the most logical place to begin is on the Jersey Shore.

Can I just say, wow. And not J-Woww - just wow. I thought the Real World cast was comprised of absurd stereotypes (BTW - RW DC is a HUGE let down), but those guidos and guidettes make any Real Worlder from any season look complex.

The absurd nicknames speak for themselves. It is the tanning addiction that really frightens me. Snooki is essentially an oompa loompa - well, an oompa loompa that decided to start hooking. And those guys - they spend more time in the salon than any woman I've ever met. Oh, and I would NOT want to have to clean out the nasty drains of thick hair and gallons of hair gel. But here's the kicker - THEY ARE COMING BACK FOR ANOTHER SEASON!

So there you have it, America is obsessed with fist-pumping, short, orange people whose vocabulary hasn't surpassed the 8th grade level. You know, with Jon and Kate Plus 8 off the air, this kind of makes sense. Clearly, viewers are craving 8 more tiny people to watch bumble around and speak like children, and America needed a new hair style to make fun of. Oh, and we needed 4 tattooed, douchy, Ed Hardy-wearing idiots to replace Jon.

A Bitch's Heart Grew Three Sizes That Day...

2009-11-18T23:43:00.003-05:00

On Halloween night, I managed to lose my driver's license in New York between the parade and the bar...it was a fucking downer. I've been in a pissier mood than usual ever since.

Well, I came home today and someone had sent my ID back to my parents' house (where my ID is still from, because I don't own a car and it's $50+ cheaper) and they forwarded it along to me. I'm so damn charmed that I almost believe that humanity is basically good and decent.

Please feel free to guess at how long this mood will last and what will cause it to break.

UPDATE: 8:32 a.m. Thursday morning. F'ing Metro.

Too Cute to Keep to Myself

2009-11-18T13:50:00.007-05:00

I've been slipping on leaves all week (in flip flops, because when it gets unseasonably warm like this, it's wrong not to revert to one's California ways.) But Christopher Neimann did the perfect welcome-to-fall treatment. Almost makes me love the leaves on the ground (and I definitely love the approaching holidays.) This one just happens to be my favorite, but check out the full post--there are several gems. Happy fall, everyone.

Melrose Face

2009-11-17T21:52:00.002-05:00

As you could probably guess from my gushing about how good new Melrose Place is combined with the picture to the right, I've been counting down to this very night--Amanda Woodward's return to Melrose! I dug the whole "bitch is back" promo thing, and from the quick cuts to Heather Locklear's face, she seemed to be holding up well with age.

Two commercial breaks in, she's so nipped, tucked and botoxed that she can barely talk. I much prefer Daphne Zuniga's pass on the boty, even if it does bore Wendy Williams.

DC, We Need to Talk...

2009-11-12T18:07:00.009-05:00

About your terrible fashion sense! Winter is upon us and generally one would think that folks would cover up against the cold. Apparently not.

I've been a fan of tights, particularly instead of leggings. They're difficult to confuse with pants (but just in case you wondered, NOT PANTS. Neither leggings nor tights are pants. It's very important that we all recognize this.) And, unlike leggings, they don't cut off height and make short gals (like myself) look shorter.

But the lycra abusers of this city can get all kinds of things wrong. Another thing leggings and tights don't do: make your skirt an appropriate length. Now I'll admit, tights can push that skirt that's on the border of being work appropriate or not over the edge if they're in the same color family and that color is muted, but if your ass is about to peek out of the bottom of your skirt, it doesn't make it ok if it's "covered" with tights. All of the following pictures were taken in the middle of a work day.

Besides having a whole lot of property with a very little real estate on top of it (that's my way of saying "fat ass in a little skirt"), this woman on a cold, windy, rainy day, has chosen to cover her legs with nothing but thin, brightly colored, ugly patterned tights. Patterned tights can be cute, but they can also go very very wrong. They tend to be better on darker colors and thicker tights. Tami once witnessed the most unfortunate patterned tights of all--skin toned pattern tights. Looks. Like. Leg fungus. Long story short, if in the slightest bit of doubt, just say no to patterned tights.

The pattern below is, at least, kind of amusing. I would argue that it's too loud to be work appropriate, and that skirt is unquestionably too short. And last but not least, while I have woken up late for work and thrown on layers of black and gray until I was convinced that there was enough pseudo-matching that it came back around on the other side of fine looking (like how communism becomes sort of like fascism if you go far enough left even though fascism is far right. What, that didn't clarify the theory?) But I'm pretty sure this gal got up, put herself together, and thought she was looking fab. Well honey, you're fat, sparkling and not matching. Also, we don't include faces on this blog, but she had some truly heinous highlights.

And, well, as long as we're taking pictures of people, TWINS!! Maybe shopping with our friends isn't a good idea. [Shrug]

This Is Not a Small Mistake

2009-11-12T10:21:00.003-05:00

Jon Stewart--whom I watch nightly--pointed out recently that Fox News has grossly exaggerated the attendance at a recent health care rally by using older footage of a better attended rally. Sean Hannity admitted that Stewart was right and apologized for the distortion...sort of...

Is it just me, or was that a little glib for someone who just tried to manipulate the political system by outright lying on what is supposed to be a news broadcast. He acts like Jon is picking on them for a production mistake. And while it may have been an inadvertent switch (I kind of doubt it) the effect of the footage was to drastically distort the truth of the story being reported. Given the implications there, I think the apology should have taken a tone that was closer to reverent and farther from snide.

Then again, I may just be carrying over some Republican rage from having recently watched this:

No wonder I left Georgia.

ANTM: Shorter Models and Smaller Budget

2009-11-11T21:43:00.002-05:00

The recession has clearly hit ANTM. While there still appears to be ample money for Tyrant's weaves and drag ensembles, the rest of the show appears to be done on the cheap.

Exhibit A: The loss of Paulina Porizkova (or any 5th judge for that matter)

Paulina was that great combination of bitch and sage. She was, as Tyra would say, "fierce" but old enough that Tyra wasn't threatened. Little clue: when Tyra says "legendary" she means "much older than me."

Now there are only 4 judges with a guest judge - who often seems pretty bargain basement (e.g. Lauren Conrad) or is a FOT (friend of Tyra).

Exhibit B: The prizes seem to be less extravagant

Rather than giving the winning girl and 3 friends jewelry or any of them expensive shoes/clothes (and yes, I do know that one challenge winner did get a boat load of free designer duds), most of the prizes are advertorials in Seventeen, extra frames at photo shoots, or Wal-Mart gift cards.

Exhibit C: The trip to Hawaii

Each season the final six girls head to a "fashion capital" to finish out the competition. Well, this year's fashion capital is Hawaii. Now, I've been a little suspect as to whether or not previous destinations constituted fashion capitals (Johannesburg, I am looking at you), but Tyra didn't even pretend Hawaii is a place for fashion. Sure, they shoot plenty of swimsuit catalogues and Victoria's Secret crap there, but flip flops and swimwear do not a fashion destination make.

Exhibit D: The discount contestants

It's almost like Tyra went with short girls because she couldn't afford full-sized ones this year.

Dear Under-Developed Beings with Rolley Briefcases...

2009-11-09T18:12:00.002-05:00

You are the scourge of humanity. You take up an extra stair on the escalator. You cut people off and don't even f'ing notice--you're like people who suddenly gain tons of weight and then underestimate their radius of clearance. You practically take up the walking space of an entire second person...an entire second person that you've conveniently forgotten that you're dragging behind you.

One day I'm going to walk around with a red wagon purposely cutting off people with rolley briefcases and acting oblivious just to see if I can get one of them to express displeasure so that I can yell at them.

Two Ugly Things Happened at the Cal Game

2009-11-09T15:22:00.004-05:00

One, of course, being bitchface.

The second, in case you missed it (and I'm not particularly advocating you watch it--it's pretty gnarly--but I just wanted to give you the option)...

Jahvid Best is a god on the football field, Cal will miss him desperately for the remainder of the season, and we two bitches wish him a speedy recovery.

Color Me Skeptical

2009-11-09T15:11:00.002-05:00

Several friends have recently linked me to The Fun Theory, an initiative by Volkswagen that postulates that people will do things that are good for themselves and for the environment if those things are fun.

Here's an example, aimed at getting people to recycle glass bottles:

I have no problem with the theory--surely we'd all rather do something that's fun than not, but I have to question the net gain and sustainability of the project. First, how much energy and material is required to turn recycling bottles into an arcade game? Doesn't it at least diminish the return on recycled materials? Would it be cost prohibitive for cities to roll out? And, if cities did invest in fun theory solutions, would it maintain the same efficacy over time? I tend to doubt it. Surely part of the appeal must be a the novelty effect, which drops off severely over time.

The whole thing makes for amusing YouTube videos, but I think it's a long way off from actually perpetuating social good.

Pardon Me, But I Believe You Have a Case of Bitchface

2009-11-08T00:52:00.004-05:00

So, a couple weeks ago, a friend of mine got incredibly drunk and hooked up with some chick none of us had ever seen before at one of the alumni Cal game viewings. Not being as drunk as he was at the time, I tried to stop him. "Look," I pleaded, "she's not very cute. You're being fooled because you're very drunk, she's acting like she's attractive, and she's wearing tight clothes. In the morning, you're going to find that she's a couple sizes too big for those clothes and she has an ugly face." In the morning, he found that I was right.

Now, this girl is lame, and I guarantee you, you know someone like her. She is the kind of girl who wants very much to be perceived as cool, and so does a perpetual, over the top Regina George impression. She conspicuously gets up, walks around, makes a show of saying hello to multiple people, talks loudly... She's a trying too hard ho with bad skin and frizzy brown hair with a single streak of white highlight on the left side of her face and a real bad case of bitchface. Disgusting.

Well, she disappeared the following week, and we were all sort of hoping she was a collective bad dream...though the friend who hooked up with her knew differently, for she is also the type to purposely leave something behind in the hopes of getting a second date. Seriously, girl is gross.

But no no, she re-emerged the week after, got wicked drunk, kind of fell all over the place, and threw herself at the friend she'd hooked up with. Like not a little toss, full on threw herself to the point of getting jealous every time the friend talked to any of his female friends (myself included) and admonishing him for "paying attention to plain girls instead of her." Really, Ugly? Really?

Well, this week she was back (and the friend she hooked up with was not), and early on in the game, she made a loud announcement that she was tripping over things. Annoyed at her continued loud (and what I assumed was once again inebriated) behavior, I asked the two friends she'd made from our table if they could please stop bringing her. Next thing I know, I'm in the ladies room and the following conversation ensues (reconstructed to the best of my ability)...

Bitchface: I think we need a minute.
Me: I really don't think we do.
BF: Well, you said something kind of aggressive to my friends.
Me: I mean, I don't like you. I don't think we need a minute to discuss that.
BF: OK, but you don't even know me.
Me: Well, no, not well, but I still find you really annoying. And you were acting a drunk 'n bitchy fool last time I saw you.
BF: I wasn't drunk. Who are you to say when I'm drunk?
Me: OK, well, in that case you were acting like an idiot sober. Doesn't make it better.
BF: OK, I guess our personalities might clash, but I graduated before you, which means I have more right to alumni events than you do [eds note: this is your argument? really? I don't even know when she graduated or why I've never seen her at events pre-the bad idea hook up if that's the case, but she knows like maybe 5 people] so don't tell someone who's not even an alum and someone who graduated after me not to bring me places.
Me: I'm pretty sure I'll tell anyone anything I want, but thanks.
BF: Ok, well, you enjoy the game in your little Converse.
Me: Thanks, you enjoy it with your bad skin and your frizzy hair and your ugly highlight.

Now here's my question: Who the fuck has a problem with Converse?

Top Chef All Stars Dinner...Eye Roll

2009-11-04T22:26:00.002-05:00

As our readers well know, at 2B1B we consider ourselves foodies and true television lovers, so Top Chef is a natural fit for us. But I truly resent clips shows and reunions. I thought maybe the Top Chef All Star Dinner would be different...but really just no.

It's like what Joan Cusack says of her high school reunion in Grosse Pointe Blank: "It's just as if everyone had swelled." And Casey, you're very sweet and very hot, but why does your hair color just never ever look good?

I guess it's interesting to see that Marcel is still a little bitch and that lovably cantankerous Stefan is going to tell him where to shove it, but Bravo, on the off chance that you're listening, none of us really care, we mostly just want to have dinner ourselves with Fabio and the cast of season 3.

I Think You're Being Overcharged...

2009-11-03T21:16:00.002-05:00

Back in September, Tami made a really good point about the voice over on one of our mutual favorite shows, How I Met Your Mother.

Watching Gossip Girl, another question on the same subject occurs to me: what's with the famous folks voicing unseen roles? Besides being unrealistic, pretending that Josh Radnor is going to suddenly sound like Bob Saget in the next twenty years just seems like bad business--why pay two actors when you could pay one?

And what the hell is Kristen Bell doing as the voice of Gossip Girl? I guess she has a distinctive voice...sorta...kinda, but she's also damn hot and riding some Forgetting Sarah Marshall fame (and how could we possibly forget Veronica Mars?!) You're telling me there's not one slightly pudgey, eh looking current-waitress-wannabe-actress chick in all of Hollywood with a decent voice who would gleefully perform that role for a tenth of the price and, at the producers' request--nay, demand--pretend to be a press hating recluse? There is a recession, people!

Hell, I'd do it. XOXO.

Someone had to do it...

2009-11-01T22:58:00.003-05:00

I've complained with many friends about family members on Facebook. Some of my friends are now in the older sibling role, where you're raining on all of the irresponsible pseudo-public personal information fun. I myself have been subjected to my mother and my aunts joining Facebook.

My mother feels my Facebook profile hurts my chances for sustained employment because I'm openly a liberal and an atheist, privacy settings, non-discrimination laws, and a vastly different culture outside of the southeast aside.

My aunt believes that, because I update my status with when I'm going to be out of town, there is a very elaborate burglar out there who will Facebook friend me, some how find my address, wait for me to go out of town, hide outside my apartment building until someone leaves the front door open a crack, and then jimmy the lock on my apartment door with a credit card and/or screw driver. Frankly, I'd be flattered at the effort.

Tami and I have commiserated about late comers to the Facebook movement constantly updating their status, commenting on everything I do, and continuously inviting me to accept some flower, small animal or even their hearts [eye roll].

Some geniuses out there started compiling the annoying ridiculousness that parents perpetuate on Facebook in the STFU, Marrieds and Believers style, and we love them!

My New Favorite Band

2009-11-01T22:30:00.003-05:00

My dear friends PD and AH pointed me towards this video about how awful pregnant women are, which I just so thoroughly agree with.

Then I started browsing the Garfunkel and Oates channel and found that they're comedy goddesses among women (and the blonde one is super hot.) "Me, You and Steve" is a relatable one for the single gals out there (and LR and LH's fave), but I personally really like this one:

This Party Took a Turn for the Douche by Garfunkel and Oates - watch more funny videos

Happy Halloween, Fellow Bitches!

2009-10-30T16:17:00.001-04:00

Oh Internet, How I Love You

2009-10-26T11:14:00.003-04:00

As is often a favorite topic of conversation, friends and I were discussing my 38 year old brother's 22 year old girlfriend. We went on an amusing journey through her unprotected Facebook photos and stumbled upon fugly internet gold. Please enjoy.

me: her friend designs ugly ass clothes, wow
Wen: i'm so glad i left the south
me: f'ing tell me about it. look at these ugly ass clothes http://www.facebook.com/search/?q=Devan+Logan&init=quick#/photo.php?pid=79795&id=100000227014223
Wen: ok gross. why did you show me that
me: because it's like a car wreck...can't look away and want to point it out to others
Wen: it wasn't a joke. i thought it was, but it's a real advertisement for someone's design. And it looks like they used a camera phone to take the shot
me: right?!
Wen: it looks like a ten year old's art project
me: I know!
Wen: it looks like a picture someone would display in a picture frame made out of Popsicle sticks
me: hahaha
me: Oh, wait wait...yes! http://copelanddesigns.com/
Wen: they look like costumes
me: http://www.myspace.com/copeland_designs
Wen: OH DEAR GOD
me: oh god, it's just so good. I hate to admit this, but Devan dresses well; there's no way she likes this shit
Wen: how can anyone?? i know hippies who might, but they pull it off better
me: what are you talking about, I love brightly colored taffeta on fat girls
Wen: i'm gonna wrap this tulle around me and tie the ends in a ribbon that mounts on my head!
me: fashion!
Wen: birthday cake chic

There, there Ashlee...

2009-10-25T13:45:00.002-04:00

C'mon over, we'll split a bottle of champagne, and Tami and I will admire your nose job. (Seriously, that schnoz is a thing of beauty.)

For those that missed the news (and apologies, Tami and I have been under a rock, so we didn't deliver it), Ms. Simpson-Wentz was cut from New Melrose Place, as was Colin Egglesfield (Auggie).

Now, my fellow bitch and I are split on New 90210, but we both agree that New Melrose Place is delicious. It's properly scandalous, the characters are kind of great, Katie Cassidy--despite sometimes being styled ridiculously--is awesome, and it pays great homage to the original without, as Tami pointed out, relegating the new folks to supporting characters the way New 90210 misstepped in the beginning. It's just really good bad TV.

That said, Ashlee Simpson-Wentz pretty much sucks ass. She's just a real bad actress. I think Tyra Banks was her acting instructor, because she spends most of her time on that show "smizing" and overall it reads as crazy eyes. And her character is also genuinely off-putting, which isn't at all her fault, but is still just unfortunate for her. BUT she plays Sydney Andrews daughter, and there's not a person on this planet who looks more like the spawn of Laura Leighton. And it's not like the actors and actresses on the original 90210 or Melrose Place were gifted thespians. These shows can carry a few bad actors.

So is it a smart move on the part of the show? I'm just not sure. I guess it really depends on how they wrap up the Sydney Andrews murder drama. But I will says that on multiple occasions I've recommended to a friend that she watch New Melrose Place, and she's responded that she would, but Ashlee Simpson-Wentz is on it, so how good can it be? If the chick is dragging down ratings, I support the show's producers, because letting this thing get canceled would be a travesty for humanity. I'm only half kidding.

As for Colin Egglesfield, I didn't know his name until this story broke, but I'm in serious anguish. He was, without question, the hottest thing on that show. I love the dark, broody, motor-cycle riding type. He was going to replace the Dylan McKay crush I've held onto for way too long.

Important News!

2009-10-16T10:50:00.002-04:00

There is a cause for concern: hand sanitizer shortage! Oh. My. God.

I kind of love H1N1...if only for bringing us pictures like this:

We're Turning 100

2009-10-14T20:33:00.009-04:00

This here is our hundredth post. Tami and I thought long and hard about what it should be--something that encompassed the blog up to this point while speaking to the enormity of life, love and the universe...

Then, we came in contact with this gent, and we thought "fuck it."
Wish you'd all been there, both to witness his full George-Michael-wardrobe-meets-Flock-of-Seagulls-hair glory, and to see us trying to surreptitiously take a picture of him.

We really appreciate all of our readers, from our old friends with their sassy comments and topic suggestions to the new folks we've e-met. Here's a cheers to y'all, the start of Ugg season, and the next hundred posts, likely to feature many pictures of Ugg-abusers.

Thanks again to the fashion victims and our readers who love them,
Tami and Elle

Stand Up for Equality

2009-10-08T21:14:00.006-04:00

I am going to follow Elle's suit and do a rare, serious post on a political issue that's been bugging the hell out of me, and I feel like ranting about.

When Prop 8 actually passed in California, I honestly felt sick to my stomach. I could not believe that people could really vote to "Eliminate the right of same sex couples to marry." People voted to eliminate the rights of other human beings. It's disgusting.

What's even more disgusting are the narrow-minded, homophobic, and hypocritical arguments employed by the religious right against same-sex marriage.

For example (and this is a popular one), it would harm the institution of marriage. Let me translate this for you:

Your heterosexual marriage will somehow be less valid if we allow same sex couples the same rights.

That is just absurd. First of all, marriage is nothing more than a societal construct and tax shelter. It isn't some union ordained by god. In fact, it used to come with a dowry so that men could get some value out of having daughters - it was a business transaction! Furthermore, if anything is harmful to the "institution of marriage" it's the fact that Britney Spears can get married for 56 hours on some bender in Vegas to a guy with the same real name as George from Seinfeld.

Next, people like to say, "if we let a man marry a man or a woman marry a woman, what's next? Will I be able to marry my dog or my toaster?" My response to anyone who actually asked me that would as follows:

Sir/ma'am, the fact that it even crosses your mind to marry your dog or toaster makes me very concerned for you. Furthermore, I cannot believe you are equating a human being with a dog or toaster - and I don't give a crap what Leviticus says about it.

Finally, there is the argument about how it will lead to the degradation of the American family - because then same-sex couples will be able to more easily adopt unwanted children who will otherwise potentially live our the rest of their days in foster care or worse. Please, please homophobic religious conservatives, save the children from a loving set of parents who will provide for them and give them a real home! After all, how can anyone possibly be happy and healthy with 2 moms or 2 dads? It must be better for them to live in foster care or group homes.

It is also shocking to me on the prop 8 front that the two groups who helped pass this horrible proposition are two groups that not that long ago were persecuted with regard to marriage. African Americans voted in huge numbers to pass prop 8 - and it wasn't that long ago that anti-miscegenation laws were still on the books. And, of course, the LDS church threw insane amounts of money at this campaign. Mormons - who were also persecuted for their marriage practices - you know, polygamy? Wasn't that long ago in the grand scheme that Mormons were polygamists...

If religious conservatives don't want to allow same sex couples to get "married," then the state should get out of the f***ing marriage business. We all get domestic partnerships (with the same partner benefits and tax credits) or we all get marriage. I am sure there is some legal nuance I am getting wrong here, but didn't Brown v The Board of Education of Topeka Kansas tell us that the doctrine of separate but equal is inherently unequal?

If you live in DC and feel like I do about this issue, then I would like to encourage you to come out and show your support. There's a march Sunday starting at 11 am. Now, I avoided every single protest in my 4 years at Berkeley - so I am not some crazy, protesting, bleeding heart. But, I think it's important that people turn out and finally say it's time to get our heads out of our asses and give all of our citizens equal rights. This isn't about sexuality - it's about equality.

And While We're at It...

2009-10-08T11:06:00.003-04:00

Washingtonian is doing their annual restaurant poll as well.

I nominate Art and Soul for worst service, worst value, most overrated and most overpriced.

For the record, places that made repeat appearances on my list (doubt this will shock anyone): Komi, Dino, Pesce, Bistrot du Coin, Granville Moore's, Blue Duck Tavern, good ole Open City, and of course Cake Love.

Vote on voters...I think there may be a free dinner in it for you.

Endorsements: Express Night Out Best of DC

2009-10-06T23:21:00.003-04:00

Express Night Out is doing their annual Best of DC poll. Please god, let us influence your votes.

For our non-DC readers (miss you, Cali kids), the Express is owned by The Washington Post and is like the Reader's Digest condensed version of the daily paper that they give you for free on the metro every morning to distract you from starting fights with bitches who try to bludgeon you with umbrellas.

The format, as always, is 8 billion categories, each with multiple choice options and a write in option. The multiple choice options say more to me about each restaurant's publicist than any establishment's eminence in any given category. The five or six given as options are definitely not the five or six best establishments in each category.

How do I know? Aside from being on a never-ending restaurant tour of this city, fucking Art and Soul has gotten themselves listed in a nausea-inducing number of categories. Seriously, Art and Soul, you're terrible, and the only way you get yourself in so many categories has got to be by still having your publicist on staff from your opening.

So, I do encourage you to vote:

For anyone but Art and Soul in every category they appear in
For Dino as best Italian restaurant
For this here blog as a total long shot write in for "Local Blog" way down the list under "Home & Away"

Also, I would never force someone's hand on declaring the single best restaurant in D.C., but from my perspective, nothing touches Komi. And Art and Soul definitely doesn't come close (seriously, what the hell are they doing listed in that category?)

Advocate for your faves in comments. I'm particularly interested to hear which cupcakery folks prefer and how you're voting in the sushi category since Sushi Taro underwent it's metamorphosis.

Why Am I Still Watching The Hills?

2009-10-06T21:35:00.003-04:00

Every time I turn it on, my fiance runs out of the room screaming that watching even a second of that crap is causing him to lose brain cells (and whenever I would watch one of the VH1 "of Love" shows, he said I was giving the Tivo herpes), and I agree. It's a vile show about horrible, vapid people. Yet, I cannot stop watching.

A new season started last week, and its star (who incidentally made more than 100K an episode) has decided to live life off camera for a while. Meanwhile, fame whore Kristin Cavallari (who refused to honor contractual obligations to appear on Laguna Beach after graduating) failed at her attempted acting career and has set her sights on the role of Hills villain. It is honestly the only explanation for her behavior. Who starts a fight the second time they meet someone out of the blue?! If there were any doubt (there wasn't) that The Hills is scripted, it's gone now.

And then there is "King" Spencer Pratt. The guy is a douche rocket. And yet, he is sort of an evil genius. He practically has a weekly segment on The Soup, gets magazine covers left and right, and has only recently been eclipsed by Jon Gosselin as Perez Hilton's favorite guy to draw penises on. (Hey, Perez - it's still on, BTW. And if Jon Gosselin is so offensive, STOP GIVING THE GUY FREE PRESS!) He went from being nobody to being as famous as any legitimate celebrity. People who would never watch The Hills know who he is. Anderson Cooper has even talked about him!

I think the reason I cannot stop watching The Hills is that there is some sort of black magic going on. Maybe there are subliminal messages recorded under that lame instrumental music they play for the "previously on The Hills" recap at the beginning of each episode. For such a reviled show, it does well enough to pay its cast obscene salaries for essentially nothing. Adam DiVello seriously has made a deal with the devil, and I hope he rots in hell for cursing the American public with the phenomenon known as "Speidi" and for all the brain cells his program has cost me.

I Made it All the Way Through Gossip Girl...

2009-10-06T20:02:00.005-04:00

Unlike Tami, and there's something really wrong with Tyra Banks.

She played her usual character: over-acted hysteria and high maintenance behavior. But wait! That's not who she really is, she's just been manipulated and taken advantage of by all of her handlers! Snore. I've already seen this character on ANTM and the Tyra Banks Show. Yes Tyra, you're very misunderstood...you and every 15 year-old girl in America.

Also, HilDuff looks chunky. She got too thin for a minute there, but she's swung too far the other way now. Or maybe it was just the heinous styling.

(In contrast, shout out to LH who sat next to the beautiful and fabulous Blake Lively at lunch today.)

Hey, I Know Those Asses!

2009-10-06T19:30:00.002-04:00

So I have two friends who dress up as donkeys to attend Nationals games. They routinely get attention - but this is big time. You should be proud, boys. I know lots of people who would kill for a placement in the Post (and it appeared in print too).

Do I Really Need to Explain My Problem with This?

2009-10-06T19:06:00.002-04:00

There are many things that horrify me about people on the metro. I'm honestly shocked I haven't talked about more of them yet. Just in general, people think it's OK to act in barely imaginable selfish ways. But something happened today that even I've never seen.

I was doing my usual rush hour commute and the red line was crowded, as usual. I only live 2 stops from work, so it's fairly easy to put up with, but the stop in between work and home (Dupont) is particularly busy. When we got there, several people got on and off, and simply to get out of the way, I took one of the seats by the door.

These seats are the ones with ads behind them that run parallel to the train wall, rather than in perpendicular rows. The point is, sitting in these seats, you're facing out towards those who are standing. The woman standing over me first leaned in to get a good look at the ad behind me...and breathe on my forehead. I let it go.

She then proceeded to take her medium sized umbrella and propped the end of it onto her thigh, holding onto the handle part with her hand, extending her arm away from her body. That is to say, she created a triangle--her thigh and torso make up one leg of the triangle, her arm them creates the angles and forms the second leg, and the umbrella that she is holding and digging into her thigh create the base. It's also protruding threateningly at my throat.

In general, I'm very protective of my throat...too many episodes of Buffy when I was young. Aware of my over sensitivity, I tried hard to let this go--after all, it was only one stop. But then, due to a train stopped in front of us, our train came to a sudden stop and this womanbrella lurched dangerously close to my neck/face. I said to her, "excuse me?" She looked at me confused. Unsure how to explain this, I gestured at her umbrella--still conspicuously in my personal space--and mumbled "I, um..." She still seemed unconcerned.

So, I thought about it. I decided to use my "I" words. Instead of saying, "you're about to jab me in the throat with your umbrella!" I gestured to the umbrella and said, "having that there makes me nervous." (See, totally took responsibility for my feelings...that therapist I had for 3 sessions when I was 6 would be so proud.) That bitch responded by looking at me, looking at her umbrella, rolling her eyes, and saying sarcastically, "Well I certainly wouldn't want you to feel nervous."

Seriously?! Seriously?! It wasn't even raining today. And even if you weren't about to assault me with your umbrella, is there some reason you can't hold the umbrella vertically at your side like a normal person? I too love pointy objects digging into my thigh (seriously, what the fuck?), but could you perhaps not take up unnecessary space on a crowded metro? What don't people understand about this? Drop your shit down to your side, make yourself as small as possible, and try to understand that everyone else has to get home/to work as well and you're not uniquely entitled to an undue amount of space. Too easy.

Gossip Girl: A Case Study in Why Stunt Casting Is A Bad Idea

2009-10-05T21:39:00.003-04:00

Before I get to GG, and the overacting mess that is Tyra Banks, I want to share something from my latest issue of Entertainment Weekly that really got me thinking. EW asserted an old adage: Stars don't make TV - TV makes stars. I wish I could find a link to the article to share with you, but it appears that it is only in the print version of the magazine and not their Web site. So, I will give you the highlights. Recently, Christian Slater, Heather Graham and Hugh Jackman were all cast in shows that were off the air as quickly as they appeared. Before Friends, all the members of the cast were struggling actors who might have looked vaguely familiar (e.g. Courtney Cox from her stint on Family Ties). Friends made them HUGE. And Friends provides a good segue to talk about stunt casting.

When done well, there is nothing wrong with an occasional big name dropping by a show for February sweeps. In fact, when done well, it usually results in an Emmy for said big name (see: William Shatner on The Practice). But an endless parade of guest stars gets you no where, and it just shows your writers are running out of ideas (see: J-Lo, Janet Jackson and a million other randoms on Will & Grace).

But stunt casting is the worst when you don't even swing for the fences with your guest stars. And that brings me to tonight's episode of Gossip Girl. Tonight, viewers were treated to both Hilary Duff and Tyra Banks. I really wish there were a better way to convey sarcasm, but let me spell if out for you. By "treated," I actually mean tortured to two terrible performances. And, I have to be honest, I didn't even make it through the entire episode. When Tyra had her first scene, I had to turn off the TV and immediately shower - because I felt so dirty for tuning in.

Hilary Duff is wooden and her teeth are still distracting. Honestly, the girl should stick to singing (sue me, I kinda found Wake Up sort of catchy) and Disney fare - where they honestly don't care if you can act. I mean, she is playing an actress and she is unconvincing! You know something - all those "big actresses" who got their start with Disney all kind of suck in real roles. The Duffster, Lindsay Lohan, Miley Cyrus, Vanessa Hudgens...the list goes on, but I digress.

And then there is Tyrant. She fancies herself an actress, but bitch, please. She habitually overacts - and those poor girls on ANTM when she offers them an acting "teach" - they are just screwed. She is supposed to play this impossible diva on GG, but the funny part is they didn't just cast her as Tyra. Now, had she been cast to play herself, we might have had something here. But, as a character actress, she is just unwatchable.

Yet, there is a bigger problem with stunt casting than casting sub-par stars to drive ratings. It often signals the beginning of the end - the jumping of the shark that Elle referenced recently. It's like a harbinger of a show death - sometimes the death is slow (again, see: Will & Grace) and sometimes it is rather sudden (see:Betty White on My Name is Earl - yeah, that's canceled).

I used to really enjoy GG. I put it in the guilty pleasure category. It was frothy and silly. I clearly have a soft spot for shows about pretty people and their epic problems. But, this latest episode - combined with that awkward transition to college that almost no show does well - has got me wondering if I have one less thing to Tivo.

It's Hard Out There for A Cal Fan

2009-10-04T22:30:00.005-04:00

I know quite a few Cal fans read this blog, but I am willing to hazard a guess that most of Elle's friends were not around for the dreaded Holmoe years. I learned as a wee freshman that being a Cal fan is rife with disappointment and heartbreak.

But, after the most abysmal year (our 1-10 season where our only victory was a post-season game with Rutgers that had to be rescheduled because of 9/11) I think in Cal's history (but, if I am wrong, I am sure someone will straighten me out - I don't want to do the Google search, deal with it), we were given a gift in the form of Jeff Tedford. He has been deified by all Cal fans - including Elle - and with good reason. He brought Cal football back from the brink.

But, it is still Cal football. And that means there will always be disappointment. The Bears can snatch defeat from the jaws of victory - I have seen it with my own eyes many times. For all you Cal fans that read what us bitches think, I wanted to share this piece that a friend of mine found in the Wall Street Journal. I think it summarizes the Cal fan experience quite nicely. Thanks GM!

Make no mistake, I will never lose faith in my Bears. And, I hope to see them play in the Rose Bowl sometime soon (and I hope I can afford the tickets when they finally do). Sadly, I also will never be surprised when another promising season doesn't turn out as I hoped.

What Else Is Wrong with Tyra Banks

2009-10-04T16:53:00.005-04:00

It is well-established that both Elle and I find Tyrant Banks incredibly irritating and plan to write about her often. So, consider this "What's Wrong with Tyra Banks" to be somewhat of a regular column.

Elle was spot-on in her earlier recap of this week's ANTM. The whole scarf thing was ridiculous. Tyrant's set-ups for photo shoots are just getting lamer and lamer (i.e. more and more about her life and experiences). The girls are constantly "embodying" something ludicrous like natural disasters, political issues, and Tyra before she goes to bed.

But I still cannot get over the whole premise of this particular season. Girls under 5'7'' get a shot to be America's Next Top Model, and Tyra gets their undying devotion for giving them this amazing opportunity. But that's not the weirdest part. The weirdest part is that Tyra lets them all wear flats to judging. See, during a normal season, the "short girls" - the ones that are 5'7'' - are routinely chastised for wearing flats to judging. They are told that because their height already puts them at a disadvantage, they should be living in heels. I somehow think they were actually barred from wearing heels this season. I think Tyra - in her never-ending effort to "change the industry" - forbids them from wearing heels. But, I think it's more about her ability to tower over them at her height, plus stilettos, so she can remind them that she is, as Elle posits, America's Next (and only) Top Model.

At Heart, I'm Really Just a 12-Year-Old Boy

2009-10-02T11:14:00.005-04:00

My fellow bitch, friends, and co-workers attended a fundraiser dinner last night, just to see precisely how DC we can be. The answer, for me, is not very.

The first speaker was conveying her experience as a child laborer in the agricultural industry. She reminisced, "I remember getting out of bed, lacing up my boots, grabbing my hoe..." I lost it. Seriously, I'm 12. I lost it and could not recover, because I managed to get a picture in my head of this little girl, dressed in the most outlandish pimp costume ever, grabbing her "ho" (affectionately named Candy by AO) and chiding her for being late.

Discussing my immature sense of humor with WHG led to further terrible euphemisms about ploughing, planting seeds and trimming bush. Which reminded me that I haven't publicly reacted with shock and horror to this commercial...

WHG: "I was horrified...obviously those plants should have completely disappeared."

Not to worry, ladies. The male version:

Hey gents, making it look taller doesn't change the way it feels, but it does cut down on the BJ flossing, sooo thanks Gillette?

A Note to Anonymous Commenters

2009-09-30T22:32:00.007-04:00

Suck it.

I'm totally serious, you're a douche. It's one thing to create a pseudonym, be a regular blog reader, and establish a personality through comments. That's participation and it's a creative endeavor on its own--we're down for it. True confession, Elle isn't my real name and neither Tami nor I are Heather Locklear or Kristen Davis. (I know you're all shocked.)

But if you can't even come up with a name besides anonymous and you're going to nit pick posts, I'll say it again, you can suck it.

Are we going to have the occasional typo? Sure. We have jobs, relationships, friends, television and shopping habits, and cooking skills. This blog isn't our life, it's our hobby. I claim that's why I accidentally called Rice-a-Roni "Hamburger Helper." But that's all a far damn cry from Perez Hilton--his blog is his job and apparently his only passion in life and he still manages to have 8 times the typos.

And "Anonymous," if you really want to get into it "Interesting that there are typos in this very blog" is a fragment, and what follows is a totally ridiculous use of an ellipses. Don't bring out the grammar bitch in me.

This isn't the blog war we intended to start, but a good bitch loves conflict. The long story short is that we're not going to start obsessing for the amusement of an anonymous commenter who has no point for the myriad of reasons listed above. But we are going to mock you mercilessly.

Also, seriously, suck it.

I Think I've Isolated Tyra Banks's Pathology

2009-09-30T22:16:00.005-04:00

(Yes, we're going to rip on Tyra on a weekly basis. Those who object will be banned from the readership.)

Tyra believes that she is America's Next Top Model. This is the problem. Every cycle, when she says "one of you will be America's Next Top Model," what she means is "I am America's top model and none of you little bitches will ever challenge my title." This is why no one on that show ever goes on to modeling success.

How else do you explain her appearing between each girl's photo shoot--shot by Tyra, of course. Memo to the Tyrant, being a model doesn't make you a photographer. Deal with it. Get me Annie Leibovitz--wearing different colored head scarves, talking about the girls' performance, doing crazy shit with the scarves and making her ridiculous accents. And of course, there were choice self-love quotes (from memory):

"The reason you had to unwrap my whole body from that huge scarf is because you're going to wear head scarves in your photo shoot." Right, because that makes sense. Clearly the same thing.

"You're going to wear head scarves, so you're going to look like me when I go to bed." Yes Tyra, you and every other chick with your hair type, which is roughly an entire ethnic group.

"I was really excited to shoot Ashley because she was my girl that I found on my talk show and now I'm shooting her during my television show." Fuck it, Ashley wins.

Tyra, look into shock therapy.

Jay Manuel is actually a totally decent art director. I don't know how he puts up with this.

And what the balls is Tyra (and Hillary Duff at that) doing on Gossip Girl next week? I feel a shark jump coming on.

Joel McHale is My Hero

2009-09-30T20:35:00.003-04:00

Not only is the guy ridiculously cute (I have an affection for tall men), but he gets paid to mock bad television. And that has led to an opportunity to star in good television.

Now, I went to Berkeley (Go Bears!), and Berkeley is full of idealistic students who somehow do not realize that the 60s are over - and I am not just talking about the independent pharmaceutical distribution that the town is also famous for. No, I am talking about the pathological need some students have to re-create the Free Speech Movement.

So, that brings me to my love for Joel McHale - or at least his new show Community (but make no mistake - I love Joel McHale for who he is as well). On last week's episode, the students are so eager to be political in college that they host a protest to show their outrage over a journalist who was beaten to death in Guatemala - and had a pinata made to look like him for the protest. They finish the day's event with a silent protest and candle light vigil - you know, because silence=death and candles are dramatic.

Well, Joel McHale's character is trying to get with some generic, but attractive blond, so he pretends to care and joins the protest. Meanwhile, Chevy Chase's character gets super drunk and makes a scene. This is brilliant. Ah, reminds me of college.

Trying to Start a Blog War

2009-09-29T22:15:00.004-04:00

Perez Hilton is a tool. He is totally bought in to his own hype. Now, I am going to be honest. I absolutely check his blog daily. I don't know why, but I can't stop.

But, that does not mean I respect him or think he's a good writer. I mean, he has thousands (if not millions) of readers and his posts are riddled with typos. More than 90% of his posts are quotes pulled from actual news sources (read, glossy magazines and tabloids) and photos of celebs with penises or compliments drawn all over them. And seriously, with all the money he makes, can he not do a better job of building his site and integrating advertising?! His stupid ads make the blog annoying to read - well, more annoying than the shameless self-promotion and the ridiculous lingo he employs (faboosh!).

So, why would a self-proclaimed reader of this drivel attack him on a much less popular and read blog, you may ask? Well, I am hoping to start a blog war! Suck it, Perez! I mean, you know the narcissist has a Google Alert set up for himself, so he can see what others are saying. Maybe if I write enough nasty stuff about him, he will write nasty stuff about us, and then we'll get more readers (and some annoyingly integrated advertisements). Really, there's no downside here.

So, Perez Hilton, I challenge you to a blog duel. I can reprint "news" from Us Weekly and talk crap about Speidi as well as you can (and I can certainly do it with fewer typos and a more extensive vocabulary). So, whatcha made of Mario Armando Lavandeira? That's right, I called you out by the name your momma gave you. What do you think of that?

Vanity Pounds

2009-09-29T20:52:00.005-04:00

A while ago Elle and I shared a conversation that we had about the phenomenon (common mostly to women) where you aren't fat, but you are fat for you. We were seeking help to name it. We got a couple suggestions from readers (thanks again), but nothing really encapsulated that feeling.

Well, last week I was talking with some friends. One friend had been reamed by his trainer for chewing a piece of sugarless gum. Now, given the recent diet I was on (and incidentally completely failed at), and the mounting evidence that artificial sweetener does contribute to weight gain, I semi-understood why the trainer freaked (However, one piece of gum? Really? It isn't like drinking a whole Diet Coke - or as I like to call it, the nectar of the Gods. But, I digress). Well, another friend said that it was funny his trainer freaked out, because on the Biggest Loser one of the tips the contestants are given is to chew gum. But, they are chewing gum to avoid eating a whole cake. These people have seriously weight to lose - in some cases half their body weight. They are basically one drive-thru trip away from diabetes or a heart attack. But, my friend (and most people I know) are simply trying to lose vanity pounds. That's why crap like sugarless gum matters! We have to go to extraordinary measures to lose a few pounds, because most of us are at a healthy weight.

So, that's my submission to the conversation. Let me know what you think. And, if the term vanity pounds catches on, I am totally trademarking it.

(Note to any attorneys - or recent bar takers like my fiance - I realize that I cannot actually trademark a terms without trademarking it for some product. Don't stifle my creativity with your endlessly annoying need to demonstrate legal knowledge. Go pick apart a procedural drama and leave our blog alone!)

UPDATE: Just informed by Elle that the term vanity pounds is kinda widely used. Whatever, the Donald tried to trademark "You're Fired!" so I am well within my rights here.

I Know Someone Who's Getting One of These...

2009-09-29T13:14:00.003-04:00

This one is one of my favorites--and so thoroughly useful!--but there are several gems over on Etsy. Give them to someone you love to hate.

Take Your Taboo and Shove It...It Might Feel Good

2009-09-29T11:13:00.004-04:00

I realize that most of the ideology in our posts is limited to the religion of hating Tyra Banks and worshiping the magic box that is television. This particular post will be a little more nakedly opinionated on current events and politics. If you're here for the funny, feel free to skip it, but I feel a rant coming on...

The American public amuses me to no end with our simultaneous ability to be both entertained and horrified, never more so than on the subject of sex. I love a good sex scandal, because all of the voyeurs who can't get enough of reading the story also have the humorous nerve to act outraged.

Political sex scandals I have no problem with, because they're usually exposing some hilarious form of hypocrisy. But really, the hypocrisy wouldn't exist in the first place if we weren't all so pent up about sex. Senators wouldn't have to deny that they're gay or occassionally like kinky sex acts that the well-bred wives they're forced to marry won't perform, forcing them into the discreet arms of a high-class hooker.

Life would be a lot better if we threw the puritanical opinion elite off a cliff and just admitted that sex is fun and any way you want to do it should be fine and no one's damn business. Let's look at the sex stories of late...

I already mentioned the McSteamy so-not-sex-to-my-incredible-disappointment tape. Good looking guy and his good looking wife want to get naked with a good looking ex-beauty queen and I would hope have a lot more fun than we saw on that tape, what do you care? Like you've never had a threesome fantasy? Really? Or made a sex tape with your partner? C'mon. I'll say it again: the only interest in that tape should be seeing attractive people naked. There really shouldn't be any incredible scandal to it.

Along the same lines, the front page, above the fold "exclusive" story in the Washington Times today (disclaimer: I'm forced to read that publication) is about how much porn the dear people over at the National Science Foundation look at at work. Personally, I'm not that comfortable looking at porn at work...I want to look at porn somewhere where it can do me some good, and alas, my office has a glass door and thin walls. But hey, if it works for you, rock on (so to speak.)

The larger point here, is that I don't have a problem with porn. Why should I? Why should anyone? I once heard that a family friend doesn't have internet in their house because the husband has a "porn problem." To which I have to wonder, what precisely would a problem with porn be? Fat people? That's a problem with porn for me.

And last but never least, dear ACORN. I don't really have a problem with them providing advice to prostitutes about how to report their profession to the IRS. In fact, had that been a real prostitute, I'd be impressed with her wanting to report her earnings. Prostitution should just be legal--it's good for tax coffers and for public health. Regulating the industry limits forced and under aged prostitution, it ensures condom use and regular STD checks, and it rids us of the capitalistic hypocrisy that you can profit from any unique skills you're willing to perform except sex.

I get that an entity that receives tax dollars shouldn't advise people on how to skirt the law--especially not these people--but the law is stupid, and disadvantageous to women and the poor, particularly because cops often can't prove prostitution and instead bust sex workers on tax evasion. But they definitely should have drawn the line when the suggestion turned to under aged and forced prostitution.

Long story short, sex has become intertwined with politics and with entertainment, but above all, it should be personal. If we all felt personally comfortable with our sexual selves, I doubt we'd need to make this stuff a big deal. The fact that it still is bugs me.

What Someone Else Thinks Is Wrong with Tyra Banks

2009-09-24T21:55:00.003-04:00

The good news for Tyra Banks: she was in Ad Age.

The bad news for Tyra Banks: the article is completely accurate.

Thanks MHS!

I Love How I Met Your Mother But...

2009-09-23T21:30:00.005-04:00

Why does Bob Saget do the voice over for Josh Radnor? I mean, Josh Radnor (Ted) is an adult. Does his voice change after fathering children? It made sense for Wonder Years - young Kevin was pre-pubescent. I just don't understand.

Internet Discovery

2009-09-23T20:49:00.003-04:00

Okay, how have I not seen this before now. Thanks MR!

It Ain't Easy Being Green

2009-09-23T20:47:00.001-04:00

I am having a crisis of green. See, I am definitely not one of those super crunchy people who makes their own compost and uses recycled toilet paper. However, I try to do little things. I recycle, I reuse paper and plastic bags, I opt for tupperware and canvas grocery bags to cut back on trash, and I use kitty litter made of corn for our cat. I also, until recently, relyed pretty much solely on public transportation to get me to work each day. But then, my fiance started working downtown as well. And, since the shuttle that picks us up from Metro at our complex stops running at 7:10 and he is working in a law firm, making that last shuttle isn't always feasible. So, we explored driving to work. And it is heaven!

We only live about 5 miles from where we work, so even with heavy traffic it's like 20-25 minutes door-to-door. On the shuttle, it is closer to 40 door-to-door AND we have to listen to the annoying shuttle driver prattle on about his dwindling bank account or his crazy night out - not to mention the hell that is Metro at commute hours. We also both have the luxury of leaving work when we want and not having to wait longer for the Metro after 7:00 pm or worrying about how to get home if we miss the shuttle.

But, then there's the environmental impact. It's true that we do carpool, but Metro is certainly the greener option. So I guess my crisis boils down to how much I care. Should I prioritize my convenience or the planet? It's really a tough call.

The Emmys - Your Delayed and only Partial Recap

2009-09-22T22:13:00.006-04:00

Before I begin my - as advertised - delayed and partial recap of the Emmys, I have a confession. After a series of events this weekend far too depressing to detail on 2B1B, I was so out of it that I completely spaced on the Emmys until 9:00 p.m. I missed the red carpet, the opening number, and the comedy awards. So, hence the partial Emmy recap.

First and foremost: I <3 NPH. I had such a crush on him as Doogie, and he is just awesome as Barney Stinson. He was robbed. I mean, he lost to Duckie! Are you even kidding me?! Then, there is the Alec Baldwin 2nd win in a row. Now, before you get all worked up over some perceived blasphemy, let me offer the following disclaimer. I think 30 Rock is genius. I was saying, "I want to go to there" for months after Liz Lemon immortalized the phrase. And, Alec Baldwin is hilarious. However, I think he won because of star power. Who should have won you may ask? Jim Parsons of the Big Bang Theory - that's who. Now, I know what you are probably thinking.

Huh? Who is Jim Parsons and what is the Big Bang Theory. Well, the Big Bang Theory is an amazingly funny comedy and Jim Parsons is its center. He is amazing. The show is about 4 nerds and a semi-hot neighbor. One of the nerds cannot speak in front of women without alcohol. Another is a delusional Jewish guy (who I swear I went to Hebrew School with) who thinks he's a ladies man. David from Roseanne plays the relatively normal one trying to hook up with the semi-hot neighbor. By the way, for all the years I watched Roseanne and all the times I have seen Christmas Vacation, I only realized like a year ago that Johnny Galecki plays RUSTY! Crazy. Finally, there is Jim Parsons as Sheldon. Words cannot describe how hilarious he is. Just watch the show - and you're welcome.

Kristin Chenowith's win for Pushing Daisies only serves to further enrage me about the cancellation of the show that was the televised equivalent of a big, warm hug.

We all know Glenn Close will not be ignored, but that is no reason to reward Damages - especially not with Mad Men in the category. Look, she's admittedly (by critics anyway) the best thing on that show. However, this seems to just be another case of star power winning out over performance. Glenn Close is the chick who boiled a bunny and has been in a billion movies. But, Emmy voters - let's recognize fresh talent for a change!

I don't even want to talk about the woman from 24 (which incidentally has totally jumped the shark - how many horrible days can one agent have...apparently as many as it takes for Keifer Sutherland to become too expensive to produce the show). Either of the amazing ladies from In Treatment were robbed.

I will say that the big wins of the evening - while predictable - were right on. Go 30 Rock and Mad Men!

Finally, the Emmy fashion was disappointing. No one was off the deep end crazy - well, no one who matters anyway. I think some random chick showed up wearing some kind of Obama blanket, but most everyone else who was bad was just kind of bad. Drew Barrymore was BORING for f***'s sake! For a full recap, I leave you to the Fug Girls.

One thing I will promise you, dear reader. Assuming this blog remains entertaining for the next 12 months, next year I will do better. As God as my witness, I will never miss the Emmy Red Carpet again!

Clean Up After Your Dog

2009-09-20T20:26:00.002-04:00

My complex is pet-friendly, which means lots of dogs - they even provide baggies and special places to dispose of the waste. This is precisely why I am so mystified by people's insistence in leaving their dog's shit on the middle of walkways. Dear everyone who has a pet they don't think they need to clean up after. Next time you leave your dog's shit on the sidewalk - I hope someone makes you eat it.

"The Men of 1987 Want to Date You"

2009-09-18T10:06:00.003-04:00

There just wasn't a better headline for this than the one Scanner came up with. Disappointingly the Found Footage Festival won't be coming to DC, but I encourage our SF and LA readers to make a pilgrimage, if this video is any indication of the hilarity to ensue.

On Project Runway

2009-09-17T22:50:00.004-04:00

Who is this Nicholas fellow? Like Johnny (Tommy? whatever his name is) sucks every challenge and whines and it's annoying and I'm pretty sure he's moments away from finally getting kicked off, and I'm happy about it (despite the fact that, due to the Heidi cum Tyra after show, I really dig his sweet little model.)

But why does this Nicholas punk always talk shit about other people's designs and talk like he's going to be in the top when he sucks such big balls? How can you lack self-awareness to that incredible degree?

UPDATE: Holy shit, Tim Gunn was pissed! I've rarely seen it. Tim, if you're out there, be our friend!

2B1B: Now Even Cooler

2009-09-17T21:55:00.003-04:00

So, in addition to now being available in Kanyevision, 2B1B has also purchased the domain name 2Bitches1Blog.com. So, while you're still viewing us on Blogspot, and we still love Blogger and all things Google (fuck Bing), and you can continue to use the address 2bitches1blog.blogspot.com, you can also simply type in 2bitches1blog.com.

And when you talk about how awesome 2 Bitches, 1Blog is to all of your friends (and you totally should because we totally are) you don't have to include that cumbersome blogspot part, which is awesome...just like 2B1B. Cool? Cool.

What is Wrong with Tyra Banks?!

2009-09-17T20:56:00.004-04:00

Ok, so I think there is no question that Tyra Banks is a narcissist. I mean, I have seen episodes of Tyra where she will ask a guest a question and as they begin to answer, she interjects with a story about her! Joel McHale loves to show a clip of Tyra pointing to herself and joyfully saying "Me!" TV Without Pity rightly calls her Tyrant (and believe me, I plan to borrow that phrase often).

But on this last episode of ANTM, she dressed in spandex and a cape and called herself Super Smize - as in smiles with her eyes. There were even cheesy effects where there were little flashes coming off her as she posed and smiled with her eyes.

Then, she actually cast Lauren Conrad of The Hills fame to be a guest judge?! That girl's only talent is letting cameras follow her all day and not rolling her eyes at Audrina whenever she talks.

For the love of all that is holy, Tyrant - it's bad enough that you think the world revolves around you, but don't do anything else to overstate the importance of the MTV/VH1 reality "stars".

More Awkward Photos!

2009-09-17T20:32:00.002-04:00

We've shown you sexy people, awkward families, and now engagement photos. Thanks KZ!

Help Us Name This Phenomenon

2009-09-17T09:46:00.003-04:00

Tami: I am bloated. Sometimes I hate being female

Elle: happens to the best of us

Tami: dont let me punk out of going to the gym tonight

Elle: mmk

Tami: I did last night because I was pouty, and had bar food for dinner, which was a bad idea

Elle: yeah, but it happens when you're pouty. Just recommit to the discipline. I'm having to do it too, for I am fat

Tami: you are not fat

Elle: all of my clothes are tight. I am fat for me

Tami: ok, I buy that. Same boat

Elle: There should be a word for that--when otherwise normal/skinny girls put on a little weight that they want to get rid of, versus actually getting fat (which I would expect you to tell me "bitch, get to the gym, it's getting bad")

Tami: lol

Elle: Because I feel like so often when you're trying to honestly discuss and evaluate weight gain that you don't like and need to work on friends jump into self-esteem defense mode a la Mean Girls and are like "you're not fat! you're so skinny!"

Tami: no, it's true. i think it's really tough to be a friend sometimes. You want to be supportive,

but not mean. And there is also the girl thing that when a girl says she's fat, she wants to hear she isnt--not always, but often. It's fishing for reassurance

Elle: right, and it's really hard to assess what the friend wants

Tami: seriously

Elle: which is why there should be these two separate terms, because when a normal skinny girl says the term that means actual fat, you would know she's looking for reassurance, versus when she says the new term--whatever we decide it is--for a reasonable assessment of her size, which she'd like to work on

Tami: what is wrong with our gender though? why can't we just be more straightforward?
Elle: ha, you want us to go to our friends and be like 'I'm having a low self-esteem day, please tell me I'm still skinny?"

Tami: kinda. If you need something, ask for it...and welcome an honest response. Like, "well, honey, you have put on weight, but your skin is awesome. Let's go for a run to fix the problem."

Elle: or, "Well sweetie, you have put on some weight, but you're still on the thin size of average. Rethink that shirt though, because it's showing off your problem areas."
Tami: YES!

No Comment

2009-09-16T13:38:00.001-04:00

The Snuggie Sutra.

Internet Treasures

2009-09-16T10:49:00.002-04:00

Oh, Awkward

2009-09-16T10:38:00.002-04:00

We've already mentioned our affection for Awkward Family Photos. This is just a tribute to awkward.

Damn You, J. Crew

2009-09-14T23:04:00.004-04:00

Seriously, J. Crew has 40 pages of sale items online at this very moment. But there is nothing on the sale walls in the store. And it's all final sale. I have no problem with final sale, but usually I can try stuff on. I don't want to spend the money only to find out something doesn't fit me. Do the stores just send all their sale merchandise away? Why must they torment me?

Southern Charm - Or Something

2009-09-14T21:41:00.002-04:00

So this past weekend I had the pleasure of visiting Little Rock, Arkansas for a wedding. I was seriously stoked. Seriously. See, I want to visit all 50 states, but I don't actually want to visit all 50 states (like whichever Dakota doesn't have Mt. Rushmore - what's the point?!).

So, on the plane ride over I met two lovely women. The first told me that West Virginia is cultured compared to Arkansas. And she was from Little Rock... The second had moved to Charlotte (where, incidentally I had to change planes to board a puddle jumper, because no real planes fly into Little Rock) and kept talking about what a huge city it was. Now, I realize Charlotte isn't a small town, but a huge city? Hardly.

When I arrived to the single terminal airport, my fiance and the groom picked me up. They had a great story about using the groom's navigation on his Blackberry to get to Wal-Mart that guided them straight to the center of a trailer park. No, I am not kidding, exaggerating, or otherwise messing with you. Right into a trailer park.

But, with the small town feel, also comes the small town charm. Everyone was incredibly nice and polite. AND, we stayed at a 4 star hotel (complete with a daily duck parade) for $109 a night. So, maybe I should give the other Dakota a chance too.

RIP Patrick Swayze

2009-09-14T21:34:00.000-04:00

He's like the wind...